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I live for abuse but why????
September 25, 2002
12:34 pm
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lyn
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I'm sick of this just completely sick of this. let me put it this way i have been broken up with this person for over a year yet periodically i still call him only to hear what a loser i am how fat i am how he's dating now.... and one girl is blonde, has a mercedes and is awesome....
part 2- the guy that i used to help me get over the last guy, i treated him like crap but he was a sweetie we ended that about 7 months ago... I still call him periodically also only to hear (in a nicer tone than the other ex) this isn't going to work i don't have feelings for you like that anymore (mainly because i treated him terribly) and he's over it already... he pretty much tells me i have to move on...
so i continue on with my pathetic cycle when one hurts my feelings i call the other only to get my feelings hurt again... Why can't i just not call... it's been about 6 months now that i have been alone for the first time since i was 14 but i thought it was supposed to get easier i just miss the both of them more and more it's like an addiction that i can't get rid of ..I know neither of them are good for me but nothing better has come along and i'm not supposed to touch it if it does come along cause i know i'm not ready ...i know i need to be alone but this constant self abuse is ridiculous i don't know how to stop myself from calling and then when the call is over i feel worse about myself than before I called... ughhhh
HELP PLEASE!!!!

September 25, 2002
1:12 pm
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Cici
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Can you identify what things you may go through before you get the impulse to call either of them? Maybe there is something triggering you to seek out this abuse. A lot of times, when you feel badly about yourself you look for evidence that proves you are not a good person. Self-fullfilling prophecy and all that.

So is there anything in particular that can trigger the impulse to call them? Are you feeling badly about yourself or suffering from low-self esteem? If so, why?

September 25, 2002
1:35 pm
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lyn
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cici you are absolutely right i almost feel like there's something wrong with me if i don't have a boyfriend. I feel not whole i get sad. I'm notorious for the "drunk" call i get sad when i drink and then i call one of them ... but i've gotten better at that for example stopping myself (by the way i know what your thinking i don't have a drinking problem i'm 24 and lucky if i get drunk 3 times a month, I work to much for that).... i know i'm suffering from low self esteem and most if not all of my friends have boyfriends right now and i don't and that's hard as well...i come home and my roommates have there significant others there and i want to vomit....(i know it's not there faults but ughhhh very frustrating).

September 25, 2002
1:43 pm
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gingerleigh
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Hi Lyn,

I would be the last person to suggest that you have a drinking problem. But to me, drinking to get drunk three times a month is still a lot. Hell, drinking once a year to get drunk is a lot,and here's my reasoning. I hate to hear that you are in that much pain that you need to dull it with something, that's what I'm pointing out, not that you "drink too much".

Before you can fix what's really hurting you inside, you need to quit pouring salt on your wounds by calling these dudes. Erase their numbers from your cell phone, remove them from your speed dial, and heck, maybe even ask the phone company if they could put a block on those numbers on your own phone? Seems like it would be possible.

That's tactical, something to get you to stop calling them. Just make it impossible for you to call them. Then when the urge strikes, you flat out can't honor that urge and will save yourself some heartache.

How about getting a place on your own, no roommates? That will keep you busy, and the selection process that goes into picking a place, painting your walls, etc. kind of gives you a clue into who you are without a boyfriend.

As for fixing the hole within, I'm not feeling real qualified to speak to that today. Someone else I bet will have some suggestions of nice things or rewards you can give yourself for staying "clean" (i.e. not indulging in your addiction to abuse from past loves).

September 25, 2002
3:03 pm
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Ladeska
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It never really "satisfies"....when you look into a mirror that someone else is holding of who you are - while bypassing your own self knowledge of who you are, what makes you happy and makes you tick. It just leaves you "limp" when they are gone because without them - you have no identity. Can you fix that? Of course you can but it begins with getting your own mirror and maybe for the first time hearing what your own self talk is. If it's always nasty what goes on in your mind about "you" - then I guess you would be trying to drown it out by having someone around you all the time to take your mind off it, tell you something else or validate that you are this and that. Your belief system about you is 'askew' - therefore you really have to have someone else prop you up.

Can all this energy chasing them and getting your fix be turned around and aimed at you? Of course it can, but you have to first realize what's going on here and then you have to want to throw that energy - into you where it belongs.

Then..........you can share with someone else and find an "equal". If you don't like you - no one else will either and you'll find yourself - right here - over and over again.

