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I put him in jail help me to not take him back
July 11, 2007
12:19 am
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_anonymous
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He disappeared for a few days then came back to find a hired paid male helping me to move out of the house. I left when I saw him. He got arrested for taking a match & lighting a flare and buring the helper on the lip, rib cage, etc. In jail for charges of assault with a deadly weapon. He also is being held in jail to revoke his probation because when the police caught up to him he was driving a car drunk. He gives me no money, drinks, does prescription oxycotin, duragesic patches, vicodin, effexor and serequel. Just gets up and leaves for days on end and then reappears when ever he damn well pleases. So I rented out my home so I could move away. I also want to sell another residence that has his junked cars, trash etc. So I could get my money and go on with my life. When he gets out of jail he will come back to nothing. Is it my responsiblity to look after his things???? He was so drunk he left his wallet in a broken down vehicle on the property I rented out with his duragesic patches and I just left it there. I did not take his collect calls, Disconnected my number. So what should I tell him when he gets out of jail and either calls or shows up at my door? Before he got arrested he told me and my kids he would burn all of our belongings and or put them in a dumpster so we would have nothing just like him.

July 11, 2007
12:47 am
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Matteo
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"He got arrested for taking a match & lighting a flare and buring the helper on the lip, rib cage, etc."

"In jail for charges of assault with a deadly weapon."

"He also is being held in jail to revoke his probation"

"he was driving a car drunk"

"He gives me no money,

drinks,

does prescription oxycotin, duragesic patches, vicodin, effexor and serequel.

Just gets up and leaves for days on end and then reappears when ever he damn well pleases."

"he told me and my kids he would burn all of our belongings and or put them in a dumpster so we would have nothing just like him"

Why would you take him back when you have so many reasons not to?

July 11, 2007
2:11 am
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urfool4 2long
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Hi,
The one reason that should put your
mindset on "No Way!!!" is how about
you visiting your kids in the hospital,all bandaged up,with tubes sticking out of everywhere,and them
all groggy and quiet,because it hurts
too much to talk.

These things do happen.They happen
when someone is not in their right
mind,and it sounds like his mind is
in a complete blur from all those heavy drugs.

He warned you,He's not kidding.

I am trying to scare you because I'm
scared for you and want to shake sense into your head.

July 11, 2007
2:51 am
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northernlights
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Take him back?? You are lucky-you got a warning. He may not warn you twice. I work for a Private Investigator. You remind me of a case we just finished working on. This man lit his girlfriend's apartment on fire and killed her. He was sent to jail. Their baby was adopted while he was in jail. When he got out, he sued the adoptive parents for custody. My firm was hired by the adoptive parents to watch him so if we found any dirt, they could use it in court. We found LOTS of dirt...and guess what???He won!! He has the four year old child now. The Courts believed he had been rehabilitated as far as the violence goes. Our cameras showed differently, but the blood bond is still stronger than common sense in our Court Systems. You need to stay away from this man, get his threats on tape, keep an active restraining order and for the time being make it your goal to keep yourself and your children safe.

July 11, 2007
5:42 am
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chelonia mydas
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((((Destinystar))))

Don't talk to him. You don't owe him anything. Stay away from him. Talking to him is like holding a stick of dynamite and lighting it. It will blow up in your face and hurt you and your kids. If he shows up at your house- tell him to leave- call the cops and have him taken away if he doesn't leave. I would encourage to you to conside going into hiding from this dangerous person. Please seek help from the domestic violence support center in your area. They can provide you with ways to keep you and your children safe. He sounds very dangerous and scary.

Keep in mind that you might not think of him as being as dangerous as he really is because you have been around him and have grown accustomed to some of what he does.

When I read your post everything in my gut told me he is very dangerous and bad. I feel like running from him the feelings are so strong. Please have no further contact with him- do everything you can to prevent him from even knowing you still exist on the planet. I have a very bad gut feeling about him.

Sending you and your family prayers for safety and comfort,
Chelonia

July 11, 2007
6:41 am
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urfool4 2long
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Hi,it's me again,I had to run out the
door earlier as my ride was here,but came home to see your post again.

I felt bad because I didnt want to seem too cold in my response to you.
I re-read it and realized I dont think I was too blunt.

There are thousands of cases like yours that wind up real bad,and if you dont screech this to a halt now
this may have a very sad ending.

You asked what do I tell him when he
gets out of jail? What can you tell him? Anything you say to him is going
to enrage him,he is already-- out-of-
control---if you say anything to him
he is really going to rage,especially
since he feels like you have something and he has nothing.So if you think telling him he is going to
have less,he will skyrocket.

For him to do what he did to the hired help,which he has no familiarty
with,is beyond a threat to society.

