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I need your help (balancesekr)
February 21, 2005
5:57 pm
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balancesekr
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I am really depressed. I am currently finishing up my degree at school and I will be finished in May. I am happy in some ways, but in others I am just not really enjoying life. Even if I had all the money in the world, friends, the job I love, I still don't think I would be happy.

This could be the reason I used to repeatedly ask everyone here, why wasn't I happy with my ex. I am never happy with anyone I am with. Am I ever happy?

I have a negative view on relationships. I am scared to get hurt. I feel I am gettin older and uglier. I just can't imagine ever being married or whatever. I just can't stand life anymore. What am I striving for? A better job. So there I am at the better job, then what?

I can't concentrate on any of my homework. I feel like the past few years of therapy helped a bit, but I find I completely overanalyze to death, don't know how not to and I feel labeled codep and labeled that I will repeatedly have relationship problems. All this awareness I feel has fucked me up more than ever.

I don't think I am capable of loving anyone. I seem to get involved, the person loves me, I don't know how I feel, I push and push till its over. I just feel so lost and nothing can help. All the meetings, all the therapy, what the hell am I striving for personal excellence at being alone? I always am alone and I feel this contributes to why I never feel I will make it in any relationship.

February 21, 2005
6:08 pm
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Anonymous
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Balance, I see so much of what I feel in your writing.

Do you think that maybe you really just are too afraid to be in a relationship and let someone close so you do what you know how to do to make people leave so that it validates that everyone leaves?

February 21, 2005
6:24 pm
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balancesekr
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maybe, but I know I do it, I make them leave, I push away and I don't know how not to.

it comes from me not feeling satisfied with someone else. i just always get caught up in the getting older, things will change, what if they don't want to be with me anymore? I think why get married, it will end in divorce.

February 21, 2005
7:25 pm
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Rasputin
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Dear balancekr,

Your unpleasant feelings and depression are validated. Every body feels them, even the most strong devout Christian.

Do you have a relationship with God?
If you don't, why don't you initaite it right now. It will help you to change your perspective. It will enable you to see life with rosy eye-glasses, instead of the gray one.

When you realize that God has an interesting plan for your life, that will surely change you a lot. When God closes one door(relationship/mate); He opens another one even more intersting.

Once a wise friend told me that any relationship that does not end in marriage is because it was not ture love!!!

Whenever I reflect upon my life and have pessimistic vision, I remember that none of my previuos ex truly loved me. I do not regret the end of any of them. I also know that none of them were the right person.!!! That is something very impportant to remembr.

Venting is very healthy, also writing or journaling is very good when we feel down. Try not to take life to seriously, do some goofy things like listening to music and dance in funny way. Pets are very relaxing!

Read the PSALMS, king David wrote them when he was depressed!

Here are some biblical verses that I recite whenever I get depressed, discouraged, have satanic attacks, negative thoughts:

- I know the thoughts that I have to you, says the LORD, thoughts of good and not evil, to give you a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11)

- And my God shall supply A L L your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:19)

- The righteous will still bear fruit in old age, they will stay fresh and green. (Psalms 92:14)

- We walk by faith, not by sight/feelings. (2Corinthians 5:7)

- Your faith should not be in the wisdom of men but IN THE POWER OF GOD. (2Corinthians 2:5)

Write these verses in your agenda; take them with you and try to memorize them whenever you feel down or get these blue feelings which are basically satanic attacks.

I used to suffer a lot from depression still do, and the best treatment for depression from my experience is:
Praising God, songs, reciting biblical verses, having an intimate relationship with the Lord on daily basis. These are the best weapon we can equip ourselves with to defeat Satan.

No one is immune from depression and satanic attacks.

I will keep you honey in my prayers and check in soon!

Love & warm kissesxxxxxxxxxxxxx

February 21, 2005
10:14 pm
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Bianca
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Hi Balance!

Questions:

Are you happy with yourself?

Are you afraid that your SO would leave, or are you afraid that you would leave?

February 22, 2005
12:47 am
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balancesekr
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thank you rasputin.
Hey Bianca, I don't know if I am happy with myself, rather, I am happy with myself but as soon as someone else is involved with me, there is a problem. I guess I have a serious block going on.

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