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I need help not to call!!!
November 19, 2001
5:01 pm
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lyn
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My boyfriend and I are officially over but i overwhelmingly have this urge to call him all the time at work, at home you name it i think about it. Please give me some pointers anyone on how not to call...He was very abusive and sometimes i feel i need to call him even if he's verbally abusing me just to know he's there... Help!! I don't want to take 2 steps back..

November 19, 2001
5:48 pm
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Ladeska
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Unplug your phone and take it to someone else's house until you get over the compulsive need the next few days.

November 19, 2001
6:11 pm
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Molly
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And don't even think of going to a pay phone. Instead of calling him, why don't you do some research into abusive relationships. Dr Irene's site, or healthy places. com has some insight. Look at some of the old threads, charmer manipulator, narcissist etc. This to shall pass, and if you don't want to take those steps back, don't call.

November 19, 2001
6:31 pm
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Ladeska
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Wicked salad idea...very, very wicked....(smile)

November 19, 2001
7:32 pm
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ms. T
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You need to examine why it's important to you to know he's there. Have you come to a point in your life when you will settle for bad just so you're not alone? I certainly hope not. The bottom line is that no matter what any of us tell you, you will do what you want. If you get desperate to call, you'll call. When you get to that point, though, take a deep breath, count to ten, and ask yourself if you really need the abuse. I hope the answer will be "no." Good luck to you.

November 20, 2001
9:37 am
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jb489
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I was the same way. I had to call for all the same reasons and every call was exactly the same leaving me to feel worse every time. You'll stop really. I did-The killing of a pillow or vegetables is a great idea do them. Take your frustrations out constructively. He is having a great time at the expense of your emotions don't give him the satisfaction. Think about it-do you think he is doing what your doing to yourself? I think not. Don't get me wrong, it took alot for me to see the light. Don't waste your time and energy there is so much more for you out there. Boy this is such a switch for me you should read my poor pathetic self just 1 1/2 months ago. Whew I'm glad I'm through that crap--too tiring. Keep smiling even when you don't want to make yourself. Keep reading the support of your new found friends here. These people pulled me up and made me realize that I, I, I am the important one and noone is going to bring me down again. (I have my moments but very few) Hey last night I played Scrabble Junior with my kids and neice-7yr old, 5 yr old, and 4 yr old. Now that is stressful-find some little kids to keep you laughing and have fun.
You'll be just fine.

November 20, 2001
11:07 am
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lyn
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thanks so much guys, i made it throught the night without calling and i feeling great... but the need will return and i know i must fight.. it's so true every time i call him i just feel worse about myself... if i'm not speaking loud enough he yells at me if i ask a simple question like how's your family he yells at me because i ask to many questions... most of the time he just hangs up on me and then i call back..i don't want any of it anymore he makes me sick the whole situation makes me nauscious.. thanks for the support guys..i know i can get through this i'm sick of not being able to read him everything i do is wrong and my fault ... screw him.

November 20, 2001
11:28 am
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artist 2
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Ii can't believe I'm sitting in this chair now telling you... I was you!

Express your desires to see him... cry out loud, sob, hit pillows, throw glass, scream in your car (a great buffer) tell friends how much you want to call him... do all these things - BUT DON'T LET HIM KNOW ANYTHING. See, the wicked thing is, you're going through all this, but he WILL NOT BENEFIT from knowing how much power he has - AS LONG AS YOU KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. The jokes on him!

Next time you get the urge, write to us here... someone will hear you!!!

November 20, 2001
11:42 am
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Starbaby
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Lyn-
Way to hang in there! I'm proud of you and you should be so proud of yourself! You know I've been there and it does get easier. Give yourself as much space as possible and you'll feel yourself getting stronger again. The urge will still keep coming up, but it will lessen.
Keep posting! And I like Blondie's idea about the pretend conversation. I think I'll use that one too. We all know how it will go anyway!
Take care and keep hanging in! 🙂

November 20, 2001
11:52 am
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Molly
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The real pisser of this is that as soon as you have gotten through this, he is gonna call you. Know this and screen your calls its a game at this point. Know this. Sick twisted perverted game, of power and controll.
Do read those books, do check out those threads, but no contact. this is just the withdrawl phase of a really bad habit, think 21 days, and its all cured.

