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I need help... I DON'T WANT TO KILL MYSELF, BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE ALIVE EITHER...DS here
January 16, 2007
9:12 pm
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depressionsucks78
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Thanks guys.

Well, I finally went to the dr today. I was talking with my boss and he mentioned that one of our guys has pneumonia. I freaked out and told him that someone had said that it sounded like I have it. I told him how much pain I'm in and he said he would rather I go to the dr now before I'm so sick I can't some to work for 3 or more days. (this wasn't the same boss who said no more time off.)

So I went to my dr and I have a pretty bad case of bronchitis and a sinus infection. He said I've pulled a muscle in my chest wall and that's why I'm having so much pain. He put me on antibiotics and Tylenol with Codeine. I have to go to work tomorrow, so my boss will just have to deal with me being all "spaced" out from the meds.

I'm pretty tired, and I'm sick to my stomach now, too, so I'll talk to you guys later.

Thanks again for letting me vent here.

January 16, 2007
9:41 pm
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Anonymous
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78,

I hope you get feeling better.

Can you go to a massage therapist for that muscle?

There are self massage techniques in that Trigger Point book I mentioned.

I hope the infection clears and you can sooth that muscle.

Keep venting...I swear it make you a more beautiful person because you don't feel like you are going to explode all day. 🙂

January 16, 2007
11:40 pm
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Earth_Angel
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Wow,
I am so sorry that you are hurting so badly. it must be very hard to be going through what you are feeling. I once felt the very same way. It took along time for me to get where I am now but I want you to know that there is really light at the end of the tunnel. The thing is you really gotta want recovery to crasp hold of it. I made the choice that nothing would stand ing the way of my recovery and I kept moving forward than a step back ward and so on. I can only recommend a few books that helped me. First was the bible. There is lots of hope in it. I learned of God's love for me and my value and self worth because of His love. It's cool to know you are loved unconditionally., Secondly I read every Melody Beaty book out there, as well as happiness is a choice, and boundaries, any book my Minrith -Meyer of Dr. Less Carter as well as Chris thurman. These Guys gave me much hope as I waited to grieve the most of the pain I had. Grieving is so important, If you have inresolved grief you will always be in pain. I am a 12 stepper for codependance, and lastly please forgive yourself for being human and like the rest of the world. you are in good company- we all screw up in life and perfection is just a perception not a reality. A persona perception becomes their reality and it is soooo important that if you are serious about getting hooked up in the right direction , grieveing your pain and moving forward you must forgive your self for being imperfect. Find out why you think you "need" to be and toss out the whole concept. You're a grown up now you can make new rules for your life and the rule I made was that No one perfect could be in my life except Jesus. Because if you think you are perfect well then you probably are not for me because I am so far from it, but that is ok. In my house it is ok to be who you are. I make the rules now. I have empowered myself and friend let me empower you. You have the right to make the new rules about your belief system. So start deciding if perfection is so healthy for you and change the rules. It sounds easy but it is hard. Ok having said all this. If you need professional help from a Dr. Get it because youar cemistry is out of wack and you have an imbalance in your brain. Me too so don't feel weird about it. But recovery is hard and you need to take care of your brain just like you would any other organ in your body. If you needed insulin you wouldn't NOT take it. Well your brain is an organ and it gets chemically out of balance and you need to atke care of that. Secondly after that. Please just grieve the pain, the Grieving process is like this. first you have denial/shock, like you can't believe this is happening to you, then you have anger inward/anger outward first your mad at your offender then your mad at you, these can come and go randomly, then depression and sadness this is the real gut wrenchiang pain of the loss you are feeling, then perhaps bargining with God God if you .... I will serve you forever. then forgiveness and resolution forgive the person/s that may have offended you, and forgive YOU for being YOU! then you will begin to see light at the end of the tunnel. God bless you and I will be praying for you.

January 17, 2007
8:40 pm
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depressionsucks78
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Want to die right now. Kind of feeling like I AM dying. Codiene made me sick to my stomach, so dr put me on vicodin. I have to wait for the codiene to wear off before i can take the vicodin. I think I have a cyst on my ovary, it hurts soooooo bad. I don't need that on top of being sick.

