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i let my ex bf back,now he's blanking me.
August 12, 2008
6:19 am
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newday1
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hi guys,
im feeling pretty stupid now.ok heres what happened.i was seeing this guy 18mths ago,however he was not giving me enough of his time,eg i remember noticing i had seen him twice in 5 weeks at one stage. he lives 1 hr away but kept making excuses he had work etc so i broke it off with him,and told him why.he got back in touch last summer just some texts,half heartedly wanting to meet up,i suspected it was for sex(i was working hard with my counsellor then and paying good attention to red flags) when i wouldnt let him come to my town,it basically died a death.

forward on to 3 weeks ago,i am on another dating website,and he messages me. i replied as friends would do,he asked me to call him some time,and after much persuasion i did. he wanted to bring me to dinner,it was like old times,he knew me well,we didnt stop chatting,well u can imagine what happened after dinner,we got pretty close,however he declined to stay the night!made no future date,texted me when he got home. the next day i texted him because he said he had a doctors apt for recurring headaches,to see how he was,i mean we are friends now if nothing else right? wrong,no reply,i phoned him,left a message. no response.

how did i let this happen. i feel ten steps back,the proverbial booty call. i am 31 years old for god sake.i am tempted to text him abusive messages to show him my hurt and my anger.did he have it all planned just to hurt me because i finished with him all that time ago. i feel really sick about it.what can i do to get over yet another disappointment?

August 12, 2008
6:28 am
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suzieQ_85
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ok first of all: dont text him anything!!!!! keep the power to yourself. Its what im going through now and each and every time i dont contact him, i feel stronger

Secondly: this guy is not even your friend. definitely not your friend.

From what im reading he just needed a fix and he's had it and he's moving on. (sorry for being harsh) The only thing you can do is see this for what it is: a lesson.

We all have lessons to learn, even when we get older. Dont beat youself up, especially dont beat yourself up.

Dont try to figure out why he's done what he's done but focus on why you let him in again. That is power.

I totally understand what youre feeling and going through. Keep posting!!

August 12, 2008
6:34 am
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sad sack
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HI newday,

No, I would not send him abusive messages. What positive result would emerge from that? I would just look at this as a lesson learned.

Are you still working with the counselor? If not, I would advise you to go back. You absolutely need to explore why you jump from one relationship to the next. You also need to go back and review how to recognize and resist those glaring red flags.

I have followed your threads. You appear to set yourself for these neverending disappointments. My suggestions is to work on yourself a bit more. Learn how to just enjoy being by yourself. Stop seeking out men to validate who you are and to make you happy. They do not have that power in the long run.

Go back and reread some of your old threads. You will see a pattern (as I have). I do wish you well.

sad

August 12, 2008
6:54 am
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newday1
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hello again and thank you for the prompt replies.
you have not said anything that i havent thought about myself so it is not being harsh.
suzieq_85,thaks for your response-i have texted him once and rung once,left an upbeat message how his doctors apt went,no abuse or anything else....he probably thinks i havent copped on yet,that bugs me too.
sad sack,i do crave a relationship like all my friends. unfortunately i do seem ot be the one who has nobody steady,actually nowadays it barely gets off the ground before it is over again. i seemed to have more success when i was younger and had had no counselling.today i feel sick to the pit of my stomach once again,i have been totally taken in and used,and i was right there watching it all unfold.

i feel whats d point in conunselling anymore,i have gone steadily for 4 years,and what ahsit helped me if i get myself into these situations again and again so desperate am i for love from these men who dont want to give it.

August 12, 2008
7:03 am
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suzieQ_85
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you might want to try a different therapist?
Anyways, the reason why you(and that goes for me too)dont have anyone steady is because we pick the wrong men.

But you know, id actually rather be by myself than with someone who is not right for me and not making myself happy. how about you?

August 12, 2008
7:10 am
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newday1
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its always easier to blame someone outside myself for my mistakes. actually i dont think it is the therapist's fault,i used to think like you suzie,when i started therapy i was really strong,into discovering how i could be alone,was alone completely for 2 years,started dating again,nothing has changed ,i am still picking the wrong men,cant see the wood for the trees,sorry im feeling very disillusioned today,i know u are only trying to help and that is why i logged on here this morning. thanks again.

August 12, 2008
8:10 am
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autumn128
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Newday,

I would look at this situation like a learning experience. It doesn't sound to me like he was ever really there for you emotionally. You and I are both the same age, I'm actually a couple of years older. I know how you feel, I'm tired of playing the games and would like to settle down with someone real.

Don't compromise your beliefs. Get what you want out of life. Don't give up, even when you feel like doing just that. I've had a tough couple of weeks of lonliness lately. I'm just working through it the best I can.

Focus on yourself right now.

Autumn

August 12, 2008
8:31 am
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newday1
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hi autumn128,

i am very disappointed to tell you the truth. he talked the talk the other night,i felt that there was intimacy there. someone real indeed,that is what any of us wants. i think that it is the blanking bit that hurts the most. so who i saw on sun night is not the real guy,intead it is the cold and unresponsive person who i see now. i have been deceived. actions etc.

i agree feeling tired of such a scenario is common too.all i can do is focus on today making better choices for my future.

