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I need courage! Help!
November 9, 2004
9:45 am
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Katkeyper
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I'm the cowardly lion...oddly enough, a Leo as well! I'm struggling with the need to break up with my 5.5 year relationship and do not have the courage to do so. I used to be afraid to be alone, but not so much anymore...I cherish my time alone now to the point that when he comes over - he's invading my time and space. Everything is a hassle...and I just don't have time or patience for it anymore.

However, now I'm afraid of the guilt I'll have after crushing this man's heart to pieces. He constantly talks about a future for us...and I've been honest and have said, "don't count on it" in various ways. I feel responsible for his happiness, regardless of the lack of my own in this relationship. I've completely lost my identity through his control, manipulation and lack of respect...and 99% of the time, he has no clue he's this way (honestly, trust me, he has no clue and my closest friends understand this of him).

I will be on medical leave for pain managment for Fibromyalgia in Dec. Part of the program includes therapy. I either need to use it to gain the courage to break up or help get over him should I'm able to do so before then. However, I feel I need that time to heal...

I feel I'm in a void - no not like "depression" - but stuck. When someone breaks up...someone's going to be hurt - unfortunately, it will be both of us as I share the burden of it all.

My boyfriend is 16 years older...another issue. At 54, he's indicated he'll "never love again" if we don't work out, etc. And honestly, he probably won't. Everyone has always left him or died and he'll be too afraid to try again. That pains me...it's sad and I know it's not my responsibility, but yet, I don't have the tools to not take it on.

HELP.

November 9, 2004
9:49 am
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Zinnie
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I thought you guys had broken it off, but worked it out and were getting married?

What has changed?

November 9, 2004
10:31 am
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Katkeyper
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Hey Zinnie...

No, still living in separate houses. As of the spring when we broke up and got back together...he made same promises of change and indicated that one day he wanted to marry me, create a future together. I said time would tell, and that there was a long road ahead before that could ever happen. We talked about living together, renovating his house, renting or selling my townhouse...but it was talk...it scared the crap out of me. I think it was my gut warning me it was a bad idea to...merge.

After the "honeymoon" period of breakup and make up was over (fairly quickly) and we were back where we were, I realized that 1), he can never change because he doesn't see a need...2) I have my own issues that need change...3) between the unresolved issues, we just can't get on the same page and 4) because of our personal issues, we can't seem to change for the better for ourselves. It's a rut, will always be a rut. That's what it is.

I don't see a future. I can't get out. I go back to him out of guilt or fear. That's not how I want to live my life.

November 9, 2004
10:53 am
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CAMER
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Hi Kat, i used to deal with the same issues, i have a history of long term relationships, never married any of them and at the age of 39 I am still alone, just dating now. Sometimes these breakups need to be done when you are "ready". Have you tried to take a "break" from him and move ahead, and try not to worry about how the other 1/2 feels??? I too feel the
"guilt" of hurting others when I am not happy myself, and stay in it cuz I
don't want to hurt them. I still go thru this phase. Keep thinking of YOU and what you want, and hopefully someday soon you can muster the courage to just end it, without turning back and know you did the right thing for YOU. I need to take this advice myself! I wish you well.
((camer)))

November 9, 2004
11:11 am
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Katkeyper
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My friend Denise says the same thing...I have to be ready this time to do it so I don't end up back with him. My fuse is getting very short.

Take a break rather than just break up? Is that what you are saying? I'd thought of that, but then, I feel I have no intentions of going back and would that be fair to give him hope when there is none? Then he'll badger me with that and there's MORE guilt!

As much as I don't want to worry about his feelings, I do...thus the problem. How do you NOT think about it? I know what I don't want, but am not clear of what I do as I've married two idiots and now though not married to this one, I feel like I'm asking for a divorce.

November 9, 2004
11:16 am
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workinonit
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Hi Kat, I've been here since June and don't remember you so it's nice to meet you!

My first ex used to ask me, will you love me forever?, and I would think, God, forever is a long frikkin time!.

So, I realized I could not do this to either one of us but most especially to me. I had been with him since 16 years old! What a waste of my life that would have been! I can only say, you need to think about the things you might do without him in your life! Maybe there is another path you will never see because he's in the way?

Good luck with your decision but my vote is...get on with it!

