Avatar

Please consider registering
guest

sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register

Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search

— Forum Scope —




— Match —





— Forum Options —





Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters

sp_TopicIcon
I may have figured out what I'm afraid of.....now what?
May 24, 2005
5:16 pm
Avatar
lollipop3
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

If stick to the boundries that I've set and he walks away....doesn't that make me the fool?!?

After all the time, money, energy, I have invested....after all the hurt,pain, and humiliation I have endured.....whatif he just walks away and never looks back.

I'm not sure that I trust myself to handle that truth.

Any advice...suggestions...support?

May 24, 2005
5:51 pm
Avatar
saralynn
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

lollipop, I'm short on advise or suggestions; I just wanted to offer support to ya! Okay, maybe a suggestion just occurred to me...how 'bout listing on this thread what your life would be like if he did walk away. What POSITIVE THINGS are in your life that have nothing to do with him? I wish I could tell you he won't walk away, but if you bend to keep him - you're losing a piece of yourself. Please don't bend your boundaries - keep writing! Keep asking, keep reaching! love you, ~saralynn

May 24, 2005
6:24 pm
Avatar
Rasputin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Sweet Lollipop,

I know the situation you are going through is very rough, unenvialble, scary. Just trust me when I tell you to trust in Higher Power than is MUCH Stronger than your situation. He is watching over you right now. Caring about you. You might not feel it. But remember sweetie, that feeligns are deceptive.

Pain entails courage and risk. You are doing this right now. And I admire you for it!

He is there, He will see you through and carry you through to the other safe side of the bridge.

We are all here for you. You all have our own feers. We will uphold you through our love, encouraging words, prayers, support.

I do not want to lie and say do not be afraid. I am as chicken as you!!!LOL 🙂

(((Hugs & Prayers)))

May 24, 2005
7:03 pm
Avatar
lollipop3
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

thank you both for your responses.

Rasp----I'm glad I'm not alone in my "chickendom".

I searched the web and found a few good sites on boundries and assertive communication which also helped a little bit...I just have to spend the rest of my night DRILLLING IT INTO MY HEAD!

Thanks again for the support.

Lollipop

May 24, 2005
7:17 pm
Avatar
codep
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I'm not exactly sure of your situation but I do know rasputin is right some doors close and another opens, you never know whats in store from one day to the next, but If you find the positive in any situation it will prove in time to have been for the best. It's so hard to look into the future and imagine that you will ever feel differently or that things will be different or better, but If you look back on what you have been through in your life and you can see the positive in that, it may give you some hope for the unknown future, there is positive in it, just not apparent right now. Everything works out in the end maybe not how you expect it to but is definitely not without Gods plan for you for only the best.

May 24, 2005
7:25 pm
Avatar
Rasputin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Lolli,

There is a good book about boundaries entitled "Boundaries in Marriage" by Dr. Henry Cloud.

Dr. Cloud is very good writer. I have a book by him "Boundaries in Dating" which is very good.

I have not read the former. But the latter is good and I trust that it must be as good as the other.

I will try to see if I have any other useful resources in my Word document and post them of this board.

(((I LOVE U)))

May 24, 2005
8:05 pm
Avatar
lollipop3
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you codep.....

Rasp-----ooooh a homework assignment. I love homework assignments.

I head to the bookstore tomorrow and check it out.

Thank you
Lolli

May 24, 2005
8:32 pm
Avatar
Rasputin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

You can even easier purchase it on amazone.com They even have used ones, which are cheaper & in good condition. I purchased mine on internet at amazon and paid for 2nd hand $16.00 and it arrived by mail in only 1 week.

May 25, 2005
3:08 pm
Avatar
kathygy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

The fact that you set boundaries is more important than what he does. Taking care of yourself is more important than what he does. If he walks away you have just learned a lot about him. He doesn't deserve your love. When you set boundaries your self esteem and self respect goes up.

May 25, 2005
3:11 pm
Avatar
lollipop3
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you Kathy,

Setting boundries has always been very difficult for me and he has proven time and time and time again that he doesn't respect mine.

I'm trying....I'm really trying.

Lolli

May 25, 2005
3:23 pm
Avatar
2bstrong
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

You have no choice but to trust yourself to handle the truth, regardless of what it is.

If he walks away, you have YOU to count on. It is his choice, and letting go and moving on is part of setting personal boundaries. It is out of respect for ourselves that we do this. I would have not understood this if it had not been for the people at this site, and my counselor.

It is so hard, and painful at times, but worth it.

May 25, 2005
3:35 pm
Avatar
lollipop3
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you 2b.

You and the others at this site have been so much help through this.

It's only been 4 days...I've got a long road ahead.

I swear to God he's f$#$ing with me as well. Every other time we go through this he just takes off and I sit here wondering...what is he doing? Did he fall off the wagon? etc. This time he's just home....all the time and I sit here and wonder...maybe he's thinking things through...maybe he'll get help. Oh, the psychological torture.

Not to mention the fact that.....The Shield, season 2, volume 4 is gone from the movie store. HE KNOOOOWWWS that was the next one I needed to see. WHO ELSE IS GOING TO RENT THE SHIELD, SEASON 2 , VOLUME 4!!!!!!!

The Shield blocking Mother F$$#$%.

Ok, that feels better.

May 25, 2005
3:36 pm
Avatar
lollipop3
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

OK....that's it....I've completely lost my mind.

