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I need courage
March 8, 2007
8:01 pm
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luvhurts
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I am 25 . Very difficult childhood , On my own @ 17, Met a guy 12 years older & still with him 8 years later. He is an addict & has abused me physically many times. The emotionally abuse is far worse , His words cut like a knife. I have given my all, Co-dependent is what I am. I want a family & normalcy in my life so badly, He doest treat me with respect however I can't seem to let go.. WHY????

March 8, 2007
9:42 pm
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2shy
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luvhurts, you really need to take care of yourself. You are putting your life in danger. The abuse can escalate and eventually it can kill you.

You should make an appointment with a psychiatrist. A doctor can help you with your childhood issues and your codependence. If your guy hits you again, you should report it to the police. My ex hit his ex-wife and she had reported it to the police and he had to report himself to the police station each month. As terrible as my fights were with him during our relationship he never laid a finger on me. I am sure if he knew he would be able to get away with it I am sure he would have hit me too.

I hope you build the courage to leave him. You are still very young. Don't waste your life on a man who abuses you?

Keep posting here. Acknowledging your problem is a step closer to recovery.

March 8, 2007
9:44 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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keep us in touch. Get your courange up and find a safe place to run to and then run.
You have a full life ahead of you. don't waste it on a loser.

March 9, 2007
12:47 am
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jewel
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Luv,

What the above posters wrote is true. I am also 25. I wouldn't put up with someone disrespecting me like that. If you get yourself safe and out of the situation, your quality of life will rise greatly. Stay safe. Stay away from him. He is hurting you, therefore it is not safe for you to be around him. What good does he do for you? Think about it for a minute. He thinks you are always going to listen to him. No more of this. You wrote on here that you have a problem so that is the first step. Next is the hard part-acting on it. Your safety and well being are more important than being in that relationship. Do you live together?

Jewel

March 9, 2007
9:39 am
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LA Rosa
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Hi lovehurts,

Perhaps you've been finding it difficult to develope a plan to leave as safely as possible... and then be able to recover from the trauma that you have suffered? We're here to help you.

As he was 12 years older when you met him at the vulnerable age of 17, that is a big concern in itself. Just because you haven't already left him does not necessarily mean that you are 'codependent though. Maybe you are... but it may really be a case of not having some simple options to make it any better. Just because you're weighing the balance and hanging in there doesn't mean there's something fundamentally wrong with you either. Abusive relationships thrive on you thinking less of yourself. You're facing some difficult choices and changes ahead... and that can be scary to start with, and naturally so.

The power balance is obviously way in his favour and it does sound very dangerous for you to be with this man, particularly because abuse escalates over time.

There are probably lots of reasons 'why' you haven't left him already, good reasons, or at least very understandable reasons. Here are some questions to ask yourself...

* Did your relationship start out in a positive way?

* Did your partner change after you were in a committed situation, when it was difficult to just break things off?

* Did you hold a reasonable hope that things would improve?

* Have you been putting up with bad treatment for a higher purpose, like trying to make the best of it... until you can leave it?

If your answer is 'yes' to these questions, then you should feel that you are coping with a very difficult situation that you did not create. One that couldn't have been helping you to realise your true potential or worth, and one that's steadily bringing you down physically and mentally. It's the mental effects of being in an abusive relationship that have made you ask the very relevant question "WHY????" can't I seem to let go. I'll post a much more comprehensive explanation than I could give you soon.

Look forward to leaving, because that's when things will be much better. Even before you leave, just realising that you 'are' going to plan your escape (advisably without him knowing since he's also physically abusive), that you'll be making yet another step forward for you. Keep in touch and take as much care as you can. Best wishes.

La Rosa

March 9, 2007
4:31 pm
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LA Rosa
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Hi lovehurts,

Even though you may have been wondering 'why' you can't seem to leave him, the thing is that you've been coping with a lot of abuse and naturally haven't been functioning the way you would otherwise.

Abusive relationships cannot help but have a powerful psychological effect/impact on victims. You may have been continually having to contend with any mumber of the following emotions or behaviours and more...

