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I need help... I DON'T WANT TO KILL MYSELF, BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE ALIVE EITHER...DS here
January 13, 2007
2:50 am
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depressionsucks78
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I realize that right now, there probably isn't going to be anyone around, but I am just losing my mind. I am SICK of being alive. I won't kill myself, but, damnit...how much shit do I have to put up with before it's over. In the last few days I have been obsessing about life, death, and different ways of ending it all. I have cried myself to sleep for 2 weeks straight now, and I am not happy no matter what I do. I am in physical pain beyond belief, and the thoughts that travel through my head are starting to scare even me. I thought I had rationalized everything, but these thoughts and feelings are completely IRrational. Nothing makes sense. Everything has to be perfect, or I get pissed, and it's my way or NO WAY. I've always been a bit of a perfectionist, but I think it's getting out of hand. I can't stand being around people, but as soon as I'm alone, I cry, and I want other people around. If I'm with others, I don't cry.

I've tried talking to a phone counselor, but I got frustrated and hung up, cuz she wasn't letting me talk. She kept interrupting me. I hate that.

I just want some peace in my life. There is so much more I could say, and maybe, a little at a time, I can. But not now, It's too hard. If anyone can just help me get through this one step at a time, that would be great. I honestly don't know how much more fight I have left before I give up and let nature take it's course.

January 13, 2007
3:52 am
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thetbeav
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Everybody goes through similar feelings of just giving up. You're not alone.

First of all, you recognize your problem that leads to your aggravations and that's hugely important. Do you know how many people go through life trying to figure out WHY they are unhappy? Furthermore, they blame their unhappiness on everyone else! It takes a very strong person to state what you have stated, and know for a fact that that alone makes you a lot stronger than most of the population.

So what next? If you feel yourself getting aggravated over a situation (getting interrupted for instance), just make the point to say to yourself, "hello?? This is not worth getting pissy about...Just Chill!". I know this because I have to do it to myself too. Honey, we all strugle with it. Just tell yourself that you are strong enough to overcome your feelings of aggravation and talk yourself out of them. You'll start to see a change in your feelings and then you feel even stronger knowing that you're in control of your feelings.

I don't know what's going on in your life, and I'm very sorry you have cried yourself to sleep for the last few weeks. I do know that whatever it is, you can figure out a way to make it all work, and eventually you'll feel good again. Just hang in there. HANG IN THERE!

January 13, 2007
4:08 am
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mamacinnamon
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DS78:

I wish you peace honey. Hang in there.

January 13, 2007
5:53 am
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startingover
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Things taking their natural course mean that you will keep going ahead, you are young and healthy, take one day at a time and hope for the help you need to feel better.

SO

January 13, 2007
6:01 pm
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depressionsucks78
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I don't feel very young, and I'm a far cry from healthy, but the one day at a time part, I'm learning how to do that.

I'm tired of putting on a show for the whole damn world. I'm unhappy, but the only way I know how to let people know that is to hospitalize myself. No way in hell am I going to put myself through another month of that. I'd most likely kill someone else.

I'm tired of over-analyzing EVERYTHING. I want to STOP thinking, but I don't have a clue how to do that. I am starting to have half-assed flashbacks again, and I thought I was done with all of that shit. I thought I had worked through it all. Now, I'm scared of people I thought I could trust. But, I thought I could trust him then too.....oh my god, I can't handle this shit.

I'm craving drugs more now than I have since I quit using, and more than anything else, I just don't want to live any more.

January 13, 2007
7:05 pm
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Anonymous
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Hey 78,

Do you want to talk about you health problems?

I have had chronic pain for 5 years. I would love to be a listening ear for you. Just let it out sweetheart, let it all out.

Here are a list of some emotions:
Fear, Frustration, Overwhelment/Confusion. Suppressed Anger, Negative self image, Envy/Jealousy, Resentment/Control, Need for Approval, Judgement/Guilt, Shame, Sadness/Despair, Out of Control, and Burden.