It shows he is very capable of violence and possibly death,and that
was to a person he had no prior issues with.He also was not aware of
the strangers capabilities,yet he
violated that person.

With you,he's had prior issues,knows
you are scared,and can intimidate
you,so he will find it easier,I think so anyway,to harm you. How
often have you ever been mad and thre
atened a child other than your own
with such violence.Probably never.
So the fact that he threatened poor
little innocent people is another
sign of his emotional unstability.

Since you own a home or two,you are
very very fortunate that you can get
some cash,by taking out a small loan
if you dont have enough in a bank
account to get the immediate funds
for instantly getting set up in another place.You can get approved in
1 or 2 days I believe.

Do what you did,hire people to get you packed and moved to a place that he wont see you easily,and his friends or even your friends cant be
tricked unknowingly into telling your new location.

Around my area,I wouldnt even have to move all that far to do that,but
I dont know what your area is like.
So choose your location accordingly.

YOu can get an instant restraining
order because of what happened and also because of his threat to you and your children.

If by chance you see him come within
the 100yard or whatever your state imposses in that rest.order you call
immediatly.If you dont have a cell
phone get one immediatly and keep it
hand ready on your belt or something.

Get a fanny pack to keep your money,bank checks,car and home keys
on you,in cases of a surprise appearance by him,and you should consider some pepper spray.

I hate to sound so drastic,but why
not be prepared to protect yourself
in a situation that you may not expect.He may be counting on that.At least you could get away.Teach yourself and your kids that when you get in the car,the second you enter to hit the lock buttons.

Never park your car in a spot that
could get blocked in,and keep it at least half a tank full.

Get walked to your car,at night or even day if its in a desolate location.

Most of all dont talk to him,you owe
him not one explanation to do with
nothing on this planet.Please,please
dont be fooled if he is nice and sweet when he gets out and just wants to talk.He will most likely
want to slither back in,and then the
worst would be to come.

Your alive.Stay that way

I hope to hear about your progress if you can.

YOur lucky you have resourses to get
out.

July 11, 2007
7:05 am
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sad sack
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Dear Destinystar,

I was very disturbed by your thread. Why would you even have to think twice about what to do in this situation? I have read countless threads about women who cannot leave toxic relationships, but this one is beyond belief. The fact that you even asked the question indicates that you need serious help. Please seek it out before it is too late.

This man is vicious. His actions indicate that you and your children are in danger. I am certain of that. You need to protect yourself and your family. You need to get as far away from where this man is going to be and not tell anyone (that he knows) where you will be moving. Speak to a domestic violence professional and learn about ways to protect all of you. And then follow through with the suggestions given to you.

Please don't even give him the chance to show up at your door. If not for your sake, then for the children's sake.

HE PUT SOMEONE ON FIRE, FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!!!! What additional proof do you need that this man is a very deranged individual?

I have been on this site for about four months or so. This is the most upsetting thread I have read so far.

Sad (very)

July 11, 2007
8:00 am
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helpplease
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destiny girl, move across the country, change your address, go very far from this person. don't ever talk to him again. get a mean dog to scare him away. it's not good. seriously. don't. or we'll be reading about you in the paper. and we really don't want to do that. get help. i'll be praying for you. listen to us here. we care about you and this is not a good situation.

July 11, 2007
8:51 am
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risingfromtheashes
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destiny,

get a restraining order TODAY. as someone else mentioned, have a cell phone at your finger tips at all times...never stray outside cell range if possible.

carry pepper spray...get a self defense training course designed for women.

what about his belongings?

not sure the law here, but where I was, when I put my roommates stuff in the drive and locked him out, I could have been arrested for illegal lockout.

so, somewhere on your/his property, neatly box his belongings up...and leave them there...in a "safe" place...IF HE left his stuff lying in an old abandoned vehicle, don't worry about it - UNLESS it contains credit cards or stuff that could be linked to you and could hurt your credit if stolen...if it's nothing more than his junk - not your problem - he left it there.

Joint property? contact a legal aid or lawyer for advice...technically it's half his by law, so keeping the funds may cause issue - but may not...depending on situations...so see a lawyer to cover your butt.

by all means get as FAR away as possible...he is out of his mind and from what you have described before, he will stop at nothing to destroy you. BE SCARED.

Also, talk to an advocate at a domestic abuse shelter for further advice on how to protect yourself.

worry about you and kids...don't worry about him...meaning, don't worry about his well being.

July 11, 2007
8:56 am
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atalose
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It's not your responsibility to look after his things. I would have a junk yard come and tow them away so you can sell that property.

You don't say if he is your husband or just BF. If he's only a BF getting away from his is easier then if you have to file for divorce and wait a period of time.

Also if he threatened you and your kids you should seek a restraining order/protective order against him so he cannot come to your house or contact you or your children. When you get this order if he does show up you call the police and back to jail he goes.

