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i love him and he abused them
July 11, 2009
3:09 am
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momand2girls
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Well I spoke with a Deputy and I was told that one of my girls has to turn him in. That because of their age this is their problem. What a blow that was. So now I am not sure what is going to happen. My youngest says she is going to call the Deputy but, I guess I will have to wait and see. I told her that we could meet for lunch and I could be there for her when she calls. She took the number that I was given and the name of the Deputy. Please God give her the courage and strength... I can't do it for her. How unfair this now feels I am their mother. I should be able to help them with this.

July 11, 2009
6:27 pm
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StronginHim77
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You have made the first calls. You have found the path to Truth and Vindication for your daughters. Now it is up to them to make the next call...to break the Silence and bring him to justice...AND to spare another child from suffering what they, themselves, have endured.

And no...you and your girls have done NOTHING wrong. It is very common for the victims of such molesters to maintain a wall of silence, rather than facing the difficult terrain they must walk, by exposing the crimes committed against them.

Counselors WILL help all of you through this. But definitely give your daughters all the reassurance you can. And -- if possible -- connect them with counselors who are trained to provide the support they need to break the Silence. The Rape Crisis hotline will be able to refer you to wonderful sources of help.

- Ma Strong

July 14, 2009
9:02 am
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Carebearstare
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Hi Momand2girls,
I just want to let you know how much your story has helped me. I went and reported my abuse as a child when I was an adult and know how hard it is to walk up to that officer and say the words. I can't imagine having to do it so close to when the crime ocurred or having to be the mom of kids who were abused. It helped me so much to see you are a mom who was willing to take action and set an example for her daughters. And trust me, they will look up to you for this and be proud of you for taking this step for the rest of their lives even if they do nothing at all. So thank you for sharing, and thank you for doing your best to report.

On that note, please give us an update when or if you feel like it. Please let us know how you are doing. This must be so hard on you as a mom. And please go to a crisis counselling line, if you can. They can give you an incredible amount of support.

July 14, 2009
9:33 am
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caraway
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momand2girls,

My Mom didn't listen to my sister when she told her she was abused, and later didn't want to do anything "public" when my sister and I were abused. I will never understand why, and I will never be close to her again.

She let me down; she didn't protect me. I am a 44 year old man and I tolerate her now. My Mother was more worried about what her friends at church would say than she was about our well being. My sisters and I now live with shame and guilt about something that was not our fault.

I suspect that your guilt is what is getting to you and I hope that your desire to "protect" this young girl is really about that and not jealousy about his happiness with someone else. I can only surmise that you allowed your children to talk you into something because you didn't really want to report their father and deal with the loss of income and embarrassment that you would have faced?

I realize this sounds harsh, but I suppose this is how it feels to have been that child who had a mother who let him down. It sounds like you are still on the fence and that message comes through loud and clear to your grown children, much like it did when they were younger. If my mother stepped up today and talked about this openly and accepted her part in it; it would help.

Cary

July 14, 2009
9:59 am
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Lanigirl
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Momand2,

I applaud your efforts. My hope is that you and your girls will be able to come through this together.

Cary,

I can understand your anger. After confirming my molestation with my mother, she mentioned that she had seen things that she thought was strange but as usual within our household, said nothing.

I was wondering if you and your sister have sought counseling? Because the way things stand, the person that has molested you and your sister still has power over you. This makes me ill because you're right, none of it is your fault.

I agree, it would be helpful if your Mom stepped up but largely possible she never will. I know my Mom conveniently blames the other person and takes no responsibility.

July 14, 2009
10:04 am
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mistyrain
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I jut wanted to say its great that you have made the steps to report the abuse. Your stories made me realize none of the abuse that happened to me was my fault. I am still working on not blaming myself.

July 14, 2009
11:16 am
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caraway
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Lani,

Our abuser was our older brother (8 years older than I) and our mother continues to sheild him and really do more for him than anyone in the family. I suspect there is more to the story and that she is either guilty of something with him, or covered for his abuse from our father (a drunk who left when I was 18 months old.)

I have been in and out of counseling since I was 17 and sought help on my own through a county mental health system; they charged me on a sliding scale based on what I made at my part-time job in highschool. I lived in an apartment, with friends, and my football coach during my 10th, 11th, and 12th grade years.

I made all efforts to forgive my brother, for my mental health, when I was in my 30's. I agreed to allow him to stay at my house on his way through the city I lived in. I thought we would talk things through, he would apologize, and maybe give me some insight on what happend to him to make him this way. HE GOT DRUNK AND MADE A PASS AT ME. I felt like I was 5 years old all over again and locked myself in my bedroom and stay awake all night. I wanted to throw up and was so angry with myself for even allowing him near me.

I am a college graduate with a professional job, a big strong guy, and I locked myself in my room and was paralized with fear. I told my mother about it later and she just looked away and said, "well, he was drinking."

I would just like to see my mother step up and take charge of her own family and show love and compassion for the victims here. The woman actually expects me to come to her house during holidays when he is there!

Thanks for your kind words. I guess I just want to convey to momand2 how this might feel to her children. I don't understand the title of the thread: "I LOVE HIM AND HE ABUSED THEM" How could she say that and how does my mother still show favoritism to a brother who damaged all of us so deeply?

Cary

July 14, 2009
2:55 pm
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StronginHim77
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Caraway -

Just wanted to say that your story really broke my heart. I am so sorry that you suffered such abuse and injustice. Yet -- despite the wrongs done to you -- you have chosen to overcome them and morphed into such a compassionate human being.

Major hugs...

- Ma Strong

July 14, 2009
3:05 pm
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Cary,

My abuser was my mother's illegitimate son. She and all of her family protected and shielded him. My father stood up for me and made sure he was never allowed around me again. My abuser later admitted to me that he did it to hurt my mother. He has no power over me. When I went to my mother's funeral he was there. I am sure he knew who I was but neither of us said anything. I had not seen my mother since 1990, but did not want to later regret not going. For me it was just a formality. I can't recommend it for everyone but maybe one day you will reach the point I did and really no longer care. One of the last things my father made me promise was that if my abuser "came to my door" I wouldn't open it. My father always resented that the "little bastard" was railroaded over me.

Bitsy

July 14, 2009
3:10 pm
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atalose
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I too hope your daughter finds the courage and strength to make that phone call and follow through with what needs to be done.

I also have faith that if today or tomorrow is not the day for her to gain that courage and strength then some where down the road she might.

((((Hugs to you and your daughters))))

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 14, 2009
6:02 pm
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momand2girls
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Cary,

I am sorry for what happened to you. I also am not sorry for my feelings through all that has happened to my family. I did not come on here to be picked apart. I came on here to let out my feelings. I am not your mother and I had nothing to do with what happened to you. Yes I still have the history of the family that used to be so great. I spent 20 years with this man. Yes he wronged all of us and mostly my children. I am also a victim here. I listened to them when I first found out I did what I thought as a mother was right by them. I have not had any contact with this man since. I can say yes I still miss my happy family and what it was. I am sorry you don't understand where I am coming from concerning the whole thing.

Loss of income and embarrasment? He does not support us in any way. I support us and have for over 6 years. I am not a gold digger. I am a mother who really needs justice for my girls. I made a bad mistake by not turning him in immediately and that is why we are where we are today. I cannot do anything to him or about him at this point. And YES I am acting out because of the young girl and also for my kids.

July 14, 2009
6:16 pm
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momand2girls
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The difference between me and your mother is. I have been here the whole time for my girls I have supported them completely and am willing to do anything that will help them. I am not a bad mother or afraid of anyone knowing of the situation.

July 14, 2009
9:01 pm
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Lanigirl
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Cary,

That's awful stuff. You have incredible strength in your work toward forgiving your brother.

I do not and will not ever forgive my molester. Lucky for me, he had bad health issues and drove himself 6 feet under.

How much time do you spend with your mother? Have you ever considered reducing the amount of time? She can expect anything she wants, it's up to you what you decide to do with it.

Bitsy,

I am sickened about what happened to you. My hope is that people will read your post and the post from Momand2 and realize that these molesters cause such damage to families. They shouldn't be protected from their sick secrets. Also, as hard as it is for parents,etc., take that person out of circulation, away from kids.

July 15, 2009
7:08 am
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Mom, perhaps when you typed the title of this thread you meant to say you loved him...

I can understand your sadness over what you thought was the idyllic life. I have mourned those losses too.

