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I need desperately to be around other "creative souls....."
March 18, 2007
4:08 pm
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truthBtold
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I write, I sing, I dance, I play a mean blues piano....and I live in a depressing trailer park with negativity and drugs everywhere.

My fiancee is a good guy - but not a creative match.

I long to move back to Florida - but do not see that happening as I have limited financial resources and tried to do it with my last job without being fully prepared for the move and had to renig on the request to relocate because of lack of funds and no real plan actually.

Now - I'm gun-shy that I will never make it.

I hate fucking Atlanta! It's still a bible-belt part of the country with alot of ignorant rednecks who go around still waving the fucking confederate flag!!!!!!

AUUUGGGHHHHH!!!!!!

My finacee and I do love each other - but do not have that much in common as far as creative asperations are concerned.

I like poetry, he like sports. I like to dance, he doesn't - even if it is only once every six months or so...........

Am I doing myself an injustice by not hooking up with someone of like creative interests?

Creativity is very important to me.

When he finally heard me play the piano recently (after over a year that we have been together) he "jokingly" said that I was "showing off." I took that as a "put-down" - am I wrong?

I really hold nothing back when I play and give it all I got!!!!!! His own father bragged about me to others as I played for the first time in front of the two of them.

Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

I know that I am sensitive as my own father would tell me to "stop banging on that piano" growing up - while others that heard the same thing encouraged and bragged about me?

What do you suppose is real here in regards to my fiancee....and what is hitting smack dab on a trigger of yesteryear regarding my sorry-ass child molesting father??????

March 18, 2007
4:20 pm
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truthBtold
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..someone please respond.....been racking my brain over this.......]

(thanks)

March 18, 2007
4:29 pm
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ggfred4
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(((truthbBtold))), First, I am impressed with your creativity...NEVER deny it!!! I feel when people put down other people it is either due to jealousy or they are feeling low themselves and have to bring someone else down to make themselves feel better. So, it has nothing to do with you and your abilities...it is their problem.

My h and I do NOT have similar interests and it has caused a lot of problems. You have to compromise on some and each maintain your own identity. I LOVE to dance, he hates it. We don't like the same music or movies. He loves sports and I like it, but he wants to watch it and go to games 24/7 and doesn't understand why I don't want to. I like to write poems, but dare not tell him because I do not want to be made fun of and mostly I write them when I am depressed. I have given up my interests in the past and trying now to regain them back. It is too late for the dancing as I have aged a lot and have had major surgery on my knee. My message here: Do NOT give up your interests are your dreams EVER! That is who you are. Someone must love the "whole you".

As for as moving...just start over, make a new and improved plan...set some goals. Do not give up.

My father molested me, just thought I would add that.

gg

March 18, 2007
4:40 pm
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Rasputin
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Hey hon TBT,

I am sorry for the unpleasant situation you're living in.

Start baby steps every day. For instance, since your fiance and you don't have so many things in common...why don't you remain just "good friends" no stings attached or anything romantic?

The best book I can descirbe to you that helps you to re-oriente your life is "The purpose driven life" by Rick Warren. If you buy it from amazon.com...it shoudn't cost that much. In addition, find a good place of worship whereby you can feed your faith and find good folks who love you unconditionally just the way you are.

As for drugs...have you thought about joining a support group that can help you with drugs? They are free and everywhere, coda.org and many others. I Don't think that you can figure out your life & purpsoe while you're on drugs or surrounded with folks who use drugs or both.

In the meantime...I will keep you sweetie in my daily prayers.

Remember that a journey of one thousand mile starts with one single step. So hon start that journey today...as I said before with baby steps every day....and someday you are on your way to a more happy, meaningful, healthy, and porposeful life.

{{{Warm Hugs & Prayers}}}

March 18, 2007
4:41 pm
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truthBtold
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gg,

Thanks so much for your response.

I am just now sure if I should pursue my relationship with my fiancee based on our obvious differences?

