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I really need some advice...anyone...
December 13, 2004
1:21 pm
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revelation
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Hi,

My ex of 6 days is coming to my house tonight to finish some home improvements he was doing before he left. He's coming with his brother to do this. Today we spoke, I asked for some answers. He blamed ME on the breakup. Saying he did love me but I put too much pressure on him to answer questions. I said I didn't want any contact after this. So what do I do? he is convinced it would not work out...I think it would. He is very paranoid always has been and has now accused me of playing games. What do I do? How do I react. Do I just go into a different room or should I try to be nice?
How can I make him forgive me?

December 13, 2004
1:32 pm
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kathygy
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You can't make him forgive you. You can't make him do or feel anything. He has to sort things out on his own. I would stay out of his way when he comes over and not try to talk to him or anything. Just have a sense of your boundaries and respect his. Pull back from him. Go about your business as though he weren't there. Log on here while he's there if you need to. Can you leave the house for part of the time?

December 13, 2004
1:43 pm
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eve
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Phew.

I'd say that you should try to get through this evening as calmly and civilized as possible. And then take a time out and think about your relationship, maybe set a date two weeks from now for talking again.

You seem to be quite shaken by the breakup and not quite sure about what you want. You tell him that you don't want further contact, yet you seem dissatisfied that he doesn't think it would be possible to work things out.
I'd say that this turmoil is propably very normal for a fresh break-up situation, because you really have raw hurts and wounds that need some time to stop throbbing. You need some time to attend to your basic sanity and self-preservation.

Then you can try to look back to this relationship, find out what went wrong, what you'd like for the future (for yourself, and for your ex-partner) and how you could work for achieving that. But you can only work on yourself, you can't "make him" do anything. You'd like to make him understand you, see your point, forgive you, and so on. But you have to understand yourself, and why you acted the way you did, you have to forgive yourself (and maybe him?).

I wish you patience and strength for today. And good luck for the time ahead.

December 13, 2004
1:43 pm
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Alegab
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I agree with Kathygy. You cannot convince him of anything. I guess you must convince yourself that its over and you must go on. I know its easier said than done.

Act indifferent, stay out of his way, talk on the phone to a friend, come on line and get support. I know very well how you feel and I wish you luck.

All the best,
Alegab

December 13, 2004
3:53 pm
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UsuallyStrong
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I agree. Just stay cool Revelation. Unfortunately this was his decision and you putting more pressure on him (by supposedly playing games which I'm sure is just you trying to work harder) will not help the situation. You know I know this because I'm going through the same thing. I'm trying to win him back, but am realizing it's semi-manipulative because it's not what he wants anyway. I know it hurts, but you have to let him figure this out, while you figure out how you can stay strong and moving on (doesn't mean you love him any less.) Not easy but necessary. I know you are strong, you just have to dig that out from deep inside. You've had it in the past, so don't let this pull you down.

I think, while we may disagree with his decision, we can support the fact that he is confused. And because he is confused, we should let it be. No trying to get him to forgive you, no weepy attitude. You need to let him know you love him but not put pressure on him either way. If he decides something because you told him what you're thinking/feeling, he may consider this pressure. If he gives into the pressure and then changes his mind again, he will resent/blame you. Try to stay strong, and if it helps, consider what you would tell me to do in the same situation.

December 14, 2004
12:35 pm
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revelation
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Hello all and thanks,

Well he came over. He would not even look at me or speak to me, just went about his business so I went out. When I came back he was still there with his bro-in-law. I was chatting to the b.i.l about the job and asking how long it would take etc. He just stood there head down, face of stone. When the B.I.L was leaving he ran out the door with him as if he was afraid of me. Which...to be honest he probably is....I've been pushing for answers and calling and texting. After he went out I went for a walk and I'm ashamed to say I texted...AAHHH I hate myself for doing that. He says he can't handle me "badgering" him and thats why we broke up...so what do I do..."badger" some more. He says he loved me before I started doing this. The only reason I did it was because he would go into this silent mode (He wouldn't pay enough attention is what I am trying to say but ashamed to say it). So, today I have resolved not to do this. I am getting the book "Codependent no more" on friday and I am also meditating, I think this made my resolve stronger today. I have to get on with it. So, he will be in my house all day friday. God help me to get the hell out of there then.

December 14, 2004
12:40 pm
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revelation
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By the way, I forgot to ask....UsuallyStrong how are you doing? What happened on sunday?

December 21, 2004
9:04 am
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msguud
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Read the book - I swear the book was written for me. I found a CoDA meeting in my area last night and went. I'm so glad I did and plan to go every week. My goal for the new year is to get myself better and he can look out for himself.

You can do it too!

December 21, 2004
1:37 pm
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workinonit
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How do you plan to do this? Sometimes the conditioned responses we have make it very hard to recognise our patterns. Don't get frustrated over this but use each experience as a gem to examine. The most important thing is you want to do something about your problems.

Keep posting, others here would love to talk with you too!

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