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I MISSED THE METEOR SHOWER BECAUSE...
November 29, 2001
2:17 pm
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artist
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I am sometimes amazed at how God teaches us lessons. I am a hard headed person and experience has always been my best teacher but sometimes it takes a lot to get my attention before I actually open up my eyes and can see the forest for the trees.
Ladeska and Molly have shown me tools that I’ve had all along but had not known I’ve had. You can tell by my nickname that I think of myself as an artist. I never would have been so bold a number of years ago to call myself that. It is what I’ve always wanted to be but never thought I could be. Now it seems right and comfortable to go by that name.
Anyway, I’m telling you that to explain the outcome of an incident that occurred the night of the meteor shower which I missed by the way because I was too busy experiencing a lesson and it’s outcome.

God, the ultimate prankster delivered the first part of my lesson in a humorous manner.

My b.f. and I had just finished the last day of a craft show where we were selling our jewelry. We were tired and stressed out and hungry. So in celebration of a fairly good day of sales, he took me to dinner. We went to a restaurant he had never taken me to before but he had been to many years ago. It was extremely crowded on a Saturday night and most of the clientele were regulars. I live in Houston and anyone out there who knows how close knit Texans can be sometime knows what I mean when I say a family restaurant—everyone knows everyone—from the wait staff , kitchen staff to the patrons.
We waited for a table but finally decided to eat at the counter. We ordered and as we were waiting for our food, the stress and my way of speaking—I’m a transplanted yankee—got to him—and we started a “discussion” at the counter. The discussion turned into an argument and before I knew it, while my b.f. was expressing him self—a lady next to me very loudly started a complaint about our discussion. This woman complained to everyone who would listen—which was the entire wait staff, kitchen staff and about 8 or 10 customers. I heard it all over my shoulder but my b.f. was oblivious because by then he had worked up a good head of steam and couldn’t hear over the sound of his own voice. I then stopped him and told him what I was listening to and that I wouldn’t stand for the way he was speaking to me and that I was embarrassed by his rudeness in public. This stopped him.
Shortly after, our dinner came and the lady next to me got up to leave. As she came passed us, she stopped behind my b.f. and in her most controlled voice said, “Sir, the next time that you have something personal to discuss, please don’t do so in public where you can disturb other people who are not interested in your business.” And then she left. I felt vindicated and strong and he was forced to think about his behavior. We finished our dinner and went home and proceeded to conclude our discussion.
The good news is that I was able to remember what I learned in these threads and it helped both of us to speak our minds and say what we felt without getting out of control. It got close to a break up once but after much “time out” after each issue discussed we both decided that, that isn’t what we want and came up with a workable plan that we both agreed on. There is so much work to do but I feel so much stronger than before. We are very different from each other and sometimes we speak different languages but there are things that we have in common that are too good to let go. Last Friday as one of our Thanksgiving guests was packing her car to head home, I saw a bumper sticker on her car—can’t remember who the quote was by but I remember the quote.
“It isn’t our differences that keep us apart, it is our intolerance of our differences that does.”
It’s funny, I’m not hearing my mother’s voice as much any more in the things my b.f. says.
Last night, I had a kind of anxiety attack coupled with a lot of anger. I told my boyfriend that I was angry and he stopped to listen but I almost stopped telling him what I was feeling but he prompted me to go on, saying that I had a right to express my feelings and that he was willing to listen.
So, I just wanted to let Ladeska and Molly and everyone else know what is going on with me and to say thanks for the support.
Pass the pliers.
Artist

November 29, 2001
2:47 pm
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Ladeska
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Heyyyy.....This is so good to hear! Wow, someone who's actually willing to work it out! My hat's off to you, girlfriend! And it's good that your bf came face to face with how he looked in public, too. I think you've gotten used to alot of things with him over time that may become more and more intolerable as time goes on here. The squelch problem may get turned down more and more and more. And, it probably needs to be if people were responding that badly to what he was doing. And it was all over what? The way you talk??? Won't comment further on this one because I've been in the throws of that one and it brings back very painful memories. Something very insignificant turning into a brew-ha-ha - and for absolutely nothing really.

