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I need to apologize
November 9, 2004
10:08 am
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Anonymous
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I feel I need to apologize to everyone on here. I always come here and bitch about my problems and how Mr. Jack is such a jerk but I have stayed with him. Then everytime we break up, it is an unbearable pain. Then we always manage to get back together somehow, and the cycle continues. So I am sorry. I feel like I am one of those people that will just bitch and bitch and not do anything about it. First of all, I am sorry. I saw Mr. Jack last night, and things went well. I know that my issues aren't so much Mr. Jack now, but what is wrong with me. I keep reflecting all the crap he does, but I don't look at why I stay, why we both know what we have is unhealthy and destructive yet we both cannot leave. We talked about it last night, how we have this pattern. It is the abuse pattern and we both play in it. We both fight, and so forth and then have the honeymoon phase. I fear I am no better than him. We have both been in the wrong, I know this. I know I have abandonment issues, and therefore it is so hard for me to let go. I think he has something along those lines as well. I am unsure. I don't know why I feel so connected to him, when it hurts so much all the time. I have never felt this way before.

November 9, 2004
10:18 am
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Anonymous
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((((((Aces))))))

No need for an apology. We have all done this at one time or another and I'm a firm believer in that everyone has their own pace and ways to deal with issues/relationships in our lives. We are not perfect, not one of us and we are not here to judge. We are here to help, support, comfort, listen whatever it takes!!

Hugs,

Sunny

November 9, 2004
10:23 am
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Tumbleweed8
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Aces and Spades, I haven't read the history, but I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I know the letting go part is very hard and it is painful, I can identify with that. I stayed in relationships for too long many times and I know how stressful that is and the back and forth trying to make a decision. For me it just seemed the time had to be right and finally I made the changes, that or when there was no choice sometimes. Sending you hugs!

November 9, 2004
10:27 am
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gingerleigh
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No need to apologize to us! As stated above, almost all of us have been where you are at one time or another, maybe still are there and are just too chicken shit to talk about it. Apologize to the kid inside you who fears abandonment, tell her you'll never abandon her, and tell her that it's OK no matter what happens. Sometimes the best lessons we learn are the ones it takes us longest to learn.

November 9, 2004
10:28 am
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mamacinnamon
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No need to apologize.

If you both know the score and want to stay together have you thought about or gone to marriage counseling? The both of you.

November 9, 2004
10:29 am
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Anonymous
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Thank you both of you, I guess I just feel like I lose my right to be upset when I continually stay with him, or talk to him even. Like if I don't make the decision to leave, I should not be upset by things. I guess it is just hard because for the first time in my life, I am unsure of what is truly going on. I hate the fact that I am always upset but then the times that we do get along, they make me so happy, and sometimes I feel I have to sacrafice and give all this pain to get alittle bit of happiness. And sometimes I think that it isn't real unless there is pain. Does that makes sense at all?

November 9, 2004
10:32 am
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Anonymous
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mama - we are not married, just dating, not even living together. We just seem to have this knack to piss eachother off, to hurt eachother, and to then be more hurt when we try to leave or break it off. I sometimes wish I was stronger than this.

November 9, 2004
10:38 am
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Katkeyper
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Hey A&S,

You and I are in the same boat...I feel like I'm reading my own writing.

I haven't kept up...I'm back after a few months, but I hear ya. I'm back doing the same thing about the same guy...and as Sunnygirl said, we all have our own pace. Hang in there...

I do come here to bitch, complain and hope to gain some nugget of truth to get me to the next level. I hope to learn something along the way about myself...about why he's like he is, even if I can't break the same patterns, or I'm making the same mistakes...I want to compare, contrast... I want to be heard, I want to heal...I want to know I'm not the only one whose fears are controlling her life. I don't think we need to apologize for this.

