Avatar

Please consider registering
guest

sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register

Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search

— Forum Scope —




— Match —





— Forum Options —





Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters

No permission to create posts
sp_TopicIcon
I must be losing my mind
December 2, 1999
3:16 am
Avatar
jwt
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

To all of you...

Cici, I read the article and it does touch on many issues that surround me. Unfortunately, it doesn't give me much hope for a lasting relationship with either my wife or assistant. Maybe I am in love with just the idea of my assistant. It is very painful to face the reality that doesn't match the idea. I'm not sure that what either my wife or assistant feels real love for me. I think the article talks about the fantasy bond that sounds like my wife and the childhood defenses that seem to mark my assistant's relationship with me. Oooo...you may be right, the new year may be the end of the world for me.

mlj, I wonder if the fantasy bond discussed in Cici's article is what my wife is feeling. I'm sure she knows there are problems with our marrage. I am so depressed and down most of time we are together that it would be hard to miss. She seems to be in some sort of denial, I call it being her own little world. Here an example...

I am going to Chicago this weekend for a four-day conference with about 50 people associated with our company (includes my assistant and her lover). Even though my assistant and her lover will be acting like they are just friends, I know better and it will drive me crazy to see them together. I often think about suicide and have told my wife on several recent occasions that jumping from a tall building seems to be the most mistrake proof way to do it. I have even discussed several times that Chicago has a lot of those buildings. She was scheduled to go with me on the trip but told me last week that she has changed her mind and will stay home. Now, I think if someone I loved had discussed suicide in Chicago, there would be no way I would let them go without me. I am very scared about what will happen on this trip.

BROC, I'm sure that all of you are right. I will not be able to truely love or be loved until I love myself. Well, I'm not sure that I ever loved me. I really think that deep inside I am a bad person no matter how hard I try to act good.

I'm not sure you understand that I don't usually look outside myself for things to make me happy. I love my job, home, car, etc. I never expected my assistant to come into my life and never went looking for a new relationship. However, I now see how really unhappy I have been with my marrage for years. I have also come to see that it doesn't have to be that way. You are right, however, its not my assistant.....its me wanting, yearning to just be happy. She just happens to be the ONLY thing in my life that comes close to giving me this happiness. I also think you may be right that she is not the answer. Maybe crawling into a hole is the answer.

I am beginning to realize that this may be the most difficult time I have had in my life. I have experienced the loss of every blood relative from my childhood family. The pain I felt at each loss was intense but eased over time. The pain I feel now is at least as great, never seems to end, and has the potential to grow to a point where it will crush me. Our only child, an 18 year old daughter, is away at college and has no use for us. My wife has always had difficulty making friends and I have seemed to have lost the touch too over the years. My relationships with my wife and assistant cause more stress than satisfaction. I really have no one in my life, no reason to live.

December 2, 1999
10:19 am
Avatar
hsuzie
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

i feel for your situatuation because my marriage suffer also.. but i have to wonder. Yousay your wife is so upbeat all the time, yet she wont discuss issues. I suffer from "the happy face" meaning, no matter how miserable, pained, sad, dark, i feel, i smile for the out side so that no one will have to see my torment, and they wont have to try and help me. Could this be what is happening to your wife? but perhaps you havent noticed.. I dont believe in staying in nhappy marriages.. not fair for either parties involved, and only hurts more in the long run,

ALso know, there are alternatives to face to face therapy. Message boards and forums like this and others.. i hope all goes well for you.. you need to be gentle with yourself..

Peace

December 2, 1999
1:45 pm
Avatar
BROC
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

JWT,

Suicide? PERMANENT SOLUTION to a TEMPORARY PROBLEM.

Thats that.

To be honest, that is the cowards way out. That is very selfish and self centered.

Do you have any idea of what that will do to your wife, YOUR DAUGHTER?

I have been through a suicide. It was horrible. What a waste. The hurt your feeling now it NOTHING, and I mean nothing compared to what you will put your family through. And for what? Your unhappy??!!

Well, wake up amigo. All of us on these boards have wanted to jump off a building. I was a step away from ending it myself. That was until someone, on these very boards, told me what I am telling you now.

DONT FUCKING DO IT!

It will solve nothing. You think it will end your pain. The Bible says, in a nutshell, you take your own life, and that gets you a First Class ticket to Hell. And hell my friend is an eternity of misery. Misery that will make your current situation look like a walk in the park.

I'm sorry. That thought just pisses me off. Do you have any idea of how many people today won't live to see Christmas, or their next birthday, or their childs wedding, because they are terminally ill. They WANT TO live, but won't.

Think of that my friend. Go visit a hospice. I did.

We have told you many times amigo. Do yourself a favor....get some help. What you have is cureable. Your just broken. You need a little fixin'. No big deal. Hell, a little prozac and you might be good as new.

Its dark now, but don't leave us. Don't leave your family. Tighten up your belt, and make a call. Many docs will do phone sessions.

I wonder. What is it when people are down, depressed, and need some pep they avoid "medical" attention. But get a simple cold, and their parked in the doctors office.

Maybe its the stigma or label. But you will learn one day that its us, the ones on these boards that are the "sane". We want more. We want to learn. And thats why their are specialists. to teach us about us, so that we can grow and beocome whatever we WANT!

Don't leave amigo. I for one would miss you!

Broc

December 2, 1999
5:04 pm
Avatar
Snow
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Broc,

That was excellent. I, too, have been through a suicide. It devestates everybody. It didn't solve any of the problems they had, it just created more. The children that were left behind cannot understand what happened. More often than not, they blame themselves.

JWT,

I understand you're hurting. I understand you don't think you can do anything to help yourself, but you're wrong. Everybody here wants you to stay. You need to think about what your actions are going to do to those around you. Your daughter will be truely devestated. She may very well blame herself and she may fall into a depression. My friend, whose husband killed himself, has not come out of her depression and it's been a year and a half. Her children's grades are suffering. Once that choice is made, there is no going back. There really isn't one thing on this earth that is worth dying for. Not one thing. Think about it.

Hugs to you,
Snow

December 2, 1999
9:24 pm
Avatar
VRJ
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

JWT, listen to BROC and the others. The pain you are feeling IS temporary. Unless you stay stuck and refuse to change. Learn from it, it is telling you that you need to change - thinking, behaviour, patterns. Change and growth are painful, especially when it is changing the way you've always thought was correct. You are in the midst of healing, even if you don't recognize it right now. We can see it. Prayers.

December 3, 1999
1:01 am
Avatar
jwt
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Still hanging on...but it seems even harder today than yesterday. I had a fight with my assistant because she believes I plan to avoid her in Chicago. I told my wife that there must be some way to get onto the roof of Hancock building. She said that all she wants for Chirstmas is for me to come back from Chicago ... but no offer to come with me. I am terrified about what will happen.

hsuzie: I really don't know what my wife's problem is. I know it might all be just an act. I just don't seem to have whatever it is I need to to find out...maybe I don't want to know. She just can't seem to see me for the haze that surrounds her own little world. Yes, this message board does help. Right now, you guys are all I have.

BROC: You are always challenging...and often very much on the mark. I am a coward, selfish and self-centered...always have been. But, the comment about the impact on my daughter does make me stop and think. I don't want her to blame herself, even though she is making a significant contribution to the way I feel. She is just a kid and I hope she will outgrow her hostility toward us.

As for the Bible, I know what it says. I just don't believe it. God may well be giving me more than I can bare. I am in hell already and it looks like it is going to get worse. I just don't see how God can punish any miserable soul for trying to escape a hell on earth. I just don't think He would do that. I wish He could just give my life to someone who really has something to live for.

Is this a TEMPORARY problem? It is beginning to become clear that my marrage will not last. hsuzie is right...it is not fair for either of us, and only hurts more in the long run. Even though my assistant is not the answer, she has shown me the possibility of finding someone who can make me happy. Now that I know it is possible, how can I live without trying to make it happen. It took 46 years for me to find her. I'm just afraid that she is that "one" and I will never
find anyone else because they are simply not out there. This doesn't seem like a temporary problem.

Snow: I know that suicide will solve my problem. I'm in pain and I need it to stop. Yes, it will create problems for everyone I leave behind. Except for my daughter, both my wife and assistant must see it coming but don't seem too concerned. You say that there isn't anything worth dying for? I don't see much worth living for. Right now, the only thing that I think will stop me is a concern for my daughter's future. I only hope that I am strong enough when I'm standing on the street looking up at the Hancock building.

VRJ: You think I am healing? I have tried to be honest with myself about my situation. I can't seem to change how I feel about my marrage. I can't seem to change how I feel about my assistant. All I have discovered is that both relationships are doomed. Everyone keeps telling me that the only person I can change is me. Face-to-face counseling and BROC's prozac are not options. I know I am very close to doing something. The only options I see are leaping or leaving.

To all: Please...please...please don't stop your prayers.

December 3, 1999
8:57 am
Avatar
hazza
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hi JWT,
YOu are in a dark place right now but Broc is right it is TEMPORARY, it will change when you let it, this does not mean you have to end your marriage, may be you will but maybe it has everything you need to make you happy. You cannot see clearly at the moment and take it from one who knows, when you feel the way you do at the moment it is really hard to understand what it is you REALLY want. Sometimes feelings get messed up, please don't assume that your feelings towards you wife are exactly how you think, you need to heal yourself a bit first and then ask that question.
NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO MAKE ANY MAJOR LIFE CHANGES, YOU MUST WORK ON YOU FIRST AND YOUR DEPRESSION AND THEN MAKE ANY CHANGES YOU NEED TO MAKE

You may say to me that it is the events around you that are causing this, well yes and no.
ok you are unhappy in your marriage, but that means you need to make changes TO the marriage first, it may be that your marriage can give you the happiness you want, YOU WILL NOT KNOW IF YOU CLOSE YOUR MIND TO THAT POSSIBILITY. Dont throw the baby out with the bath water!