You are doing the right thing by not accepting his collect calls from jail. Keep that up and stay as far away from him as you can.

It doesn't sound like he will be getting out of jail soon not with all those charges against him which is good it gives you more time to move on.

After all he has done you don't owe him anything. You don't need to explain why he has no place to go after jail. That is not your problem or your responsibility he's a grown man who made some very bad choices for himself. You make good choices for yourself and your kids and find the peace you deserve.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 11, 2007
11:49 am
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_anonymous
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He is my husband. I have filed divorce that will be final September 28th. He was too drunk to realize he had been served, burnt the divorce papers and doesnt believe i am going through with it. He will be in jail for 30-50 days for probation violation. I worry that they will not find the guy he burnt to testify against him cause the guy is homeless. I am 3 hours away from him now. Will be getting a restraining order and see if I can get it served to him while he is in custody. The wonderful father of my kids died suddenly at the age of 46 on June 29th of this year. I knew him for 22 years. Right after that my husband started disappearing and going into psychotic rages (cause the kids and I were missing my X). We are doing 100% better without this jerk. Yes there is something wrong with me I just dont have a sense of danger like a should at this time but your responses have pointed out the dangers to me. Too much into the moving, reorganizing mode I guess. I feel safe now cause he is in jail. But know I have to plan for when he gets out.

July 11, 2007
1:57 pm
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nappy
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Um....
I don't want to be mean here and if anybody else thinks so, then I really don't care what they think but what part of what you wrote that you are not getting?

You wrote that you don't have no sense of danger?
Do you look at the news? I don't know where you live but I'm sure that you hear about these husbands or boyfriends that hurt there wives or girlfriends because they are in a stupid rages and they want to continue to make your life miserable and they don't want to let go and then they even hurt themselves in the process.

If you can't sense danger for yourself, then you need to sense it for your childrens.

If you are going to leave, then you need to leave. You need to stop worrying about him and really need to start worrying about you and your childrens.

I don't want to upset you but it is so upsetting that womens put these mens first in there life and don't even look at the childrens. Childrens can't help thereself but these mens can. And I don't care how sick they are, and just because this is your husband, it still don't give him the right to hurt you or even to make a threat against you.

It is time to kill the codependence and it is time to start over with your life with your childrens. Get them out of harm way.

YOU WROTE:
Before he got arrested he told me and my kids he would burn all of our belongings and or put them in a dumpster so we would have nothing just like him.

What more do you want?

Nappy!

July 11, 2007
2:44 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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nappy, she moved three hours away, did you miss that? She also changed her phone numbers and wasn't taking his calls.

she is preparing for the day he tracks her down...and it is possible, no matter how far you flee.

I did not sense that she is worrying about him so much as her responsibility to his "things", which I think is valid, as they are married and his things ARE her things by law.

I think if she sensed NO danger, she would have stayed in the home...she fled...what more do YOU want?

I did not once see where she mentions taking him back, but more what to do if he shows up at her door step, as he has threatened to destroy everything on her.

maybe **I** misunderstood?

July 11, 2007
3:11 pm
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nappy
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Rising,

GET OFF MY BACK!!!!!

I am voicing my opinion just like you. But I forgot that you have all the answers.

If you don't have any thing good to say to me then I suggest that you keep to the post that you are responding to and leave me out of it.

I wasn't talking to you in the first place sweetheart.

Nappy!

July 11, 2007
3:14 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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you were responding in a public forum, I am free to post, just as you are free to post.

you seemed to be jumping down her back about wanting to put him first above her kids, and yet, she CLEARLY stated she was not doing that.

I was trying to point out that clear fact.

the only answers I have are the ones in front of my face, from her first post.

and don't call me sweetheart after blasting me and being sarcastic in the same post.

July 11, 2007
3:45 pm
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nappy
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Rising,

You make me laugh .......

Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha

Nappy!

July 11, 2007
3:45 pm
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Matteo
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nappy ~ Your post is condescending: "what part of what you wrote that you are not getting?"
and passive aggressive: "if anybody else thinks so, then I really don't care what they think" and again makes assumption and generalization about codependency of the original poster instead of addressing her issue. Rising addressed the last issue in your post which doesn't mean she is on your back.

You have every right to post and voice your opinion, but there is a big difference between empathy and constructive feedback and passive aggressive posts full of sarcasm. The difference is that they are not very helpful for those in distress.

July 11, 2007
6:33 pm
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lettingo
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In all fairness you did start your post "I put him in jail help me to not take him back" which is a little shocking after what you described but I think you should be proud of yourself for taking the steps you have taken. I personally, would get to a therapist and/or Alanon to find strength to do what you need to do. My ex-h is also in jail and he will be getting out soon and although he was never physcially violent or dangerous it still makes me nervous. I also changed my phone numbers. Good for you! Please get the help you need. Your self-esteem must be very low right now if you even question taking him back. You need to learn you deserve much better than a man who would abuse you the way you have described.