November 9, 2004
10:40 am
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Escape for Passion
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Hello Ace,

I just read your thread and it brought tears to my eyes. We all want to be in that one healthy relationship. I've come to wonder myself from time to time, if there really is such a thing. Hence, "the Cinderella myth." There isn't such a thing. So don't apologize to us, in one way or another we've all been through what your going throw right now. Or are currently in that same relationship. So remember you are not alone. We're all here to help and support you in what ever choice you make. Do what's best for you. Only you will know what is right for you. ((((HUGS & KISSES))))

November 9, 2004
10:48 am
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CAMER
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HI ((ACES))) i am with all the others "no need to apologize" and honey I have been thru the same thing, always saying i am going to break up and never doing it. I think we all go thru it at some point in our lives. My therapist told me that
maybe I am just "not ready"...and it
is true, everyone deals with issues at there own pace. Be good to yourself
and know that you have so much support here and never apologize. I wish you well. (((hugs and support))) camer

November 9, 2004
11:07 am
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workinonit
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Hey aces, I guess I'll be the only one to accept your apology!! LOL

No. I'm kidding honey...you should never have to apologize for being a human being after all, if we were perfect none of us would even be on this ole planet earth!! You know? We'd be cannonized ny now!!!

Just watch yourself please. Ask him to go to couples counseling if you are getting back with him. You really don't say. Just watch yourself!!!!! PLEASE!!!!

November 9, 2004
11:18 am
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Anonymous
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I dont know what we are doing, but I do not think we are going to actually get back together, I just think it is too hard for us right now to be DONE and not talk at all. I suggested to him that we take a couple days and think and then talk civily to eachother.

November 9, 2004
11:20 am
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kathygy
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Aces, I feel compassion for you for being stuck in an abusive relationship. I am not judging you so you don't need to apoligize. But I will say, as I say often on this board, I believe its the childhood wounds that are keeping you hooked into a relationship that is bad for you. Mr. Jack obviously has a lot of childhood wounds to be so abusive. I do feel that I want to help you and I feel that I can best do that by being as honest as possible and holding out reality to you about your relationship. You pay a very high price for a few moments of happiness. Work on healing your childhood wounds and you will no longer need to be in such a destructive relationship. Healthy relationships do exist. The day will come when you will be ready to let go of Mr. Jack and meanwhile I support you in your recovery. That is what we are here for, recovery from codependency.

November 9, 2004
11:34 am
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Anonymous
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I have never had so much support in my life, and it touches my heart. Thank you. Kathy, I completely agree with you. I truly do. I know that it is childhood issues that reflect our actions today. That is why i know I need to work on my issues first and stop trying to figure him out. It isn't about him or what he thinks or what he will do, but me, and why do I do the things I do and let happen. I know that right now not ever seeing him again, tears me apart. But then again I do know that what we do have hurts so much. I do know I need to work on things, and I do see my psychologist tomorrow so I hope that will help. Right now I am just confused, it is the hardest thing when you want to do something, but then when you try to do it, it is so much worse.

November 9, 2004
1:15 pm
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fairy99
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Aces

You know I couldn't just sit by and not chime in. HA.

Anyway, I have always told you that you have to do what makes you happy. And yes, you may have issues as well but I am sorry, Mr Jack is just out right destructive to any person he comes in contact with. There is no way you can convince me that you deserved the things he said and did to you. NOPE, no way. And even if you did, that gives him the right to talk to you like a dog? No honey it doesn't give him the right. But, like I said, I only want for you to be happy no matter what that is. I'm here for you no matter what, and as long as you will let me I will continue to be here to help pick up the pieces when he tears you apart.

You are worthy of so much more than you realize.

~~fairy~~

November 9, 2004
1:42 pm
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Anonymous
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Hey Aces,

You owe no apologies. And by all means, bitch away!!!

You come here for support, and I see that you also give support. You are an asset to this site and the people who are brave enough to talk about their personal problems. I notice you, what you say, how you say it, and find you to be far more healthy than you might imagine!

Yeah, you might break up and make up. It happens to us all--for a while.

Keep on speaking up about whatever, whenever.

Sincerely,

Ren'ai

November 9, 2004
2:04 pm
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Anonymous
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Thank you, to all of you. It has really helped. I think I feel and see that my friends in my life get very annoyed with my indecisiveness and so I feel that people on here would too. I know I get annoyed sometimes with it. I know that I need to learn what I am suppose to learn. I know that I have not been perfect and I take responisibilty for my actions, and I also know what I need to work on, I do know that Mr. Jack is not all the sudden a great person, that he has problems as well, and I know that the chances of us ever really working out is slim to none, but for now, I am not quite able to never talk to him again, because I have to learn to be okay with that type of pain before I do that. Thank you for listening.

Fairy- you're still my hero.

November 9, 2004
2:07 pm
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starryslp
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Aces..you know we all love you..no need to apolize...that is the nice thing here.....everyone accepts us good and bad.

We will support you no matter what....

Love ya!

November 9, 2004
2:08 pm
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Anonymous
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And I will support you all no matter what.

November 9, 2004
2:30 pm
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LEILEI
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Aces & Spades: I don't feel any one here is here with the intent to judge, keep score, or point out weaknessses in each other. When I was 17, met man of my dreams - My parents forbid me to see him - he was from the other side of the tracks, which drove me into his arms. Nonetheless,I snuck around to see him and he became the focus of my life, soon to be 18 he phoned my father to tell me we were going to get married. My dad's response: over my dead body, my father then proceeded to go the his parents house where we both were this guy took a 2 x 4 and started beating my dad. My dad is 6'1 230lbs., but my dad just stood there bleeding from his head and told me this would be me someday. Wow, he was right - I left with my dad that day - but can you believe I still married him after high school, for a brief time. We ran away to TX- I know the cycle -only I took many beatings when the tension was too much, but the honeymoon phase and empty promises kept me there. Until one day, I left -
Took him about 2 weeks to find me, I will never forget that Sunday morning, and the people so unwillingly to help as I screamed for my life when I saw the bat in his hand.
He fractured my skull, and the orbit of my eye. He received 7 years in Huntsville, TX for assault with the intent to kill. I moved homr and focused on college and career. Thethe shelter for battered woman was a revolving door for me, yet I was always welcomed when the police would take me there and when I would decide to leave I was never made to feel guilty. After becoming a volunteer advocate I learned so much - it takes on average 24 times before a woman leaves for good, the bruises go away, but the feeling of worthlessness, and thankfulness that this person loves you cause who else would can almost be to much to digest.
My point - whether you stay or go, I, and all of us will be right here for you. I understand the difficulty in leaving and the difficulty in staying. You don't have to try and please anyone but yourself. You have nothing to prove.
You are a good person.
That is the beauty in all of this, we may give our opinion, but the love here is unconditional, without prejudice. Never feel that because you haven't consciously moved on or that you should be further than you are is not true.
This is not a test, this is your life, and while your mate may not beat you the cycle exsists and it is good that you are both aware of it. Just know that this is your safehaven. Don't expect to much of yourself and take one day at a time and know that you are loved and respected for you.

To love onself is the beginning of a life long romance
Oscar Wilde

November 9, 2004
2:46 pm
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Anonymous
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Wow LeiLei, thank you for sharing that with me and everyone else. I am so sorry you had to go through that, it truly does make me realize that things could always be worse. But I am so terribly sorry that you experienced that. I hope that you do not see this guy anymore, well obvioulsy not if he is in jail. You are a strong person to be able to get through something like that.

November 9, 2004
4:21 pm
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fairy99
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Aces

ANd you mine my dear. Your always in my prayers.

~~fairy~~

November 9, 2004
5:57 pm
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LEILEI
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ace and spades- I am not sorry it happened it was 15 years ago and I shouldn't have brought it up because it was a detour from the point I was trying to make to you. It is just that when I respond i always feel like I have to go into a deep explanation as to why I am responding the way I am - so it won't be misconstrued i think i might have a problem? I just want my point to be clear and to speak from my heart - I don't want your thread to be about me at all, and I don't think i am good at this and maybe i should stop.

November 9, 2004
5:58 pm
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Anonymous
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Leilei, I dont know why you would ever think or say that, anything that people say is always helpful, I expressed my sorrow for what you had to endure that was all. I welcome your response anytime.

PS you are fine at this

November 9, 2004
7:27 pm
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Anonymous
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((((Aces))))

Don't apologize! I can't count the number of times I've said I've had enough and I'm out!! I also feel guilty about bitching and then staying. But you know what? I wasn't ready, and I'm still not ready 100% but I'm forcing myself now, for my own good. All I know is that I get depressed whenever we get back together, and when I leave, I feel liberated. That's probably the only thing pushing me right now, as I am all too willing to forgive and lick my wounds and say amen. I'm still afraid of him getting back in, and my weakness towards him. I think your on the right track here, focusing on yourself. It would take a lifetime to scratch the surface of their problems and issues if you really wanted to get into it I think.... and if it is true that most woman take 24 times to really leave then I should have about 10 more tries to go:) JK I want this to be the finale. Your doing great aces, we're all here for each other right???

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