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i need to talk
August 16, 2003
11:35 am
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we are still together and I do love him very much...originally we said we will spend our week vacation together and then we'll see how things go,but in the meantime I thought about it a lot and I said no way I'm gonna be able to move on and be happy with him, what he's done will always be in the way, BUT at that time every day we argued about it..well I argued about it because it still bothered me so much and one night he said NO MORE TALK ABOUT IT..so I said ok and then i decided I will break up with him no matter what but I still want to soend that week with him and have some good days. I wasnt supposed to tell him abut my decesion but I did and since that day everything's like perfect. He said he doesnt want me to leave him and that he will show me that by the time our vacation end I will change my mind.. =o) so far its working but I still tell him that I'm sticking to my decesion...I kind of like seeing him try and put some effot into "US" for once...so now he brings it up everyday that in two weeks we're not gonna be together....but like I said to him also, we will see,but I will make sure that his attitude is not good only until I change my mind....so what can I say...at this point...only time can tell.

I wish you good luck....it seems like u guys are going thru some rocky road also but things will get better. It's hard when one day everything's great then next day everything falls apart again...but if u get thru the hard times and after it's good then i guess its worth the pain and time that we go thru if we really do it for our LOVE...

August 16, 2003
4:25 pm
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read what i said in ur thread.

August 16, 2003
11:57 pm
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oh boy, am feeling really sad now. i saw him and we started talking, i had such energy to see him as if i couldnt wait, i told him that the vibe of the conversation wasnt as the one from yesterday. i am not trying to hurt him. just be honest. he got mad and hurt. and he left. i broke up with him. cause he said i drive him crazy with all my mood swing and all, and now i see its a bunch of bull. cause the last thing he said was "oh now u r mad? no way" i feel like crying but not with my family being home......

August 18, 2003
10:40 am
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hey girl....sorry to hear that...when u feel like u need to cry,do it....if you need to leave your house, do whatever you got to do...but let it all out.

I think you and him just like me and mine...need to give it some time. It's either sit down and have a very very serious conversation and figure out if the two of you want to go on or end it. Make a decesion and stick with it. I know its really hard, but it's the best way to clear things up. Until I made my decesion that i will leave him no matter what i was going crazy....but now i know i have a goal and even thou its hard and I might change my mind anyway....i still have something to hold on to...and that is MY DECESION...and who is to say ur not allowed to change ur mind u know...everyone has the right to...but I just think its soo much easier if u set a goal or make a decesion then u know which direction ur heading...i just feel like that cleared up the confusion a bit...and take it from there, take it day by day and step by step.

hey i meant to ask you...did u see the movie "Serendipity"? i love that movie...if u didnt watch it...

August 18, 2003
5:34 pm
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no i havent. is that the movie where two strangers meet in the middle of the street? i think i started watching that but i left it right away.

August 18, 2003
10:07 pm
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well its two strangers Christmas shopping, they meet in Bloomindales....its definately a chick flick but its good

August 18, 2003
11:13 pm
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i really feel like shit. ecuse my language.

August 19, 2003
1:38 pm
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hey u...why do u feel like shit....are u guys broken up now? did u speak to him? i really hope u'll feel better soon..cheer up gurl....=o)

August 19, 2003
3:02 pm
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yeah we are, and as much as i tried to talk to him, he didnt show me the smallest sign of wanting to talk to me too.

i tried, to talk to him. we kinda didnt finish talking so i hope today we will. i got school tomorrow. and it sucks.i am scared and stressed.

August 19, 2003
4:30 pm
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aawww im sorry to hear that....maybe he's just fed up or annoyed with everything...while i decided that i'm gonna leave him and we fought all the time at the sametime i was scared that all the fighting was gonna drive him away and just not wanna even bother at all. or maybe he just wants to stay away and give everything some time to calm down and then maybe he'll open up...just tell him that you decided and you really want to be with him and you want to give it another chance.....maybe it'll work....i dont know what else could you do.

good luck.....

August 19, 2003
11:10 pm
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well, am not sure if i will see him, if i do, am gonna ask him if he wants to talk to me today. if he doesnt am not gonna force him, am just gonna leave. am scared of school tomorrow, am scared i wont see him today. oh booooooooooyyyyy.

August 20, 2003
9:19 am
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i hope you see him....did u get some sleep? what grade are you in? is this summer school or regular classes started? good luck with everything and don't be scared, everything will work out with time....

