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I need someone to listen. Please help me.
October 1, 2000
9:22 pm
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dudet
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I don't know why I am asking for help because I don't want help. Please don't take this the wrong way but even though I don't want help, I have this feeling that I need help. I don't want my parents to know b/c I don't want help from them and I don't want them to be scared. I want to talk to someone who doesn't know me and see if they can help me. I don't want to go to a hospital and talk to a bunch of doctors. I want to talk to someone who doesn't know me so they can't turn me over to anyone and make me get professional help. I want to talk to someone going through what I am going through and who will listen to me and make me feel better and make me feel like I am someone and I mean something in this world.
I guess I should say what's wrong with me. I can't really explain it, it's in the depressing feeling I get when people are in a fight, the jumping sensation when I walk over a bridge. It's like I want to jump but there is something holding me back and telling me to stop and at the same time that I want it to hold me back, I want it to go and let me jump. It's in the sadness I get every time I eat. I want to be skinnier and loose wieght but I don't know how. I have tried exercising but it doesn't work. I have seen skinny people and I wish I was skinny. I used to get hungry and have to force myself not to eat a lot but now I just never get hungry. I scared. I want to not eat and I want to be skinny but I don't want to be called anerexic. I eat a little so I won't be anerexic. That would be bad. I'm scared and I want someone to understand me and let me cry but not make me stop what I am doing. It's working. I want it to keep working and when I get skinny enough then I want to stop. Not untill I am skinny enough. I want someone to understand that and let me be but help me at the same time. I used to wonder what would happen if I threw up, I used to think I could throw up as much as I wanted and it wouldn't make any difference on me or my health. It never bothered me b/c I could not forcefully make myself throw up. I then learned that by throwing up, you are taking out the food that went into you. I learned that throwing up is the same as not eating, I learned that throwing up will make your teeth turn a weird color and that is not good. That is the only thing that is keeping me from throwing up- the fact that if my teeth turn a weird color, someone will notice and get me help, which will defeat the whole purpose of my throwing up. I want someone to listen to me.
I am sorry this letter is so long but I wanted to say everything b/c I though it would make me feel better- it didn't. If you will talk to me or know of somewhere on-line where I can talk confidetially, please tell me.

October 2, 2000
4:57 pm
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dakillerman
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Hey,

First,I just want to say that I am 20 yrs old, and I shouldn't be taken as a psychaitrists or therapist, but please just think about what I say.

Second, its ok to get help. Don't waste your time thinking about getting help or not, just get it!

Third, about your depressive feeling, uhhhh, these are some solutions:
1)making funny friends could defanantly help. When I am sad, I just hang around my friends and let them make me laugh. Or just watch some funny movies.
2)Also, try going for a jog. I feel better after running, and I lost weight.A lot of people r trying to lose pounds, not only u! Just don't let it bother u to much, cause its not that important. I lost 10 pounds by running, drinking plenty of water, and not eating junk food, BUT NEVER NOT EATING. Food is delecious, and makes me happy when I eat it,but stay away from icecream, cookies and all that crap.
3)Don't let urself be unhappy while others are happy. Beat them Fight on!!Talk to someone by phone if u don't want to see em and if that doesn't work then see em. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH GETTING HELP. Eat good, and exercise can do a lot. We all are beautiful people. Fight, u can win this battle. Write me back.

October 2, 2000
5:45 pm
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Molly
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We are a fine tuned machine, that needs fuel, if you don't eat you will not loose weight. Try the 40/30/30 plan, that will help you loose weight, but you must eat, if you do not eat,your body will hold fat. Eat every 3 1/2 hours, and try some exercise with that, and you will loose weight. so like what else is going on, so that you feel so out of controll with your life, that is usually the reason behind anorexia, not that I called you that but your symptoms match, is it possibly some sort of sexual abuse? That too can cause these feelings, this is confidential, so go ahead and put it here, but you need to put it some where, and help is not bad. Its a good thing.

