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I need help not to call!!!
November 26, 2001
6:35 pm
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deshong
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Hey Lyn,

I'm there with you. Thing about the healthy relationship that you would want to have with a normal ADULT man in your life. I am 29 and learning. Just thank God you did not decide to marry the nut!! I was engaged to a bum several years ago and I thank God constantly from delivering me from almost making the biggest mistake of my life!!

Make the decision here and now whether or not you think you deserve the best or not. It does not matter how many times we try to tell you. You must start to believe it for you. People will usually treat you the way you treat and view yourself!!! You can do it. This is a great start. Be encouraged, we are here for you!!

November 27, 2001
1:53 pm
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lyn
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6 days and counting since i have last spoken to him i have to make it till atleast next week... Baby steps...i'll get there...

November 27, 2001
2:05 pm
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Molly
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One day at a time, 6 down, and only 15 to go, that is all it takes to kill a bad habit, so what else are you doing?

November 27, 2001
2:31 pm
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lyn
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i am hitting the gym like a mad woman... going to therapy faithfully and chit chating with the friends more often... i'm trying to avoid sleeping a lot because i'll just fall back into depression... so just trying to stay busy molly... thanks for asking... i think about him often but i'm fighting those urges and just trying to stay busy.. i also have been reading a lot mostly on codependency and ways to revamp my thinking... hopefully it will all pay off.

November 27, 2001
5:46 pm
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Molly
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Yea, you do need your sleep. I swear, yoga, is the greatest for getting the shit out of your system, but the rest is good to. Why don't you make a new goal, like Paris in the spring or something, plan dream, research, get those girl friends involved. Just don't look back.

November 28, 2001
3:08 am
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jb489
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Lyn,
I think you're doing a great job. Hang tough-Blondie is right, it will kill him for you not to give in to his seductions and bull. Show him you're not the one who is a mess and that by him trying to get your attention just proves that he is and always has been the one a mess.
About the zoloft-right now you need the help to make you think clearly or clearer and strengthen yourself-My Dr. switched me to Celexa and boy do I feel 100 times better. I have been so focused and the urges to call and wondering if he cares really have subsided. I have been able to be a mommy again and work is wonderful. I still have my moments but not as much-Molly is right make your goal 21 days and you're home free. It's not worth it in the long run to let someone get the best of you-YOU need to get the best of YOU. You'll get angry trust me and the only reason you'll want to sleep is to rejuvinate for the next glorious day. Have fun, redecorate, have a party don't rush things-you need to grieve but don't you don't need to stop living-once you do that and he sees it he won. You're better than him stay that way. Best of luck and hang tough-How's that salad coming?--Michele

November 29, 2001
3:30 pm
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lyn
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thanks girls,
but like an idiot i gave in yesterday ofcourse i regret it ofcourse he was mean.. I found out he's working at a bar so I asked him is it a young crowd is it fun etc. any normal questions any one would ask.. he said "f U you know what i'm on the phone with you for 2 min. and you're already asking me tons of ques. mind you i don't ask jealousy ques. I know people that do that i ask ques. because i'm genuinely interested... i should have known better he hung up on me obviously like the weakling that i am i called him back...we talked it out... but not after fighting with him periodically during the day... He wants to see me but obviously not out in public (god forbid he takes me out) he wants me to come over his house... I want to so bad but i know he only wants sex...
do i believe he misses me??? absolutely...but i know this is wrong.... he told me that everything's my fault that i'm depressed all the time and that all i do is cry.. but the sad thing is, is the only thing that makes me cry is him...I SWEAR.. i am the happiest most confident person when i'm out with my friends..my girlfriend sent him an e-mail once when she couldn't take how he was treating me and told him he doesn't even know the real me.. she told him that ican't be myself with him and he limits me..(mind you he was not happy with that e-mail and i had no idea she was sending it, till he called yelling),
I hate this ....i love him sooo much..i want to see him so bad but he makes me feel like shi*...I am not crazy, or sad or depressed all the time... he also said that he lied he told me he can't be in a relationship but he said over the past week he realized he could be in one just not with me... that hurt soooo bad...
then he tells me he loves me i'm so confused... he needs to take anger management classes..he told me he's had normal relationship's where he doesn't yell at his girlfriends but with me it's different he said he has to yell at me because i always do something wrong... ugh!!!! so confused..

November 29, 2001
3:41 pm
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artist 2
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Man... WHY do you invite this pain into your life? Sounds like you have a great deal going for you. WHY are you insisting in keeping this mess part of it?