August 20, 2003
5:56 pm
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i didnt see him, it sucks cause yesterday i kinda felt like saying what u said, but i guess am just gonna let it go. move on. he IS my first bf, but hopefully it wont be my last. am gonna try to close that phase of my life and just ask him for friendship.

i got kicked out of the house if i dont go to school.

i got a little bit of sleep. the problem is that i got into a fight with my mom and i wasnt sure if she was going to wake me up. so kept looking to the clock and outside to make sure i did oversleep.

my first day was fine, i actually liked it but i think its because we didnt do anything besides talk about the class and the sylabus. i liked seeing everyone id ont know, and i saw like 5 people from my previous school but the problem is that i dont talk to them and never have. and i got a ride with a friend and his cousin is my moms friend. so it was the three of us. its pretty cool. the bad thing is i wanna get into my 12 units and i only have like 2 clases for sure. and i dont know. tomorrow am gonna go to a class i didnt go today. am going to replace the spanish class cause i already speak it and theres like 60 students wanting it.

i am a freshmen at college, its my first year. regular classes. i have to do a 6 page report due omn nov something. i never done anything longer than a page and half!!!

August 21, 2003
8:54 am
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oohhh so this is ur first year college....i remeber that...i was sooo nervous but at the same time very exited. anndd...he was your first b/f i didn't know that....well...you know what...im glad that u see it that way now...if you feel you want to be friends with him, then ask him for friendship if he sais NO...then just walk away and let it go...i had two b/f's before this one..the first one is the type that can't be friends..and the second one wants to hang out and stuff...so people deal with this friendship after being ina relationship together very differently....this one now...he always said that if we break up I have to let him talk to me....he has to know that he's able to call me if he needs to talk to me...go figure...anyway...if I would be you, I would just focus on school and make the best out of each day....maybe you'll meet someone in school...the forst couple of weeks are not as friendly but after that people start getting friendlier....by the way I;m going back to school as well...I got my Associates last June, took a year off and I'm going back this year for my Bachelors in Business...I'm excited...lol..only problem the excitement only lasts until I have homeworks and tests and stuff...

well good luck...and be strong..stay strong...life goes on...and we're still you...why are we soo hooked on one guy that's making us miserable??? i don't understand...this is love??? if this is love, why are we in so much pain? I hope with time, we'll get closer to being able to answer these questions....

August 21, 2003
7:44 pm
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second day at college, oh boy, there's so much stuff i dont know and i feel very stupid. am supposed to buy a book and i dont know how, the money from the financial aid is for fees not books, so this woman told me to apply for EOPS whatever that is. and i didnt cause i didnt know. my mom is gonna get mad at me and yell when i tell her that.

well u know what, guess, we kinda got back together. he said some pretty mean shit i had to put up with. i was like we dont have to do this, we shouldnt be treating each other this way. i also said "i think ur just hurt, ur hurt cause u tried to be strong making me beg for u and now i gave up and u lost me" and he is like, yes it hurts to lose u, it hurts that u broke up with me. so i ask, friends or nothing? and he said nothing, then he ask, couple or nothing and i said nothing. i told him how i imagine him picking me up from school or something and i guess that kinda touched his heart and he said sorry, am still a little hurt, i told him that about me getting kick out of here if i dont go to school and he said "u deserve it" so i told him, dude i count on u, that hurted, how could u tell me that. but i think am gonna make this the last time we get back, if it doesnt work, then hey, we have to move on.

it feels so different. we get out early, today i only had one class. theres music going on, and having some barbecue. totally different from high school. the thing i love the most is getting out early.

August 22, 2003
11:18 am
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yea i love that about college...getting out early..when i go back in about 2 weeks I will be taking classes at night after work and maybe even weekends so that's gonna suk kinda...but college is cool..lol i remeber when i first started it made me feel all grown up and stuff...

well...im glad u guys talked and ur back together....dont be so hurt by the things he said...they all say things they know its gonan hurt you, especially that he said that he was hurt cuz u broke up with him...thats why he said thing that would hurt u because u hurt him...u know..and if he would've meant what he said then why did he get back with u...if u know what i mean....so just take it easy..day by day and see where it goes...thats what im doing...i also have the same deadline as you...if it doesnt work and we start fighting agian i will end it once and for all....lisette...watch that movie "Serendipity" there's something init that's about just let faith and destiny show woud what's right...sometime we just have to let things go and see where they go on their own..if it's meant to be...then it will work without us trying too hard...u know...well good luck with everythin...=oÞ

August 22, 2003
7:56 pm
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i told u i was gonna get yelled at. i started crying and so did my mom. i didnt see him yesterday so i didnt tell him. am gonna tell him today. but i want to be serious about it.

