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i need advice...i think im over reacting
November 26, 2008
3:54 am
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pinky
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I'm trying my hardest to understand why men play games. My guy never comes out and says what he really wants instead he makes comments and test me to see what reaction he gets then he blames me for complaining if I responsed back to his comments. What could I do to not argue when he does this? I'm in a real fragile state and feel as if do everything wrong already. I ask him why he does this and apologizes but then will do it again next time. Help please..give it to me straight.

November 26, 2008
12:42 pm
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free
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Hi pinky

I spent countless hours trying to understand why some men play games.

It was wasted time. I'll never understand.

Communicating with people like this is really hard.

Try mirroring. Like this:

"Are you saying that......?"

"Well what I'm hearing is that you feel..... is that right?

"This conversation is over, I won't be spoken down to"

an abusive man, when you try to communicate clearly and openly, will basically tell you you're stupid for not understanding them.

i suspect that is what will happen.

a man that communicates clearly and tenderly is gold. Remember that.

free

November 26, 2008
12:50 pm
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outsidethebox
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I think the game playing is about control. In keeping you confused, you will eventually start distrusting yourself, your own reactions. You start thinking you cannot be trusted, that you do everything wrong. He's got you where he wants you in playing that game. Compliant, quiet, submissive. Don't fall for it! I'm in the same situation myself and certainly do not claim to be doing very well with overcoming his mind games, but I KNOW better. I know not to let him cause me to doubt myself.

Free is so very right with what she suggests. Don't let his reactions be your reactions. Don't let his emotions be your responsiblity. Calmly, rationally, without emotional upset, tell him what you're hearing. Don't let anything provoke you to respond in anger. You have much more control acting in a controlled state of mind. Don't play his games.

Easier said than done, I know, I know! But necessary. Otherwise the cycle continues.

November 27, 2008
2:03 am
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pinky
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Thank you for the advice. I do feel like he is playing mind games and in the process I feel I'm loosing my sense of reason. I will try using your suggestions and hopefully I get through to him.thank you again

November 27, 2008
6:39 pm
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bblue
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I started stating - what "exactly" do you want? When he says you are stupid when you don't get it. Say no you are not being clear with me what it is you want exactly?

this freaked him out and "whatever then" and it bothered me - led to a fight - and you feel like you are wrong
then I just learned to walk away at the "whatever" and now it gets easier every time... I don't fight - he can waste his time being angry

I am still not perfect but I am a fairly clear communicator in business and if I am not then tell me I am not being clear and I will start again.

I now expect that from those in my private life.
Outside the box and free are so right - if you let anger enter he wins.. and you lose a little piece of you --

BBlue

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