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I Love Her! But Is There Reciprocity?
October 7, 2003
6:43 pm
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Mr. Anonymous
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Here it is. My fiancee and I have been engaged for 6 months now and we really are in love. Now, I don't want to lose her, but lately I've been questioning if she still wants to be with me. I mean, like the other day we were coming from a cookout and we pulled into a parking lot to make a U Turn. I saw a sign that had in sign language the letters DILA (Deaf Independent Living Association). I thought it was cool and so I signed the letters I saw on the sign. She starts telling me how I looked like a fool and that I was stupid. Another time, she called me a little boy when I got to her house because I called my parents and let them know I had made it safely (after a 2-hour drive mind you). There was another incident in which she told me that she didn't want to be with anyone who can't tell their family no. She says that because at the time I am living under my parents' roof temporarily. I am 22 and was supposed to get a job in my home town when I graduated college and I leased an apartment there. But, I couldn't find a job there, but I found one in my parents' home town, so I work there and stay there and I am paying rent on my own apartment. My brother who is in college is staying there. But anyway, she says that I don't have the balls to tell my parents no. When I explain to her that I must respect their rules, she told me "We'll see, and if in a year when we get married they're still telling you what to do, I'm gone." You just don't know how much these things are hurting me. I love her so much and don't want to lose her. But I also have pride and do not wish to be mistreated.

Now, a little history on her, she has been hurt badly in the past. Her last boyfriend left her after 7-years. She was raped twice as an adult and molested as a child. She tells me all the time that she's really screwed up and doesn't think I should marry her. She says that she doesn't deserve me b/c she doesn't treat me right. She even admitted to me that she has lately been seeking to pick fights because she's been feeling rebellious for unknown reasons.

I am feeling verrrrry emotional right now. I love her so much and I want more than anything for us to make it. I mean, I know she has her problems and I have mine too. I am trying to stand by her and support her through all of this. But lately it's been taking a toll on me. Last night I went out with some family members and friends and I'm reaching out for support right now because I'm reallllly hurting. They understood and were there for me.

I don't know what to do. I am going to discuss these things with her tonight because they can lead to the demise of a relationship. I want so badly to work this out. I'm hoping and praying that we can. Please Help!

October 7, 2003
8:33 pm
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gingerleigh
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Marriage at 22? Why the rush? I didn't believe this when I was 22 either, but in your mid twenties, you go through some pretty major personality upheavals, discovering yourself, your methods to your own madness. Are you sure that you're ready?

October 8, 2003
10:18 am
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artist 2
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How old is this "girl"? Personally I think she needs a chill pill. Sounds like she may be taking out her personal work on you, rather than taking it on herself. Is she seeing a therapist? You, at 22, have so much ahead of you in life, there's simply NO RUSH to marriage. In this case, I'd give it even more time...

October 8, 2003
10:40 am
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mj
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Hi Mr. Anonymous,
A while back her family was giving you grief and trying to keep you apart as well...if my memory serves me correctly.

I hope that you can cherish yourself here. Its no fun having someone dish there dirt on us. Try to express your feelings directly to her. If she continues discounting you, then it is better you find out now before you get married. Sometimes we rush into love too quickly. I know I did.
Glad to see you back.

October 8, 2003
12:53 pm
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Anonymous
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Sounds like she's ambivalent about you and about the attraction she feels for you. She sounds confused to me, and she alternates between blaming herself for it and blaming you. Sounds also like she has serious concerns about your ability to function like a total adult, independent from your family.

I am almost sure she'll end up succeeding in turning you against her and making you hate her. She sounds quite self-destructive to me. I have no doubt you'll make it, I'm more worried about her.

Just my hunches.

October 8, 2003
1:45 pm
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gypsygirl
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I agree with the personality changes. I met my S.O. when I was 21 and now I am 27, I have changed alot in the past year or so and my vision of myself if far different than it was 7 years ago. While my so is still doing the same things, they bother me now. Back then they didn't. He is 32 now. I sometimes tell him what the new me wants and he changes for about a week then he is back to his old self.

October 8, 2003
5:30 pm
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Mr. Anonymous
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Hi all,

Thanks for your input! We did have a heart 2 heart last night concerning these issues. We have both agreed that we need some more therapy b4 we walk down the aisle. We are staying together and both reassured each other that problems arising do not create grounds for separation. You just must be willing to work through them. And we are. You know, I think I'd be pretty upset if I didn't have my little old lady in my life LOL! She's 28 and I'm 22 hence the expression (just a little humor). But on the serious side, I do love her and am planning to spend the rest of my life with her. And believe me, we will wait, we are getting married in Dec. of 2004, that should give us ample time. I am very confident in our ability to work through things, we've worked through a lot worse in the past.

October 13, 2003
9:08 am
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darth
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I got married #1 at 23. It was all about sex at that time.What a mistake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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