Something that has helped me is writing. Pick the emotion that stands out the most and write and write and write until you feel a little better or seriously get sick of writing. Sometimes, I do it on my thread "New Here: I Guess I am Copedendent".

Low will to live....that might be a good one to write about.

January 13, 2007
8:37 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Could you say more about the physical pain you are experiencing?

January 13, 2007
9:03 pm
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thetbeav
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Geez, coming out of a using drugs. No wonder you feel like shit. No matter what drug you were using (I've had my fair share), they make you feel good. Your body gets used to it then when you stop...you don't feel good anymore. I had a drug problem several years ago and spent months absoutley miserable. Just know that it takes quite some time for your body to feel back to normal and your unhappiness is partly due to getting things back to normal. Just know that everyday you'll feel better than the day before. And eventually you will be yourself again. Just hang in there. Day by day...

Meanwhile, do things for yourself. Take time to work on making your health (if you don't think you're healthy). Doing any type of exersize makes us feel better physically and emotionally.

You don't have to put on a show for anyone. Everyone in this world goes through all sorts of stuff in their life, and we shouldn't have to front to act like everything is always okay.

Tomorrow's another day. You'll look back someday soon and realize how far you've come. Chin up.

January 13, 2007
11:04 pm
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depressionsucks78
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I have been clean for a little more than 2 years. I have cravings sometimes, but now they are stronger than they've ever been before.

My physical pain is hard to explain. I suffer from chronic bronchitis, frequent migraines, severe back pain & carpal tunnel syndrome. I have type 1 diabetes (childhood diagnosis, insulin dependent), polycystic ovary disease, high blood pressure, and athsma.

As far as mental problems, I have borderline personality disorder, severe depression, and PTSD.

Right now I am mostly pissed off at the world. I hate the way I have learned to "deal" with my problems over the years. I don't deal with them, I ignore them. I'm tired of hurting on the inside, so badly that I feel like driving my car into a brick wall, just to make my brain stop. I'm tired of living with family, I'm 28 years old, and have never lived on my own, except when I was married, we had our own place then.

I hate being such a perfectionist, because nothing, and no one, is perfect. Therefore I am always unhappy, but I don't know how to be any other way. I am a people pleaser, because I am terrified of conflict. I go out of my way to make others happy even though I'm miserable most of the time. I crave affection, and see all of my problems as flaws, so I don't talk about them, or let people know how I feel.

I'm tired of living what feels like a lie.

January 14, 2007
9:52 am
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Anonymous
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78,

I also wonder if you have fibromyalgia...when you have other pain and stress sometimes the body gets overwhelmed and you end up with fibromyalgia.

I have had quite a few ovarian cysts...ouch. Are you on birth control or something for that?

I recommend the trigger point work book...Claire Davies...or something like that...for muscle pain, migraines, and carpal tunnel. Worth a shot.

Lungs...wow...it really stinks to not be able to breath well. I'd say allergies or a weakened immune system. When you get depressed it can really take a toll on your immune system.

I know..I know...for anyone who reads a lot of my posts how I go on and on like a pharmaceutical commercial about cymbalta...but it has so helped me.

They use this antidepressant on people with neuropathy...caused from diabetes. It has helped me out a lot with the physical pain of fibromyalgia.

Anyway, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate. sounds very overwhelming. Chronic pain can lead to depression. They electrocuted rats everyday and boy were those poor rats depressed...brainwaves and body chemistry changes and everything...some doctor told me that so I have no source..sorry.

anyway, I gotta get ready for church...but keep letting it out.

You deserve affection, btw.

January 14, 2007
10:36 am
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mamacinnamon
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DS78:

((((big soft hugs today))))

I have to agree w/ artist girl on most everything she said. I have ptsd, fibromyalgia, and we'll just leave the rest of the list danglin. I am on a ton of meds and still feel pain daily. Just had a BAD fibro flair and it has left me quite a bit depressed. Good news tho, I could fasten my bra all by myself yesterday. lol. Meanial yes, but a big thing when you cannot.