Please just know that you are taking the right steps. My father stood for me. Because he did it makes it easier to look back and see why and how it happened. Cary's mother didn't stand for him and you can read how that effects him. You need to stand for your daughters. Just to know someone believes you makes such a difference. You have taken the first step, just take the next and the next.

I by no means am holding myself up as the example of healthy mental health, but I have been trying. All any of us can do is take the next right step. You cannot change the past.

Bitsy

July 15, 2009
9:09 am
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caraway
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Momand2girls,

I apologize if you feel, or my tone implied that I was picking you apart. I do personalize things at times that are similar to my situation.

I think perhaps your response is was such because of the guilt you are feeling. (That is just like my Mother). When you first found this out and decided not to report him, and get the girls far away from him; you decided that because you loved him, and didn't want your life to change, to say to them that his actions weren't that serious. And your girls know that.

You said:
"I made a bad mistake by not turning him in immediately and that is why we are where we are today. I cannot do anything to him or about him at this point."

In my opinion, if you come here for support it sometimes means hearing the truth as a reader sees it. It may not always be what we want to hear, but it usually make us think and grow. I could just say that I am so sorry that you feel bad that you let your children down and I am sorry that you are angry with yourself that you didn't do the right thing. I could say that I feel your pain that now that he is no longer in your life and has gone on with his life and has a new girlfriend that it is so thoughtful of you to be this concerned about her child (more than you were for your own).

I am responding and reacting to what I read, and that is that you mentioned that you still "loved him", and that you "needed an attorney". It just sounds like someone who is angry and bitter and ashamed and wants to get even; so why not say that? Why are you now pushing the girls to do what you wouldn't?

Again, I am very sorry if this sounds harsh, but I do believe that the good that can come from this is that if there is one reader out there who sees this and is living in the house with an abuser she/he may learn from this and make better choices.

I will back off of this post as I truly don't want or intend for you to feel picked apart.

Cary

July 15, 2009
11:15 pm
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soofoo
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Momand2 girls,
The fortitude you have shown in your last 2 posts is exactly the kind of strength you will need to take with you in this fight. Stay strong and good luck.

July 16, 2009
2:15 am
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momand2girls
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no worries cary. your reaction is why most people never speak out about this. your reaction to automatically get upset with me because of what you believe happened or is happening. the harshness you are so ever willing to put out there not even understanding the whole story. don't worry about not posting on here because i am done. i will go back to my silence and wait for my daughters to do something. that is what the system is forcing me to do anyhow and you are wrong about me. i am just watching out for the young child. i have no intentions of stopping him from moving on. actually i would like him to. thank you everyone else for the kind thoughts. i am not your mother. i am sorry for what happened to you. i am not the person who hurt you. stop trying to fix your problem by throwing your hard and cruel opinions out there. i came on here to let my feelings out and look how it gets shoved down my throat.

July 16, 2009
2:42 am
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fantas
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momn2girls,

I hope you continue to post here. You will hear many different opinions but you are the only one who can decide what is useful for you. Weigh the good and the bad and see what works for you. We are all in different stages of our recovery/healing journey many of our posts reflect that. All the best with all this. I would love to know how things are going from time.

July 16, 2009
8:59 am
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lovin life
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momn2girls: you are correct, you are not these abused (survivors) posters' mother.

but you can be assured that your abused girls will either become bitsy or cary. what i mean by that is that they will grow up and take the stance/attitude of either bitsy or cary ABOUT you, their mother.

abuse is abuse is abuse. yes, the players are different, the circumstances different, but the results are the SAME.

it's up to you to end up with a bitsy or a cary. it may be too late already....but you should do something to try to have a bitsy. stand up for those children.

July 16, 2009
10:59 am
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Mom, I hate to see you get disgusted and "pack up your marbles and go home". There is a lot of support to be had here. I think you are hearing some harsh truths that you don't want to hear. Believe me, I have heard harsh truth I didn't want to hear either, but it made me think and grow. Maybe it will be the same for you....

Bitsy

July 17, 2009
2:13 am
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soofoo
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Momn2girls was already separated from her husband when they told her what happened. And the girls were already grown. So it's not at all the same and momn2girls is not guilty of anything here, as Cary's mother is.