November 29, 2001
4:06 pm
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Ladeska
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Lyn....really not sure why you're confused here. It's as plain as the nose on your face what's up. You agree with the way he treats you, or you wouldn't be in this relationship - one more second. Nothing to be confused about. He treats you like shit and you allow it. So, either you like it or you feel like you deserve it or both. There is no other answer. You know it's crap, or you wouldn't be here. But none of us are going to tell you to stay and take it....you do know that, right? So, why are you laboring over anything? And you can't love someone who treats you like this. There's nothing to love. You need the pain in your life - that's what's really obvious and you'll do just about anything to make sure it stays put. You've got quite the predicament. And the predicament is - your own integrity. You're not being honest here with yourself or with us.

This guy is an asshole and you know it. So, why are you really....taking this abuse? Some people like drama and so I ask you - are you one of them? You say you are confident and happy otherwise. I don't buy that. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see how much this person messes with your head and your heart. So, when do you have time to be happy and confident. I sure don't see signs of that here..... From what you write, you'd just about do anything to get another portion of pain on your plate from him. And forget the anger management classes. He's old enough to change his own diaper, don't you think? And what kind of brownie points do you yourself get by being the one that prompts him all the time to "be a good little boy" - when in all reality - he's not a good person at all. He's a charmer and a con artist and I wondering why - you approve of all that? Because "that's who he really is" - not the picture you keep trying to squint and imagine that he could become.... That's not "what is". So, what gives here?

You need to come to the table with honesty - with yourself. Screw us - you don't have to impress us with anything and certainly don't have to answer to us about anything, but I'm writing so harshly to you and straight up to you because I wish someone had shaken my tree a few times in the past like this.

WE WASTE SO MUCH OF OUR LIVES....going round and round vicious circles like this with people that are sooooo undeserving of all this love and attention from us. He's not a beaten up little puppy on the side of the road that you can take home and nurse to health and he'll love you for it. He's a player and he will resent you - for allowing him to play you. That's the brutal truth. And if you don't accept it now - you will later but a whole lot of your heart will be missing when you do.....

I realize this writing from me will probably anger you and to be quite honest - I hope it does because that means that MAYBE something is moving in you and that this thick shell of denial has a chance....of coming off of you so that you can see what you are really doing here. So rage at me if you want to. But, no one needs to be standing in your sted, writing him an email or telling him off - but you.... You are the one that needs to do that. And if you can't muster up enough self respect and honesty to want to do that for yourself - then you will be stuck in this vicious cycle until.....he is through with you and that will be coming along shortly because it is really obvious to me - he doesn't respect you because - you fell for his game. They never do respect you after that. He will treat you worse and worse and worse and finally kick you to the curb. So, you can love him all you want to. But loving him means what? That you love someone who is brutal to you? What is that about? Tis the question and you need to find out the answer and stop examining your navel about how you keep this jerk in your life.

You have invited him to act the way he does because it validates how "you really feel about yourself". You need your fix of that from him because what you have believed about your worthiness is a lie - so lies have to have their "fixes" in the form of his validation. If you don't feed lies - then they disappear and the truth emerges. But, you're not ready for that, are you? So, if you don't get validation that you deserve this kind of treatment from him or someone else - then you start to panic inside because deep down - you do know it's a lie but you have to keep feeding the hungry little monster, the illicit belief system. Otherwise, you might have to do some honest to goodness work on yourself and be responsible for your own wellbeing here. What he does - is about "you allowing it and inviting it". That's what it's about. If it wasn't him - you'd find someone else to validate what you have said is okay to believe about yourself.

If you want to hash this out with me, even if you are angry because what I've written - I'm here and I will go toe to toe with you and won't jump out of the ring, no matter what. So - talk to me.....

November 29, 2001
4:18 pm
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artist 2
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I reiterate... DON'T SEE HIM. Hey, if you see him, he'll treat you like shit. My boyfriend kept telling me he wanted to see me, be with me, but each time he would treat ME like crap... I LOVED him so much, that I didn't even realize this. Just gather up your dignity, and leave him behind in your cloud of dust, sweetie...

November 29, 2001
4:29 pm
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artist 2
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I'm serious... If you ARE a drama addict (lot's of people are) - I suggest you take up boxing or sky diving. Don't let another human being fill the need for something daring in your life. It will shape your self-image and that will take a long time to repair.Try something else, darlin.

November 29, 2001
4:33 pm
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artist 2
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I'm reading your last post again. I'M GETTING REALLY PISSED.

The best way to deal with him is show him what a loss he has. Don't ask for him to abuse you any more. You are worth so much more. So much.

Leave him alone. You'll probably enounter him again, but when you do it will be by coincidence and he will see that you are so much more healthy and happier not having been in contact with him.