I have been told by my sister and others that I "have talent coming out of my ass" - pardon the language and don't feel that I am in an environment which supports or acknowledges that to a certain extent.

The "creative" guys that I have been involved with in the past were great from a creative standpoint and exchanging different ideas and feeling the electricity of creative ideas ignite in the air......yet, were not very stable financially....or emotionally, to some extent - for that matter.

I'm just at a cross roads.

My fiancee has been out of town and says that he can't believe how much he aches for me and that I am really in his heart - and when we are together - it is the best sex that I have ever had.....really "making love" for the first time - and not just having sex........I just dunno.

whew. sigh. this is exhausting!!!!!

March 18, 2007
4:46 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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I envy people who have talent as you have and can lose themselve in it. It is difficult to have a relationhip in which you have no interests in common but not impossible. the important thing is to respect these things in each other IF that doesn't happen the realationship can crumble.

last christmas I was asked to play the piano for a church party. My husbgand hit the roof. it all resulted in a 3 week long fight and a suicide attmept by my husband. Well I ended up playing at church but was unhappy the whole time.

So just make sure he respects the time you need to play and pursue other things. Jokes like showing off I dont' think are as important as does he let you practice and do things with your skill..

I've lived in Atlanta It's big city I'm sure you can find some group there to encourage your talents.

March 18, 2007
4:49 pm
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truthBtold
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Ras,

Thanks for your response. I am not on drugs..........though I live among them in my trailer park....just wanted to be clear on that.

I'm just really frustrated and feel that my brain actually lacks the capacity to process change and the possibilities of good things in life to come.

I seem to stay in a constant state of confusion and frozen emotional state unable to make the connections - neurologically to process change.........

sucks!!!!!!

i'm just plain tired and worn out about all of this shit.

March 18, 2007
4:54 pm
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Rasputin
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That's why I assumed that either or...that even if you're surrounded by people who use drugs...it's an unhealthy atmosphere.

In order to grow emotionally...you need to surround yourself with healthy people. It is critical for your spiritual, mental and emotional growth.

March 18, 2007
5:03 pm
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truthBtold
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Ras,

I agree. The thing is - I have been living in this trailer park for well over 25 years now - most of my adult life.

And like in the movie "The Shawshank Redemption" - it's like at first - you really hate living in this atmosphere...then after a certain amount of time - you come to learn to accept it - and then - as more time passes - you become to rely on it...to become "institutionalized" as it were. (Are you familiar with this movie?)

That's where I am at. I have lived so long in this environment that I honestly don't know if I have the "wherewithall" to change anymore.

I honestly don't.

I think about suicide alot. I don't even know or remember what feeling hopeful would be like.

I think that life is grossly over-rated. Given a second chance - I would opt NOT to return to earth and would just stay put!

The real sad thing is - that I can hardly find anything anymore that inspires me like I used to. That used to keep me going. But now - hell, I'm just ready to throw in the towel and say - hell, I gave it a good run, now - I'm just fucking tired and want out.

March 18, 2007
5:11 pm
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truthBtold
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TT,

Posts crossed. Thanks for responding.

I don't even have a piano to play - at home - haven't had one in years.

I am so glad to hear that you ended up playing at your church party, regardless.

True, Atlanta is a big city - but it's not like the laid-back feeling you get like in Florida.

I grew up in Miami, Florida - and I guess that I just want to go home....to the land of flip-flops and shorts and where no one gives you a second glance if you happen to want to grocery shop in you bathing suit....................and there is not a confederate flag in sight..............

March 18, 2007
6:06 pm
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chelonia mydas
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TBT,

I can totally relate to the creative and intellectual constipation and frustration you are feeling. Although I have little artistic talents, my talent is in healing sick, injured and orphaned animals and plants. I have experienced many times where that was not valued and often even ridiculed.

No I don't think you are making a mountain out of a mole hill. These are your feelings and you need to address them. To ignore them will only add to your pent up feelings and issues.

I lived in rural South Carolina for a while- so I can also relate to the whole confederate flag irritation too. Having been raised in Colorado, I grew up thinking the confederate flag was the trademark for the Dukes of Hazzard. šŸ™‚ I too got real tired of that version of redneck bigot.

In all of my wandering around the country I have discovered that sometimes all it takes to move out of feeling so confined, restricted, unappreciated is to find the right group of people. For example, when in SC I discovered an organic vegetable co-op club and from there met a few like minded people that I could share my interests with. sometimes is it just a matter of continuing to search. Have you thought about starting a music group? Maybe post a sign at the local music store and other places where musically talented people hang out? Or see if there is one already started that you could join? I would really encourage you to find others who share your interests. It has helped me a lot (and being a strict vegetarian in rural South Carolina, rural Montana and deep south Texas, can be a challenge and would have been impossible without being around people who at the very least accepted it. In all of those locations I was the only strict vegetarian that I knew of).

There have been other areas where I have fit in better and have had a larger group of people who shared my interests and I long to return but haven't been able to becuase of finances. But just being with others who have similar interests and acceptance of things I enjoyed.

My stbx and I discovered that we didn't have a lot in common and we spent 14 years struggling to make it work. Now I am going through divorce, but feeling more free than I ever did with him.

Right now I have decided I am going to be myself and who ever wants to hang with me is welcome to and who ever wants to do something else is welcome to do that too. This has been one of the best things I have ever done for myself.

Who says you have to get married? Can't you support and love each other regardless? I didn't have a very good experience marrying someone with different interests... but I think the most important thing is that you communicate well and support each other as well as love eachother. We didn't communicate well at all.

You are a wonderful, worthy, talented person who deserves to be with people who support your passions and talents. It is up to you to ensure that you surround yourself with those people. If it means moving, than it is OK to move. If it means reaching out into the community, than it is OK to reach out and search for those people.

You were given this talent to enjoy and share with others who also enjoy it. Don't keep it in the closet collecting dust- it was never meant for that.

March 18, 2007
6:37 pm
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truthBtold
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Thanks Chelonia,

Your last sentence brought tears to my eyes.

I have in the past connected with other like minds in regards to poetry, painting and film writing and was really inspired and felt the electricity spark back and forth.

I guess that on one level, I am really comfortable and complacent about where I am........I am miserable....but it is familiar.

On the other hand - gosh - what would life BE like to commensurate with others of like creative minds?

I remember once I was with my ex husband at an Atlanta Arts Festival.....and I felt like I was in heaven. I felt just like a little butterfly going to this booth and that booth and discussing with the artists their particular crafts - gosh - it felt great....then I looked at the end of the row and saw my ex husband just standing there waiting for me to finish. Really put a damper on it - afterall those Gun & Knives shows I went with him and tried to stir up some curiosity and interest.

Now - I don't even do that anymore.

I know I sound like I am complaining..I guess I am just so STUCK and hopeless anymore that I guess that I will have to try and force myself to visualize myself in the company of other creative individuals.

I'm not prepared for that - I guess.

I have fallen into such an incredibly dark place - that that sounds almost impossible to do.

Maybe a first step would be to clean up my house and throw away alot of stuff that are reminders of my unhappiness and that keep me stuck.

God - I've got alot of clutter!!!!!!!

Maybe that's a first step - ya think?????

I get so confused so easily whenever I attempt to improve my life in even the smallest of ways that I just shut down altogether.........

baby steps I guess.......

Preparing my life and environment for good things to enter...........

March 19, 2007
8:37 am
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chelonia mydas
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(((TBT)))

Yes baby steps. Keep making them and in time it will amount to significant change.

Decluttering is a great place to start. I like the idea of throwing out sad momentos... I think I'll try to do that too.