A relationship I had one time was like that. One time he took me to eat at a place, it was cold outside, I had on a black long sleeve turtleneck, long black leggings, black puff socks, little black tennis shoes and a black coat that came down over my butt. Now...how much more covered up could I get without a ski mask, right? Well....this guy looks at me when when we walk in. He smiles, I smile - that was it. I put my attention otherwise and we sat down to eat. My guy says - you know - you really shouldn't dress like that because you look like a prostitute and that's what that guy was obviously thinking. Oh My God! No. 1 - I hardly wear any makeup at all, so it wasn't because I was a painted lady, had been sick so I'm sure I looked like crap anyways and I was hardly showing anything at all as far as form or skin. Well, that started it off. I spiraled down about the comment and we fought. But, it wasn't always that drastic, could just be over something very little and he would go on and on and on....and I would - allow it. I'd listen or try and interject something to try and change his mind or whatever.

It was like he enjoyed having me in that spot and it just wasn't okay after awhile and I started snipping that behavior right in the bud with - um, if you are going to talk to me like this, we're done here, you can go home however you want to, but I'm taking the car...or if it was his car - I'd get a taxi. I did that one time actually, felt damned good. That was toward the end of our relationship when I was through - dancing that dance. He started talking down to me and in circles and I just got up in the middle of my meal and said - see ya. He looked at me in amazement and said - where do you think you're going, what do you mean see ya? I said - just what I said. Not doing this. When you can talk to me without being an ass - I'll talk to you. And then I walked out, down the street and called a cab. He was livid at me when he got home, but I told him there - won't talk to you here either as long as you're an ass.

So, my question to you is - why did you allow him to talk to you in this way for that duration? And what was it really over anyways? And sweetie, why do you need her to make you feel like you had a right to be valid here? He needs to adjust his level of what is okay to rain on your head. Just because you are in his life and love him - doesn't then give him the right to do that to you in public or otherwise for that matter.

This guy in my life had the nerve to say to me - when I stopped allowing him to do this - he says, then who will contend with me????? I said - what the hell kind of question is that? He couldn't answer me. And later in counseling it came out that he found intimacy in anger. Alot of people do, but they will never be in my inner circle again.

So, I'm glad you're using your tools and getting more self esteem here, so very proud of you, but I really would like for you to answer the questions I just asked you above. I've been in that scene before and quite frankly - it's abusive....and he knows it is and owes you an apology...a sincere one.

Unfortunately, so many times - the real truth is - if someone like this is in your life and has been able to get away with pushing you around like this - the problem is - they have a hard time turning around and respecting you later. It leaves a bad taste in their mouth and they resent having to do it. Makes them angry...you've taken it before, what do you mean you're not now! Respect is hard to get back. And this brow beating stuff with this kind of conversation - I know all about that, the constant chatter that escalates....not good and it's abusive and you have to shut him down when he gets like that, by telling him verbally that you won't remain there if he continues and then by leaving if he continues. If this many people noticed this - then it was a major problem and I hope you really see it for what it was.

November 29, 2001
2:48 pm
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Ladeska
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P.S. - HA-HA-HA, just noticed I said early in the posting that I wouldn't comment further on that and then wrote you a freaking book!!! (LOL!) Yep, that's me....blah, blah, blah...

November 29, 2001
9:30 pm
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Ya know that is the funny thing about lessons. they have their own timeing. I really got one with my kids this week, its funny how you take a stand in one aspect of your life, and all of a sudden your taking stands here there and every where. Ladeska does talk alot, but at least she always has something insightful to share. God bless us all, and pass the pudding.

November 29, 2001
11:47 pm
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Ladeska
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...geez, from all the friggin lessons I've had, I feel like a wormhole turned inside out and back again..I'm rather surprised I'm sane, but then again, I'm sure I'm fooling myself on that one....always the last one to know....god, I hate it when that happens....no, you can't have the skin because I already ate it...had to chase that chocolate bunnie all around the apartment and out in the yard to get his skin....dang little furball....

