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I need somebody to tell me everything is going to be alright
September 16, 2005
10:56 pm
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jamaicanwife
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I just got hom and found a letter from the mortgage company saying that they are going to put my house up for auction if we don't clear up the arrears by today's date. My husband said not to worry, that he will talk to them on Monday, but I just started crying after I finished talking to him.

This is not the worst situation we've been in, but I feel as though I've been hit by a truck. I am at work with the last stage of the flu, tired and run down. I had a long talk with my manager today who recited a laundry list of issues with me, not the least of which is that after 2 years I need to be more than really bright with uncharted potential - I need to start delivering already.

I just feel that my life is out of my control as usual, and that things are not getting any better. I don't know how to make things better. I can't run away, but I found myself fantasising about it, just walking out on everything, my husband, my son, my mother and sisters, my job, my thrice-damned potential. Just disappear and reappear somewhere with not potential.

I am sinking in quicksand, have been since I was 12 years old, and it is so slow, so gradual, so thorough, so INEVITABLE that I just don't see how there is any point to this. God,I'm crying again. How do people

September 16, 2005
11:01 pm
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jamaicanwife
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How do people live like this?

Is it really so wrong to want somebody to look after the details of life, so I can get on with something more f***ing important than paying bills and washing dishes and meeting deadlines? I know that I have something to contribute to this world, but i will never get free of this crap so I can get something done.

All I do is try to motivate myself to do meaningless shit I don't want to do anyway. No wonder people kill themselves. Or drink, or take drugs. That way, you don't care so much.

September 16, 2005
11:06 pm
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depressionsucks78
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JW~ many hugs for you!!!!!!!!!!

i wish that i COULD tell you everything will be ok, but that would be wrong, in my mind.

everything probably WILL be fine, but maybe not right away. i'm sorry you're hurting so much. i don't have much to offer you, except my love and support.

take things one step at a time, one day at a time, it's the only way to do anything. i wish i could take my own advice right now, but we will ALL be okay, someday. just remember you have friends here who truly care.

much love and hugs ~ds78

September 16, 2005
11:10 pm
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lollipop3
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(((JW)))),

I'm sorry that you are having such a hard time.

I don't have any advice I'm afraid but just know that we love you and we are here to support you.

Love,
Lolli

September 16, 2005
11:27 pm
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jamaicanwife
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I am sitting here trying not to think about how easy it would be to kill myself. I don't think I'm suicidal, but for the first time since i was a child, I am thinking about how much simpler it would make things if I just resigned from the game, just stopped playing.

I don't want any responsibility, I don't know what to do with it. I don't want to own a house, I hate this house, we were railroaded into buying it and we have never been able to afford the mortgage. I never wanted a child, but I felt like such a bad person for even thinking it that I never said it aloud even once. My son is terrific, but he is a terrific responsibility and most of the time, I wish somebody else would deal with him for me so I can get my life back.

I like my job, but it is hard as hell. I don't like hard. I want something to be easy, for a change.

Back in the bad old days, solitude gave me strength and my intelligence made school easy so I could really concentrate on my father and his big bowl of crap. Now, there is no solitude, and my intelligence is not helping me in any way. If I was stupid and had some stupid job doing some repetitive crap, I would probably be in less trouble.

Anyway, what is the point of all this moaning? It changes nothing.

I long for the days when I could pray and feel better. I've been mad at God for so long now, I can't even feel him anymore. I'm numb to the presence of God.

September 16, 2005
11:39 pm
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cindle
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JW

A big hug to you!!! I haven't been on this site that long - I usually read but don't post much. But, I know how overwhelming things can seem at times. I can totally relate to you being mad at God. I have been angry with him on and off for the past 2 years ever since my ex left for another woman. But, God is near. He knows your pain. Look for the small miracles and recognize that they are coming from him.

I wish there was more to say to help you. I was just in a big depressed state recently so I know the emotions you're going through.

I'll keep you in my prayers. Hang in there - one day at a time.

September 16, 2005
11:45 pm
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exoticflower
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(((((((((((jw)))))))))), I hate hearing how much pain you are feeling right now. Let's try to deconstruct this a little, huh?

First, the house. YOur husband is right, it will be handled Monday just fine, and there is nothing you can do before then but take a breath and put it on the back burner. YOu yourself said that this is not the worst thing and other things are making it bigger in your mind. So, throw off that weight for now, it can hold you under a different time when your strong enough to fight it better.

Second, you have been sick. Sickness passes, and when it does you are going to be so relieved that everything will seem brighter. The last part of being sick is the worste, your still only at 50%, but as you where at 10% before, people tend to treat you as 'all better', even when you still don't have it all togeather physically, which in turn effects your mental ability to e top notch. Even if others are putting the pressure on like you are fully up to speed, don't cave or accept that pressure. COntinue to go easy on yourself, pamper yourself a little even, you still really do need it for your own well being.

I'll tell you something, I never wanted a child either. It doesn't make you a bad person, it doesn't make him any less loved, it means that life doesn't always happen the way we want it to, and surprises us with gifts and hardships, often in the same package. I know I love my little girl more than anything in the world, nothing, not even my not having wanted her when I found out I was pregnant, could possibly take that away from her or your son. Children are loved and cherished, even if the life changes that they brought with them are not. That is that, allow yourself to dislike what you do about being a parent as long as you love your child himself...baby steps, you can start to sort this out, and now that you have said it here we can work with you on it if you ever need some guidance. When we accept that life is not fair, we can start to forgive ourself some of our disenchantments with it and then sort of let go of that frustration. This is actually something I am working on a little bit in therapy as well, isn't it perfect that we seem to be covering so much of the same ground paralell to one another? Maybe we should start a thread about it, I know it is actually a lot more common a feeling than most mothers know until they talk about it. It was such a relief when my councelor in NY told me that she hears that a lot and it isn;t a terribly difficult thing to work through, a lot of it sort of figures itself out as you become healthier in other areas, it's all about acceptance.

So, those a re a few things to touch on and mull over for now, and let me assure you, friend, EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE ALRIGHT. I know it is. It may not be perfect, it may not be sunshine and lollipops, but it is going to be ALRIGHT, I feel sure of that. And YOU are going to be alright too! Hugs, ef

September 16, 2005
11:53 pm
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Randomwomen2
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hey hunny if i hadnt taken my pills i would prlbbly have some words of wisdom for you but i cant even type verywell yet alone think. Just know that we will be praying for you and that we love youo

September 16, 2005
11:54 pm
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jamaicanwife
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Just writing it all out and knowing that there are friends reading, and caring enough to just say, I'm here, I'm listening makes me feel a lot better.

Thank you all so much. Tomorrow, after I've rested a little, I will start to work through this, but just for now, I think I'll be alright.

Love to all of you.

September 17, 2005
12:26 am
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sdesigns
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Hi Jw: I'm sorry you're getting dealt more than your share of C**p. Just throwing out another spin on this. Maybe losing the house is the way it will all work out. I'm not saying that that is the ideal outcome, but maybe if that happens you will move to a living situation that is more affordable. Maybe then some of the pressure will be off. It can't be pleasant working to pay for something you didn't want and don't like. That's not very motivating or satisfying. So its possible that someone is looking after you, after all. Just doing it in a dif way than expected.

I never wanted kids and don't regret that decision but I look at other people whose children are grown and they see that they will always have loved ones in their life. And then the grandkids come along and there are even more people in their life. I think when we are really old, those offspring would be a comfort. At least you will have someone. I have no one and never will.

I hope that when you are feeling better (flu, flu go away) that things won't seem so bleak. SD

September 17, 2005
3:29 pm
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gofigure
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(((jw))) I feel your pain. Although it is not nearly as big as a house, the same thing is happening with the car my husband financed and that I drive to work and school and chauffer the kids around with. The only difference is that until last week when I finally confronted him, he's been lying to me about its probable repossesion for the last month. And though I would be lost without a car (work school etc) I keep thinking I hope they take the f*#@er because we were struggling BEFORE we had this stupid payment. If we weren't renting from my in-laws we'd likely be out on the street too.

Anyway, I'm not writing to let all of my crap out, but I wanted you to know that I so understand the hopelessness you feel and the thoughts of suicide--even if you know you'll never do it. Please please please don't let yourself get to that point of despair. My father killed himself when I was 7 and it has been a painful road since discovering that. When I feel so terrible the thought crosses my mind, I think of the consequences for my daughters (I too had not intended them) and realize the last thing in the world I would want to do is put them through that.