You feel that is your wife loved you, she would come to Chicago with you. You have told her that you are thinking of committing suicide there and you expect her to go and hold your coat for you while you do it???

Get real here, you think she should come because you are thinking with a CO DEPENDANTS mind.

Your wife is actually being very healthy about it, she knows that at the end of the day she cannot control you or your actions. she said to you she wants you to come home after but she will not come with you.
SHE IS RIGHT.
She knows that you must come back to her of your own free will, she has basically said as much, she knows she cannot cure you, only you can do that.
Don't expect her to act in an unhealthy way just because that is the only form of love you recognise.

Please,Please Please get some councelling. Please give yourself that chance.

When I was in a similar position to you, my thinking was so screwed up, I had know idea who my friends were and the people I thought i wanted out of my life turned out to be the people I most wanted in it.

I have seen so many people change from being where you are, Look at Broc, now Broc i hope you don't mind me saying this. but Broc was away with the fairies for a while there, there were times when i was very worried about him, there were times when he was craving people who were wrong for him. BUT LOOK AT HIM NOW!!
iF Truth is a fish Broc will slap you in the face with it. Broc found he had a problem, lost his way for a while then he grew and changed and became so much better and healthier for it, he was not afraid to grow and to learn about himself. You must not be either.
Sometimes you just have to trust other people. Right now you have to trust us, each one of us has been there. Each one of us has posted on this board before saying that we are the exception to the rule, nothing can help us. Each one of us learned we were wrong, each of us learned it was inside us that needed to change an order to make the stuff outside of us give us pleasure.
You do not know yet where or what will make you happy. You need to get peace with yourself and then the answers will come so easily and you WILL be surprised. When you are friends with you again, you will be surprised how your feelings for things and people in your life are differentfrom what you expected.

But you do need to look within yourself. Councelling can help, we can help, but you must be honest with yourself. You are filling your life with distraction so that you don't have to face YOU.

Get to know YOU, what are you good at what are you ashamed of. Become the person that makes you feel proud when you look in the mirror.

But pease don't give up. You are on a journey that may feel bad now but you will love the end destination. I promise you.
Hugs
Hazza

December 3, 1999
10:59 am
Avatar
Cici
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

jwt...

I have always thought that life was the best and most beautiful gift God ever gave anyone. The thing is, because it's such a huge gift, we have to earn it. Everything happens for a reason.

My father was very sucidal for some years because of PTSD. In the Korean War, he was the only man in his unit who lived. All the others were killed or froze to death in front of him because they had to march out of North Korea because the government sent in no air support for the men. He still has frightening flashbakcs, where he doesn't recognize me or my sisters! He'll tell stories of men who were freezing to death who just sat down and died because they had no will to live, that he would pick them up, carry them, kick them, hit them, and they would just sit there and die, no matter what he did.

He told me once that he lives now because what he went through was a test from God, to see if he was worthy of this gift. And he realized that if he did kill himself, his hell would be that he would repeat his ordeal until he made the right decision: to live, and have children, and teach them from his experiences. He was successful. I have been through rough times, but would never consider killing myself. Life is too precious of a gift.

Now he is partially paralyzed and lives in constant pain from a spinal injury incurred during one of the three wars he fought in. He lives each day with a smile on his face because he is alive and has a strong will. If he can chose to live, with all that God has thrown at him, you can!

If you will not go to therapy, visit a hospice or hospital and see the faces of people who hope in the face of death. This is not therapy. It would be a wake up call. In the cycle of depression that you are in, you DO NOT see clearly.

I suppose, no matter what anyone else says to you, you will do whatever you want. You have been posting here, but not listening. You are in a cycle of self-centered, self-focused depression that no one can help out of but yourself and you don't seem to want to help yourself.

If you want to leave, leave! Find a new life. Life is not about love relationships. It is about finding meaning within yourself. You have not found any meaning in your life. You willnot until you learn to look at yourself HONESTLY and ACCEPTINGLY.

No permission to create posts
Forum Timezone: UTC -8

Most Users Ever Online: 247

Currently Online:
57 Guest(s)

Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)

Top Posters:

onedaythiswillpass: 1134

zarathustra: 562

StronginHim77: 453

free: 433

2013ways: 431

curious64: 408

Member Stats:

Guest Posters: 49

Members: 109447

Moderators: 5

Admins: 3

Forum Stats:

Groups: 8

Forums: 74

Topics: 38532

Posts: 714179

Newest Members:

gushVar, MalachaDazy, AdelineDazy, ValeryasaDazy, bujhtrDazy, ArtyomyushkaDazy

Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0

Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer