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I need a socratic therapist!
January 13, 2001
12:32 am
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meri
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Generally I am a very collected together individual, but I don't know that I will be able to explain myself without jumping around a little bit. So, here goes.

I am a senior in college. A little over a year ago my father committed suicide. Chronic/manic depression runs in my family. When I was 16 my parents put me in a mental health facility, they feared for my safety. I have never forgiven my mother for that act. My mother is not a friend to me she is a warden. My family is very small because of my dad divorcing his family after he married my mom. My dad committed suicide as an answer to flash-backs of being molested when he was 4 and 5 years old. He attained his job via political appointment, and his boss was not going to run for re-election, e.g. he knew he was going to lose his job. The 50+ weeks proceeding his suicide he was attacked in the rag of a local news paper. I should also mention that my mother was not the nicest person to him either. These events, and meeting his two sisters for the first time at his funeral, and my own struggles with poor self image, classes, insane roommates have been a lot to deal with this last year.

The complication to my story is this: I was on vacation visiting my new first cousin this past holiday and he and I smoked pot. I, myself only having done it once before had no clue about what I was getting into. While I was stoned I was crouched on his bathroom floor having flashes of dreams that I had as a kid. I was awake while I saw these dreams. I had not remembered these dreams until I was stoned. At first I started to cry because I was petrified. I began to relax and my dreams turned into familiar faces. In these dreams I had flashed of being sexually aboused by a girl who lived down the block. I do not condone these actions either.

I have no idea about who I should talk to about this. It seems to me as though I am not dealing properly with my dad's death, which is causeing mental constipation for every other aspect of my life.

I have never kept a sucessful relationship with a love interest for longer than 4-5 months. In my love/dating relationships there isn't one person I haven't cheated on. I consider a kiss cheating. I am a virgin, and at 22 I think my apprehension is due to sexual abuse memories being suppresed until now. My fear is also being roused due to a potential new person in my life as a dating interest.

I am (in all most likelyness) too smart for my own good. I psychoanalyze everything and everyone I know. As soon as I figure out the stem of my problem it is resolved, and I don't have to worry about it again. These events I have just described have me stumped. I don't know how to act, I don't know what to do with myself. As a kid my mother sent me to a therapist, I absolutely dispised going he was a wretched man and we played cards, and I never said anything to him. Over the years, now, my mother has insisted on sending me to therapists (whatnot). From these expierences I have become weary and impatient with therapists. I have a negative stigma associated with everylast one due to name recognition alone. I go and talk and I am able to tell them whatever they want to hear. I don't need to hear from a therapist that I am depressed because that would lead to an actualization of my feelings and then this would be true in my head causeing me to be more so than I actually am. (I hope that made sense.)

I am at an age now where I am fully capable of making my own decisions, she tries to encourage me to go, but I think she's vicariously living through me. When she was in college she majored in psychology, but changed to art. She really does think that she knows it all when it comes to the psyche.

If I didn't have to talk to her ever again, I probally wouldn't at this point in time. She has a firm grasp on me due to my financial restraints, I have no money being a poor college kid. She pays for everything and likes to keep it that way.

Right now my self-esteem is fine. I have a very poor self-image however. I have eating disorders, and some obsessive compulsive character traits, I am not happy on the inside, but I am always laughing and making jokes. I have a million aquaintanaces, and a three very close friends 2 of whom are gay. Lately I have had an aversion to homosexuality wherein I think that I might be a homo, but the recent dreams of abuse would be the answer as to why I might have an aversion as such.

My confusion grows thicker every day.

January 25, 2001
8:42 am
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mara
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one day at a time. stress & worry drain us of our true potential. I'm sure you heard these sayings. try to seek for inner peace by being merciful to others..ie..mom. your dad..etc. there karma is there cross to bare. Love is great and trust is great. try it. stay cool and study hard. peace!

January 25, 2001
6:05 pm
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Meri.

I hear what your saying, too... Are you still there?

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