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I made a Mistake
February 22, 2006
11:40 am
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penny lane
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Sunday Nite I accepted a date with a man that is in my life on his terms...that date was made after I had made a date with my neighbor friend to have dinner. I cancelled the dinner date...while my date was at my house my son called...he had had a fierce conversation with his father over his brother...long and complicated to go into...but he defended his brother to his dad. I didn't stay on the phone for long but listened to him but couldnt give advice other than to tell him I loved him...both sons are in their 30's.

Two things happened...my neighbor was very upset with me and my son felt abondoned. I have since spoke with both of them and apologized and expressed my love for them...but I realized I put myself first with this man...and him over my family. I was so in need of his company that I sacrificed my loved ones....Should I tell this man that in the future if he wants a date with me to ask in advance? I am co-dependent and out of a relationship with a hugh N bf...so I was needy. I feel ashamed today.

February 22, 2006
11:55 am
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taj64
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If your son is in his 30s then he should be able to handle conflicts with his father and things about his brother on his own. You did not abandon him. He is grown person capable of taking care of himself. Since you said you are codependent, that tells me that he probably is used to you handling everything for him and is angry when you take care of you first. It sounds as if he is making you feel guilty for making a date. Don't feel ashamed because that is useless. As far as the neighbor, probably should not have changed planned suddenly but again you cannot please everyone all the time. Apologize and that would be enough.

February 22, 2006
11:59 am
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heartbeat
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pennylane,
It's okay - the good part is that you recognized that you put this man before your family and the ashamed part is knowing that it was a mistake. I too have done things like this in the past and made a decision a while back that I will no longer do this. I don't really think you have to tell this man anything right now. Just make a decision that it will not happen again; and if he calls last minute just calmly say that you already have plans and stick with the plan. Realize that your life is important and the family you have in your life is important as well. Priorities have to be set and lived out. I hope this helps.

February 22, 2006
12:01 pm
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penny lane
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thank you taj64...I did apologize to both my son and my neighbor..My son is fine..I spoke with him this morning after repeated calls to him and my neighbor is ok as well...but I feel perhaps I am not putting down boundries to my new friend...his life style is one of spontenousness since he is such a busy man...but I dont want to be tooo heavy...our relationship is calmly going along fine so far...we have known each other for over 6 years but never intimately..now that has changed..I worry I will misstep..my work or livelyhood is a bit slow...real estate...and I am worrying about the future...I know this plays a part in my sense of well being...so at times anything out of balance creates fear...can you give me any words of peace?

February 22, 2006
12:03 pm
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codep
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I agree with taj... You shouldn't feel guilty for having some "you" time. your children are grown I wouldn't worry so much about it not being a convenient time to talk with your son, I would have just informed him that it's not a good time but you will call him back as soon as you possibly can to talk to him. he is old enough to understand that. the neighbor situation, I think I would just appologize but I know as a fellow codep we tend to exaggerate our remorse, so I wouldn't make too big of a deal about it to him. A simple I'm sorry and If you're interested in this neighbor I would ask to make it up to him...

February 22, 2006
12:04 pm
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penny lane
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Thank you heartbeat...I have made a decision not to accept a last minute date over previous plans...I remember as a girl with girlfriends that was a no-no to put a man before friends...well even at my age that still applies.

February 22, 2006
12:07 pm
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penny lane
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Dear co-dep...I do exaggerate sometimes...I can be overly dramatic in my emotions..thank you for your kind and thoughtful words...they have helped.

February 22, 2006
12:13 pm
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kathygy
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penny lane,

you may have desired some male companionship but at what cost?

That date was not your only opportunity to see this man. if it was then who needs him?

Dropping everything for a man is also abandoning yourself. You are making him more important than you.

February 22, 2006
12:15 pm
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taj64
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I personally feel that often when people are in new type of relationship, they generally do put off all other areas for a bit because it is a time that you are learning and discovering this new relationship and it ok to be more focused, there is nothing wrong with it, just not to be all consuming about it and let your friends know what your feelings are about it is helpful. They would understand I think.

February 22, 2006
12:27 pm
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Anonymous
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I think the only thing you may have done wrong was cancel on your friend last minute to go out with this guy.

I think the healthy thing is - what do YOU want to do - and don't feel guilty for it.

I think if you felt the needy drive to accept his invitation last minute - then it would have been "healthier" to tell him you have plans and can you reschedule for a day you have open.

But if you truly WANTED to go out with him - but not out of desperation - then you should have cancelled on your friend and gone and not felt guilty.

In codependent recovery, you learn to put HEALTHY needs of your own first.

As far as your son - he is grown - and should very well understand that mom is "busy" and deserves private time and that you will deal with his issue when you have time. On the same note - if you truly had a family emergency - it would have been okay to tell your date that you need to excuse yourself for a few minutes and take the call in private - but it didn't sound like it was a real emergency.

Anyway - guilt is the real issue here - and it is a useless emotion.

I hope you enjoyed your date!

February 22, 2006
12:35 pm
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penny lane
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Taj64...you are so calming with your advice...thank you..and yes they do understand especially my neighbor who witnessed my pain with the breakup of my ex N...he is gay and like a great girlfriend...I am blessed to have him and his partner in my life.

February 22, 2006
12:38 pm
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penny lane
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thank you Alicat...I did enjoy my date...to the fullest. But I will employ some boundries with him in the future if it interferes with previous plans..not harshly although. I do respect his schedule and understand it...but I do not want him to visualize that I am on "call" to him at any time.

February 22, 2006
1:06 pm
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Anonymous
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it's all a learning process.

You are smart to establish boundaries.

And if you feel like accepting a spontaneous invite - go ahead and do it - if you have plans or don't want to - then don't. But make sure your desire to go is a healthy on, and not a "desperate" one....so to speak.

It's all about honoring your own wants and needs - and making sure your motives are healthy ones.

You don't have to be harsh - a simple "I had plans, what about tomorrow night?" would be enough - or "I had plans - can we schedule something else?" - and let him know that it would be helpful to have some advance notice, so you can make sure your calendar is clear for the date.....you don't want to make him feel like you have no room for him - but at the same time, don't want him to think he can show up at any time and you will drop what you are doing and go.

February 22, 2006
1:15 pm
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garfield9547
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penny lane

Sunday Nite I accepted a date with a man that is in my life on his terms

ON HIS TERMS - Red Flag for me

((((((((Garfield))))))

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