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I need a lot of input for this
July 21, 2005
4:23 pm
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Just Lost
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Okay....this is going to sound demented I am sure but I need pros and cons, and honest opinions, from anyone that will reply.

My wife is pursuing a divorce from me. She asked for it about 7 weeks ago. It was filed about 3.5 weeks ago. Now we are waiting for the judge to sign it. I have heard that the courts are taking a while so it could possibly be another month or two. I have struggled with letting her go to no end. I have had people ask me how I let go of past relationships in the past. There was only one time where I developed closure and that is 3 years ago when my wife and I split up for what I thought was for good. We weren't married at the time. Back then, she left me in February 2001. I tried, despite her dating other men, to see if it could work out. However, I had applied for a job in another city and I made a personal deadline that, if that job offer ever came, I would leave it all behind if it had not worked out.

In late May 2002, when she was seeing someone else, the offer came. I told her that I had made the deadline and that I had no choice but to move forward. She said that she agreed with my decision. I had one month from the date I received the offer to move. So, for the next month, we actually spent more time together even though she was seeing 'him' off and on. And as the day drew closer, I felt less pain because I knew there was no choice (I guess). She also accepted a job in a totally different city so we knew that it was about to become a permanent separation. In those four weeks, I felt like I got some closure. Although we were together more and had more quality time in those 4 weeks, I felt less emotional about the impending permanent separation. We saw each other in a different light. We cared more for each other than we had for the prior year. It didn't end bitter. I moved away and moved on with my life. We still had contact after I left via email and phone but very little. In short, I recovered. I guess you could say we had our 'Sweet November' (the movie). Now we did end up getting back together five months later but that was due to job situations that put us back in the same city.

So here is my dilemma. The divorce is coming. She has made it clear we are not going back to 'us' anytime soon. I am looking for closure. Since that is the most successful closure of a prior relationship I have had, should I entertain the idea of re-creating another month together where we can both try to move toward a permanent separation with good feelings toward each other like we did then? Or do I just say f*** it and join the no contact club? Both have serious repercussions. But I am having no success with the no contact club at all.

My wife is seriously contemplating a move to another city with her job in a few months so this whole thing feels eerily similar.

Send me your input and a lot of it. I need to see both sides before I decide what to do.

July 21, 2005
4:28 pm
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Just Lost
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let me add......this is not an attempt to get my wife back. it is for closure.

July 21, 2005
4:39 pm
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2bstrong
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Hi JL....

I am just going to jump in (probably over my head).

First big red flag I see is that your wife is with another man, and has difficulty being honest with you about the situation. For whatever reason, she feels that she has to protect your feelings. That is not healthy behavior.

Secondly, she is unable to detach from you as well. I would be hesitant to believe that the form of closure that worked for you in '02 will work for you now. She is repeating the same behavior, and I'm going to be blunt, she is cheating on you. There is a lot of damage to your relationship becuause of that.

I truly believe you need a bit of time to think about this, and not with he telling you what to do and what not to do. JL--it's time to think about you. You mentioned something about the closure letter. I would do that first. Write it, tear it up, write it again, tear it up, write it again. Then write the final draft and send it. Be done with it. Set a goal for yourself that you will not contact her after that. Take it one minute at a time.

Have you spoken to a counselor? Have you considered a support group? Anything...just keep your mind on you.

I don't know if this helps, and I hope I don't offend.--2b

July 21, 2005
4:47 pm
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none taken. i asked for a lot of inout

July 21, 2005
4:59 pm
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tracylyn
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Lost ~

If it's truly and honestly closure that you are looking for then why delay it. I think the advise best right now is to tell you to start no contact. Maybe list the pros and cons yourself asking what you are looking to gain by delaying the inevitable for another month. If you start now, in that month you'll be that much further.

No contact isn't easy at all but it's the best thing you can do for yourself. Keeping yourself busy will help. Talking to friends or coming here whenever you are tempted.

You seem to be putting so much energy into the wrong directions. The time now is to focus on you. It sounds like she has hurt you a lot. Tell yourself that you deserve a lot better....

July 21, 2005
5:02 pm
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Oppps - I hit enter and it posted.

Tell yourself you deserve a HELL OF A LOT BETTER. Starting no contact now takes you that much closer to healing and being free from the pain and to start a new life.

If you need to contact her for divorce reasons then have your atty do it. It you must, keep it like a business conversation, no emotion.

Time to take care of you is now. Not a month from now. Go for it!! It's hard but you will get thru it. We all have!!!

Peace to you.

t

July 21, 2005
5:10 pm
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JL,

My opinion of your situation based on what I see is that you are trying to force SOMETHING to happen. Either for you to be back with your wife or have it be over! Black or white. Sometimes, you need to step back a little bit and let time work it's magic. There are probably several shades of grey in your story that you are just not seeing right now.

The courts will still be there in 6 months. What is the rush for the divorce? Can't you both just step away from the situation for a few months and revisit the attorneys when your anger, hurt and emotions have calmed down a bit?

It seems to me like it is all moving very quickly and neither of you are really on solid ground right now. I think time is a healer and things have a way of working themselves out for the best, when we don't try and MAKE them work out the way we WANT.

Just my opinion...

TC

July 21, 2005
5:13 pm
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The key people have spoken.....decision made.

July 21, 2005
6:06 pm
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Prefect
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I know how you feel. My advice would be let her go now. It hurts. It's hard. It's worth it. The only true closure you'll ever get will be when you decide for yourself for good that you're done with that one.

That's my advice, but I'm not sure even I could let go that easily. Regardless, one day (hopefully soon) you'll feel certain the split was the best thing and you'll be glad it's over. Keep your chin up, it gets better. That I do know.

July 21, 2005
9:36 pm
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2bstrong
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Just Lost,

Are you doing ok? I just came from the bookstore and there was a book that totally supported what TC said about the whole control thing. It said: Allow the universe/God to do the work. It will all work out....

July 21, 2005
9:56 pm
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Just Lost
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2b, I am far from being ok tonight. I am in the pit. I want her so badly that I dont even want to eat. I cried earlier as I wrote the goodbye letter. I wrote all the things I will miss and I just lost it. The worst part is that I am at work and it is so hard to concentrate at all. So, no I am not okay at all.

July 21, 2005
10:03 pm
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2bstrong
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What do you miss about her JL? I really do understand...I still miss my ex...it's all so fresh...

You poor guy-You are at work? I remember tear drops falling on my keyboard as I would type posts here. I could find no comfort anywhere--I just wished I could sleep the pain and the agony off...No such luck, though.

July 21, 2005
11:55 pm
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go to the night time thread and you will see what just happened on the phone. I think I have no choice now

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