Here is a website I found that I think might add a bit of light and creativity to your day...
http://www.artsinatlanta.org/

March 19, 2007
10:57 am
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Loralei
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truthB, your bf's comment about you showing off bothers me too. Does he tend to be really selfish and self-centered? Just wondering, since some people can't stand it when they aren't center stage and taking all the credit for something. Don't let great sex blind you to their flaws.

You are stagnating due to fear. Make a plan to put some money aside for a move. It might be cheaper to leave most of your stuff behind and start fresh at your new destination. I don't know what kind of work you do, but odds are you can find another job in a city more suited to you. If you start taking steps toward a new and better life, it will happen. And you can always find another bf, one who "gets" you. Don't settle for less than what you desire.

March 19, 2007
3:13 pm
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gracenotes
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truth,

I can really identiy with what you are saying here. For many years I stuffed my creative talents because I felt I needed to be in a mold for some guy or in a career to make good money. I have lived many places and some places I have lived have been absolutely stagnating. I live somewhere, in suburbia, that has a touch of redneck, but I just ignore it, but it sounds like its all around you. It must be awful being there. I cannot think of anything so anti-creativity as this redneck mentality, whatever it is.

Eight years ago I sat in a restaurant with my ex boyfriend and I felt like I was at the bottom of a hole. He was nice, but not really into what I was trying to do creatively. I was working in a respectable job, earning good money, and my soul just ached to get going on my creative pursuits and I wanted to go back to school full time to realize these dreams. I lived paycheck to paycheck and wanted to own a house. Will, nice ex disappeared one day, after I cried my eyes out, I decided to buy some property, I decided to go to a community college and take some classes in a field that interests me part time, I decided to buy the equipment and supplies I needed to get going. Even in that one class I took twice, I met like-minded people who I knew for years. I don't know where you are in Atlanta, but there is an arts scene somewhere, there are the arts everywhere. It may take some looking, but its there, and you can always take some classes at a community college. You can also buy an electronic piano for $100 and you can always make the time for what you want to do.

In this whole scenario, the ex never came back, many people left my life, or I chose to let other people leave my life over the years, because my creative dream was most important and new people came into my life who supported my vision.

Fast forward to now. I bought a house, I quit that job, I started working part time and rented out a room to make ends meet, I started attending school, part time at first, and then realized that money is always available for people to go to school for any reason. THat's really an amazing thing, but our society supports people going to school. That's the way the system works. Part time school went to full time, as my committment increased, the universe supported me in many ways. This fall I am going, in my 50's, to a top notch university, with a scholarship, to further my creative development. This fall, it becomes totally a full-time commitment.

At this point, I am single, and I do not think I want a relationship with anyone unless either they totally support what I am doing and/or they are in the same field. Sorry for an vagueness about exactly what this is, I need to maintain some anonymity here.

Go for it! It is only going to get stronger, this need to express yourself artistically as you enter mid life and, if you are like me, you MUST do this. You may not know how, just as I sat in that restaurant 8 years ago with a nice partner who cared about me, a great job, but at the bottom of a hopeless hole of dread about my life. It has totally changed now. I couldn't be happier.

March 19, 2007
3:54 pm
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horsefly
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TruthBtold, Although I am never the one at this time to give advise. That is because I am so caught up in my own hell.....I am a creative soul...everyone knows that about me. Atleast in the person world. I play guitar, dulcimer, and use to banjo. I love to paint and to barn art...Wood paintings an decoupage. On just about anything I can find I create . I have never been able to find a career except with horses and that didn't pan out.......I think my mind has been like that since I was a child... I color in coloring books just to pass the time...........I just want to empathize with you for a moment ...the last town I way living in I could find no one interested inthis stuff. I felt lonesome alot and actually felt stunned, I had been use to taking art classes and it was just anatural thing for me . I am now back in my home town where people know this and are supportive of my strong creative sense. What I do with this know is my own choice I guess...But I do know what it is like being around renecks and country pumkins that don't care if art is picture of playboy or a cheap piece of paer cut out of a magazine,,,,,teehee..horsefly

March 20, 2007
3:08 pm
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gracenotes
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Truth,

Where are you? Good responses here that may get you to the next level. Keep that creativity alive!