Sometimes self talk is out of real guilt for things you have or have not done.. And then some of that is about what others have convinced you are and you have believed them and it became - law.

And some of it is because we are lazy, rather get a quick fix than really take the time to "solve the problem", OR we have had a few major blows in life that have created a big nasty ulcer in us and we keep walking around with the bandaid on it - instead of getting radiation.

September 25, 2002
3:40 pm
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lyn
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thanks guys you're right i suppose i am afraid to look within..this has been going on so long i think it is law... i just accept it and give into my urges... the sad thing is i don't want to know what will happen if i don't call.... I hate the feeling i get when i get the urge and the only way to soothe that feeling is to give in and call.

i would love to get a place of my own but it is not feesable for me right now and to be honest i think i need my roommates around there are times when they keep me preoccupied... one of my roommates is my best friend from child hood we did everything together and i've always been the one with the boyfriend now she has a boyfriend and rarely get to see her it stinks... i think i'm just genuinly lonely so i look to these (dimwits) to fill a void that i know only i can fill

i think i am going to put a block on my phone so i can't call there numbers... (absolutely genius)

September 25, 2002
3:40 pm
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Cici
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Read over the advice from Ladeska and Ginger. I couldn't put it better myself. If you can't trust yourself and your own self control to stop hurting yourself, then remove the ability to fulfill your addiction.

Living by yourself would be a great start. It's such a great way to get to know yourself, which we put off most of the time because of boyfriends, friends, roommates - not a lot of time left for you to just be you and understand you for you. (Lots of yous in that sentance).

September 25, 2002
4:44 pm
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Ladeska
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I sit and think sometimes about what we watch on T.V. and in movies and it's just such a bunch of garbage....if you wear these jeans - he will be attracted to you, if you drive this car or have this cell phone you will be successful in business and in marriage, if you look like a rail and can count those ribs in back and front and walk on pencil legs with a dynamite boob job - then you are beautiful....blah, blah, blah, blah, BLAH! We get this barrage 24/7 and sometimes - it's good to swear off of T.V., magazines, movies and go on a retreat without leaving your space. I mean what would happen if you read things that really feed your mind - something you are truly interested in that uplifts you, inspires youl, makes you think, makes you giggle? What if you really, really handpicked the movies you watched and only watched quality? What if you made a list of things to do that you truly enjoy doing, but just Never do them and start doing that - as a way of getting to know yourself instead of wanting other people to entertain you on the tube or otherwise. You feel empty cause - you ain't feeding yourself anything of value here. You're eating out of garbage cans and that's not going to satisfy you! You gotta CREATE that diet, that table has to be set - for "YOU"....not anyone else right now. It needs to be tailored for you and to you. If you go around all the time eating off of other people's plates - you're just going to get hungrier and hungrier and more frustrated and empty.

Move all the crap off the table and only bring to it - what is about you and jazzes you, intrigues you, inspires you, and doesn't leave you hungry like you are now..... Our life gets cluttered sometimes with alot of noise, other people's noise...and we don't even realize how clouded we get with all that. We do have control of the buttons......we just don't use that control.

September 25, 2002
5:20 pm
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lyn
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ladeska you're right... the first ex always told me i was never good enough mind you everyone and i mean EVERYONE even his friends told me i was too good for him... but i could never fit the mold he wanted the second guy worshipped the ground i walked on andloved me and my body for everything and i treated him like garbage i thought i wasn't worthy and now that heis rejecting me and treating me as bad as the first ex i want him back so badly it's all just sick...
i have been reading books a lot and trying to rid my mind of social pressures.... i just hate not being what he wanted me to be...

September 25, 2002
10:12 pm
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Ladeska
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What HE wanted you to be? What about your own standards of what YOU want you to be? And who will you serve when this master is gone?

September 26, 2002
9:08 pm
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Anonymous
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Lyn, leave guy number two along. I've been in his shoes before, and personally, we just want to forget you ever existed. Now I know that sounds harsh, but thats why he is acting towards you so differently.... you left a sour spot in his heart and he just wants to move on. The same approach you should take with guy number one.

September 26, 2002
11:47 pm
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redly deadly
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To all, A lot of great support here and truth.I see myself doing same old stuff expecting different results.After many bad marriages have to look at self. Learn to love self, learn who I am and not live to please man.Beleive until I c an do this will not be much benefit in another relationship.Ty for being here and all good input.Must quit eating out of garbage cans.lol

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