Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
I need advice---please!!!
September 15, 2003
10:31 pm
Avatar
Btrfly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

OK, so I dont know if you remember, but I was trying to end a relationship and we decided to remain friends. We are back together. I know this sounds bad, but I'm really not sure. I know looking from the outside in, onw would easily say- you should not get involved with someone who drinks. But from the inside I'm already involved, and I really care about this person. He does try to keep moving his life forward, and I believe that on his own, he will deal with his drinking and all his other problems. We have been very openly discussing things. Being honest , caring and affectionate. I mean here I am, obviously not perfect. I dont want someone to walk away from me because of that. I do deserve better than a relationship with an alcoholic. But this man has treated me with more caring and respect and kindness than I've never known. He truly keeps on trying to give and grow. So I'm not sure what to do.

September 16, 2003
11:51 am
Avatar
unhappy camper
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Btrfly
I don't want to rain on your parade.

However, it depends what shape he is in. How much does he drink? Does it destroy your lifestyle? My husband was never available to go out or drive or anything except drink. What other problems does he have?

If he can remain in full possession of his faculties that would be a good start. Can he afford to spend the money on the booze?

Keep one eye open my dear. If it starts to stink....you'll know. So don't fully commit yourself if possible. Take it slow and easy. Are you living together?

Be careful. I hope for the best for you and him. 🙂

September 16, 2003
11:57 am
Avatar
gingerleigh
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

When you say that he drinks, is he an alcoholic, or a social drinker? Do you yourself drink? If you do drink in moderation and he is an alcoholic, that can be a tough mix, for you and for him. Like UC says, keep your eyes open.

September 16, 2003
2:06 pm
Avatar
Btrfly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

ok, yes I know I need to keep one eye open. I think he is an alcoholic. But I was always under the impression that even if you only had 2 drinks a night, and you couldn't live without those you had a problem. He makes a vetry good living. He has his own landscaping business. He does quite well. He always takes me out to dinner or the movies, etc. We have dinner at his moms every Sunday. He has his daughter 4 days a week. I do not kive there, but i am there probably 4 nights a week. If we dont go out we just stay home. He always makes dinner for us, and we hang out and watch movies, tv, whatever. He knows he drinks too much. He drinks beer every night. Atleast 3or 4. But I would say that 3 nights a week, he gets pretty toasted. Sometimes he drinks whiskey. It's usually like on a Saturday, while he has people over to watch football, and they all drink and hang out. They are not usually loud or wild. Everybody is gone by 11. He is never mean or obnoxious. Will never drive if he has had anything to drink. Is always very kind to me and everybody he knows. I really love him, I see so much good in this person, and I've seen him try to grow. But arnt we suppose to look for healthy people and stay clear of those that arnt.

September 16, 2003
2:35 pm
Avatar
unhappy camper
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

What are the negatives? What is worrying you?

My first husband was a heavy drinker but nothing like my 3rd husband who is the alcoholic. He will actually drink himself to death. It's really serious. My dad and all his relatives drank like no tomorrow, but they all went to work and did ok with life. My husband is unable to cope.

Your guy may not be an alcoholic. But then, there may be various degrees.

September 16, 2003
2:42 pm
Avatar
gingerleigh
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

So what warning bells are going off for you? What you describe sounds more like you are trying to convince yourself more than anyone else. Is there something you are trying to ignore or not think about that is bugging you? What does he do that makes you feel like he isn't "healthy"? Something about him does not meet with your "approval". What is it?