Honey there is nothin like chronic pain that will put anyone into a depression. Have you spoken to the doc about new meds? And I totally agree that maybe you should get checked for fibro.

I feel for you about the family thing. I am on day 4 of hubby home and sittin in front of the tv and I'm not to be doin anything w/ this last flair, but who will. My sis uses me as an excuse for not getting anything of hers done and dumps her kids and disappears just coz she cannot handle them. Don't ya just want to scream from all the bs family puts you thru? I don't have a magical answer there. Just find a quiet spot or at least a spot where you can go to be alone; even if it is the bathroom.

Will be around for a little bit if you want to talk.

January 14, 2007
12:07 pm
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truthBtold
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Have you ever been in an airplane?

One image that really has helped me at times like this is the visual experience of riding above the clouds in an airplane.

To look below....and literally see all of the dark clouds that those on land can only see.....but to actually experience myself riding ABOVE the clouds and basking myself in the sunshine that is always there....just not visable from land at times.

Hope this helps.

((((((WARM HUGS)))))))

January 14, 2007
2:36 pm
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serenityali
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TruthBtold, I enjoyed your visual, it is empowering! I have had your thoughts as well and for me it gives a sense of control that I need at the time. It's taken me many years to be okay with the thoughts now that I understand what its about.

You have a lot on your plate, which must be difficult for you. However, you are reaching out and talking, so must want to learn and make positive changes. As a recovering person, I must ask you if you're involved in Narcotics Anonymous or a similar support group. I believe it could be helpful for you, but must be you decision and just a thought. I hope you tell the counselor next time that she needs to listen to you. I'm sure she was just trying to help, but understand your frustration.

I think it's good you're expressing your anger and encourage you to continue to do that. Otherwise, the feelings turn into more depression.

Remember you are worth happiness and all you need to think about it today or the moment. I pray a lot during times like this and ask for strength and hope. You will remain in my thoughts and prayers.

Ali

January 14, 2007
9:22 pm
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hopeful for change
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I live in chronic pain as well, and sympathize...it becomes depressing. I found it really interesting last week I was talking to my surgeon and he said anyone who lives in chronic pain should take meds for depression. He said after awhile your brain starts to emit chemicals that actually cause depression...as if the circumstances were badn't enough.

I have been on cymbalta for a few weeks now and do feel better. A few weeks back I was so depressed...I wanted to die.

It's hard to keep going sometimes. I am stuck in my house 24/7 and it sucks. I'm here to talk anytime.

January 14, 2007
10:30 pm
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depressionsucks78
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Well, today has really sucked. I live in Colorado. I don't really know how the rest of the country is faring, but we are in the middle of a DEEP freeze. I just saw something on yahoo! News about an ice storm, so I'm guessing we're not alone in this freezing weather, but anyway...

My chest hurts sooooooooo bad right now. I think it is the cold that is doing it, but I have been sitting here for 2 hours wondering if I should go to the hospital. I tried my nebulizer, and it's not really working, but I'm really not having that much trouble with breathing, it just hurts like a mother f***er, and the cold air makes it worse. So going out to go to the hospital seems like a dumb idea to me. I don't know. I am having another migraine, and I am sick to my stomach as well, so I'm pretty miserable right now. I'm alone, so I'll have to just deal with it, as always.

Interesting that you should say something about Fibromyalgia. My mom has Fibromyocytis, and her mom (my Nana) has Fibromyalgia. I don't know what the difference is between the 2, I just know that they both have it. I can't deny that I am my mothers daughter. We are alike in so many ways, it's eerie. I look JUST like her, and we both have a lot of the same health problems. I guess I wouldn't be too suprised if I had Fibromyalgia too.

I want someone to hold me right now so badly, that I feel pathetic. I guess I feel like I should quit whining, and deal with it.

But I don't want to. I want someone to love me. I want to love someone. Guys find out about all of my problems and they run like they've just seen bigfoot.

I am at the end of the line. I'm fresh out of ideas, and I don't have the energy to come up with anything new, so I don't know what to do now.

Thanks for letting me vent. I need to let these feelings out before I revert to cutting or otherwise hurting myself.

January 15, 2007
12:02 am
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Please don't revert to cutting. I'm here if you'd like to talk. Listed below is a self checklist for fibromyalgia. Just an FYI; not a diagnosis.

Hey, if you are still here and would like to talk i'm here for zwhile.

Please DON'T SELF DIAGNOSE! Use this list to help journal your symptoms and any progression you feel you are experiencing and CONSULT WITH YOUR DOCTOR. If your doctor isn't willing to even consider looking into your problems, then "shop around." But be sure to have appropriate medical consultation on your health.

PHYSIOLOGICAL PROBLEMS:
__ recurrent flu-like illness;
__ recurrent sore throats, red and injected;
__ painful lymph nodes under the arms and neck;
__ muscle and joint aches with tender and trigger points - up to 18 of them;
__ night sweats and fever;
__ severe nasal and other allergies;
__ irritable bowel syndrome (IBS);
__ weight change - usually gain;
__ heart palpitations;
__ mitral valve prolapse;
__ severe PMS;
__ yeast infections;
__ rashes and itching;
__ uncomfortable or frequent urination;
__ interstitial bladder cystitis;
__ chest pains (non-cardiac);
__ temporomandibular join dysfunction (in the jaw);
__ hair loss;
__ carpal tunnel syndrome;
__ cold hands and feet;
__ dry eyes and mouth;
__ severe and debilitating fatigue;
__ widespread pain;
__ other chronic illness(es) usually present (like diabetes, hypoglycemia, asthma, lupus, ms, etc.);
__ numbness in the limbs, not painful like pins & needles;
__ painful swelling in the hands, legs, feet, neck;
__ GERDs (gastro-esophageal reflux disorder);
__ “growing pains” start in childhood and teens, continue into adulthood;
__ widespread body pain during/after physical exertion.

COGNITIVE FUNCTION PROBLEMS:
__ attention deficit disorder;
__ spatial disorientation;
__ calculation difficulties;
__ memory disturbance;
__ communication difficulties(problems speaking, confusing words).

PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLEMS:
__ depression;
__ anxiety and panic attacks;
__ personality changes, usually for the worse;
__ emotional lability (mood swings).

OTHER NERVOUS SYSTEM PROBLEMS:
__ sleep disturbances;
__ headaches;
__ changes in visual acuity;
__ numb or tingling feelings;
__ burning sensations;
__ light headedness;
__ feeling 'spaced out;
__ desequilibrium;
__ frequent unusual nightmares and disturbing dreams;
__ tinnitus (ringing in the ears);
__ difficulty in moving your tongue to speak;
__ severe muscle weakness;
__ susceptibility to muscle, tendon, ligament injury;
__ intolerance to bright lights;
__ intolerance to alcohol;
__ intolerance to sound;
__ extreme sensitivity to medications and their side-effects;
__ alteration of taste, smell, and hearing;
__ insomnia;
__ inability to achieve stage 4 restorative sleep;
__ morning stiffness in the muscles and joints;
__ restless leg syndrome;
__ muscle spasms;
__ muscle quakiness and shivering during/after activity or exercise;
__ sleep paralysis (related to stage 4 sleep deprivation).

January 15, 2007
12:09 am
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depressionsucks78
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wow, mama Thanks for taking the time to type all that. I am on my way to bed, but after just breifly looking over the list, I have a LOT of those things. Tomorrow, I will try to list all of the things that I have. I'm not really tired tight now, but I have to work in the morning, so I need to try to get some sleep.

Thanks for being here!!

January 15, 2007
12:15 am
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mamacinnamon
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Goodnight Hon: Try to put things out of your mind and sleep. Soft music helps me. 🙂

January 15, 2007
12:22 am
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Hi DS,

One of the first thing a rational adult notices about the Life is: Our Life in this World is full of suffering. Every Human Being Suffers. There is no getting around that.

Our emotions are so powerful...they seem to consume us and define us.

Our emotions are kind of like weather. Sometimes stormy, sometimes sunny.

And some of us live in crappy climates.

But we are not our emotions.

Emotional weather changes--and we have the power to change it.

It is worthwhile to take a step back and just study the weather patterns for a while, watch what they do to the landscape of our minds.

It is remarkable where 20 minutes of living and walking and learning can take us--we never know what is just around the next corner.

Just as amazing: Almost everyone matters quite a bit to people who know them--we just don't know it--it is hard for us to know how much we matter to people.

And we matter to people who have not even met us yet.

My suggestion: We always die anyway. It's the way of all flesh.

It is almost always a worthwhile investment to delay our own deaths.

The future is full of unpicked fruit.

January 15, 2007
7:13 am
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doubledilemma
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Worried Dad, those were very wise words...I would do well to follow them myself....I guess you are saying we should stop being our own emotional meterologists and almost admit that our predictions will not be perfect...I read in a book when something upsets us we should kind of step back as if someone else were observing us and say "Oh that's interesting" and everytime we self talk say like an unconcerned onlooker, "oh, that's interesting"... there is a healing and a harsh reality in this...most people are too concerned about themselves to worry what impact they really have on others hon and that is why you are driving yourself crazy.. I really FEEL for you DS, you are like me, slowly almost killing the life out of you for some trauma or series of traumas you have gone through in your life. But I actually want you to start being a bit of a bitch for a while and see how MOST of the world really works hon and that is that people will

1) Take what they can get
2) Won't generally do anything for you unless there is something in it for them and finally
3) Are too concerned about themselves to worry about others feelings.

The exceptions of course are many and what keeps alot of us inspired to go on, the people who love and care for us, the humanitarians and other truly inspiring people of this world. But this is the truth hon, so practice for a while, going into another pair of shoes, or going into another chair and pretending you are like the majority of people, or even like a Rogerian therapist who just sits there and says nothing and say to yourself, "Isn't that interesting" and you will hate that other side of you for a while, until you realise that you have gotten a different perspective on your suffering for a while....

Just another of (many) suggestions... but I don't want to preach, I go through this myself almost every day and any pressure I am under or perceived to be under or anything I am worried about can make it worse.

Please keep in touch

D_D

G xoxoxo

January 15, 2007
8:26 pm
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depressionsucks78
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I can't seem to get ahead. Even an inch.

I started having chest pain last night, but I'm breathing ok. I called my dr. and he said as long as I'm not wheezing, or having trouble breathing, it's ok. I've tried using my nebulizer, and it's just not doing any good.

My boss told me today that I can't take any more time off, so I can't go to the dr. unless I go to the ER. I am so tired of being in so much pain. My back is also hurting, but I think it might just be from coughing, though I've been told it sounds like I have pneumonia. I'm frustrated, I'm freezing, and I am sick of being sick, all the time.

Let me go through Mama's list. I'll name the symptoms I've got now, or one's I've had before.

Physiological~~~

Muscle and joint ache...sometimes so severe, I can hardly move.

Severe PMS...when I have my period, not that often though.

Frequent urination...I ALWAYS have to go.

Chest pains...See above!

TMJ

Carpal Tunnel

Diabetes

Athsma

GERD

Cognitive~~~

ADD...was diagnosed with it a while ago, was on Adderall, it helped greatly, then they took me off of it for no reason.

Memory disturbance...I think most of it is from having so many ECT treatments.

Psychological~~~

Depression

Anxiety...once so bad I couldn't leave the house.

MAJOR mood swings

Other Nervous System~~~

Headaches

SEVERE muscle stiffness in the mornings

and lastly, muscle spasms.

Wow, I have a lot of these symptoms.