November 29, 2001
4:45 pm
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lyn
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guys,

i seriously feel like crap right now..my self esteem is shot...i feel like i'm no one without him... Ladeska thanks for the blunt honesty you're right... i have this dynamic that i think i can change everyone because my mom was neglectful of me growing up and the only attention i got was negative so i look for that characteristic in men to try and change them because in actuality i wanted to change my mom..My mom passed away a few yrs. ago so now i can't keep trying with her so I look for unhealthy negative guys...I also hate loosing anyone because she died..I see breakups as death and i dont' know how to let go and finally say goodbye...artist2 thank you for the support... I don't want to disappoint any especially not myself, but ladeska you're right i feed off this crap, if he wants me then i feel needed even if it's in a negative way.. sooo sick (i know)...

November 29, 2001
5:23 pm
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OK - go ahead. We can't stop you. I will tell you I'm the same way about mom not loving, mom dying, and my reworking it over and over on guys WHO ARE NOT WORTHY. Sure, I'm fixing this mess of a guy, this piece of crap. Sure, it makes me feel useful. Sure, I'm a warrior, a knight in shining armour. HOORAY. When i didn't let him go, I got punched in the face.

November 29, 2001
5:25 pm
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lyn
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i will not allow this i can't...I need to stop this disgusting behavior...i'm sick of the back and forth... when will it get easier..only when i let go i guess...but what if he finds someone else?? that would kill me and he is very capable of punching me in the face as well... i don't want that i'm sorry you went through that artist2...

November 29, 2001
6:03 pm
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Ladeska
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I dunno here....you seem to have everything worked out in your head about what's right and wrong here. But, "by your actions of allowing things and having allowed them in the past" you are agreeing with - his behavior. So, not sure there really is a problem here. You say you don't like it, you want to stop it, but then you say words like - if he found anyone else it would just kill me, etc., etc. And "those words" just completely wiped out the other ones.

You will stay and get more abuse. I can see that now. So, I wish you well and by me saying that what I wish is - it won't take you 20 years to wake up. But, in my older years I've come to learn something about people.....they say alot of things they really don't mean at all. Because what people "DO" is what "they mean". So, all the words here that you can type out about how you don't like this and that from him - don't really mean anything sweetheart - if you go right back to your vomit and to his. So, the only one that ends up being fooled in the end - is you.

We stop the cycle - by stopping it and you do that by kinda putting your foot into the spinning and sort of stopping it....you slam your foot down good in the dirt and you STOP IT! You don't have to understand why you do what you do, or why he does what he does, or why or how the universe does what it does in order to stop something that is extremely unhealthy to you. It's really simple - you see it as being unhealthy and you move away from it like the freaking plague.

But, for now......you don't see it that way and I know that. You're going to play with fire some more, huh?

November 29, 2001
6:06 pm
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Ladeska
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Typo....

We stop the cycle - by stopping it and you do that by kinda putting your foot into the spinning and sort of stopping it..

meant to say

We stop the cycle - by stopping it and you DON'T do that by kinda putting your foot ino the spinning and sort of stopping it..

November 29, 2001
9:24 pm
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Molly
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Your self esteem will grow by leaps and bounds if you do what we suggest.
it takes effort, suffer through the with drawls, and hell honey it ain't love you feel its addiction. You think the heroin addict loves heroin, not a bit, they need the fix, and that is where you are. he is going to use you, you are going to get a fix, and get sick all over again. Pleezzzzzzzzze look at this like your a junkie, you do have it right in your head, with the mom thing, and the charasimatic guys, so get over it, and now is as good as time as any. You know if we could Ladeska, Artist, Lyn, and my self would come over to your place and sit on you, pick up the phone when it rings and say what he needs to hear. You need a good smack alright, but not from him, damn, damn damn, go to the movies, go to a bar, just don't go see him.

November 29, 2001
11:57 pm
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Ladeska
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.....then again, I hate like hell to say it and you ladies will know this is true - it's all about timing...we stand so dumbfounded at the door of all "reason" how many times until this magical little lightbulb comes on "as if" for the very first time ever on planet earth and we are sooo amazed at it's revelation when it appears.....some odd 30 years down the road when our boobs are shagging, our hair is gray under the dye job and we think we remember where we were yesterday and how to get back there so we can find our car....but...

thus is the journey for each of us. I don't get as frustrated as I used to when I think on these things because I do think people shelf things in their memory like books they just lay up there somewhere, time goes on, they collect dust and then one day - it all makes sense and the pages jump to life.

This may not be the time in her life for such realization. Unfortunately, life has to teach....some of us learn and some of us don't. But, for those who do - our timing is not always "their timing". Seldom is this true actually. So, all I have to say is - I hope you print these words out, stick them somewhere, think about them from time to time and when everything lines up just right - hopefully you'll opt for change that is good for you. I have no judgement for you....I really don't. I've made my share of mistakes in life and I guess my zeal is because - I don't wish it for you...but, how else will you learn I guess....

