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i love him and he abused them
July 5, 2009
3:54 pm
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momand2girls
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I really need advise and a soft ear. I have two girls and one boy. My girls were sexually abused by their father about 9 years ago. I found out around 2 years ago. I was shocked and disturbed when this all came out. I actually confronted him with this and he admitted it. My girls begged me not to tell or to do anything to him. We were separated at the time and trying to repair the relationship due to his alcohol abuse and also my not being happy and I had left him. I have kept the silence about what happened for my girls. Now I am very worried that it was a poor choice for me not to say anything. Both my girls are showing signs of the abuse that I now can see. My reason for now being very worried about what I should do is this man has begun trying to date or is dating another female who in fact has a 11 year old girl. This is almost exactly the same age as my girls were then. Any advise would be great. I am feeling very down and very lonely because there is nowhere for me to turn that won't make my girls angry or make them have to talk about this when they are not ready.

July 5, 2009
5:52 pm
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fantas
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(((Momand2girls))),

I'm sorry you have to deal with this at all. Their father is a sicker individual and shouldn't be around children at all. I think you have kept quiet long enough. Your girls are now old enough to understand that you cannot allow their father to molest other children. They too shouldn't stand by and watch this happen to other girls, but the greater responsibility is on you.They were obviously afraid of backlash from their father or getting him in trouble.

The solution is simple, you can choose to tell him that your girls told you what he did and you are now ready to report him unless he chooses to turn himself in. He needs to be reported. You could call child protective services anonymously. You can tell the school your girls attend and they can report him as well.

If you never sought counseling for you girls, I think you should start now.

Keep us posted!

July 5, 2009
6:30 pm
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SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOF TOPS. THIS IS ONE SITUATION I DON'T THINK YOU WOULD BE OUT OF LINE TO LET THE OTHER WOMAN KNOW. ONCE THEY ARE MOLESTED YOU CAN'T TAKE IT BACK.

Bitsy

July 5, 2009
8:28 pm
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soofoo
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momand2girls,

I think it will be better for your daughters if you turn him in somehow. I know you are worried that they will be angry, but in the long run, I believe very strongly that they will be better off and that they will respect and honor that choice. If you don't tell someone, and their father molests someone else, they may bear that guilt. But if you are strong for them, you might spare them that.

I really feel strongly here, that even if your daughters get angry at you for turning him in, they will still benefit tremendously by you doing it. It will validate that what their dad did was wrong, it will help them feel safe and protected in the world, it will give them some justice and protect them from further harm.

July 5, 2009
9:38 pm
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layo
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as an adult who was sexually abused by her father and was unable to ask for help believing my father's threat to shoot my mother should i do so, i have come to learn much about the danger and sickness that puts vulnerable innocents at risk. all adults need to step up when they possess knowledge that can in any way possible prevent the perpetrator from doing further harm. i can't help but feel that in not doing so, the adult would in some way be complicit. you may not have been aware when your own daughters were in need of intervention but you are in a position to act now. your daughters cannot make a decision of such magnitude and will see this in a different way when they are adults. you will never regret saving a young person from what can become a horrible life altering situation. your girls need to talk to people who understand and eventually they will have only respect for your decision to act.

July 6, 2009
3:56 am
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momand2girls
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I greatly appreciate the advice and tonight I did tell him he needed to "man up" and turn hisself in. One of my girls told him that he needed to tell this lady he is seeing of his wrong doings or she would report him. She spoke up when he started to try and make me feel guilty. I am a very guilt driven person and do not like to hurt people. He asked me over and over "do you want me to go to jail?" This was the first time she has spoken to him about what he has done to her. She and her sister would rather he just go away and forget the whole thing. She actually is his step-daughter. (not that I see that making any difference, a child is a child) I worry about her little sister who is now 20 years old. She is the one who does not speak of it at all. She lives with her boy-friend and does not even talk to me very often any more. I feel this could be because she is so hurt on the inside that she is hiding. Is so hard for me to admitt that this is and has been happening to my family. I worked so hard for so many years at being a mother and wife. I gave up 20 + years to this man. I know now I have to do something but, now where do I go. Who do I begin talking to?

July 6, 2009
4:05 am
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momand2girls
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One last thought What makes a person do this to a child?

July 6, 2009
7:13 am
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momand2girls often you hear that the abuser was abused himself. I don't always buy into that.

I was lucky. I asked my abuser when I was 18 why he did it. (he was my mother's illegitimate child that my grandparents raised). He did it to hurt my mother. Who knows why.

I suppose the first step would be to call your youngest daughter and see if you can get her into some therapy. She propably sees that you didn't "protect" her. From there call the police. You cannot undo what was done to your children but you can keep it from happening again. And as far as guilting you about "do you want to see him in jail?" Yes. Yes you do, but you are not the one who acted in such a way to be put in jail.