September 16, 2003
5:33 pm
Avatar
Btrfly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I think the problem is me honestly. When I met him we hit it off right away adn there was just something about him. I see so much good in him. But I did notice right within 2 weeks he drank alot more than I felt ok with. Plus he will have a beer in front of his duaghter.I dont ever drink in front of my kids. In the past I would stay in any situation. Abuse, drugs, booze anything, to keep the relationship. I'd make excuses and change my values. I've always been so desperate for love. As recovering people arent we suppose to look for people without these problems? I do not want to repeat past mistakes. I fear thats what I'll do. I see so much good in him, but dont we always? And his affection and relating skills had me worried, but we are communicating and working on that. I can be very mean to him. I want to be valued so much, that I want the fairy tale prince. That rides in, brings me flowers and buys me diamonds, because He sees I'm worth it. He falls very short of this. But isnt it really the samr thing if he is sweet to me, cooks for me and picks me flowers instead? Maybe I do have to teach him, but he tries. I guess I want him to get it all perfect on his own

September 16, 2003
5:34 pm
Avatar
Btrfly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I think the problem is me honestly. When I met him we hit it off right away adn there was just something about him. I see so much good in him. But I did notice right within 2 weeks he drank alot more than I felt ok with. Plus he will have a beer in front of his duaghter.I dont ever drink in front of my kids. In the past I would stay in any situation. Abuse, drugs, booze anything, to keep the relationship. I'd make excuses and change my values. I've always been so desperate for love. As recovering people arent we suppose to look for people without these problems? I do not want to repeat past mistakes. I fear thats what I'll do. I see so much good in him, but dont we always? And his affection and relating skills had me worried, but we are communicating and working on that. I can be very mean to him. I want to be valued so much, that I want the fairy tale prince. That rides in, brings me flowers and buys me diamonds, because He sees I'm worth it. He falls very short of this. But isnt it really the samr thing if he is sweet to me, cooks for me and picks me flowers instead? Maybe I do have to teach him, but he tries. I guess I want him to get it all perfect on his own

September 16, 2003
5:55 pm
Avatar
unhappy camper
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Most men are not demonstrative. They need hints. It seems his drinking is really bothering you. That seems to be the bottom line. Do you agree?

September 17, 2003
9:23 pm
Avatar
Btrfly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

yes I do agree. Last night he and I had a long talk. He says it really troubles him. He says every day that he tells himself that today he wont drink, but he always does. Even though he may not drink to the point where he is drunk, he has to have some. He is considering rehabab. He went to the church we go to today and talked to someone.

September 19, 2003
3:28 am
Avatar
Zinnie
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Butterfly,

It sounds that if he does really have a problem, he is aware, and WILLING to get help for it. This is a good sign.

Kudos to you though for growing out of staying in a relationship just to be in one even if it was bad for you.

But this guy? Sounds like he has a lot of good going for him, and if he is thinking he has a problem, and is genuinely trying to get help for it, great. You may end up together forever, or only friends, or in the end you may part, but at least he is open to suggestions, and willing to try.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

Love,
Zinnie

September 19, 2003
8:53 am
Avatar
unhappy camper
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

That is encouraging indeed! 🙂

I hope he will go to AA too after rehab. They say alcoholics are prone to relapses and that is scary.

But I think you both want to suceed in this relationship.

My first husband had a low sperm count because of overdrinking and we couldn't have kids. He tried to blame me but I had 2 kids right after I divorced him.

Alcohol also effects the brain and organs. It causes lots of damage, including social problems.

I hope he can find a way to enjoy himself with you that will be a good substitute for booze. I wonder why he chooses to go there? What is he trying to hide from in the bottle?

All my best wishes,
camper

September 19, 2003
11:49 am
Avatar
artist 2
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Butterfly,

He has a drinking problem. He is an alchoholic. Are you ready and willing to spend you energy dealing with that? It also sound like he knows he has a problem, but the problem feels better than the solution - which is to COMPLETELY stop drinking. It takes some people years to stop. Are you ready to spend the next several years helping him?

It's wonderful to love and care about a special someone, beautiful to feel love, special to become a part of someone's life... but you might think this over.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
33
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111020
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38570
Posts: 714311
Newest Members:
cosmo789, bravelassie, Chloe12, future life, austinjacob, Hadity1
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information