March 20, 2007
3:24 pm
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cyndra820
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Hi Truth,

How are you today? I am creative in that I write stories (short and ongoing) I also love to crochet and have made many an afghan and a few lace tablecloths. I also love to listen to music in most of it's forms (can't do bluegrass) and I sing a little. I love to create in the kitchen, but don't know if that's conidered artistic or not.

Never deny what's in your soul. If you need to be around other creative artristic people do it. See if there are any volunteer organizations that can use your skills. Offer to play at nursing homes and retirement communities around the area. Believe me, they are ALWAYS looking for something to entertain the residents. Offer to teach children in an after-care program if it fits into your schedule.

I don't know much about Atlanta, but I think you may be able to volunteer at one of the peforming arts venues. Check out atlantasymphony.org for additional opportunities.

I volunteer with a local singles volunteer organization. I can work a lot of the events and attend for free. I am going next month to see Dianne Reeves. I'm very excited.

I know it's hard when your partner doesn't share your passion. I can't say if you should or shouldn't be with someone who shares it. It depends on how important it is to you. I personally cannot be with someone who doesn't love animals. I would tell them we could be friends, but nothing more. So, if music is that important to you, it's something to really think about.

Best wishes,
Cyndra

March 21, 2007
12:26 am
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balancesekr
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TruthBTold,
That is awesome you have all those abilities. I am a creative person myself and have been with boyfriends who were not. Since you truly love music, art, poetry, being around someone who is into that as well would be nice, maybe it is something you and your fiance can share?

It makes sense that you were upset with what your fiance said to you. You asked how much how much is from today and what is from yesteryear...

You showing off, hmmm, maybe your fiance is not comfortable being the center of attention and it is as simple as that. Your father, sounds like he wasnt comfortable you having talent, you growing. Perhaps he did not want you to grow, or get away? So he would minimilize what you were doing. I can see how you would relate these to each other.

BTW Gracenotes, you are truly an inspiration! Your post makes me believe life has just begun!

March 21, 2007
12:02 pm
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gracenotes
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balance,

Thanks for you comment. I do try to be an inspiration, because, really, anything is possible. I just got my formal acceptance yesterday to the university I am going to. Yay!

And, I have no forgotten, that this need to be a creative soul and move forward and reinvent my life was filled with rocks and debris along the path, and a lot of personal learning and healing. The teacher who inspired me and helped me get started on my path, turned out to be an "n" and did a lot to undermine my good intentions, dumped me as a student, and I engaged in a codepedent/addictive thing to try to get this person to be in my good graces. Hmmm, well, that all on other threads. Just thinking about that today. I really have completely healed that and do not believe the teacher's idea of me anymore, but it was sure a struggle of years that was won as well. I harbor no ill will for this teacher. This teacher grew up in severe abuse and maybe does not know better, probably does not understand the effect she has on others. I needed this learning experience to understand my worth as a person. All my story of mid-life reinvention that continues on.

March 21, 2007
7:41 pm
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truthBtold
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Thank you all for your response!

I appreciate each and every one.

Sometimes, I take a break from these threads - just because.

I talked with a semi-famous pysic some years back, Patricia Mischell (I think that is here last name) She worked for a local police department somewhere in Ohio, I think, for years and would help them solve various cases (at no charge)

Anyway, she told me that I had something that very people had - and that was the gift of insight. She also told me that she felt that I had the capacity to heal by the laying of the hands.

I've never followed up as of yet because innately I feel that I have to get rid of my "junk" that blocks good stuff from channeling outward. (Kind of like those Drano foam commercials you see šŸ˜‰

I live paycheck to paycheck right now but am considering selling my awesome very hi-end stereo system to give me the money to move.