November 26, 2001
9:55 am
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lyn
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Well ladies and gents... I went out wednesday night and as i was waiting in line at the club my ex Mr. VIP walks right in I said hi he said hi then kept walking... I decided at that point i would leave I am not ready to even be in the same room as him. Thursday morning i get a call Happy Thanksgiving did you not get in it was the ex... I said i left he said i was waiting for you right at the door... I said why... he said i was going to buy you a drink and go on my merry way... that's nice (he never bought one thing when we were going out now he's gonna buy me a drink..ok don juan).
Then he said I was a baby for leaving and very immature.. that's funny i thought i was doing us both a favor but obviously not "i'm ALWAYS doing something wrong." He then as usual yelled at me and hung up... Obviously i called him back we talked for two minutes then he proceeded to tell me that he saw a picture of a girl that looked like me but she had it together... he said i am a mess... A MESS.. I would never say that to someone i loved he then started yelling at me and telling me that i'm this i'm that.. finally i said you know what...I don't have to take this anymore you're mean and cruel and i can't stand this..and i hung up...
He called back twice that day but that was it i haven't heard from him since..I am kind of depressed but when am i gonna realize it's for the best... But i am very proud of myself my whole point to this was that i haven't spoken to him since thursday and each time it's getting easier.. I know i shouldn't wonder this but i wonder sometimes if he ever thinks about me...but who cares i know...i hate him, but yet i miss him soooo much...

November 26, 2001
9:57 am
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lyn
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It hurts real bad!!!!

November 26, 2001
10:11 am
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artist 2
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You're doing great!

November 26, 2001
10:24 am
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deshong
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Lyn,

Please understand that a man like him is not even capable to give you the relationship and friendship that you deserve. ahe has major issues. You keep hoping that there will be some miraculous turn around in his life. Well you do not have time to wait.

Also think about this, even if tomorrow he becomes a new man(yeah right) He has hurt you soo much that there should be little trust on your part. He was emotionally and verbally abusing you. Walk away and no matter what keep walking.

Get involved in your own personal life. Set some goals, take a trip, stay busy to get over your bad habit!!! You can do it. You have great friends here who believe in you!!

November 26, 2001
10:39 am
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gg40
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I am going to write something that goes against everything you have been reading. I DID call on Wednesday night and it was soooo humiliating that I threw up afterwards. It was what I needed to do to motivate me to get over the relationship. Now I feel angry but I will get over that too. I realized that my self-esteem was so low to cause me to do such an act and remain in a relationship with a man who reminded me constantly of his unfaithfulness. Reality hit me so hard in the face after that phone call, I was reeling. I hope this helps, I understand what you are going through.
gg40

November 26, 2001
11:06 am
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lyn
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gg40 i know what you mean when you sometimes need that unhealthy reminder but i think i have been reminded enough... This guy is a scum bag and i know this... i just want him to feel bad for how he treated me but i honestly don't think that will happen for a very long, long time if ever. My depression has hit an all time high Lately i have been feeling feelings of hopelessness, despair...I hate when i get like this time to up the zoloft i hate that too..I am trying to deal with it on my own, I am 23 why do i have to go through this it makes me angry and sad at the same time.... why can't i just be happy with me??? The thought of being alone is horrifying to me...

November 26, 2001
11:15 am
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artist 2
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Being alone is so scary...

But if you can stand it long enough you will gain such insight you've never had before. Try not to be afraid of looking at the dark side. It will become your source of light if you can just hang on.

November 26, 2001
11:29 am
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lyn
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hanging on is about all i can do right now, by a thread... How could i let someone have so much control over me.. I am not angry right now i am very sad and depressed...I want to be angry but i feel i have no energy i did a lot of sleeping this weekend i find it hard to get out of bed...this reallly sux..

