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I need a womans perspective??
February 7, 2005
11:46 am
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hurtman
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I'm looking for some advice. Some of you may know my situation, and some may not.

(short version) About a month ago my wife of 13 yrs asked me to leave. I love her dearly. She's basically tired of me controlling her. I hadn't understood at the time, but she has felt this way for years. Since then I have started counceling and been doing a lot of work on my own, research, workbooks, ect (finding myself).

Currently we talk to each other and trade the kids back and forth. I'm stuck in a rut right now because everything I say is taken the wrong way!! I'm trying so hard to be supportive and friendly... but, She treats me very stand ofish..as if I have found someone else, which is the last thing I want.

I get the impression that she wants me to romance her, tell her I love her, so on and so forth. I'm really confused because each time i try and put forth the effort I get my heart broken and I don't get a response from her. Maybe I expect too much?

I don't want to act desperate, but on the other hand she make me feel like I should be doing sompthing more. Need advice, please help?

February 7, 2005
11:58 am
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Alegab
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Hi Hurtman: I am sorry you are going through a difficult time and from what you are saying about your wife she seems to be going through a hard time also.

I might be totally wrong but i'll throw it out there anyway. As you state "she is basically tired of me controlling her." You are trying to get help and trying to make things different. You are both hurting. From her point of view, i think she cannot trust you because of your behavior in the past. I don't know how long you've been working on your "issues" but she might need time to to heal and you have to earn your trust.

What gives you the impression that she wants to be romanced and be told that you love her? Have you done that in the past or this is something that you interpret to be her need?

Have you both considered counselling? Or is it beyond that already? Its something you might want to consider. Its great that you are seaking help and acknowledging
your behavior. Some people are not capable of that.

I don't mean to sound negative or discouraging but, in the event this marriage can't be saved, you will try not to repeat the same behavior with someone else.

Keep posting.

Good luck

Alegab

February 7, 2005
12:10 pm
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hurtman
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Thanks Alegab

You are not negative. I guess to answer your question. My wife seems to give alittle in returen (eye contact, and sound of her voice, some things she says) when i make attempts to show her I care about her. It's just so difficult to do sometimes for me. She seems to thrive off me suffering. (I know that's selfish to say)

We are both going to councelling, but not togather.

Valentines day is comming around the corner. I don't know what to do?

February 7, 2005
12:24 pm
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hurtman
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Update.

My wife just called and would like to meet togather with the councellor today. I'm really scared?

February 7, 2005
12:28 pm
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Alegab
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Hurtman- It is natural to feel scared of the unknown. Its a step in the right direction though. She initiated the counseling together, i think she is trying to face things and so should you.

Take it slow and see what happens. If things are meant to work out they will, if not its God's will.

Give it all you got and pray.

Check later,
Alegab

February 7, 2005
6:47 pm
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hurtman
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For those of you that follow this thread, i'll get you upto date.

We both met today with the councelor. We both learned that the way we have approached problems in the past has not been effective. (like we didn't know that..) During our discussions I tend to start out soft and then link items (I build, and don't stay to the topic), and she tends to explode right off the bat. "and then were off"

I really had a hard time with our ending discussion today. He asked each of us where we were on a 0-10 scale of trust. She went first and said 0 or 1. I said i felt she was at a 6. Then I have a question for you out there? Does Love = Trust? Maybe I expected too much with this 1st meeting.
Another thing that came out is that she didn't want me to give her any more hugs or kisses on the forhead. She said that I could build here turst if I didn't do it. That HURTS!! Help me I don't understand??????

February 7, 2005
6:59 pm
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shyshy
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My guess is when you kiss her on the forhead you are making her feel like she's your child and therefore controllable. If she's willing to go to counseling then she still loves you. I think that maybe she doesn't trust you because she thinks that you will go back to trying to control her if she comes back to you. In other words, it's like I've heard it said, "you can't change a man". Maybe she's thinking that you are only doing what you are doing in desparation to get her back and then once she's back it's back to your old self because how quickly we forget what pain we went through while they were gone. You know what I mean?

For Valentine's Day may I suggest a very expressive card with some white roses?

February 7, 2005
7:03 pm
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shyshy
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P.S.

I don't know how much you've expressed to her but maybe you should be more open with your feelings and tell her that you know you've been a real dick (even if you haven't been)and that you miss her so much it's driving you crazy and you have no idea how to get her back. Then tell her you will give her some time while you work on changing yourself in hopes that she will return to you. Then leave her be for a while and let her wonder what you are up to. I'm no therapist but it would work for me.

February 7, 2005
7:20 pm
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13 years of controlling some one is a long time. Try and turn the table's if at all possible. Its probibly 10 times harder for her when your loving and supportive because thats not the man she knows you to be. Maybe she feels as though you are " pretending" to be something that your not just to get her back. And once she lets you in you will return to your old ways. I think its going to take alot of time and work on both of your parts to get to a healthy relationship. I wouldn't pressure her, try being her friend again and let the love part wait. Be there for her, talk to her, let her see the changes in you not hear them and maybe she will start to believe you really are trying to a better person for yourself, her and your children.

February 7, 2005
8:03 pm
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hurtman
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Thanks Shyshy and Big heart

Your words are very helpful. I always wanted to change the world in 1 day and it hasn't happened yet.

Patience..long suffering, meekness, forgiving, respect, and humility....

Thanks for your help....

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