Bitsy

July 6, 2009
3:54 pm
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tryingtoheal..
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The best thing is to turn him in to the police. Other wise he might do it to another child. You won't always be able to know what kids he is around and they won't be protected. The best thing for him is to get help and he needs to be put in jail.

I'm 15 and i was sexually abused for 3 years when i was around 9 by my uncle and i'm now trying to get the strength to tell my therapist and my family. The longer your daughters go with out seeing a therapist and talking about it, the harder it will be for them to heal.

Keep posting,
Tyring to heal

July 7, 2009
1:06 am
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momand2girls
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Todayay my youngest did talk to me. I asked her if she would talk to the specialists if I turn him in. At first she did not want to. But, when I told her that it would help her sister and that they would get counceling that it would all be done with utmost care to her feelings and it would help us to be a family again. I also told her about the new girlfriend and how she has an 11 year old daughter. She sounds ready also to get him the help he needs. She tried to say that her dad would not do it again. I asked her what her boyfriend thought. She said "he says just don't go around dad anytime when he can do something to you again" I believe this is when she realized that her dad needs help that he is an preditor. I have wed off this week and plan on going and telling someone not sure who yet. I may just walk into the police department and ask. Thank you for your advise and this site. I have noone in my life except my kids. My family (parents and brothers) do not believe me because they feel if it was true I would have done something long ago. They actually took the predator's side on things and don't speak to me anymore. Besides on of my sister in laws who does so in confidence. She lives 8 hours away and tries to be my support but, is not always around. Will let you know what happens on Wed.

July 7, 2009
1:50 am
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fantas
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(((Momn2girls))), More power to you!! Good for you!! Stay strong because this needs to dealt with and stopped. He needs to own up to what he has done. You can go to the police and they will take it from there. You could also call the rape crisis hotline and they will advice you on what is best to do from here. Brace yourself for some family drama.... Please keep us posted!!!

July 7, 2009
7:14 am
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We are all in your corner.

Bitsy

July 7, 2009
7:56 am
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soofoo
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I'm sorry that you don't have family support. Sexual abuse sometimes goes that way. There is a terrible amount of denial. People just don't want to face it.

Stay strong and brave. If you come up against resistance, just keep telling people, keep telling authorities until you find one who is willing to take responsibility. I think you should tell the mother of this 11 year old girl. She may not believe you, but she will likely not leave her daughter alone with him anyway.

I agree with fantas that a rape crisis line may be a good place to go too.

July 7, 2009
9:37 am
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Lanigirl
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Mom,

Good for you for being firm. It's too bad that some of the people you told aren't supportive but you're doing right by your children. Keep with it. The gf should be informed. This man shouldn't be left alone with any children and should become a registered sex offender.

You asked about why a person would be a molester. Sometimes, as another person stated, it's been done to them. When I was trying to understand this myself, I did some reading. In the reading it said that some of these people often are loners and are immature, unable to relate on an adult level, and have serious self-esteem and control issues.

I believe it would be helpful for you to also seek counseling so you can get support to see you through this situation and continue to offer strong support to your children.

July 7, 2009
11:48 am
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StronginHim77
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Report him. There may be others he has molested whom you know nothing about. And you may be saving this other woman's daughter from the painful recovery process which your own children now face.

REPORT HIM. You have knowledge of his criminal behavior, yet have done nothing to STOP HIM because of fear. Don't let that fear stop you from doing the right thing to save other, innocent children. I believe there is alot of goodness in you. You can do this.

- Ma Strong

July 8, 2009
3:05 am
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momand2girls
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Another day gone by. Going out to look for a lawyer tomorrow. Not sure how that works when I barely keep the roof over our heads as it is. I am terrified and cannot eat or sleep. Have lost almost 15 pounds in a week. Tried to talk to a friend about it today and was told that I should just let it all go. That it is to long a time past. How he won't do this again that he has learned his lesson. So confused. I still feel the need to let it out. He has so much money I am afraid his lawyer will bury me. I am afraid my girls will hate me. I am afraid they will not talk about what happened. He has been calling them crying to them about how sad he is and hurt because he supposedly told the girlfriend that he molested his own children. Is this a cover or did he? I will never know. What did I do to be in this mess? I am a bad mother I should have stopped this before it started.

July 8, 2009
7:16 am
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{{{{mom}}}} First off. I was molested. There is NO WAY you could have stopped it before it started. NOW you can.