This is a tough call!

My stereo system has been my saving grace many of times.

I love that I can listen to a CD of say, someone playing the flute....and you can actually hear (if you listen carefully enough) the spit rattling inside of the flute a little bit..........

I love to listen to classical music very loudly and very clearly and Pink Floyd just sounds awesome!!!!!

Originally the complete system cost $10,000 about 10-15 years ago. I feel that I could sell it for maybe half or $5,000. today....maybe - I dunno.

Sure would hate to part with it - but think that I could if I knew it meant a new beginning for me as I could use the money to move bavk to Florida.

Anyway,thank you all for your wonderful responses.

tBt

March 21, 2007
9:08 pm
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truthBtold
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So, I'm asking you folks - should I sell my awesome system if it means a possible new beginning?

In the words of a popular new game show.........:

DEAL or NO DEAL??????????

šŸ™‚

March 21, 2007
9:11 pm
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ggfred4
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Absolutely!!! Material things cannot replace a chance at a new beginning!!! You can always get another one in your new life!

March 21, 2007
9:17 pm
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gracenotes
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truth,

Good to hear from you! That stereo system sounds like a way out of somewhere you hate living. I get the feeling you have mostly made up your mind about this. I am excited about moving this fall to go to school, etc. The idea of a fresh start is so appealing, especially after all the work I have done. Its not a totally new place for me, but have not been there much in decades.

What's in Florida? What is your plan?

And, maybe you psychic friend could give you some insight right now too. I do rely on my psychic friend. She is really right on about so many things and people.

March 21, 2007
9:44 pm
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truthBtold
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gg,

I'm making the connections here between our conversation about my idea and your great suggetions regarding the movie post - and your reply here.

I would love to read some of your poetry. Would you care to share it?

I can PROMISE you that I won't make fun.

As far as the dancing that you LOVE to do....so do I! Mostly "old school" R&B Soul from the 70's.

You talked about major surgery on your knee. I have a little story that - well, I don't think that I have shared with anyone else - except for my doctor............

Some years ago I was working on the job and I took a real bad fall and ended up breaking my left ankle so badly that I had to end up getting a metal plate with 6 screws put in.

I was driving a stick-shift at the time...and this was my "clutch foot."

Had I have been driving an automatic car - I would have been able to get around.

That's kind a sort of around the point.....truth is - I used to sit in my stick-shift truck with my foot in a cast and - like a 5-year old - would just sit there in the drivers seat and move the steering wheel around saying to myself.....vroom....vroommm - until the time that I actually was able to take that 1/4 mile trip - for real - to the complex post office and get my mail...finally and eventually....

Anyway, long story short - I was hell bent and DETERMINED not to let this injury effect my "special, original? dancing moves" which involved sort of a "cool sweeping motion - kind of - I would say - kind of like the moonwalk - only sideways...sort of...."

So, little by little, I started to dance and as I started to get better and went back to the doctor for follow up - he told me that he had never, in his entire practice, ever seen someone so mobile and agile given the extent of my operation.

I told him that I just couldn't give up my special dancing moves...and preceded to show him right there in the office.

I forced myself to be limber - to the extent that I needed to move and groove to the music.

I have the Temptations, Cameo, Sly, Ohio Players, Billy Preston, Staple Singers, Earth, Wind & Fire, Al Green and Gladys Knight....complete with ALL of her Pips to thank for "keeping it real" - as I'm a 46 year old white woman!!!!!

Maybe YOU can too gg,....get back into dancing - real slow and easy at first....then take it from there.

Ain't nothing like turning them shades down low and letting your body and soul soar into the music.

Just can't beat it!!!!!!!!

In closing, please DO consider posting one of your poems, I certainly would love to read one!!!!!!!

Your kindred creative soul,

tBt

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