January 16, 2007
10:04 am
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78,

I am so sorry your chest hurts. I have my own experience with asthma and my sweet little son has a dustmite allergy and from time to time I have to use a nebulizer with him.

Sometimes it is nice to run the shower as hot as you can with the door closed. I do that then once it gets super steamy, I take a long bath. That way my muscle aches are being soothed and my lungs are feeling better. I don't think you would feel so dang cold either. 😉

(((78))) Wish I could be there to give you better comfort than that. I am a huggy person...so I can imagine putting a big towel on my lap for all your tears and letting you lay your head there and cry until it is all out...

Hey man, when I feel sad I wish someone would do that for me...so that is why i can imagine it so vividly.

Your muscles might be sore from the way you are holding yourself together with all the difficult breathing you are haivng.

I am going to find a post I made for mamacinnamon and post it next. It has all my fibromyalgia suggestions...maybe something there will make yopu more comfortable.

January 16, 2007
10:20 am
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Anonymous
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Here is my post i was talking about so you don't have to go searching:

Mamacinnamon,
I keep thinking out you and your fibromyalgia....The rest of my life might be screwed up, but my fibromyalgia is getting better.

http://www.amazon.com/Fibromya.....05-3453269

Here is a link to a great magazine I found at Whole Foods. The fibromyalgia association will put a stamp of approval on different products and therapy...not many stamps, but think they are on to something.

Here is what I liked and found during my journey looking for relief...but everyone is different so...for what it's worth, right?

Check out your feet: do you have morton's foot or overpronations or supination...My posture is better with these inserts. http://www.mortonsfoot.com/

I found them FM Aware.

o24 fibromyalgia spray...I love it.

http://www.o24.us/

Smells good and sooths pain...but DON'T get it in you eyes.

Often people with FM have myofascial pain too.

This book helps when you get a nagging pain and it is muscle related.

http://www.amazon.com/Trigger-.....38;s=books

As for pharmaceuticals, cymbalta has really made my pain less severe. It is an anti-depressant that doctors use on diabetics with neuropathy. Doctors are starting to prescribe it to people with other pain syndromes.

I gotta warn you...nausea for about a month a first, but I feel a lot better in terms of pain now.

I read "Treating and Beating Fibromyalgia" but it seems like some of the treatments are more out there than others.

What I gleened from it though, is that an allergy elimation diet is helpful. You go 2 weeks with out wheat (gluten), corn, soy, dairy, and nightshades (tomatoes, white potatoes, peppers, eggplant). Be prepared to eat a lot of rice and meat to survive and nuts too.

Then you re-introduce one food group at a time for one day. Eat 3 servings of it. Go back on the elimination diet for 3 days and go to the next food group. For some reason he says re-introduce dairy first.

He says you can eat butter during the diet too. (?)

Keep a journal of symptoms. If you have a severe reaction...I had diarhea and asthma with the nightshade group...take that food out of you diet for 6 months and slowly rotate it into your diet. lesser reactions 3 months.

I tried re-introducing suspect food twice while on the elim diet. I was already pretty sure about my wheat allergy, but this clarified things further. With nightshade the same thing happened again...so I have been cutting those out. I forgot and ate mashed potatoes during thanksgiving and started wheezing.

Do you have anything that has worked for you?

January 16, 2007
11:58 am
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TryingToLetGoAndMoveOn
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There is absolutely nothing wrong with the desire to be held, my love. That's a normal and natural feeling.

And, incase there isn't anyone with you, at the moment, then...why don't you perhaps try wrapping your arms around yourself, in a big, loving, caring warm, gentle hug? 🙂

Just a thought.

Take care.

Trying.

January 16, 2007
1:00 pm
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blondie30565
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Look, Depression is hard but keep pressing foward. There is a brighter day. I know how you feel but I will tell you one of the things that helped me without getting religious, forgiveness helped me. When I forgave those around me that had hurt me all my life, it helped me heal. Hope you get better

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