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I need help not to call!!!
December 18, 2001
12:02 pm
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Molly
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So, what is it about this guy, great sex, clean, religious, spiritual, healthy, that makes him unavailable to you as a potential partner? why would you take the shit on him before he shits on you attitude? Why wouldn't you language an intention of going for more than the physical release, and request from him, what you really want ?

December 18, 2001
1:22 pm
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lyn
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hi guys sorry i have been mia for a while i have not even gotten a chance to read through the thread since the 14th so i guess i have a lot of catching up to do... i have a x-mas office party to attend so i'll catch you guys up quickly...
It has now been 11 days since i last talked to the scum bag...I feel GREAT as i said b4 maybe it's the welbutrin but i haven't felt this good in a long time... He called me once i didn't answer he e-mailed me this morning but i refuse to e-mail back.. my strenghth is slowly coming back..
Thank you guys so much for the support... there's no guarantees but atleast i see some light at the end of my tunnel for a change...

I'll write more later after i catch up on this thread you guys have been mighty busy it looks like a debate...

December 18, 2001
2:14 pm
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mari
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lyn, Way to go girl! You hang in there. You're doing fine. Keep your guard up and DON'T contact him. You will be amazed at how strong you really are.

December 18, 2001
2:31 pm
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artist 2
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Cool Lyn! Feeling stronger every day.....

Molly, I don't really know why he isn't available to me... he's been wanting to be with me. We were together once but both got confused and scared and then split.

I don't really want to shit on him, just really want to protect my heart. It's all about fear and people know what I'm talking about...

Request an intention from him?I'm afraid he'll interpret that as a request for committment - which it wouldn't be. Asking for more than the physical release would sound like I want a relationship... and I'm not sure that's what I want. maybe what I want is a partner, just a person to be there and give me love and affection, but not hold any expectations...and take from me love and affection, and live without expectations from me... Does this make sense?

How does one communicate that?

December 19, 2001
2:42 pm
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lyn
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ok guys,
I don't even know where to begin. Artist 2 you have a lot of stuff on your plate right now. I think and i could be wrong but maybe you need to start making some decisions... believe me i know how hard it is to put things in perspective, but maybe if you decide where you want to go with your relationship it may help to clarify the other issues including expectations, etc. Remember as everyone has said to me in this thread you have to love you and take care of you before anyone else.

jb489 (michelle),
sorry i haven't written i have been mondo busy the past week at work..I will definately e-mail you once i get a free moment to think. i apologize thanks for your support i hope things are going well for you.

joanne1: No i did not live with my ex-boyfriend but everything you said was him to a tea about your ex. My ex would constantly tell me he doesn't want anyone to answer to as well. He also never paid for anything and certainly never offered to give me money or anything. i would also call and make sure he was up in the morning for work or make sure he wrote his resume's correctly when he was applying for jobs..I even researched schools he could go to... i ask myself now FOR WHAT. would they do this for us...I think not.. they could care less. Use what you're taught here it sounds to me like you're a very strong person... for one to put up with his sh&(^ you must be.. Don't ever let him make you think otherwise. 21 days.. i'm at 12 and i feel good. These men are an addiction that's right just like drugs and alcohol you have to go through DETOX and that sux but honestly can it get any worse than where you are now..I don't think so... please try if i can anyone can...

mari: Wow what an inspiration 21 days to 3 mths. i can't wait till i'm there...I really admire your strength and i agree that being alone has to be better than being treated the way i was treated by the ex. In general these guys are losers and i honestly believe they were lucky to have us in their lives for as long as we were...I am trying to look at myself as a gift and the person who gets me needs to be worthy, no more settling for trash i deserve better and so do you..

Everyone:
Everyday i wake up i feel that much better..I can't tell you what will happen on day 13 or even day 20 but i can tell you on day 12 i feel secure and one more day with this feeling is one more day of sanity for once.

December 19, 2001
3:33 pm
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artist 2
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Hi Lyn,

Thanks for the input. You know where I'd like it to go with my friend? Just where it is... but more every day and never to end. Allow me to daydream for a minute: We continue to go out as friends and stay at each other's homes as lovers. He continues to strengthen me and care for me, I continue to take care of him. I continue to shelter my poor little heart, because it keeps wanting to come out and jump into his hands. he continues to feel safer and safer with me, knowing that I'm taking care of me and my own needs. He continues to open up more and become more relaxed. We go on this way for a long time, when we finally decide we could both use such a good friend for each other and decide to make that intention. Notice I mention nothing about falling in love - which we did in the beginning - it scared us both. Just taking it easy is about the best i can offer right now... and I think he's not asking for anything anyway, other than company, physical affection, someone to talk to, and rely on. I can do that!

December 20, 2001
11:39 am
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Molly
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As long as your main focus is on you, and not a fantasy, no expectations, it just might be possible. Women have a hard time with that though, as you indicated. Stay present in the moment, and you should be ok.

December 20, 2001
11:57 am
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artist 2
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YES I'VE FINALLY LEARNED IT.. after so many years. Clear vision and reality and getting a grip on it feels so much better than the immediate thrill of falling in love... Am I just getting older? Heh...

December 20, 2001
1:51 pm
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strengthcourageandwisdom
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Artist2 -OLDER IS GOOD (it is better than the alternative)
Wiser is even better
I think that is what we are all doing for each other.
Trying to help get to the SCW.
Lyn, you are my hero, everytime someone uses there own convictions, to do good for themselves no matter how small, I KNOW that I can, We all can.
Mistakes , and setbacks are not remembered as well, when you keep piling success, on top of success on them.
Lyn , you may also,(even while you are feeling the euphoria of loving yourself), start to wonder how could you have been so wrong, and start to doubt that you can stay strong , PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THAT CURTAIN (remember the OZ) , trust yourself again.If you fall, get right back up, and trust yourself again.
I think,one of the worst things that can happen is when we have had failed relationship, even if we have the sense to call it off, is we question our decision constantly. That questioning really wears on your feelings of competency. Eventually you are still a snivelling mass of self-doubt even though you have ended the relationship.