November 30, 2001
10:05 am
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Ladeska,
Your reply wasn't that long--it's shorter than "The Stand" by S. King--which is how I judge most letters and emails. 🙂
I'll do the best I can to answer your questions. I think that in the very beginning of our relationship, I was awed to silence by his thought processes. He has a high IQ and knows a lot about a wide variety of subjects and enjoys reading and discussions about what he reads. He acts confident and is judgemental. He is a problem solver and enjoys being one. He is a take charge kind of guy and has a B.S. in psychology. He is a musician and is a really good craftsperson in his own right. He always had a high paying job until recently--so for the most part he is financially secure. He has a competitive nature and has an anger problem. He was raised by a single Mom whose discipline of him was abusive. He still has issues with her. He knows what his problems are and has a pretty good handle on controlling them.
For the most part he is very different from me. I am intelligent but I have no idea what my IQ is. I read but I would rather do something than sit and read. I have an insecurity problem and am not competitive at all. Discussions in my family were always attacks on character so I have problems keeping my emotions out of discussions so I don't enjoy them. I didn't finish college. He is confident about his talents and I am learning to be confident about mine and to believe in myself in every area of my being--physical attractiveness, sexuality and achievements.I am an aging hippie, having is not as impoortant as being and loving. I've always wanted to be allowed to follow my own path so I guess that is how I try to treat other people.
My b.f. is so quick to put forth an opinion that from the beginning of our relationship--in an attempt to please him, I just let him take over. There is something in this behavior that reminds me of my life at home with my parents, I think that I just shut down without thinking about it--reacting instead of acting. The difference is that at home my Mom didn't want to hear what I had to say but my b.f. does--it has taken me a long time to realize that. Part of his frustration with me is the fact that I shut him out, won't contribute or take charge once and awhile and my resulting resentment because of my feelings that he doesn't want to hear what I have to say or I can't do what I want--which is untrue.
He did apologize for his treatment of me in the restaurant. He is very quick to own up when he has over stepped his bounds. I think the problem is that I don't tell him when he does. I have been unsure of my footing and when that lady got upset in the restaurant, I felt like I wasn't the only one--that I wasn't crazy--he has a problem,too. No, he doesn't tell me that everything is all my fault but he does tell me when he thinks that things are my fault and we talk abouthow both of our behaviors interact--unfortunately more often than not I get my feelings hurt and--we're off.
He definitely has his issues and if I love this guy, I need to see the forest for the trees--my trees vs. his trees.
I don't know about the respect issue, yet but you can be sure that I will be on the job so I'll let you know.

SKINNING CHOCOLATE BUNNIES??? OK, gang
--talking about being sane and skinning chocolate bunnies in the same paragraph--WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?

Is chocolate bunny skinning like sheep shearing--will the skin grow back by Easter?
I don't want to be sane(which I'm not)--I just want to get along.

Every day above ground is a good day.

Artist:)

November 30, 2001
10:50 am
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Yes, there is pudding involved BUT maybe all those chocolate bunnies USE chocolate pudding as a type of chocolate bunny sauna and hide in there from bunny skinners. Ya think???
Artist:)

November 30, 2001
11:02 am
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gypsygirl
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Are we twisted here on these threads or what?

November 30, 2001
11:13 am
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I'm just being stupid over here, just ignore me with the bunnie thing..:) Anyways, comparing me to The Stand, eh? Geez....I think maybe - it wasn't tha long!

Well, I will say one thing for you that you need to hear....you really do great expressing yourself here. You're quite balanced and being very self aware at the same time - being aware of him.

If you are both willing to work on things, then there is alot of hope. The dynamics of how you've been doing things in the past - definitely won't work or at least won't work with you in tact...

You probably chose him in the beginning for some very wrong reasons and he probably did the same. But, isn't that about 80% of the relationships out there!! (smile) But, the art of life - is realizing that process where we sharpen and polish each other as we bump heads...that is - if it's done right.

I'm sure that we seek out in someone else - the things that we don't possess within ourselves and from what you described - I can see that happening with both of you. He needs to mellow out through you and you need to get some backbone through him.

Makes sense. It will just take some real skill from the both of you - to always remain in the posturing of - I love this person...therefore, I will be extremely sensitive about how I go about things. Him apologizing for his behavior is good, but the kicker that makes that statement worth anything is that - he doesn't do it again. Maybe one more slip up, maybe....but not after that. If he's a smart man as he claims to be - then there is no excuse for this. He can figure out "how" - to stop himself and do it.

The respect issue is something to look at and to keep examining. Both of you need to write down a list of what attracted you to each other in the beginning and what attracts you "now". Would be interesting for both of you to see that in print.

Maybe by viewing the lists you will be able to acknowledge, both you and him - the reasons why - you are with each other and that the qualities each of you have to give to the other one - has an equal value to it.

November 30, 2001
1:09 pm
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Blondie, for the second skin to grow back, there are green chuncks involved, and I don't know if you want to mess with the bunnies habitat, it could get messy. New S.King book, attack of the chocolate bunnies. Yes there is pudding in here. Sane ? What does that look like?

November 30, 2001
1:25 pm
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Sane? um, well, I think the last time they studied it - it got up off the table and shrieked in horror at the bulging eyes examining him and ran like a banchie with his tail feathers on fire to his U.F.O. camoflauged in the brush and took off at the speed of light and we haven't heard from him since. I think we've been abandoned.....species on earth is definitely a mutant strain.

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