*Fear... that you cannot protect yourself (and children too if that is the case). Feeling paralysed and unable to make decisions. * Guilt... that it's your fault. * Haaving the belief that you are responsible for the abuse. * Controlled - by an expert. * Agitation, anxiety and chronic apprehension - a constant state of alertness that makes it difficult to sleep well. * A sense of hopelessless, helplessness or despair because you may have believed you could never escape the control of your abuser. * Manipulated - in so many ways. * Low self-esteem - worthless. * Minimize abuse. * Humiliated - shame. * Betrayed - lied to - your human rights trampled over. * Isolated - abandoned. * Having a belief that you deserve the abuse. * Having the belief that *Ignored. * Self-doubting - confused. * Embarrassed. * Feeling insulted - demeaned * Depressed.

So you can see you've been coping with heaps lovehurts, and it's certainly not your fault. These are many of the reasons in which he's been wearing you down. Why? Because he wants to have control... that he won't be intending to let go of, along with other things. The main thing right now is to try and stay as safe as you can, that's what I did when I was in an abusive relationship, and just kept in mind that I would leave as soon as it was possible. Take care.

La Rosa

March 9, 2007
5:38 pm
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lettingo
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luvhurts,
Just want to say if you want a "normal", life you will never get that with an active addict. Trust me, I just divorced my addict/alcoholic husband. The last few years were a nightmare and anything but normal. Get help. This is an addiction on both your parts.

March 9, 2007
6:27 pm
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truthBtold
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When I was in a physically abusive relationship about 15 years ago - I finally reached my breaking point and realized that I was "damned if I do and damned if I don't."

Then I knew I had to get out.

I had formulated a Plan for leaving him and told him on such and such a day - we are through.

Because of the type of person he was - I didn't want a knock-down, drag-out fight - so I lied and said that it was all my fault and that we should part ways.

I had money saved on the side and had a place lined up to live. I worked full time and had adequate monies to support myself.

When the day came (I marked in on the calendar) - I indeed left and never looked back.

He couldn't argue with me since I admitted (untruthfully) that I was the cause. I did and said what I had to do in order to just GET OUT with minimal drama and violence and swallowed my pride.

Your purpose now is to start devising a plan on the side to get out - if you haven't already.

That's been my experience anyway.

Please do keep us posted luvhurts - because love doesn't and shouldn't have to hurt in these ways.

Enlisting the support of trusted friends and family is also key as you make the transistion to get out as soon as possible!

March 11, 2007
9:20 pm
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luvhurts
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Thanks ,
It's hard for me because I dont have the support of my family, My mother makes fun of my life & circumstances. Which makes me feel even more worthless. She has never been there for me the way a mother should & it hurts me deeply! She has a way of bringing me down to my lowest at times. I'm having a tough time now, Trying to move ahead but my feelings of worthlessness always seem to kick in. I try so damn hard to do the right thing, Im always kind & giving to people but I get treated like I'm nothing. I feel like a joke most of the time......

March 12, 2007
1:37 am
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Anonymous
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(((Luvhurts))) It´s amazing how difficult it is to find excuses for mothers like yours and mine. I can say for mine she had a pretty unloving mother too. But dont let it be your excuse and undermine your power to seek the life you deserve and are capable of having. All the best.

March 12, 2007
3:00 am
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Worried_Dad
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luvhurts

"I can't seem to let go.. WHY???? '"

You have been with this guy and probably dependent on him in some ways since you were 17 years old.

That is a long pattern to break.

Also, an abusive relationship will have changed you such that it is harder for you to imagine getting along without your abuser.

Also, you probably love the man, and wish and hope things could get better.

You don't have to beat yourself up or label yourself "codependent" to understand your problem or to solve it.

Just give yourself a break. Anyone, certainly any 17 year old can be subdued by means of abuse.

Study what has happened to you, and what it means for your life.

Question: Do you believe that

You really "need" this man?

You "owe him" something?

March 12, 2007
4:56 am
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LA Rosa
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Hi luvhurts,

I'm so sorry you haven't had your mother there to give you some encouraging support when you need it most. For her to make fun of your life and circumstances tells me that she is full of her own personal unresolved issues. That being the case, you should try to realise that this is why she is so insensitive to your needs. As difficult as I know it must be, you mustn't let her influence your sense of self-worth any more. Honestly luvhurts, there are just some mothers who have no idea what they put their kids through... especially daughters! No doubt though, the man who's been abusing you would've been very aware of all that too, and would've known he could manipulate you so much easier. The important thing is to put aside these people's negative words and behaviours, as they were never intended to be of any help to you, only intended to help them, and do not let it interfere with your plan to move on... as SAFELY and as soon as possible. Do you have anyone who may be able to help you where you are? Keep putting that little bit of money aside for when you do go. It will be so much better for you to be out of there... and depending where you are of course, there will probably be some Woman's Aid/Refuge resources available for you... if you need to leave in a hurry, or not. I has taken courage to come this far and you can take it further because you certainly DO have it. Stay as safe as you can, keep in touch and take care.

La Rosa

La Rosa

March 12, 2007
5:01 am
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luvhurts
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Thanks again for the input on my situation.
No, I don't feel as though i need him or owe him a thing . Yes i love him , now though it's more in a way of caring for him & worrying about him. Being in love like i was has faded over time due to his actions & even more his cruel words to me when I loved him with all my heart.
I do have some thinking / searching to do within myself to know & understand how i've come to this place in my life.. I certainly don't want to continue being a crutch any longer! I want to be loved for who I am & not what I do for another. I want a healthy family & babies one day. I'm happy I found you guys on here. I have no one else to talk to.
Thank you....

March 12, 2007
1:33 pm
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reachingout
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Also keep in mind most of the time the longer you stay the harder it is to leave.You need to get out before you learn to accept this treatment as the norm and if you do then leave end up with the same kind of person you are so young don't let this happen

March 12, 2007
3:19 pm
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nappy
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Luv, I'm very sorry to hear what you have been through. I know that at that age of being young, you want the house with the little picket fence and the children. And I sure we all did, but being here on this site let you know that it was only a dream and this is reality.

I wish that I could speak to all of the young women that is getting hook up with an older gentleman.

These mens knows exactly what they are doing. It has been going on from one generation to the next but somewhere in there we are not really telling the truth about this situation.
The mens are getting younger women for the mere fact of trying to control them. The man will do anything in his power to in force the power of control, even beating them. We all thought it was all about the sex but it wasn't. My mother married young at (14) and my father was much much older but she was in love. After he took her from her family, then that is when the trouble begin. I'm sure she didn't know what was going on and probably was scared of my father but she went through pure hell being married to that man. Thank god I don't know all of what she went through with him even before she had kids.
By learning of my mother,and what she went through with my father, I have a real low tolerant of being hit. I have a real low tolerant of being controlled. You wouldn't get that first lick in on me because I would and will hit you back. Mens are stronger then womens and they will beat you and beat you if you let him. When he hit you that first time, you should of see it then because once they hit you the first time, they will continue to beat you because you are letting them and that they already know that they have put the fear of god in you and you is not going to do anything.

You womens need to stand up and take a stand with your life. We can get on this board and complain and complain but it take you and only you to get yourself together.

I wish that I could of told this to my mother, she did finally leave my father but after being beating up so much that the beating cause her cancer and she died. That right there taught me that I am a woman and I refuse to let anyone beat on me. I don't care who they are. It is not right and why should you allow for someone to take out his anger on you. You are not a punching bag.

After the verbal abuse and the beating, what are your feeling toward him? It use to make me so mad after my father would beat my mother, then there she go acting nice and doing little things for him, out of fear and then when he would beat her face in, then he wants to have sex. I use to ask my mother why, and she could never answer me but she did found out that after leaving him, her life was starting to be much brighter but it was to late.

March 12, 2007
6:59 pm
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luvhurts
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As far as feelings... I've lost hope with the relationship, I know things will never be "right" & I'd never fully be able to give 100 percent again.
My pain is too deep. I guess I'm still here today because well ????
I dont know honestly, I guess it's a pattern & I've in a way accepted this life. I don't want to!!!! I'm so pissed at myself because I can say all day long I won't tolerate it anymore but I never do anything about it... What is it I'm not seeing, accepting, hell I don't know what am I doing?

March 12, 2007
7:43 pm
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atalose
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Your in a place called "stuck". And stuck seems to have no doors to make an exit by.

Getting un-stuck takes time and you have already taken a step in the direction you need to go, you came here and are talking about your feelings and situation and asking for advise from others who have been where you are right now.

Do you have the financial means to go to counseling for yourself? If not, what about al-anon meetings in your area?

Do you work and have any income? Making an exit plan is very helpful because it takes time, and gives you more and more confidence everyday you work towards your plan.

Keep posting and know you are worth a decent life and getting one is not impossible, it takes work on your part but it is possible to leave this situation for the kind of love you want and deserve.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

March 12, 2007
7:55 pm
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luvhurts
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Oh, Im gonna leave 4 sure!
He's sick. He has been chatting with women online & one just called, He talked to her in my HOUSE!
Im so gone. LOSER!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm not gonna say a word to him about it, He doesnt deserve to speak to me.

March 12, 2007
8:47 pm
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LA Rosa
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Dear luvhurts,

Here's one way of looking at it that you may relate to and hopefully will help you understand more clearly. There may unfortunately have come the time when you felt you'd no other choice but to accept certain things in your life, no matter how reluctantly or unsuredly, and as you've gone along putting up with these truly unacceptable things, you may have also had to rationalise 'why' you were doing so. As you're doing this, you wouldn't have realised it at the time, but you were also forming the exceedingly bad habit of undermining yourself... to the extent that you start doubting yourself and found it more difficult to believe in who you really were/are. Becoming increasingly disorientated and needing to struggle to retain your sense of self, in an environment that continually confirms all your self doubting to be an actual truth, the longer you stayed. This is one way you could've been affected... a form of brainwashing, used by manipulators out for total control. But do not let that scare you as there is much hope for you. Once you become more aware of what you've been through... you can steadily erradicate their power over you, and they will cease to have a hold of you. That is what can happen if you give tourself a chance. You need your own cooperation in doing this however, and I would just like to remin you that YOU are surely worth at least that much.

Let me ask you to consider how you really feel about...

* Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this man?

* Do you really want to have children with this man?

* Do you trust this man to care for your needs and the needs of your children?

Sometimes if we ourselves have gotten used to bad treatment, it can be a whole different scenario once innocent children are needing to be considered also. Try to answer these questions honestly, basing your answers on the man he is right now - NOT on the man you think he can be, wants to be, or might be. Deep down you know the kind of man he is. BTW, if you wouldn't accept this man to be a loving father, then you really may have blurred the fact that you do not deserve to be accepting him as an unloving spouse/partner to you. That is just to start with.

This situation you are in ((luvhurts)), was not brought about by any lack or fault of your own. You really can put this behind you... and go on to live your life... you could then (for example) meet with someone who will show you the dignity that we need, along with encouragement and much more, that has not been forthcoming. Help yourself heal from this trauma - show yourself some love that won't hurt and progress. If you need something to motivate you to proceed in leaving this 'man'... then perhaps a thought ahead to what it would really be like if you also had to concern yourself about your children's safety... may just be what you need right now. Stay as strong and as safe as you can luvhurts... and good to see you keeping in touch.

La Rosa

March 12, 2007
8:51 pm
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LA Rosa
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Sorry 'bout that luvhurts, I missed your last posting. Take care

La Rosa

March 12, 2007
10:26 pm
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luvhurts
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Thanks for caring, I'll make it, I'm leaving him!
Ive already started to pack, Im going 2 hours away from all this pain.
I'll keep in touch.

March 13, 2007
4:01 am
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luvhurts
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Today is a new day & I will make the most of it.

March 13, 2007
5:49 am
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LA Rosa
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Hi luvhurts,

Well done! It's great news that you've made up your mind to leave! How are you and are you already making your plan to move? Do you need any assistance to leave safely? If you think it is wise, I do believe that you can actually ask the police to escort you away. It might be worth checking that out. If he finds out you're going to go... he could feel very threatened that he'll lose control over you, which could put you in danger, so best not to mention that to him... as far as I can tell it's much safer for him to think it's just another day. You know what I mean? Stay safe as you can, keep in touch and take care.

La Rosa

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