November 26, 2001
12:02 pm
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Molly
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You need to get angry, you need the energy to fight the depression, kick in that survivor mode. Get pissed, make the list remember this is withdrawl, those pangs of rejection, are just temporary, and your brain playing games with you. Change your attitude, do not give him your power. You took controll at that second that you left where he was, it triggered the gamemaster in him, thus the phone call, you fell into the dance, you won't do that again. It was a DUH moment, congratulations. Growth spurt. This too shall pass. It only hurts if you look at it from that frame of referance, your brain doesn't know if your lying or not, so tell your self this is a good thing, and your free. Thank God your 23, and not 53 getting this lesson, look at this as a gift. Hard to do, but practice makes perfect. So, the conversation is really over right? No more validation needed that your on the right track ? Structure your day, make the list of what you have to do, make the list longer than there are hours in the day, so you won't let your monkey brain take over, and do the shoulda woulda coulda dance. Why don't you plan a little holiday party at your place? Make it a girl thing, every one brings something? Keep moving foreward, your gonna not only survive, your going to have the greatest revenge of success. He must label you as a mess, to validate his shit, don't ever for get that. his word games, to keep you confused and under controll, but you know this don't you!!!!!!!!

November 26, 2001
12:22 pm
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lyn
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WOW MOLLY talk about a pick me up... thank you so much..that is exactly what my friend said she said he was pi**ed that i left the club and that i didn't want to be graced by his presence pi**ed him off also... that makes me feel great..you're right i need to get on top of my game although all i want to do is sleep..but i'm trying to get back into the swing of things working out etc... i am not a mess he is!!!! I don't need to call people names to feel better about myself... Before he met me he used to keep full water bottles in his car to throw at people on the highway if they cut him off. (can you say PSYCHO, oh and he had no problem punching threw people's windows as well... One time i was joking with him and talking like a baby he threw me out of his car and said that i needed to grow up and find my own way home...ugh!!

November 26, 2001
12:27 pm
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lyn
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needless to say he suffers from road rage in case you couldn't figure that out...amongst other types of rage...He doesn't even have a normal speaking voice he yells everything he tries to say...go to his family's house it's like hanging out at your local truck stop f'in this and f'in that... boy does he put on a great image... he has all the clothes DKNY, Ralph Lauren everything but he has nothing on the inside he sure suckered me in...i fell for his image and then i was sucked in...He is your typical guido...

November 26, 2001
4:07 pm
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Starbaby
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Lyn,
Hey there! You made me smile...we have a lot of similarities. I think that it is so great that you left the club the other night (and that you were out at one in the first place!) And he did exactly what Molly had written last week...he called you after you "dissed" him. That was a big reality check for him...you weren't there to fall all over him and take his crap and he didn't know what do with himself! He needed to call and try to suck you back in so he could feel like "the man" once again. I mean, HOW DARE you not want to talk to him! 🙂

You're doing great with this! Keep hanging in there. The sadness is normal. Almost everyone is sad after a break-up. Its ok to feel that, but don't let it get the best of you to where you go back to him to make it feel better. (like going back to a drug for just "one more hit.") Nothing will be different. You know what I do to get myself angry? I make a list, usually just in my mind, of all the crappy stuff he did and how it made me feel. I get so angry over it that the sadness melts right away!

I also know what you mean about having to go through all this and you're only 23. You feel like you should be having carefree fun and not dealing with co-dependency and depression, etc. I've felt that way too (remember, I'm 25), but I've changed my way of thinking about that. I look at my friends who have never dealt with anything to heavy and I'm not jealous or feel its unfair. I'm simply happy for them that they haven't had too much stress in their lives. As for me, I'm proud of what I've been through. I've been through a major depression where I could barely get out of bed and had to take Zoloft, but look at me now. Not only do I get up, but I have a job that I love and am going back for my Master's. Things have always worked out and I learned a lot about myself and have emerged a stronger person.

Things will get better for you and, like everyone here says, we really need to be thankful that we are learning all this in our 20's , before it gets too late for us.

Keep kicking butt!

November 26, 2001
4:17 pm
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Molly
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As you can see, we get all these messages, and ignore them. No more, right? I haven't heard that one about tossing the water at people, we just shoot them here in California. Your going to be great, no other options. hang tough girlfriend.

November 26, 2001
4:23 pm
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lyn
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starbaby i guess we do have tons in common...I'm still working on that angry bit...i will get there i promise... i can admit he does make me sick but angry i'm not there yet..i want to kick the zoloft and him out of my life i want to be happy..in due time i suppose we all want a quick fix but i guess what we want aren't always what we need.

November 26, 2001
4:41 pm
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lyn
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thanks molly for the support..i need to toss a water bottle at him..he's such a moron...

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