October 13, 2000
5:31 pm
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seabreeze
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Seabreeze
13-Oct-00

I really and truly heard everything you were saying and I am frustrated with the responses you have received so far. I don't think it is possible for anyone to understand what you are saying unless they have been there - and trust me I have. It gets to the point where there really is no choice in the matter - you just simply CAN'T eat.
I have had my eating disorder for 16 years. I have been hospitalized twice. I went through 6 years of temporarily successful counseling but I quit after that because I moved. It was a bad life-management decision for me to make, that quitting. I still suffer.
I would like to say something to you - fix this or it will ruin your entire life. My teeth have had to all be replaced with fake porcelain, my heart is not well, my hair and skin are unhealthy, and I do not know how to carry on normal, healthy relationships. My life is one continuous roller coaster.
If I could do one thing over, it would be to actually have admitted way early on that I needed help and actually taken it. Maybe my life would be more in control later.
I wish you well, my friend. And if you need someone to listen, please feel free to keep writing me back - I will respond.

October 14, 2000
12:07 am
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waiting for a sign
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Bravo to Seabreeze. Dudet needs to talk to someone who has gone through this and I just wanted to say thanks for helping. While diet talk is good it is only good for the person using the tool. The same diets do not work for everybody. Dudet, focus on you and not what everybody else thinks. Corresponding with Seabreeze can be very beneficial to you. Good Luck.

October 14, 2000
5:34 pm
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janes
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Dudet...I agree focus on you and not what everyone else thinks...like why do you wnat to be skinny?

To look better?

Who said you looked bad?

You don't want help from trained fols but you will accept help from a bunch of us who may NOT KNOW what we are taling about? that is a good way to blow off ANY ADVICE YOU ARE GIVEN.

We all have feeling of inadequacy, feel to fat (thanks to the media)

You hear voices telling you to jump off bridges? But something holds you back?

You can do whatever you want. When ever you want. But if you really want to keep your teeth nice just find a friendly counlselor and talk over what you are worried about. You never have to go back if you don't like them.

Molly's right...our boidies are designed to store up fat if we are not eating enough. It is in case a famine comes....it's in the wiring. Better to eat regularly and exercise hard. That way you can fool it maybe.

October 17, 2000
8:40 pm
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Brenda
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its about taking control when yourlife feels out of control

October 18, 2000
9:12 pm
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seabreeze
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seabreeze
18-Oct-00

Brenda, you are completely right on. If Dudet can figure out an area of her life that she CAN take control of instead of just her eating, she might stand a chance. Unfortunately, if she doesn't feel good enough about her life that it doesn't seem worthwhile, she won't care enough to TRY. That's where the help comes in. If I had treated this disease within the first 4-5 years of having it, statistics show I would have probably made it. Come on, Dudet, let me live vicariously through you and fix this NOW! Where are you anyway? We haven't heard from you since you first wrote!

October 19, 2000
11:39 am
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Cici
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I have disease-induced anorexia. I have a digestive disease which prevents me from eating. I get about 800-1000 calories/day. I am on nutritional supplementation and take too many medications to mention here. I go to the hospital every two months. My hair is falling out, my nails are brittle and break off. My skin is dry and I have no enery (obviously, since I can't eat!)

So. You don't want to be anorexic. It's ugly, painful, dangerous, and uncomfortable. It makes you live life in a fog because your brain doesn't get enough nutrition.

I remember feeling like you did when I was in high school and still healthy. I wished that I could stop eating. Now I pray every night that I can eat, that my stomach and intestines and gall bladder will heal instead of getting progressively worse and failing as they are now.

All advice aside, you won't seek help until you deem it necessary. But you can do a few things to life up your self esteem. Volunteer. It's easy, you help people who ar in much more desparate situations than you are, and it gives you perspective on life.

Do something physical. Walk, run, set aside private time. Write in a journal. And go sit in a mall one day, and look at all the people. Big, small, thin, wide, they come in so many different sizes. That's how we were made, of course. This is reality, not what you see in magazines or on TV.

I have friends who have my disease as well. Two have had their stomachs fully removed and will be fed through tubes into their intestines for the rest of their lives. A few others are on tube feedings but still have their stomachs. This is what you do not want. Please listen to someone who wishes she could change her body to be healthy. I would trade stomachs with anyone, fat or thin, in seconds, if it worked.

