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I need help just copeing.
October 20, 2005
3:46 pm
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tornheart
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How does one learn to trust someone who travels out of town? He meets women all the time, he has many phone numbers, email addresses, someone please tell me how I am suppose to trust. I am an emotional wreck I think I have become very insecure and have very bad panic attacks, its starting to stop me from doing anything normal in my life.

October 20, 2005
4:02 pm
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exoticflower
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does he ever lie or hide things? if you catch him does he blame you somehow? these are warning signs to not trust. But if he is open about these things, calls to check in, tells you all about his trips just because he wants to share, reasures you and is understanding to your fear and wants you to feel confident in his love for you, then maybe it's time to look inward--maybe at why you feel he would even want to cheat on you, if you may be projecting your own fears onto the situation. If honey seems to show all the signs of a loving trustable partner, perhaps you just feel unworthy of his love somehow, that old "I'm jsut not good 3enough"sensation we all get sometimes manifesting itself differently? So much doubt actually comes back to self doubt, I hope you feel that you are desreving of love and that honey is with you becasue there are great reasons to be with you, and that you recognize, neurture and credit yourself those reasons every day.

October 20, 2005
4:04 pm
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Anonymous
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there is a book out there called the courage to trust by cynthia wall, I found it at amazon.com and barnes and nobles.

it talks about learning to trust by first learning to trust yourself, then others.

it talks about healing your inner child.

also, codependent no more is another good one, by melody beattie.

is he your husband? if he isn't, then perhaps you need a boyfriend that is more suited to your needs. Is this the first time you have felt like this with a man? First work on your own insecurities - because that's the core of your relationship - he may do nothing to spark your mistrust...and you may push him away if you don't work on your own internal issues, or if you leave him, you may still have the same trust issues with the next guy. Partners travel all the time - and their healthy partners don't panic...they have a miss them in a healthy way, but they don't panic...that's something from within you...as you seem to be aware.

a therapist or coda meeting may help....go to http://www.coda.org to find out more and meetings near you.

October 20, 2005
4:06 pm
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skittlesmommy
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As a woman who has been hurt (what I feel) way more than my share, I advise you to go with your instincts. If you only have suspicions that's one thing, and you need to find a way to be supportive instead of insecure. But if you have that deep down gut, heart-wrenching feeling, then he may be cheating and you need to exit what could turn into an unhealthy relationship.

October 20, 2005
4:15 pm
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tornheart
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No he is not my husband, we have lived here for 8 years, I moved from across the country to live here with him, and when we met he only went out of town maybe 3 times a year until 3 years ago. Now he goes out of town about 13 weeks a year. He does not share me with his company friends but I have to hear all about them each and everyday. He doesn't show me affection and most of the time when I say I would like to talk he says" NOW" there is never a good time. Since I moved here I got a bad allergy at a company I was working at and now I can't seem to get even a agency job because of it.
If I question him on why theres so many numbers and addresses he gets mad and we fight and it never gets solved. I know its me, I have begun to hate me more than anything because of the way I feel. I do not feel good when he goes out of town, hes always meeting other women, and just so you know he does not call me when hes out of town just to see how I am, I have to call him ...always....He never has just called home even when hes working in town just to say ilove you or anything. I love this guy, but I think I am hurting me because hes not about to up and understand how I feel or even remotely care.

October 20, 2005
4:30 pm
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Anonymous
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torn, I didn't recognize your name - but now I recognize your story.

I think you need to learn to focus on you - I think my advise today is the same as it was the other day.

This guy doesn't seem to meet your needs, and doesn't seem to be very considerate. This is based only on what you tell us here. I also remember you saying he drinks when he is home. This is a red flag.

Do some reading, find some support groups...get a therapist to work with you on your anxiety issues.

beyond this, I don't know what else to offer, so I will let this go and see what others have to say.

October 20, 2005
4:35 pm
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exoticflower
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I agree torn, this doesn't sound like a relationship where what he is willing to give and what you ned are the swame things. You deserve to have your needs met, and if he can't meet them, then maybe you just are not going to find happiness with him?

October 21, 2005
1:21 pm
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Sorry, Ali, but I need to ask what you mean by his drinking when he's at home is a red flag.

Tornheart, it doesn't sound like he is willing to give to you and when that happens it's like a bad cycle going down and getting worse. You end up getting more anxious and needy and he just withdraws more......

it sounds like you got pretty sick/inconvenienced by the allergy. Did you get so sick that you lost your job? Did it make you feel way less attractive to him at this most vulnerable time?

Just take care of yourself physically first. When you feel like you can ask yourself the getting-to-the core questions, go ahead and do it.

Sometimes just imagining the worst of your fears as reality -- he's found someone else, he's lost his attraction to you -- and do some very hard imagining and really see yourself as being able to cope in those situations (because EVERYONE CAN handle it!) will bring the whole thing back into perspective and you'll be able to evaluate the situation.

Another possibility -- Stop bringing him a puddle of tears and suspicions. Go sit on the other side of the room quietly and tell him you think the situation is untenable for you the way it is. You'd like to be able to understand why he treats you so coldly and if HE thinks there's any hope for the situation to change.

And then listen, write stuff down.

If you are drinking or on meds or depressed, that comes into play. If you concentrate on how you are taking care of yourself physically, you're going to feel a little more stable emotionally.

Someone posted a "Personal Bill of Rights" a while ago. Do you remember it? Torn heart, you have a right to your feelings, and you also have a right to control your feelings when it is to your advantage. Maybe it's like choosing how you'd feel if you saw someone beating up your child or your best friend? Would you try to protect them or just cry? I really don't think you'd choose to just be upset because you are coming across to me as someone who is way stronger than that.

Things you can't control -- his behavior and emotions.

Things you CAN control -- your own tone of voice, gestures, body language.

I want to help, Tornheart. Do any of these things carry any weight for you?

Oh, and the "not now" issue -- take it calmly. Tell him you need a time when he's not drinking or hungover and get him to give you an "appointment". Tell him you expect him to keep it -- make it with a 3rd party involved if necessary. He will continue to not address any issues until you press.

October 21, 2005
1:30 pm
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Anonymous
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Brynnie,

in her other post she mentions that when he DOES come home, he starts drinking beer - and this is a habit that happens every time he is home, and he drinks often.

that's what I meant by a red flag...if he is drinking when he is on business functions (which is an assumption - but I have been to plenty and know how free the liquor flows)...but if he is drinking on trips, then drinking at home - there may be a bigger problem than just "neglecting" her when he is home or on the road.

October 22, 2005
11:04 pm
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on my way
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sounds like you need to have your needs met by someone who can meet them, and who loves you. you sound miserable and like you really know the truth about this but having difficulty facing it...my thoughts based on how i would be taking all of this if it were me.

i think it is important to understand that you do not need to "change" for any one. sounds like you are compromising yourelf to the point of almost losing yuor identity........and in spite of all of your love, honesty, feelings and commitment to this person, nothing changes.

the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

you sounds like a very sweet, kind, giving, caring person...i think you deserve better.

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