July 11, 2007
10:30 pm
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_anonymous
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He is in jail now for assault with a deadly weapon. He is being held on a probation violation for 30-50 days. If convicted of the felony he is looking to spending at least a year and a half of a minimum 3 year sentance.. The victim of the assault has contacted me and states he will testify. I will get a restraining order and have him served in jail. My guess is he will be more concerned about perserving himself when he gets out of jail then dealing with a person like me who will just send him back to jail again. We were not that close and never got along. This happened while I was in the process of renting out my home and moving. How does this mans actions define me or my values??? I sent my kids to my neighbors when he showed up and then called the police. I imagine he might try to contact me (I have no idea) and posted this so I could get some good advice on how to be prepared. Thank you for helping me out. Alanon is an excellent suggesting and I know I really need to go. Thanks for mentioning that.

July 12, 2007
8:51 am
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risingfromtheashes
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lettinggo - fair point, I didn't really note the thread title, I go by what's on the post.

my bad.

July 12, 2007
10:00 am
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lettingo
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Destinystar
Last comment. I was a psyhiatrists when I was in the thick of emotions and one of the things he said I should try to do was to go to three alanon meeting a week as part of treatment. I too was thinking about holding on know it was just crazy. My ex-h stole lots of $$$, my jewlery, so much more, and I still wanted to hold on. It doesn't make sense because there is so much going on under the surfact that we just can't explain until we get treatment. It truely is like and addiction and the insanity of it all is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. Again, I do hope you get help to strengthen you and give you clarity.

July 14, 2007
3:51 pm
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_anonymous
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Lettingo I did put a note on my computer to attend alanon. I did make a note about what insanity is. He is still in jail. In the early process of things. The guy he burned with the flare actually told me that he did not want to testify against him and felt sorry for him because he is in jail. I have no desire to have anything to do with him again. But I know he might call or show up at the door. Wrote a letter to me about how sorry he was, how much he loved me, blah blah blah. There are no atheists in a fox hole. I could see right through it. Still trying to get rid of my homes were I used to live so I will have no reason to be in that area again. There is an insanity that still lives within in me and I know I need to get help. Having him in jail is doing me a lot of good so I can have time to straighten my life out. There is something wrong with me for getting involved and staying involved with this dangerouse person. That is why I am on this site to get some insight and advice.

July 14, 2007
4:00 pm
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chelonia mydas
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((((Destinystar))))

I am so proud of you for facing this and seeking help. I too have notes to myself all over my computer screen. I have also found that you can use dry erase markers on mirrors and they wipe off just like a dry erase board.

Whatever it takes to keep you on the path to recovery- do it. It isn't easy but it is worth it. You are worth it.

Sending lots of hugs, strength and energy your way,
Chelonia

July 14, 2007
4:41 pm
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_anonymous
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chelonia (interesting nick name what does it mean?) The only thing I am glad about was putting him behind bars. I pray he stays there. Then I pray I get the strength to truly get to the point where i have not even one thought about having anything to do with him. I know it will take time and that is what his incarceration is buying for me. I have no idea what this sickness is that lives deep inside of me that allowed me to become involved with this horrible person. Much less to get attached. I know he is fat, ugly, drunk, embarassing, crazy, mean, scary etc. I know he wants revenge and can not be trusted. I have no desire to answer his letters or calls, but know at some point might have to deal with him again. I do love and enjoy my kids more than him. I am getting better bit by bit.

July 14, 2007
6:18 pm
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chelonia mydas
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Destinystar,

Something that helped me with my ex that might be useful to you is to write out some of the ugly, nasty, horrible things he has done/said. Then when you feel compelled to respond to him- read it. It helps me remember why he is my ex. I find that since I have had little contact with my ex for months now- I sometimes just remember the good stuff I am missing and selectivly forget the bad. I also reread some of my old posts on this site, so I have a better view of what it was like when I lived with him.

as to my name...
Short Answer: Chelonia mydas is the scientific name for the Green Sea Turtle.

Details behind my choice: I love turtles. I identify with turtles on a very spiritual level- when my life became unbearable as a kid I mentally hid my soul inside a turtle shell. I also used to pretend I would ride on the back of a sea turtle to a magical island in the middle of the ocean where everyone was kind and all creatures lived together in peace and happiness.
I even have a few pet turtles (box turtles and red earred sliders) that I have rescued. In addition I volunteer to do beach patrol in the summer for turtle nests- one of which is the Green Sea Turtle.

Hugs and support on your journey to a better life,
Chelonia

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