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i need your guidance please
September 13, 2004
6:31 pm
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wallace
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I've met this married man. We've been meeting for 3 yrs-as friends. Then he suggested we do drinks and then he's coming onto me.I'm married too. It's a bit of a surprise as he has never done this before. I just want to be very close friends-no more. What should I do. How can I turn it back to the way it was before? Why the sudden change? I value his friendship I don't want to loose it. At the same time, I don't want to be a notch on the bedpost either.

September 13, 2004
6:52 pm
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fairy99
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He crossed the line and you have to tell him that he did. Tell him how you value your friendship and that to go any further would ruin it and if he is a true friend he will understand. It may take a bit to become comfortable again around each other, but once you cross that line its hard to get back where you were. Its ashamed that something as beautiful as intimacy can cause so much damage. Good luck.

~~fairy~~

September 13, 2004
7:00 pm
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CAMER
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Wallace, this happened to me b4 (but I had a bf at the time) and another guy was trying to hit on me, we started off friends and he wanted more. I told him if he cannot accept a freindship level, then I would have to cut all ties with him. To this day, he knows not to hit on me and he knows that I stand my ground. So just tell him.

September 13, 2004
7:51 pm
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Anonymous
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Agreed. You need to tell him. Not only is a friendship at stake, but marriages.Why the sudden change? Could be lots of things. Perhaps he is unhappy in his marriage, maybe just wants to try something new, maybe after all this time he has developed some new /different feelings for you. I really would ask him. If he wants to stay friends, he will be open and honest. Just my humble opinion.Keep us posted!

Sunny 🙂

September 14, 2004
3:43 am
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wallace
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Thanks everyone. I'm afraid to tell him in case we can no longer be friends. I was hoping I could do it with body language. Do you think it could have been just the drink in him? What do you think? I don't think I could just tell him, I fear losing him too much. Why do guys do this?

September 14, 2004
8:00 am
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artist 2
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You can't turn it back. Just stop being in contact with him. There is no going back. You must break off contact for good. If you kept the "friendship" as it is NOW, what good would it do either one of you? You both want to stay married-- right? Just stop seeing him. It's not that hard!

September 14, 2004
12:15 pm
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kathygy
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He's not much of a friend if you loose him by setting a boundary on your relationship. If he really cares about you he will respect your boundaries. If he has developed feelings for you it may be too difficult for him to be just friends. But you need to speak up and let him know where you stand as scary as that may seem. Its in the best interest for both of you. Body language can be misinterpreted and he could just try harder to come on to you until he has you up against the wall and you will have to say no but why let it get to that point? If he does go away then its for the best. Its empowering to take a stand. You will feel better.

September 14, 2004
12:24 pm
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southgoingzax
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I agree with everyone. You have to tell him it is not acceptable to you. I know it may feel awkward and painful to tell him, thinking that you are hurting his feelings, but what about your feelings? He should respect you enough to respect how you feel. It may be hard to think about losing a good friend, but how good a friend is he if he is willing to jepordize 2 marriages? It's not being rude, it's being respectful of yourself. Good luck,

zax

September 20, 2004
3:37 am
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wallace
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Thanks everyone. I've thought about this. I don't know how I feel about it. I don't know how I feel about him. I'm confused. I really don't want to lose him, but I'm scared of being used as well.

September 20, 2004
3:47 am
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jewel
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You are married and he is married. Bottom line. You are married. Think about your husband hanging out with someone. Would you feel comfortable at all? Be straight up and honest with this guy.

September 20, 2004
3:47 am
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jewel
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You are married and he is married. Bottom line. You are married. Think about your husband hanging out with someone. Would you feel comfortable at all? Be straight up and honest with this guy.

September 20, 2004
12:21 pm
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eve
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What kind of friendship would that be, that depends on you being sexually available for him. If this is what he really wants - wouldn't it be better to find out now than later? Go on, tell him. That will clarify things. You can't maintain a friendship when you're not sure that he respects your wishes.

October 7, 2004
5:24 pm
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wallace
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Hello everyone. I'm in turmoil. I think I know why he's come onto me. I think his wife has left. I haven't the courage to ask outright. We have been intimate. I am so physically attracted to him. But I can't tell if he has any feelings for me. He says I mean a lot to him. I don't know if I'm just a stand-in for his wife. I feel so confused. I feel like I'm falling in love with him.

October 7, 2004
5:34 pm
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gingerleigh
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Keep talking. What happened?

October 7, 2004
5:44 pm
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wallace
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Ginger

Thanks for replying. I'm so scared of getting hurt. I've known this man for 3 yrs. We've met regularly-no sex. He's always meant the world to me, but he always kept his distance. I accepted he just didn't fancy me. Then out of the blue, he tells me I mean a lot to him and he comes onto me. He's so gentle and considerate. I eventually succumbed. I strongly suspect his wife has left. Don't know why. Now I miss him so much. We saw each other weekly before-now 2-3 times/wk. I fear I'm falling in love with him.

October 7, 2004
6:01 pm
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gingerleigh
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Are you currently involved with someone else? Or single?

It seems like you have a basis for friendship, why not ask him outright? What is the worst that could happen?

October 7, 2004
11:02 pm
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workinonit
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wallace, is there a way you can back it up a bit? At least enough to get your bearings and figure out where your head is.

The constant closeness can be a challenge when you are trying to focus and think clearly, I know!!!

Keep your chin up and try to re focus if you can!!!!

(((((FOCUSING HUGS))))))))))))))

October 8, 2004
3:26 am
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wallace
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Gingerleigh, workinonit

Thankyou for being there. We were friends-nothing else-for 3 years. I'm married. He knows that. But things are not good in my marriage. They haven't been for 4-5 yrs now. We're good friends, but nothing else. There's no physical intimacy anymore. He doesn't know that. I assumed he was happily married. Our friendship was totally platonic. I've always been very fond of him, but respected his marriage and we kept each other at arms length. Now this. I noticed he no longer wears his wedding ring. And what with the sudden change, that's what makes me think his wife has left. I feel like an explosion has happened inside. We've been intimate-and it was wonderful. Now I have such a turmoil of feelings. I fear I'm falling in love with him. I'm scared that if it should turn out that it's just a phase he's going through, and he ups and leaves, that I will be left devastated, and our friendship irretrievable. But I don't think I can be without him either. It's such a mess.

October 8, 2004
9:06 am
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Cici
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i slept with my bestfriend of 6 years. it ruined our friendship. now we can't even talk to each other in the phone without arguing.

It's never good to mix friends with sex I realize now. If you really value the friendship you just can't do that. It's better to have a friend for life and a little sexual tension than a lay for 3 months and nothing.

October 8, 2004
9:07 am
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CAMER
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Just be careful with your feelings for this man, you are married, and have to decide what is more important, fixing your marriage or beinging a new relationship with this man. And if he did just leave his wife, be careful also, "rebound", he may be lonely, use your best judgement.
Camer

October 8, 2004
12:26 pm
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kathygy
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This man is in a very vulnerable stage if his wife just left him. He probably doesn't know what he feels. Ask him straight out if his wife has left. Falling in love with this man is proably the worse thing you could do. He is not emotionally stable right now. It doesn't sound like he is in love with you. Even if he were I wouldn't trust it at this time. Have an honest talk with this man and it will help you to let go. You are still a married woman regardless of the state of your marriage and are cheating. Why are you staying in your marriage? You need to make decisions about your marriage before you get involved with someone else.

October 11, 2004
3:31 am
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wallace
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kathygy -

why do you say he's not in love with me? You are probably right. How can I tell?

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