LOL

May 25, 2005
4:17 pm
Avatar
BamBam
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Loll,

After I read your first sentence at the beginning of this thread, "If I stick to the boundries that I've set and he walks away....doesn't that make me the fool?!?" .... a thought occured to me. What was the reason you set the "boundary"? If you set a boundary to let him know that you WERE NOT going to accept whatever it was that he was doing, then there is no way you are a fool. Like Kathy said when you set boundaries your self esteem and self respect go up. You might not feel it right now, but the fact that you are treating yourself like you need to be treated (i.e. setting boundaries for yourself) is a wonderful, although it's hurtful sometimes, the end result can be a very empowering feeling.

May 25, 2005
4:23 pm
Avatar
lollipop3
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you BamBam,

What I meant by "doesn't that make me the fool" was that I have spent so much time and energy to make this relationship work and that I would feel foolish knowing that after all of that he could just walk away without trying at all.

Because to me that would mean that I've spent all this time with someone who didn't give a shit about me. That's a hard pill to swallow and probably why I've held on as long as I have....because I didn't want to fact that truth.

But I guess if that' what happens then better I found out now then after several more years of emotional abuse...right?

Lolli

May 25, 2005
4:33 pm
Avatar
glittered when he walked
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

lolli,

let's instead focus on what you've learned this far before we go down the path of conjecture of 'what if" How has this experience made you better? what have you learned?

Now, let's look at the what if

I don't think you'd be the fool if he walks away. You did the best you could have done. You put forth your best effort and isn't that what we all should do? Feel good about what you have done. Should you look for validation of your efforts in his responses or should you look within yourself for validation? How do you feel about yourself and your actions and responses? To thine own self be true. right?

May 25, 2005
4:44 pm
Avatar
lollipop3
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Yes, glittered....

I absolutely did the best I could.

I have learned that I DO have an ounce of self respect left and I do not want to be spoken to in such a horrible way.

I have learned that just because he says so...doesn't make it true.

I've learned that I HAVE made progress even though it doesn't feel like it right at the moment.

And I'm learning that it's okay to have doubt.. that doesn't mean that I was wrong, it just means that I'm not there quite yet...

but I'll keep trying.

Thank you for your support

Lolli

May 25, 2005
5:17 pm
Avatar
on my way
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

lollipop...did not read all of the posts, but my thoughts are:
eventually, out of pain, anger, or strong emotions of any sort...you will set boundaries for yourself...because you do have them. To ignore them will only cause a more dysfunctional relationship, and just may end up to be one you continued to invest much time in for nothing...in other words, the inevitable is inevitable. Boundaries are important for everyone, but esp. in relationships...if he cannot respect them, then for me, he would not be worth it.

But also, I think...he may be angry or hurt, because he may think he knew one person (you without setting boundaries) and now, perhaps, you WITH boundaries. He may not know how to take that, so be sensitive to his reaction and feelings as well.

May 25, 2005
5:24 pm
Avatar
lollipop3
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you OMW,

I hear what you're saying and I agree with most of it.

As far as his feelings are concerned...I do agree and as a matter of fact my therapist said the same thing. She told me it's my making progress and getting healthy that is making him become abusive.

I actually still love him very much. I have had and continue to try to have compassion for him and I am trying to understand where he is coming from but this last episode was just so out of line.....

It's his turn to start having compassion for me and understand where I'm coming from.

I told him a long, long, time ago...that I was committed to my recovery and he could either come along with me or stay behind. That is his choice.

Unfortunately, he seems to be choosing to stay behind.

May 25, 2005
5:39 pm
Avatar
on my way
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I totally agree with you on all counts. Sounds like you know what to do that is best!

May 25, 2005
6:03 pm
Avatar
starshine
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Lollipop,

I sooo know how you feel. It's like, yes, I walked away because you hurt me, (again) and why aren't you running after me to get things right? He's gonna leave you hanging,just like he always does, and wait this one out (yet again). But heres the thing...YOU made the decision to leave because of what came out of his mouth. You took your power back. This waiting game will drain you of that power and beat you down mentally. Each day you don't hear from him you give him back a little more of that power. So by the time you do hear from him, you are a mess. You spoke to me on another thread and told me our BF's were operating from the same handbook. Think about it.....first week to get angry, second week to miss him, then he WILL move in "for the kill". I've decided to do something different in the time in between, and that's going to a Al-Anon meeting, (on my way out the door), praying (A lot!) and writing my as* off on these boards, so that I'm strong when he comes around again. It's all about control and manipulation, and I am so vulnurable during that second week that the minute he throws me a bone, I'm all over it!!!! Stay strong honey, and one day at a time, (Hell, some days, one minute at a time) and thank you for sharing and being here for me!

Starshine

May 25, 2005
6:07 pm
Avatar
lollipop3
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Starshine,

I'm so proud of you for staying strong.

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement.

Keep up the good work....

(((HUG TO YOU)))

Lolli

May 25, 2005
6:19 pm
Avatar
starshine
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

((((HUG TO YOU TOO BABY)))))

Starshine

Forum Timezone: UTC -8

Most Users Ever Online: 247

Currently Online:
48 Guest(s)

Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)

Top Posters:

onedaythiswillpass: 1134

zarathustra: 562

StronginHim77: 453

free: 433

2013ways: 431

curious64: 408

Member Stats:

Guest Posters: 49

Members: 109444

Moderators: 5

Admins: 3

Forum Stats:

Groups: 8

Forums: 74

Topics: 38532

Posts: 714179

Newest Members:

ValeryasaDazy, bujhtrDazy, ArtyomyushkaDazy, wrestlingDazy, cnfhtvbkbfyDazy, inulaDazy

Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0

Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer