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I might lose my best friend
May 30, 2000
5:17 pm
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matthew
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September 27, 2010
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Six months ago I started seeing a married man. I am a man too. We have been together, happyly, might I add, this whole time. We have fallen in love and now love each other very much. I also met his family, his wife, his two little children. I love them too. And we all spend a lot of time together. Several days ago, his wife told him that she knew he was having a relationship with me and that it hurt her deeply. She had know he was bisexual because he had told her so before they got married. He now admitted to our relationship and to casual gay sex he had engaged in during their 7 years of marriage. She is considering divorce. But they will first seek counselling.
Todd has become my best friend in these 6 months too. I am so afraid I will lose him. A part of me wishes that he divorce so we could be together. He asked me if I would be willing to live with him if he divorced. I'm thinking about it. But I know he doesn't want to divorce. He loves his wife and children. If he does divorce, I will move in with him. He's my best buddy.
If he doesn't and his wife decides to stay with him, I'm afraid she will ask him not only to not have a sexual relationship with me, but also not to be my friend. I am afraid of that.
He told me he doesn't want to lose me and will do everything possible to convince his wife that we can work out some kind of an arrangment. I would like that, but I'm afraid it's unrealistic.
I don't want to be the destroyer of their family, it was never my intent. But at the same time I will be very empty without Todd in my life. I love him very much, he's the best friend I've ever known.
I'm trying to prepare myself for the worst,so that I can accept it. It will probably take a couple of months for them to decide what they're going to do. The situation is further more complicated by the fact that Todd and I work together. So, even if he leaves me because his wife wants him to, I will still see him on a regular basis, and be reminded of what I had and lost. I do believe that family is very important and understand that if he has to make the choice between me and them, it will be them. But it is painful nonetheless. I don't want to lose my friend. He is going through a terrible time too. I feel like he has me to fall back on if he loses his family, but I have noone to fall back on if I lose him.
Has anyone been through a similar situation? And even if not, can someone please provide me with some tips on how to best prepare myself for the worst and accept it.

May 30, 2000
5:31 pm
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heartfelt
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matthew.....sounds for the most part that you have been preparing. Family breakups are never easy undoubtedly. Weighing all consequences is serious business and true enough, working together complicates decisions more. A tough one indeed. From your post I feel your own sense of compassion and understanding that with heart searching from your friend and you, and also to include his wife, that these issues will begin to unfold into the meaning and outcome that is meant to be. good luck to all.

May 30, 2000
8:37 pm
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boots
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i think i maybe codep and it has caused horrible problems mixed with alcohol in my present relationship. Have had no healthy relationships. i want to get better and get help. i talked to my partner about breaking up or staying together. he wanted to stay together we have something special. We are best friend, buddies, amigos... Today i started looking for counselors and was very optimistic. Called him when i got to work he had been out getting drunk. I don't knowhow i felll except very alone. I have a hard time giving up my best friend, but i don't mind losing a boyfriend. If that make any sense. i don't know if i should contine with hime or get out. I don't even know if he has a problem. i think so but who am I, an unstable codep, possible maniac depressive. i feel so alone.

May 31, 2000
7:21 am
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janes
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He is the only one that can help himself. You cannot save him.

You need to be tough and set boundaries with him because you care...and you need to stick to the realistic boundaries you set or you will only be enabling him.

You are never alone.

continuing or getting out is up to you. but if he is addictctied to alcohal then all you can do is point the way to help and hope he goes.

Find YOUR counselor and get going on yourself and maybe your friend will follow.

good luck

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