January 17, 2007
8:52 pm
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jewel
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DS,

I don't have all the physical pain that you have, but I know the feeling of wanting to die, but not really wanting to do it. I am going through the same thing. I am having severe tooth pain. I may need a root canal. Nothing that I am doing is working. I hope you are doing better. I know what you mean about being in the hospitals. I was just in a psych ward last week and I hated it. I don't like being locked in. Hugs to you.

Jewel

January 18, 2007
10:50 am
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Anonymous
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78,

Sorry you are hurting!

I am really sensitive to meds...vicoden makes me hallucinate...so I can't it.

ultracet was ok...or ultram...something like that...I would so get that 024 fibromyalgia spray too. It smells good might open up your sinuses and lung too. You could spray it on the sore muscle in your chest and your abdomin for the ovarian pain.

Then you could have the pain meds working on the inside and spray working on the outside...why not?

If you put a heating pad on top of the sprayed areas it feels even better.

I hope there is a comedy or a chick flick around to distract you too.

Keep taking good care or yourself and feel better!

January 18, 2007
9:05 pm
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depressionsucks78
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Well, I just got home from seeing my therapist. What a joke. The more I see her, the more I realize that all they do is speak condescendingly to you, and yes, they listen, but they don't hear a word. I told her everything that's been going on, and all she did was ask me what I needed to change in order to feel better.

Give me a break! If I knew the answer to that, chances are I wouldn't be in therapy in the first place.

I am still heavily medicated, and EXTREMELY tired right now, but come on. I told her what I just wrote in the last paragraph, and she said, "you seem to have a wall up right now. Maybe we should end for today."

Well, no shit, sherlock. Of course I have a wall up. Feed me that kind of bullshit, and I'm gonna shut you out immediately. I didn't tell her that. I just let it go and left.

Maybe I should have responded differently, maybe not. The point is, I felt she wasn't listening to a damn word I said, and when I called her on it, she blamed me.

Was I wrong???

I might be back later, but I need some sleep. I spent 5 hours in the ER last night because of this whole ovarian cyst thing, and all the dr did was run some blood work, and came back several hours later only to say, "you don't have a kidney stone." WELL, DUH!!!!!!!!! I told him when I went in that I thought it was a cyst, cuz I've had them before. My pain is too low to be a kidney stone. This dr didn't even examine me. He said the blood work was fine and to call my own dr. My dr was the one who told me to go to the ER in the first place.

I have lost any and all respect I had for ER's and their staff, as well as the mental health professionals in this city. They don't have a clue.

Anyway, any feedback would be greatly appreciated, and thanks again for caring!!

January 18, 2007
9:23 pm
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bevdee
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Hey Depression

Kidney stones can be high or low - in the kidney, or anywhere in the ureter, from where the ureter comes out of the kidney, thru the ureterocystic junction (where ureter joins the bladder) and can still cause pain from in the bladder until they are passed.

While your kidneys are high and toward the back of the body, the ureters, where they meet the bladder are anterior, near the front of the body, low in the pelvis.

January 18, 2007
9:42 pm
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Earth_Angel
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Wow I was reading about all the people who can in some way identify with you and it is cool that you are not alone. I wrote to you before and shared about some of the stuff That I have gone through but I really didn't want to make my listening about me.
I do want you to know that everyday of my life is filled with physical pain. After going through 3 different college education careers, I am now permanently disabled. I started when I was weight lifting when I was 18 I popped a disc. dislocated a knee . They wanted me to have surgery but I was scared so I didn't. I went to school and started a career in cosmetology, then I became to everything in the salon, so I decided to become and insurance angent, went to school for that 61 credits got my series 6-63 so I could sell variables, and I couldn't take the siting and driving, so I went to school to become a nurse and I couldn't take the walking and standing even after knee surgery and back surgery. So while I was doing my clinicals I started having seizures and was diagnosed with complex partial seizures, I had developed asthma, allergies I never had before, then fibromyalgia, neuropothy in my legs, feet and hands, my back has 2 inoperable hemoraged discs and I have spinal stenosis, where the artheritis is closing in on the roots in my spine. So ask me if I have pain... I'll tell you yes I have alot of pain the migraines are horrible, along with all the other stuff. You get my picture right!!! I'm telling you this.. There is always a way out more appropriate than killing yourself. You need to really go to a bible based church and get some input on how God feels about suicide. I don't want to preach I just want to see you get help. I also want youa to know that you are not alone in feeling pain BUT you can get help if you want help. You can learn to deal with the pain if you want to.. It is that simple. God Bless you I am praying for you...

January 18, 2007
11:59 pm
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Anonymous
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Earthangel,

The pain you are in sounds horrible. 🙁 I am so sorry.

I am glad that you have found a relationship with God so that you can deal with all of those health problems.

January 19, 2007
12:05 am
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Anonymous
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78,

Well, if you don't like your doctors and therapists then fire them....they are just public servants.

They have big special degrees, but that doesn't mean you can't fire them and hire a new one for yourself.

Maybe, your therapists approach isn't the right approach for you.

How many are on your plan? Try a new one.

If that doesn't work, then try alternative...reiki...or google the institute of Healing Arts or Pam Robinson....she does great emotional release work even if it isn't really orthodox...who cares it is your money...get a new public servant.

January 19, 2007
8:14 am
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taj64
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DS78, Sorry I have not responded to you lately. Im sorry for all your troubles. I have to admit for all my troubles in life I have never really had therapy or at least ongoing. I once started to go a therapist about 6 years ago. I went on 3 visits and got no where. I was comfortable but just could not seem to fathom forking out such an incredible amount of money for me to talk about my problems and not much advice for me. She seemed to ask questions but nothing helpful to me, just the dyanimics of things. Anyway, I accidently parked in a lawyers spot because the commercial building had very little parking available, not enough in my opinion and missed seeing the reserved spot and I came out to see my car gone with a $110 towing charge to get my car. I was alone, upset and already very depressed in my life at the time so I go back into the pysch's office and my therapist totally ignored me as I was crying and had no interest in helping me to get my car. I was so angry at the way they treated me that all of sudden my problem started to disappear and I never went back there again. Somestime even professionals are uncaring. So I agree with you. The best therapy I can think of is to have hope for yourself, always talk gentle to yourself, accept the way you are, find humor in yourself, seek your own kind of help whatever that is, and don't give up. Never give up on yourself.

January 19, 2007
8:31 am
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Anonymous
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taj,

That stinks that the therapist...who is supposed to be caring about your emotional and mental state...didn't do anything to help you.

I guess I am lucky i found someone with 25 years of experience who seems to know a thing or two and has called me during her vacation when I had left a message with what was going on in my life.

January 19, 2007
7:47 pm
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depressionsucks78
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OK, first things first. Earth_Angel, I'm so sorry for your pain. I understand that you weren't trying to preach at me, but your god has nothing to do with me. I grew up in a christian household, but I have found other outlets, and I am much more spiritual now than I ever was when I was a "christian". Thanks, but no thanks.

I'm sorry if I'm coming across as rude or whatever, but I truly am not trying to be.

I think the bronchitis is getting better. My chest doesn't hurt as bad as it did, and I'm not coughing as much. Narcotics are great things!! Now I just need to get everything else better, and maybe I won't be so pissy all the time.

Thanks guys!

January 22, 2007
10:16 pm
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Anonymous
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78,

I will be happy to hear that you are back to good health for sure...I get really pissy too. I think it is PMS related.

Anyway, I am feeling good now...exedrin migraine...ah that is why I am not asleep?

Are you reading any self help books or what not instead of counseling?

Just wondering what you do if you decide not to see a therapist. Everyone has something that works for them, right? 🙂

January 22, 2007
10:24 pm
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sweetheart
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Hi,
It sucks to hear about someone no enjoying life. Everyone takes on a different view of what life means, so I cannot say that I understand how you feel. I try to look at it as though this is my only time to live. I try to picture myself an old lady on my last string of life. I wonder at that time if I will be thankful for the life that I have lived. We often get stuck in the present moment, and get trapped inside a mindset of depression and anxiety. Hopefully, you can find the strength to pull through and find something that brings you joy, because this is your life to live. Don't let anyone or anyone take that from you.

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