October 19, 2000
5:00 pm
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Cal
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Dear Dudet,
I have just read your letter and I must say that it concerns me very much. I sense that you are struggling with some things right now that are causing you a great deal of emotional pain. You made reference to feelings of sadness, depression, aloneness, fear and feeling powerless over your situation, almost as if some outside force were controlling you. What concerns me most though is that you may be feeling troubled enough now to want to harm yourself since you stated feeling compelled to jump off of a bridge. If this is true then I want you to leave your computer right now and call 1-800-784-2433, the national suicide hotline. The call is free and the staff will listen. The other feelings you are having are all consistent with clinical depression. Depression is a serious illness but it is nothing to be ashamed of. Most people will experience depression at some point during their life, some more severely than others. The important thing for you to know is that depression is a very treatable illness. Therapy and medications are helping thousands of people manage their depression, even people that felt as troubled as you do right now. The first step in getting help, and I do think that you want help, is to talk with your parents immediately. Tell them how you feel and ask them to make an appointment with your primary care doctor. If what you say scares them, then it is probably because they love you. If you feel that you can't talk to your parents or if they won't listen, go to a hospital emergency room. If you need transportation and there is no bus service or other form of public transportation in your community, then call your local police department or 9-1-1 and request that they take you to the hospital in accordance with mental hygiene law. In regards to your eating disorder, it too is a life threatening illness. Anorexia Nervosa is brought about by a severe disturbance of body image and a morbid fear of obesity. People with anorexia feel that they must maintain a much lower body weight than is considered to be even minimally acceptable for their height and age. They do this by means of excercising exessively, using laxatives or inducing vomiting, and by restricting food intake to far below what their body requires even though they may feel hungry. In time, if food intake remains low enough, then the feelings of hunger may stop altogether, as yours have. Long term complications of anorexia include, but are not limited to, damage to the heart muscle and thyroid and estrogen deficiency in women that can lead to osteoporosis. Again, you need to see your health care provider. He or she can help you get the treatment that you need. Doctors and nurses are not people to be afraid of. They will help you get better and they will maintain your confidentiality so you can tell them anything without fear of it being disclosed to other people. If you don't do it for yourself, then do it for me and the other people who have responded to your letter because we all believe that you are somebody and the world needs you. Please let us know how you are doing.

November 5, 2000
3:38 am
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Anonymous
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have you ever heard of I'm ok your ok? Do not put to much emphithis (msp)
on what others think,I am 48 years old,(male) & i'm a cat with 9 lives. I have survived car accidents where every one was killd but me,I have been shot in the neck with a 357 magnum,rolled & endowed my own car, fallen off clifs,etc.
Moral of story is you have to like yourself & the people that are judgemental aren't worth listening to anyway.We are all here for a reason & don't be so hard on yourself,you are just as wonderfull person as I am.
The way I look at it is (I'm just as good as everyone else & no one is better than I am)
Here, have a nice day, smile!!!

Å
±©¿®‡
Õ (that's suposed to be a moustache)

November 12, 2000
6:39 am
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Ruth
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Hey Dudet,

I know where you are. I have been there myself. I bet there are times when you don't feel sad at all...it may be referred to as a roller coaster. At times you get depressed...so much that you want to end it all. So much that you see no point to living anymore. I realized that I wasn't appreciating enough of what was right in front of me. Like the miracle of a breeze cooling your brow on a hot day...or the wonder a long walk can do....just getting out and walking in the woods...to smell the scent of pine and oak...or Eucalyptis if you live out west...or how about just getting totally isolated and just closing your eyes and listening to everything around you. How beautiful life is..no matter what shape you were given. I agree with the fact that it is okay to reach out and find help...but you have to care to live first. You have to want to be happy first. You have to be absolutly sick of being sick and tired all the time. As for losing weight...that is an admirable goal and it will help you to live a longer, healthier life in the long run IF you do it right. Getting at least 30 minutes of good aerobic exercise; that is the type where you keep your heartrate up to about 120 beats per minute for the duration of your exercise...like jogging or biking or dancing...swimming, playing basketball, football, soccer, baseball, tennis...you name it..do that for about 3 times a week..4 is best and eat good food. Veggies and fruits...don't forget your meat and all..cut down on the fat and you will automatically reduce your calorie intake. The FDA recommended daily allowance of fat is 60 grams a day...if you cut that by a third...and then by half, you will drop some weight, but if you cut your fat and get out and exercise, you will feeel a lot better. There is a chemical in the brain called an endorphin that is released when you exercise...it will actually make you feel euphorically 'high' in some cases and it is totally safe and legal. So get out and see the beauty around you... Remember that the briar patches on the roadsides with the black berries...the ones that look like there are several small berries stuck together, they are safe to eat. 🙂 I am a walker and an explorer around my woods, and I love them. If you don't have woods...find a park. Do anything but nothing! I love ya. [email protected]. Let me know how you are doing.

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