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I need professional help
February 28, 2001
5:17 pm
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isabel
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I am a step-parent to two girls for the past 6 years. I have not been able to completely fall in love with them like they were my own, I have a child of my own and another with the father of the girls. I want to let myself love them like I do my own children, but I feel more resentful towards them, because they do have a mother, but she didn't want to raise them, she said she needed time for herself. So, I'm the Mom doing everything and getting no respect for it because they already have a Mother. They only see her everyother weekend. Am I being selfish, because I knew going into this that they would be my responsibility, but I didn't know it would be so difficult and hurt so much.

February 28, 2001
7:53 pm
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Cutie14
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I don't think that you are being selfish. I think that your problem is very common to a lot of step parents. I have a lot of friends whom have step parents, and the same problem pops up all the time. Don't worry about it, just keep trying, but don't let them think that they can control you,cause that is when it gets really bad I guess.
with love and hope for you,
Cutie14

February 28, 2001
8:39 pm
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janes
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I don't think you are being selfish either but I don't think you are being truly realistic about it either. Why are you resenting CHILDREN for the mistakes the ADULT in their life is making?

Like they had a choice in any of this?

Would they choose a resentful step mom over a real mom who doesn't really want them? When you were a kid what would you have chosen?

You don't need to be doing everything..
your husband...the girl's father should be helping out here too.

I don't think you should expect yourself to "completely fall in love" with these chldren. To me that expectation is way to high. There is a difference. And it sounds like both their parents are leaving YOU with ALL the true responsibility.

Be fair...be honest with your self..
You do need time for yourself...hubby should watch all 4 kids while you browse the amll BY YOURSELF...or just shop for groceries BY YOURSELF.

Don't be a martyr to these FOUR kids and blame only the two.

No one EVEr said you (or any of us moms) DESERVE respect. We have to earn it. You can earn by being fair, open minded, honest and taking time for yourself without feeling any guilt. You NEED time away from all four kids to be good to any of them. (in the long run)

Start now by rewarding yourself with an hour, two hours, even three away from the rest of the family. Make it your time and make it weekly. IT will set a good example for the children of caring for your self.

Kids are kids. they learn by example. Maybe the real mom seems like she is getting all the good stuff...but later when everyone is grown...wait and see who they come to as "mom". It'll be the person with the bandaids, who held their heads when they were sick, who listened when she wasn't in the mood and took time when there wasn't any time to spare.

Motherhood...whether you are mothering your own or someoneelse's kids is a big responsibility. We all need to remember that the kids here are not the culprits. They are the ultimate victimes. THEY are the ones being cheated.

You can make a difference in their lives as well as your own.

After 6 years you deserve some praise and if hubby isn't giving it tell him you NEED it.

Get that time away!!!!

Good luck.

March 1, 2001
2:36 pm
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isabel
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Thank you everyone for your comments, I talked to my husband last night and he agreed with me about alot of the issues. I guess I am expecting to much from myself about loving them completely, I just thought over time it would feel the same. I do have to try harder and the resentment part is more what I feel towards their Mother not them. I watched Oprah the other day with Dr. Phil, and he said don't ever let yourself feel anger or resentment towards children, when you are a parent you don't have that luxury of showing emotion. So when the girls call themselves Cinderella's when they are asked to do their chores I need to tell myself it's just a kid thing, they don't mean to hurt me, I'm just the one passing out the responsibilities.

Please keep your comments coming, I know their people out there with more important issues than mine, but these are mine and they are daily. It's really nice being able to get it out.

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