Whatever you do - do it realizing that we are resiliant as human beings and that if we must suffer - it needs to be for a very worthy cause, otherwise we have given the keys to our very life to what would take it with no regard or conscience whatsoever. That choice, as always, is ultimately yours to make and make it - you will.

November 30, 2001
9:24 am
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Lyn, thanks for saying that. That may just what i takes for you too... I love desperately, and cannot back off most times. My ex was not fixable, and each day that passed and I tried, he probably felt even more "broken". It was if if my presence was a constant reminder of it. I think people of like upbringings and like minds should be together, and not people who are fairly well with people who are really messed up. Or vice versa: people who are screwed up be with people who are messed up.

November 30, 2001
9:27 am
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lyn
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i know you guys are right for example he said he'd try to call me last night he obviously did not... i think the first thing i need to work on is my addiction the minute he lets me back in his life i harrass him i call him non-stop and i become a pain...that does not excuse the way he treats me but it gives me something to work on and the next step would be to let go completely i hope...

November 30, 2001
9:50 am
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Right now I'm hoping to find contentment on the jogging track... flat, plain, and non demanding.

November 30, 2001
10:10 am
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Is it an ego trip of some kind? As if our love can fix anything? Yes, I do want stability... I k now that's what MOM would tell me. Yet, there's no feeling in that. Is there a hard heart, a closed off heart, a fearful one, that makes us seek the pain and excitement? DOES IT MAKE US FEEL MORE ALIVE SOMEHOW?

November 30, 2001
10:39 am
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Ladeska
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I think it probably hinges on - what kind of pattern got established in the first place - when you were growing up that had to do with - acceptance, support, unconditional love, communication. We repeat - what we learned there. I think alot of people stick themselves with the sharp knife of pain so that they feel alive. Makes them feel "something". Our pain receptors will go off - when the other ones - don't/won't. That's just part of our survival. If we've walled off the other emotions that have to do with our voluntary vulnerability - then the only one left is the emotions that goes off when pain is induced. You can't stop those as easy - they just happen.

People are adrenaline junkies sometimes, too. They live for it, have to have it. Don't know how to live - without it. And, we can look at that and go - okay, so that's the way I am, the way it is and that's that. Not so. You can re-program, but it takes hard work. It takes understanding how you got there, becoming educated and wanting to learning the road out of that pattern.

That little girl mentality of going back and pestering the heck out of someone who is obviously undeserving, as you mentioned Lyn - is just that - a little girl who hasn't grown up yet and hasn't realized that while she may function in the adult world just fine in other ways - in this way - she's back wanting the approval of probably a parental figure that wasn't there and who was probably not the ideal picture of a parent anyway...thus the reason for our screwed up choices in men. We play this out and try to fix it - with a child's mentality and then our adult self goes - what the heck am I doing here?

But, at some point, you are responsible for what's up here and responsible to you - for your safety, wellbeing and responsible to put yourself on the path of learning how to be a parent - to yourself.

Anything else that you do - is just whining, doing little more than existing and willingly putting yourself in front of the oncoming truck. There's no honor in that. There is no courage in that. There is however, alot of laziness and a person who is basically saying to the person that is bad to them - "I am like you." In all reality - you are like them - if you stay in it and ask for this behavior by continuing on this path....consequently, you will become - just like them.

So, the choice is yours, as I keep saying. It has presented itself before you and there is no excuse for you to say - you don't have the strength or anything else that it takes because you obviously have the strength and the whatever - to stay in the pain and endure the cycle. Trust me - it takes less of all that - to walk the new path.

Adrenanline and pain junkies - can be cured but 99% of that is - you wanting to be cured.

December 5, 2001
5:08 pm
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lyn
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Well hello everyone, couple of days no chat... well obviously i chose the wrong route.. the scum bag and i got back together or so i thought only to find out he didn't want it and broke up with me he said he was afraid nothing has changed and he doesn't want this right now..but ofcourse he'll give me mixed signals...
so let's try this again i have to go through the whole seperation process again...last time i made it 6 days this time lets try to double that and then see where i'm at... baby steps.. it's official i have an addiction he is like a drug for me and i can't get enough of the abuse the arguments everything...even if he's yelling at me atleast he's there..ugh... i know you guys are sick of hearing this...but i really want to try and make it past my 6 day mark... it hurts inside already but i don't want to crack... he doesn't deserve me...i give him everything...i really want to stay away this time...you guys were right i regret going back but part of me felt releaved i got to see him again and all was well (or so i made up in my mind)but that's over now i need to come back to reality he's an abusive mean degrading a-hole...

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