I cannot believe the GALL of someone telling you that he has learned his lesson and won't do this again. I have a young lady that I am so proud of. I am older than she is and mentored her when she was just 21 married with a baby on the way. She is now a human resource manager and I couldn't be more proud of her if I were her mother. Her stepfather molested her. She kept quiet about it not wanting to upset her mother. When he started molesting her half sister she reported it. The man is now in jail.

Now let's back up and think logically. If you did something to your children that was illegal and you would probably do to another child, would you tell the guy you were currently dating who had children? I don't think so and I know I wouldn't.

When this all shakes out your girls are going to be proud of you for standing up for them. My father stood up for me. He created a hellstorm when he found out I was being molested. I am 41 and lost my father last year, but I always will know that when the chips were down my father manned up and made sure I was taken care of. This too, will be your legacy to your girls.

Bitsy

July 8, 2009
9:36 am
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soofoo
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momand2girls,

I do not believe him at all when he says he told the girlfriend. If he did not want to do it again he would stay away from women with daughters. A recovering alcoholic does not hang out in a bar.
He is just trying to keep YOU from telling the girlfriend. Call that bluff and tell the girlfriend yourself.

There is no connection between being molested as a child and growing up to molest other children. Just wanted to debunk that myth in case you were feeling sorry for him. There are common traits of molesters but that is not one of them.

Why do you need a lawyer? We are talking about a crime here. You need the police and that is free. So is rape crisis and social services. You only need a lawyer if you want to sue. And you can do that later. Right now you have an emergency. There is an 11 year old girl in immediate danger. Stop bottling this inside, and start shouting it out to the authorities.

July 9, 2009
7:18 am
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angelle1
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I would not recommend directly confronting the woman about the situation, she probably will not believe you and take it as a personal attack to get her away from your husband. Maybe the police, however, can inform her without offending her. He needs to become a registered sex offender so he can not hurt any other innocent little girls. So what if he goes to jail? Wouldn't he deserve it? Maybe your youngest daughter IS hiding. From him as well as from you, herself, and the world, because she feels ashamed. She needs to know she shouldn't be ashamed and she did nothing wrong. And neither did you! But it WILL be wrong of you not to do something now that you know. Good luck!

July 9, 2009
7:18 am
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angelle1
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I would not recommend directly confronting the woman about the situation, she probably will not believe you and take it as a personal attack to get her away from your husband. Maybe the police, however, can inform her without offending her. He needs to become a registered sex offender so he can not hurt any other innocent little girls. So what if he goes to jail? Wouldn't he deserve it? Maybe your youngest daughter IS hiding. From him as well as from you, herself, and the world, because she feels ashamed. She needs to know she shouldn't be ashamed and she did nothing wrong. And neither did you! But it WILL be wrong of you not to do something now that you know. Good luck!

July 10, 2009
1:23 pm
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momand2girls
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Today I sit here scared of how things are going to work out. I had the girls in my car and we were on our way to the police station. We got all the way there in silence. We all agreed that we were going to talk to someone about this. We get into the station and the lady behind the cold glass wall states "what county did this happen in" we told her and she says "you will have to go there" discouraged and crying we leave. My daughters at this point back out and do not want to go. The lady did give me a card with the number to the correct county. Today I sit here and feel the need to call. My oldest daughter (mother of my grandbaby) started crying last night. She is scared to death of losing custody of her child because she has let her dad watch the baby in the past. I try to tell her it won't happen that she is a victim and it is not her fault that she could not and cannont see what a bad man he is that she has done nothing wrong. This man is trying to say that I also can be in trouble because I have not come out with the truth and I have known for almost 2 years of what happened. I was begged and begged and made to promise by my girls not to say anything. Am I also in trouble. I really don't care if so. I am going to call today.
Once again thank you for all your advise. I am so alone in this. I feel as if it is the world against me and everyone hates me......

July 10, 2009
2:26 pm
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NOOOOOO!!!!!! Make the call. Do you want this to happen to another child??????

I am sorry to be so crude, but it is time to pee or get off the pot.

Bitsy

July 10, 2009
4:25 pm
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momand2girls
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well, I called now the wait for an officer to call me back.

July 10, 2009
7:56 pm
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fantas
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Good for you! Stay strong! At this point, let your girls do as they wish and give them the option to back out if they wish until they are more comfortable with this. I would really encourage you to contact the rape crisis hotline. They have all this streamlined and know exactly how you should handle this.

July 10, 2009
8:43 pm
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soofoo
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I second the rape crisis hotline. You will NOT be penalized, and of course your daughter will NOT lose custody of her child. There is NO way that is going to happen. It is very, very common for family members to share the burden of the guilt on these things but the shame really only belongs to the father here.

That is exactly how these things remain quiet. Do not be ashamed. The counselors can totally help with all of those feelings, and any other feelings that come up.

Get support for you and your daughters from the hotline. Keep posting, please.

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