August 12, 2008
8:39 am
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autumn128
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Newday,

It's okay to be dissapointed. I've been there. It's not a good feeling when people treat us this way. You will make better decisions for your future. Some men just have no shame. They will use people and dispose of them. These men are selfish and are really insecure deep down inside. I'm sure he has done this to other women too. Forget about him, and move on. He's not worth it.

Autumn

August 12, 2008
9:08 am
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lovin life
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don't beat yourself up about it. hey, you got laid too!! LOL just put your guy hat on and put HIM as a notch on YOUR bedpost.

and next time he calls/texts (and he will since it worked out so good for him this last time), be sweet as pie and promise to get together, and blow him off!! (sweetly, of course)

WHOOO HOOO!

August 12, 2008
9:30 am
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soofoo
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Hey newday,

Don't be hard on yourself about this. Dating in your 30's is extremely difficult, because you have more manipulators (professional daters) on the field at this age than at any other age. If you want a LTR you have to be able to sift through a whole bunch of men who are very good at acting like they want that too, but really just want to make you want them without giving it back. It's no piece of cake.

Lovin life's advice is good, if you can do it.

August 12, 2008
9:54 am
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newday1
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soofoo and lovin life-thanks,as u know already it means something to be listened to if nothing else.plus it is good to get independent take on it. it didnt quite go to sex but lets just say he got more out of it than i did. thats probably what bothers me too. i have been reading back over the language of letting go by beattie,how apt. it says people can display old behaviours long and well into recovery but it is nothing to worry about. it recommends doing what is possible,loving myself,forgiving myself quickly and as often as necessary. that is what i am going to concentrate on for today,as well as the old adage,players only love you when they're playing!

for now,and probably forever i am done with contacting him.i dont think he will contact me again but as lovin life said it has worked well for him in the past so i have to be prepared............to tell him to go to hell. cheers!i am ok and i will be ok but u know how it is and thanks for ur support.

August 12, 2008
10:49 am
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fantas
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(((Newday1))),

I think you should forgive yourself. This is just a yardstick of the work you still need to do. Now you know that you are still vulnerable to users which means you need to observe people for longer periods of time before you give anything of yourself. This fellow once again triggered your abandonment wounds and this is really what you are feeling. He came promising you love, joy, acceptance, you believed him, then he used you and left. It's hard to see it now but I think you are well on your way to doing and feeling better for yourself.

I think the more important thing here is to figure out what you will do the next time he calls? Which I think he will call, given the fact that you called him and left messages inquiring about him. He now thinks that he's got you and he will give you another booty call. My rule is, if he doesn't call me on Monday or Tuesday to make a Friday or weekend date, I'm busy. Even if he calls on those days, I always say that I will get back to him to confirm and I wait another two days. On the day of the date, I drive myself and I go late. I eat what I want, he pays for it, and then I go home after a hug. Most times they never call again:).Then I know that it was a booty call.

For some of those who persevere, I never call them to check up on them, they call me. I also never ask to meet them again unless they ask first. Some guys will say "let's do this again, and I say "I'd love to, call me when you are free" If they call, then we go and this time I'm less abnoxious but I still keep all of my space to myself. By the third date of this, the serious ones hang on and the booty callers are long gone but I had fun with them all and kept myself emotionally safe.

August 12, 2008
1:34 pm
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newday1
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agree agree agree fantas,totally. i can process what has happened quickly and see it for what it is,i have to.also the fact that i had been with him before should have counted for nothing re the liberties i gave him/he took.

for example when we got back from the restaurant,he didnt wait to be asked in,he just assumed,and i didnt set a boundary,so he took advantage. i am not normally so givish,it had gone so well...as u quite rightly observed he was everything i wanted him to be on that date. if i dig a bit deeper there definitely were red flags,eg he did not ask me if i i would like desert or a coffee,just got the bill,and also seemed a bit reluctant to go for a drink afterwards. wanted to get back to mine asap. well i have a degree in hindsight at this stage,with honours,what i really need is a little more foresight. as a very smart lady called ladeska said on this "time is ur friend,use it wisely slow down". too true.

thanks for the hugs fantas.

August 13, 2008
9:49 am
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newday1
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i was feeling a bit better today,went back to the dating sir=te just looking around,noticed that he is back online today,clearly wasting no time, i mean a man with boobs like his must be inundated with action..

August 13, 2008
10:32 am
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atalose
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I would suggest you stay away from that dating site it seems to be a way for you to know what he is doing and it's only going to continue your hurt.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

August 13, 2008
10:48 am
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lovin life
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LOL....he has big MAN boobs?!?

((newday))

you go girl!

August 13, 2008
10:52 am
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newday1
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lets just say he has not improved since the last time. yes they are bigger tahn mine,never thought i would date a guy with that credential.

obviously i am still hurting somewhat. i was close to sending something like the above to him,why is no contact so hard!

August 13, 2008
10:59 am
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newday1
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it doesnt matter now atalose,i have to go on with my life and meet someone else,i just made a mistake in letting him back,there was good reason i finished with him the first time. the dating site isnt bad otherwise,i just have to be more careful.

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