August 31, 2003
11:31 pm
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dame girl, i miss talking to u! feel so alone.....by the way we broke up. i actually did for some stupid shit but its cool, if it wasnt now it would have been later on no matter what. before that i had told him that this was going to be the last time we get back. so its over, for good. though its/am sad....am trying to move on. i hope u come back soon.

September 1, 2003
5:39 pm
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hey missed talkin to u too...but i'm back... I was away, came back for 2 days but had lots of things to take care of like..registering for school, and had to go to court to pay a speeding ticket and go to dmv so my license doesnt get suspended, so the 2 days i came home i was all over the place. anyway...you sound like you're on the right track...it seems like you know what you want and you're ok with it...and let me tell u something that's the best, when u know that U are OK with what's happening. I'm still scared to make that step...well first i don't know if i want to make that step at all....

how is school going? r u getting used to it...my first day is tomorrow, i;m taking 2 classes..tues & thrs nights from 8:30 to 9:45 and Friday night from 6:15 to 10....that's gonna suck but I have to do it for now...it's my fault that i didnt apply in time so now i'm stuck with the shittiest hours...beside i cant loose hours from work cuz i still need the money so...starting tomorrow im gonna have a very busy schedule...work till 5:30 or 6..then school...its life.

anyway...so now u don't speak to him at all? does he try to call you or anything or he's ok with it that its over for good?

let me know....

September 1, 2003
8:36 pm
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hey, so how r things with u? the two weeks are up, right? whats ur decision? i hope u guys stay together. that way u wont go through what i am feeling.

i guess i just have to accept this, cause its how i wanted it, besides the pain and sadness i am going through, its going to be for the best IN THE END. i actually emailed him only once since we broke up. it was a poem about the break up. I DONT KNOW IF HE READ IT ALREADY. I GUESS NOT, CAUSE HE DOESNT WANNA SEE ME ONLINE. and the very last thing that he will get from me is a card by mail. for his birthday in october. but i dont wanna write to him anymore or talk to him on the phone. no we dont talk anymore. at least i dont wanna speak to him. cause i know he is going to be a mean ass bitch. its the way he always is when we break up. here is my reaction to this: "does he try to call you or anything or he's ok with it that its over for good?" tsk, PLEASE...............LIKE HE EVER CALL ME. IN THE FREAKING 2 YEARS ALMOST 3. HE ONLY CALLED ME LIKE 6 O 7 TIMES...i think he is ok with this, i mean i dont see him trying to get back. so i guess that is a yes.

anyways i am pretty depressed over this whole shit. and often i feel so alone. i guess i am so sensitive that ihave gotten mad at my mom a couple of times and i feel worse. more lonely than ever.

my school, i start at 9am monday, wednesday and fridays. and i got class till 1:25 mondays and wednesdays. fridays i get out at 12 and tuesdays and thursday i got one class only 10-11am. my classes are like 50 minutes long only. i like school. i just dont like the hella long projects the teacher gives u.

September 2, 2003
9:51 am
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well we are together....i had a long conversation with a cousin of mine that lives in Australia last week and she's in her 30's, been married 3times and I know she went thru a lot of relationship problems and all this shit...so I spoke to her and she told me, if you really love him and you know that he loves you then, stop your shit...just try to belive him when he sais he really wants to be with you, try to trust him, don't make more out of what he sais...if he sais they only kissed, don't take it to a highler level, just try to belive him and be happy because if you keep bitchin he will get sick of it and won't want to be with you anymore, so if you really love him and you know he is what you want then move on and give it a try. So...that is what i;m doing, we've been doing good so far, don't think that I forgot all about what hes done, cuz i still think about it all the time, but I try very hard not to talk about it or make stupid comments that I know would piss him off....and it's been good.

I'm sorry to hear bout your sadness and lonelyness....i hate being lonely and alone, but it sounds like you're better off without him.. I didn't know that he never used to call you and I'm glad that u see it as if he doesn't call you or try to get back with you then let it be....I dont think you should send him a B-day card either, because that will make him think that you want him back and that ur after him....if you dont send it to him, he's gonna be more shocked that you don't care....thats what i think....

tonight is my first class .... i am excited...i'll tell you how it went ...good luck with everything and hope you'll feel better

September 2, 2003
3:41 pm
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i hate it when stupid people call my house and leave no messages but u know they did cause it says 2, they just hang up. i wonder if its him? but i really doubt it. i constantly think of him, in all the bus rides coming from school i listen to this cd and i just think of him. theres a lot of shit that remind me of him, like the VMAs or Newlyweds or The real world (i told him to watch it and when i see one of those shows, i just remembered that he hasnt seeing it yet and that he might be watching it at the same time as me) and i just get very sad. i dont wanna be rude to him, cause he greeted me on my birthday and he call me cause he wanted to get back. but am not gonna send him anything else.

i know what u mean, if i dont send it to him he will think i forgot about him already. call me crazy. but i dont wanna make him think that i forgot about him when i really havent and when i still really want to be with him. this is not what i really want and just doing it for the best. its like a candy. it gives u caveties, so its bad, but u still want it cause u like it. i wish i could go to sleep and wake up on the 90th day. by that time hopefully i will feel better.

i know this is crazy, and all the people tell me to get over it, but if u had to choose to move on or return to that person, u rather risk getting hurt again than going through that pain of forgeting. and i know this is how i think.

am glad u guys r doing so great now. i think ur cousin is right, although he lied and once he does what makes u think he wont do it again? but still, i also think u should give him ur trust once again and if he lies, then he is not doing the honest part in the relationship. and he dont deserve u. also, dont think about what he did, just forget about it, cause ur hurting urself, getting mad or sad about it.

i got only one class today and am glad, i am so sleepy and i have to do a lot of easy homework for tomorrow. but to me they r hard. good luck at school today and i hope u like it.

September 2, 2003
11:32 pm
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yea class was good...got upset after I got out because when i called him he was sleepin already and before class he told me he would come out for a bit. We see eachother everyday, today we didn't see eachother at all cuz we were both very busy at work and then I had a dr's appt. after work..then school and then he was sleepin already...when he answered the phone he sounded like he was still sleepin so I got mad and i said... I'll talk to you tomorrow and then he said in the sleepiest voice "I'm sorry baby" just that little thing he said made it all better... I hate when he has this power over me, it;s like I can be sooo mad at him sometimes and he sais one nice thing and i'm ok. i don't understand..I know it's not healthy to let anyone have that kinda power over you but I guess it's love and all the books that I read they all say that love like that is not healhy...but it's life...and that's it...
i'm ok now...lonely, i miss him but im ok i guess...

I really hope you will feel better...I know what you mean when you say that you want to be with him even thou u know that's not the right thing....look...i had to make that decesion too right...Im takin a hudge ass risk now...how do I know he wont start having feelings for another girl in a few months or how do I know he;s not gonna speak to this girl again...but like you said...if that happens then I really know that I am 100% better off without him...so for now I just take it day by day...

I didnt really mean not to send him the card because he's gonna think you forgot about him, he knows you didnt...i just thought that it would show him that u got stronger...i;m not sure how to explain what i meant...but ur right...send him the card...i dont know what woudl i do..i probably would send it to him too.. =o) we're girls LOL....

well i'll speak to u later

September 3, 2003
10:56 am
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its me again....i am happy now...I wasnt gonna call him this morning. I ussually call him on my way to work, but because i got pissed last night I didnt want to call him, wanted to see if he would call to try to explain himslef for last night.....and guess what ...on my way out the house to leave for work..my cell rang..and it was him...he said he doesn't know what happened last night, he was just really tired cuz he worked outside all day in the rain and it was his first day back to work after vacation, so he fell asleep and was very tired....then he sais to me...r u mad at me...but u sound like ur pissed...i kept saying no...but it just felt soo good to know that he cared...

September 3, 2003
7:40 pm
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ur so lucky u get to see him everyday. i bet u dont know, but my relationship was over internet, although we tried to make it like it wasnt. he knows what i look like and so do i, i am supposely the reason why he came to live in this country. cause he wanted to meet me. but every thing's in the past now. its a good experience, learning that it hardly never works, it always fails. its not that i envy u right now. but i would sure love to trade places with u for one day and see what having a bf really feels like.

i am in the program at school. federal work study. but i am trying to find something easy and that i like doing, but everything seems like its not for me. i am just gonna give up on that money.

its been four days without "seeing-chating" with him. its gonna be 5 today. time flys. but it also seems like its not fast enough. why do i still remember him? i havent been able to sleep at nights, and the nights seem so short. its like not enough time for me to get a good sleep. i guess i still lie awake thinking about him. thats why i dont sleep.

this new person just emailed me and the subject says "with love" and i dont know who he is and the email says nothing. i thought it was him pretending to have another name. to confuse me, but i know its not. now i get another email in my other account and its from someone and it says hey how u been doing? i havent heard from u since like forever, it would be nice to know from u so eamil back.

all i can say is 'ur so lucky!!!'

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