And there are way, way, way more than 2 ways of turning out, handling a problem, looking at things. There is one Bitsy, one Cary and many, many more survivors each with their own stories and issues and varying degrees of support and shame.

Best, best wishes to you momn2girls. I know you are doing everything you can.

July 17, 2009
9:46 am
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Allow me to say that I value everyone's input here and it's not my intention to step on any toes but to share and get some insights.

Mom2,

It's a shame that you feel like you're being attacked and you may choose to not post anymore. I would like to encourage you to keep posting. Take what you need from here and leave the rest.

It is unfortunate that parents are in a harsh spotlight. I'm not a parent but from what I understand, being a parent is a tough job and you're always under the microscope.

Soofoo, I understand that she was separated from her husband. My hope is that parents educate themselves because oftentimes there are signs of abuse. Without that information, some parents may ignore those signs.

I'm not handing down a guilty verdict but I really hope that this Mom can get some support because it's possible that one day, her children may proclaim her guilty and it would be great if she could prepare for that possibility.

You're right. Different people deal with the issue of abuse in different ways. I must point out though that the damage from abuse alters that person and it takes years to heal for most people.

July 17, 2009
10:31 am
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StronginHim77
17-Jul-09

Dear Cary -

You and I go back a long time. There have been threads where we have clashed like cymbals. Also...times when we agreed (even if only "in part").

I just want to state -- for the record -- that some of the most effective postings I ever received on these threads (are you here, SDesigns or Atalose???) were the ones which STUNG. Truths which I was not wanting to face...BUT which turned out to be pivotal in my recovery. And today, I am grateful to the "painful posters" (as I call them) for their huge contribution towards my recovery. The hardest words to read turned out to be the most valuable. Not at the time, of course. At the time, they stung like the dickens and left me feeling misunderstood, hurt and cornered. After all, I had come here for "support," right? And -- in my mind -- anything which didn't burp and soothe me did not qualify as support.

Today, I know better. Because I have to do alot of pastoral counseling, I have learned that it is frequently my job to point out tough truths. Those are the ones that matter. I try to do it in a loving, nonjudgmental spirit. However, many people will (and do) choose to become offended or outraged. It is what it is.

I have read the thread on which you feel you spoke out too directly. Having read it, I disagree. I think it is important that the parent in question have some firsthand input from adult survivors of such childhood abuse. The parent needs to consider all facets of her dilemma. You have added a vitally important facet...one which may help her to understand better the feelings of her children, as well as her own role in those feelings. There may be some surprises waiting for her down the road for which your posting will help to prepare her. I am going to copy and paste this posting on the thread in question. I believe it needs to be read.

I do not think you did anything wrong. You simply struck a nerve and brought up awareness of possibilities which the originator of the thread in question may not have considered...or may not WANT to consider because of the guilt and shame which she is already struggling to handle.

It is also my sincere hope that the entire family seeks and obtains supportive counseling/therapy, to help all of them address these painful issues from their own, individual viewpoints. They all need compassionate care.

You may simply be the catalyst for them obtaining same.

My best to all -

Ma Strong

July 17, 2009
2:09 pm
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soofoo
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It is unacceptable to blame momn2girls for her ex husbands behavior. Period. This kind of blame and shame on the whole family is precisely how these monsters get away with raping children. How convenient that when a woman speaks out we start talking about how her kids will probably blame her and she should have known, and there are "signs", etc, etc. How convenient for the rapist.

Lanigirl,

I'm going to call you out here. You are incorrect. Sexual abuse is very, very difficult to detect, even for professionals. A doctor would be able to see certain kinds of abuse, but not all. The other "signs" are the same for many, many other problems. Many people hold myths about this. They think kids who play doctor with other kids or kids who are promiscuous must be sexually abused. But these are not signs of sexual abuse. Depression, poor performance in school, will all happen when a kid is being abused but those things can happen for other reasons too.

Now, if i found out that my estranged husband had been sexually abusing my children for years, after the fact, and when they were already grown, I would be 3 steps from putting a bullet in someone's head, maybe my own. I would be devastated, furious and surely at least half out of my mind. I would be somersalting with feelings and I would need some support and darn it I WOULD DESERVE IT.

I hope momn2girls gets everything she needs. I wish for peace and grace for her and her family. And I hope her ex-husband kills himself, but people that awful rarely do.

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