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I need help to make a decision - alcoholic fiance
September 24, 2008
11:22 pm
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Cici
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I posted here many years ago, and I've returned because I need help and I can no longer ask it of my family and friends, as this has been an ongoing issue and I am too ashamed to go to them, now.

I'll spare you the long story. Together 3.5 years. We have a 10 week old son. He promised to stop going out all night drinking when I was 9 months pregnant - I asked what was different this time, he said the baby is about to be born.

Welp, that lasted all of 6 weeks. Why am I surprised. Suddenly he thinks that he can drink "in moderation" - and so he goes out 1-2 times a week, comes home around 5am, sometimes later. He doesn't drink every night, though.

Up until now, he's been an otherwise good, attentive father. I do all night time parenting, as I am staying home with the baby.

Tonight, I think, I am at a crossroads. He called from his brother's house after work, said he was having a few beers and he would be home in an hour or so...I was not happy, I knew what was to come; we argued a bit.

I waited until 9:30pm, baby was cranky and crying, I needed a break, I'd been going since 6am. He was no longer at his brother's house, he was at a local hangout. Said he would be another 45 minutes, I broke down - baby screaming in the background.

I literally begged him to come home and help me, just give me 15 minutes to shower, something. He refused, and hung up the phone.

I called him back, and his phone was turned off.

I feel like he's not just hurting me anymore - now he's hurting our son, too. He'll drink all night, skip work tomorrow. Somehow, it'll all be my fault, I drive him to drink, you see. If I would get off his back, he wouldn't need to go out all night.

I want my son to grow up with a father in his home, not just part time.

But this man is killing the love I once had for him. I can't live like this, can I? Ca I learn to accept this?

Please help me. I don't want to leave, but I know he will never quit drinking. This man is 37 and has 1 failed marriage under his belt. I am 28.

September 24, 2008
11:37 pm
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marypoppins
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Cici,

You owe it to your son to break it off with this man. Go to a therapist and Alanon meetings for support. Rebuild your life.

Get your son and yourself out of this situation now!

Mary

September 25, 2008
5:10 am
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Cici
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I know I have to leave him. For some reason, when it was just me - it was OK for me to be treated like this. But I do not think it is OK for my son to be treated like this. I can't let him grow up feeling worthless because his father is not around when he needs him.

I feel so ashamed and stupid. I hate myself for having a child with this man. It was such a stupid, thoughtless mistake.

September 25, 2008
6:41 am
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newme66
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Your son is not a mistake! His father is. You need to leave him and let him drink himself to death or maybe a light will turn on and he will get help. That is his decsion and you can't force him to stop.

Pack up and get out or throw him out. There are resources to help you. I left my x husband w/ two children. As hard as it was I made it. Then 3 years later I met another alcoholic. We just broke up and now I am working on me. I go to therapy and alanon. It helps with some of the pain. I understand now why I attract these type of men.

You need to get yourself help, and maybe he will too. But you are the most important right now. You have a son that is counting on you!

Best of luck!

September 25, 2008
6:41 am
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autumn128
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Cici,

1-2 days a week will turn into more.

This man will always put the alcohol before you and your son. always.

Many people have posted here saying things like, "this is my last resort.", "I can't go to my family anymore."

Do you really think that one day someone is going to tell you something different other than what your friends and family already see?
The people that love you the most only want what's best for you. When we love someone, it's hard to hear the truth and see the reality.

You know that you deserve better, and so does your son. You may want to have a father in the home for your son, but this is not the kind of father that you want around your son.

You can't make him quit drinking. No matter what you do. Beg, plead, threaten, be nice, none of it will work. He is the one that has to want to quit!

You will waste a lot of time and energy trying to change him.

Think about your son and yourself. What is best for the both of you. It is not this man, and you know it.

Autumn

September 25, 2008
8:49 am
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CAMER
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hi Cici..i remember you posting back in the day.....I guess I can't add more to this, but yes, it's time to get rid of this man. If this is how it is now...think of down the road, it won't get any better.

(((sending you hugs)))) Camer

September 25, 2008
8:58 am
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pilot_tress
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CiCi, Forgive my forward words.

It truly brings me to my knees in tears that you feel this way about your beautiful creation, your son. Do NOT look at your tiny bundle as a replica of the ( less then ) man who fathered him. Even if you THINK you are keeping your thoughts to yourself, GUESS WHAT? He will see it in your eyes, your mannerisms, your body language. He WILL!!!

I was marred to an extremely abusive man for 24 years, and I have 5 children by this man. They are 5 of the most beautiful, loving, caring, highly intelligent and successful people one would like to meet. THEY are what was good about that union! THEY are! And so I can NEVER say I regret that marriage. The pain was great and humiliating, but it was worth it, as I have them.

PLEASE, CiCi, For your adorable gift that is the best part of YOU, change that part of your thinking, he WILL be the one to suffer the most if you don't!

September 25, 2008
9:22 am
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lostagain27
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Hi CiCi

reading your thread makes me think of my own story but I did not have a child with my X.

trust me when I say he will never change and you need to get out and save yourself and your son.

Please seek thearpy and go to ala non.

You can't keep hoping and wishing things will change b/c they will not.

I wish i could think of more advice to give.

(((CiCi)))

September 25, 2008
11:00 am
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fantas
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Thought you might relate to this. Basically you are dealing with the alcohol not the man. He is an alcoholic and that comes before you and his child. You have to decide if you want to be in this position. Have you considered attending Al anon?

What Addicts Do

My name's ----. I'm an addict/alcoholic. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decision to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.

September 25, 2008
12:54 pm
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sad about it
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CiCi--

Separating from this man is survival for you and the kind of parent you will be and the environment YOU provide.

It may be overwhelming for you to think about raising him on your own. You can do it! I did it and did it well and I am sure others will post their single parent successes as well.

Make a list of the negative influences his alcholic father will teach him. A couple to start the list: Disrespect; Lies; Abuse.

It is not easy, but the life you are living now is not easy with a bleak future for both of you.

You set your mind that you want all the good things in life for that baby and you provide them.

Bringing him up with an alcholic is not one of the good things in life.

You can do this reach out and leave him behind. (((CiCi)))

September 25, 2008
1:16 pm
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StronginHim77
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I am so sorry for you. You love an alcoholic. That is a dead-end road. Many of us on these threads have loved alcoholics/addicts. Some of us still do. But most of us have made the life-saving decision to leave them...grieve the loss...and focus on our OWN recovery. Focus on what attracted us to such toxic partners in the first place.

So, I encourage you to seek counseling/therapy for yourself. Join a local CODA group. They are free and offer support to recovering codependents. Join a local Al-Anon group. Again...free meetings and wonderful sources of support and encouragement for those with alcoholic loved ones.

I wish that I could give you a single, ray of hope that he is going to change or that having this baby will motivate him to change. Because I can't. If anything, having a child will INCREASE his desire to drink because he cannot handle the responsibilities of fatherhood. Heck...he can't even handle HIMSELF, responsibly!!

You referred to him in this thread title as your fiance. Has this deadbeat actually coughed up a diamond ring? I would be greatly surprised, if he did. Most of his surplus money is going to his local pub, not to a jewelry store. And most alcoholics are financial nightmares.

Are you afraid of single parenthood? Don't be. It is do-able. So many of us have survived it and have beautiful, happy, healthy children. This child is your blessing. Take him and RUN. Give him (and yourself) a better life. There is absolutely NOTHING you can do to change, sober up, clean up or "save" this man. He has to chose his own path. So do you.

In closing, let me just add that I have never met a woman who was glad that she chose to remain with a drunk, but I have met MANY women who were glad they had chosen to leave one.

- Ma Strong

September 27, 2008
12:57 pm
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salt4u
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Cici,
Take this baby as a blessing and let this baby allow you to leave and make a lucky escape from him. You haven't been with this man too long, you only have one child together, he is not married to you, thank God! Whatever you do please try not to marry him. You are young and beautiful. Give your baby and yourself a chance for happiness. Try to move in with a friend or relative that is not an addict. I wouldn't even let him know where you moved to until you have to, and file for child support. They can garnish his wages. He must work if he drinks. I am married to an addict. He takes his anger out on me. I am trying to make the best decision I can too. Try counseling and groups. I know babysitting is a problem. Don't leave you baby with him. Your baby is so little you can probably just bring him with you right now, but when he gets older it will be harder. I know.

September 27, 2008
3:07 pm
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AQueen
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You said you don't want your child to grow up without a father. Well your child would be better off without a father than having an alcoholic for a dad. Even if he never drinks around the child his alcoholic behaviors of blaming others, not keeping his word, storming out, etc will affect the child. How do I know? I grew up in a home with a very caring but codependent mother and a alcoholic father. He provided for us financially but he wasn't there emotionally at all. He interacts with me and my brother as small children but once we got old enough to feel the tension in the house he stopped interacting with us for the most part. Even when he would go through a dry spell for a couple years life was still hell because we always felt we had to walk on eggshells around him.

My mother finally divorced him when I was around 17 and my brother was 11 but by then the damage was done. My mother still feels guilt to this day about not leaving him sooner. He never hit my mother, they didn't get into screaming matches, nothing like that. He was just an asshole. The world revolved around him. He would blame my mother for making him drink. He would work and go to the bar and then call from the bar asking what she cooked for dinner and then he would never show up to eat it because he was too busy drinking. She was a stay at home mom until right before the divorce when she went back to school because she knew she had to get an education to provide for herself.