The numb feeling, the hopelessness, the feeling of drowning is terrible. I'm sorry you're feeling so badly. It can be so overwhelming, but a brighter day will come and until then...many many hugs to you.

September 17, 2005
3:39 pm
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bonita1
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(((((((jammy-wife))))))))

exoticflower and I think alike!! That is exactly what I was going to say only she said it better I'm sure. And yes!!! Jammy-wife, everything is going to be all right!! It may not be what you expected, but it will all work out!! You'll be allright, too!!

love you, girlfriend (IAGW - in a good way LOL),

bonbon

September 18, 2005
12:02 am
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EJ
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Hi JW,

Everyone, EVERYONE, is conflicted about their children. I couldn't wait to have kids, but I developed panic disorder 6 months after my son was born. I just felt crushed under the responsibility on top of my marriage going to shit. I felt guilty that I finally had this baby I wanted so much and I wasn't enjoying him. Also, parenthood is a codependent's nightmare -- I felt like whatever happened in his life, if he was happy and successful, or a criminal who eventually went to hell - it was ALL MY FAULT!!!!!

Screw the house - you don't like it anyway! And I'll bet you're no worse parent than the rest of us - those with planned kids as well as those with 'surprises'. Be nice to yourself. We love you and the sun will shine again - I promise.

One other thing. God won't be mad if you run back to him, even tho you've been away. He expects it. That's what we all do. He'll welcome you with open arms.

Love ya,
EJ

September 18, 2005
11:32 pm
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InTheDesert
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I empathize, JW. This is my first post. My husband of 10 yrs just walked out. We have an 8 yo, 2 yo, and I'm 7 mos pregnant. I never wanted kids in the first place, but youth and stupidity found me pregnant right after the wedding. I've spent my whole marriage either supporting our family when he finished college or following his dreams and job prospects while taking care of the kids. I was a full scholarship student with my heart set on medical school, and now I feel like I never got MY turn. He kept promising that it would be my turn soon, then - SEE YA. I used to project my anger on my oldest child for "ruining" my life, but I know that it's been all me. I've made weak choices, and I haven't valued myself enough.

September 19, 2005
12:46 pm
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taj64
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HI JW, Im at sorry for your woes right now. You're going through a hard time right now. Please have faith that you will be ok. You don't feel well so take care of the flu. You're going to make it, just keep at it.

September 19, 2005
9:29 pm
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Anonymous
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hey JW -

my BF finally got around to moving in with me - after many struggles to make it happen - we worried night and day how to make the commute back to his home - 200 miles a day - more affordable - and to be able to afford the new bills, the truck payment, the insurance, the gas, the gas, the gas, the upkeep, and whatnot - and still allow him the freedom to continue to pursue his career goal of becoming a real estate agent. We even tried to figure out how to afford a commuter car.

not long after signing the lease, locking him into this rent - he had an accident and totalled his precious truck.

we struggled for weeks, trying to find a solution - he had no credit, he had no money, he had nobody to help him - I financed a car for him...stupid move...and now we are coping with fallout.

BUT - the silver lining -

the truck got totalled when gas was like 2.25 a gallon - he got 11 miles to the gallon, with a 200 mile per day commute - then it rose to over 3.25 - and he said if he still had the truck, he would be putting a rag in the gas tank and lighting the fucker on fire, precious or not.

you hate your house - so maybe losing it is not a bad option.

if you lose your house - you can downsize to something more affordable.

if you can find something smaller, and cozier - which will help make you happy - then perhaps the savings can afford you a housekeeper...or maybe quitting your high stress job for something simpler, even if it means a pay cut.

nobody says you have to stay at your high stress job just cuz you are good enough - why not a simpler, easier job??? I have not quit my current one cuz it IS easy - boring - but easy - it is what I make it - but it pays the bills. currently, my boss has been abusive, so I am looking - but in no rush - to leave.

you don't gotta do anything you don't wanna - and sometimes when we allow ourselves the luxury of PICKING the easy road in one area of our life - things look better all around.

look for the silver lining - you might not see it today - we didn't see it when he wrecked the precious truck - but as we sit here today - he is thankful and realizes he made a huge mistake getting it when he did and knows that next time - he will do it totally differently and won't get himself in a bad financial situation again.

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