(((((((((((((HUGS FOR STRENGTH))))))))))))))))

November 9, 2004
11:33 am
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kathygy
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Kat, You are not doing your bf a favor by staying with him if you do not see a future. You owe him the truth the sooner the better so he can get on with his life. He may have said he'll never love again but I wouldn't believe it. Anyway, if he doesn't that's a choice he's making. He can chooose differently. You are not responsible for how he chooses to run his life if you break up with him. Don't drag it out for both of your sakes. Remember a relationship takes two people. He has a big contribution to the relationship not working. He said he sees no need for change. He's digging his own grave. It not your fault so don't take it on. Be true to yourself and honor your truth. He deserves to be witha woman who wants a future with him and you don't.

November 9, 2004
12:43 pm
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Katkeyper
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Workinonit...are we with the same guy? He said the same thing about 6 years ago...I said I couldn't promise forever....I think I quoted something from the beginning of that Prince song as well...

Even if I'm not sure what the path is, I do know that he is in the way...but I get more angry with myself sometimes for still being in it and going through the daily hassle that makes up our relationship.

Kathygy...I see your point totally, and I have been honest with him...but he is in major denial...keeps thinking I'll get on his bandwagon one day and we'll play the same tune. But we've never been on the same page at the same time. He's got his love blinders and he can't see things the truth even when I'm brutally honest.

There are boundary issues - he doesn't accept "no" and I can't seem to enforce it...thus the problem. I've never been able to make a clean get away after a breakup because he HOUNDS Me - via email, phone, he'll show up at my door. I even changed my locks last time as I was SURE it was over and didn't want to even HAVE to ask for the keys back. I was willing to leave whatever belongings I had at his house just not to go back. He's like herpes...he just won't go away! And then...I break down and the infection starts all over again...(yes, this is a metaphor!).

I KNOW it is all really up to me to put an end to it and move on. REALLY, I want to. I've tried before. He puts up a real good fight to get me back...but not in keeping me on a daily basis. I know we both deserve someone who makes us happy on a daily basis and for a longterm future...and on one hand...who knows what the future will hold?

We are both driven by our fears...and until we can both conquer them, we can't make it together or with someone else down the line. Know this...just don't have the tools to do it.

I appreciate the support and faith...keep it coming...It's theraputic, it helps, really it does.

November 9, 2004
12:51 pm
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Anonymous
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Dear Kat,

I would ask you to consider that by keeping this man in your life, you may be taking from him an opportunity to learn. He needs to learn what he likes and doesn't like about himself. He needs to find the strength to focus on what he wants changed and then figure out how to do that work. As long as he stays with you, he can keep his head in the sand and convince himself he must not be that bad since he has someone as wonderful as you.

Letting him go will be painful for him, but it just might be the catalyst he needs to make some huge transformations. I know it would be for you!

Love,

Ren'ai

November 9, 2004
12:57 pm
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workinonit
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Man Kat, He sure sounds like the same guy but unless you are in PA we shouldn't worry!

My ex fought off the end for a long time too but I can't believe you changed the locks and he still wormed his way back!!!

You need to get angry I'm afraid. It's the only way to stay focused on your own needs sometimes. It is very codep but hey, at least you are looking for an out!!

Come on girl, we're here, just do it!!!

November 9, 2004
1:47 pm
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Katkeyper
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Did I mention that this man is 54 years old...has been married three times (once for 13 years) before meeting me? He still hasn't figured it all out, I'm guessing he won't...because most men (remember, I said MOST) are not willing to ask for help, get help or accept the fact they need help. Alas, he probably will stay alone if he gives up...I know it's not my responsibility, but after almost six years together, it's hard to just back off...one day we will be friends, as we will continue to have to work together on a professional level (not daily).

Workinonit- well, then watch out...one of best friends in is PA and she dated the "same" man too! 😉

The last time I broke up, I was REALLY angry...with him, but mostly myself. I knew it was over. He cried, he made promises, he said he didn't want to be a bad person, he wanted to change...but it was in one ear and out the other after he won the conquest. Now he's back to not having a clue again how he can be and why it makes me unhappy.

I'm not sure I can even get angry anymore - I'm completely indifferent (but I don't feel depressed).

I know I need to "just do it" - but HOW? I know the routine and how he'll come back. He knows my weak. I need a new approach...so I read these boards and ask for help hoping to find learn something I can use. Get Angry is a start!

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