December 20, 2001
4:34 pm
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lyn
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strengthcouragewisdom,
I did have my moment of doubt yep today on the 13th day...i actually thought about calling him and then i remembered that i worked really hard to get to where i am right now and i'm not willing to give that up for a quick fix.. Yes it's setting in I do miss him there's some times in the day that i think about him and the holidays yikes.... but i think i can do this so day 13 accomplished...

December 20, 2001
5:34 pm
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toffee
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God do i understand, only i MARRIED the man. It is so much harder for me having three chidrent o consider.
I had the cops remove him last week and he of course turned ont he charm with them and hissed at me that i wouldnt see a cent and i woudl lose my home (cause of all the debt and my cards maxed cause he didint work for a yr) I took him back after this, and its been a week and i just ofund out today that all my software for my business is missing. Where did i find it, in his half unpacked suitcase.
I almost vomited, iknow he threatens and says bad things but i think he would really screw me if we split for good. I dont think he gives a shit, i think i have been fooling myself for ten fucking years.
How could any one do this to their loves ones. That software was my livelihood and he took the lap top and left me with the shitty computer. He also took the digital camera..
I need all for my business, i am so angry at him the fuckinb astard.
WE dont have enough money for xmas so i maxed my visa and then i found out our morgage payment bounced cause he just isnt making enough money but he wants to spend this months pay check on a new computer and is angry at ME cause he says i should be managing hte money. WEll, there isnt any to manage, the only managing im doing is getting myself in debt so we can live.
I have so much interest from other men who want to help, i have confided in two about my situation, and they are dolls - rich, handsome, what the fuck am i doing with this creep.
The only positive is he is the father of my children and i dont want him to screw me with custody and such.

HELP!!!

December 20, 2001
6:16 pm
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Molly
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Toffee, some times you just have to say enough, and start over. This sure doesn't sound good. The credit you can clean up, your soul, well if there is any left, it takes a long time. The kids don't need this emotional hell in your life, your not really there when your engaged in this crap, and neither is he. They are hostages of two people that created them, and can't get it together. Beware the good looking men that offer gifts, just use your head for that. I would consult an attourney regarding the potential custody, mortgage, and credit card debt. Depending on where you live, you can sell the house cover the debt, and bk. A hell of a lot easier than dealing with some one who is constantly acting out. How the heck can you work with all this drama? Become a survivor, this is war, go for what you need, he is not thinking about your welfare, why are you considering his ? Just why can't he get a job? A whole year, sounds like he is either really stuck mentally, or really taking advantage of you. So, fight for peace, your peace. If you love him and want it to work, then make some friggin demands, starting with his employment, then therapy, don't join in the dance any more.

December 21, 2001
9:38 am
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lyn
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nice advice molly, I second that...

December 21, 2001
3:50 pm
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strengthcourageandwisdom
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Hey Toffee,
You are going to a place I have been to. Right now I hear your rage. You are about to be very angry, for a very long time , and if you stay there and don't fix that , you are then
going to be very ill, with all that repressed anger.
Why because, You are being CONTROLLED, by the oldest trick in the book, CONTROL the money , control the woman,.
TAKE back control of your business, You sound smart enough to run a business, so ACT LIKE IT. Do whatever you have to do , be ruthless , this is your livelihood, and your children, DOESN"T sound like he is going to be in position (not that he wants to) support the kids. You have already been doing it anyway. So if your business goes belly -up who is going feed your babies. Be SMART, today, close accounts, open new ones (your name only), find a safe place for anything valuable to your business. On this I have to say ACT LIKE MAN, they don't play games when it comes to THE $$$$.
Toffee,
I'm not going to speak on , the other men , right now, because you have some other stuff to take care of.
But everntually, you need to get to the bottom of why you are even looking for another man , right now. (ITS THE LAST THING YOU NEED, WHILE YOUR VISION IS SO CLOUDY).
Take care of YOUR BABIES, by taking care of your self.
SCW

December 21, 2001
4:45 pm
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toffee
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Oh man, you guys are right, ive been so blind. I thought he loved me but he is covertly controlling me. HE wants to see me lose my home, my credit and my business. I am sooo angry i feel physically ill. I cant believe i let someone take such control of me and my life. I became ill htis year and he shouted at me to clean, take care of kids nad my business although i literally could not walk. My back had given out as well as my adrenaline glands from all the stress.
He has a job now and gives me the pay checks but its only fifty percent of what we need to live on and he gets angry if we dont have enough money to pay bills...at ME! I am making up the differnce with my credit.
I am going to take care of my babies and myself BIG FUCKING TIME AND I SWEAR AS GOD IS MY WITNESS I WILL NEVER LET ANY MAN TREAT ME LIKE THIS AGAIN!
I am looking for intimacy, i want support and love, god this is hard and at xmas too.:(

December 21, 2001
4:54 pm
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Molly
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Well this the time to get over it, be strong, be firm, cover your self financially, and do what you need to do, your credit can be repaired easily, your soul is so much more harder. Your never going to trust again, your always going to be waiting for the what next. Pull your self to gether, and remember its war when it comes to money, don't go soft, and think ahhhhh he will, because he most likely won't.

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