Your child will suffer because of his drinking. He is married to the bottle and the sooner you realize that the better. Children don't fix things, having a baby doesn't make a already messed up relationship suddenly better. He is not ready to stop drinking. He is still trying to find ways to make it work. He is trying to figure out how to still drink but not suffer the negative consequences hence the whole "I can drink in moderation" thing. He can't control his drinking now and he won't be able to tomorrow either. His drinking is out of control. He is powerless over the substance and until he decides enough is enough and seeks help and follow up with that help and works a honest program of recovery his chances of real recovery are nonexistent.

There is a HUGE difference between being a dry drunk and recovery. A dry drunk is someone who is no longer drinking but isn't working a program of recovery. They still have all the behaviors that they had when drinking, the only thing that changed is they aren't getting drunk anymore. They aren't a pleasure to be around for the most part after the newness of being clean wears off. It's always happy happy in the beginning but once you settle into life on a daily basis, without recovery the alcoholic is pretty unhappy.

Recovery is where you put your effort into learning a new way to live without numbing out with alcohol. You learn new coping skills, you become accountable, you take responsibility for your behavior, you make changes to not repeat the same patterns again and again. You learn to life life without mind altering substances and still be happy, in fact when working a honest program you find you are happier sober than you ever were drinking.

I grew up and go into drugs and was addicted for several years. My brother is now an alcoholic just like my father. We both have had relationship issues and sought out people that were either addicted to drugs or alcohol like my dad or we end up with enablers like my mother. Children learn what they see on a daily basis. It's just that simple. I've been clean now for two years. I had a little boy of my own and I left his father when he was only 4 1/2 months old because I refused to raise my child in the same environment I grew up in--an environment of alcohol or drug abuse. My dad didn't use drugs but he was a drinker and it left deep scars on my psyche that I'm still dealing with years later at age.

When my son's father continued to use drugs I said enough and ended it for good. Once you become a mother you have to put your child's welfare first and foremost above all else. If I wanted to stay with a man that wouldn't take responsibility for his addiction, was a jerk, etc when I didn't have a child that was my choice but once I had a little one I had to but his welfare for first. It was hard in the beginning. See once I got sober I turned into a codependent enabler and it was hard to pull away and let him live his life. I wanted to rescue him but I didn't. I had already been down that road before and enabling NEVER helps the alcoholic or addict get better. NEVER. It only enables them to keep drinking or drugging.

I sought out professional help and learned how unhealthy our relationship was. I learned how manipulative he was and how many red flags there were when we first met. Now a year and a half later I have a wonderful boyfriend who treats me with love and affection. He's a real man. He doesn't drug or drink. He is so caring, thoughtful, affectionate, compassionate, he's smart, educated, successful, independent, he's emotionally healthy, he's a great guy and I love him. I would have never ended up with such a great guy had I not got the help I desperately needed.

Please put your little one first. This guy needs professional help and he has to want it for himself. He has to want to be sober more than anything else for it to work. Getting sober for others always fails in the end. The addict or alcoholic only stops using or drinking once the pain of using alcohol or drugs exceeds the pain of not using. That means they must hit their own bottom. They stop when they have had enough and are ready to do the hard work it takes to stay clean. Alcoholic and addicts always say they are going to quit, but talk is cheap. You can't go on what they say because their words are meaningless. You must base all decisions on actions. Show me you are done by seeking help, nothing less will suffice.

You have a child's future happiness at stake here, he is a grown man and he can take care of himself. The child cannot. You are the childs advocate. Growing up in an alcoholic home is devastating to a child's self esteem. I remember being so embarrassed and crying to my mother to leave him. My dad wasn't violent or anything like that. He was a selfish, bitter, grumpy man.

AQueen

September 28, 2008
7:57 am
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helpplease
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AQueen, you described my childhood, and adulthood, perfectly. Some differences are that my mother still thinks there was something she could have done to fix my dad and her marriage. And that I still have not been able to find a man such as the one you describe you are with right now. I recognize myself and my family members in everything you describe. And Cici, she is right. I think you know it. The hard part is that leaving is not easy. You are conditioned to the drama, to blaming yourself, to the tension and the ickyness and somehow that makes it harder to leave. I agree that you should leave, that you should get help and that you should do it soon. For you and your son and the many future generations ahead. lots of love, hp

September 28, 2008
9:50 am
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StronginHim77
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Cici -

Are you okay? Please keep posting. We are all here for you.

- Ma Strong

September 28, 2008
3:02 pm
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atalose
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Cici,

As soon as you become honest with yourself, your family and friends genuine support will surround you and help you through this.

Your family and friends see what your heart is not allowing you to accept.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease it does become worse. Did alcohol play a part in his first marriage ending? You need to seriously ask yourself this.

You and your child have a chance for real peace and happiness in life it’s just not going to be with who you imagined it would be.

If you truly can’t understand why you need to leave this man then I strongly suggest you get into al-anon and learn as much as you can about addiction.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

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