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I left but I'm still full of guilt. Please..........
March 3, 2006
4:05 pm
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gofigure
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September 24, 2010
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I am not sure what to do—or maybe I’m not sure how to feel okay about what I’m doing. I’ve been separated from my husband for all of 5 days; I’m the one who left, my choice, brought my 10 & 11 yr. old girls with. I talk to my husband several times a day and have seen him at least once a day. This is at his request, and because I want things to be civil (friendly even?). We have a counseling appointment in a couple of weeks, but in the meantime I’m hoping for some words of wisdom from you incredible people.

At this point, we are having a trial separation-no legal papers have been filed. The counseling is to see if there is enough left for a marriage to survive. Honestly I have my doubts, but I probably haven’t been terribly clear about that with him. At the moment I’m having a really hard time knowing how to deal with his depression and sadness, his desire (need according to him) to talk to me and see me so often, and all the reassurances he requests. He has asked to “have sleepovers” with me and the kids, the thought of which makes me very uncomfortable—and I have no intention of giving in to this. But I just don’t know how to deal with all the guilt I feel for “doing this to him” (though the problems that made me want to leave weren’t created in a vacuum!). I honestly feel I have tried to make things work until my emotional strength gave out and I’d had enough. But I feel more terrible than I can say because I feel like I’m ripping his life apart. He a good man and he has a good heart and he’s been cooperative through the weeks leading up to my move. But he’s selfish and I don’t completely trust him and so much has gone on through our nearly 12 year marriage that I feel justified. Justified and guilty—ridiculous combination, but there it is.

How can I stick to my boundaries while at the same time being somewhat gentle? Is there any way to do this? The last thing I want to do is help create a situation that will only hurt and confuse the kids more than they already are. I worry that I don’t know what I’m doing.

Thanks,
~go

March 3, 2006
4:23 pm
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kathygy
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September 30, 2010
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gofigure,

I can relate to your guilty feelings about your husband. When I left my marriage I felt terribly guilty because it tore my husband apart.

I used to come over everyday at first but he always wanted me to spend the night but I would go home and he would feel like his heart is being ripped apart everytime I left.

But I wasn't even tempted to spend the night because that's not what I wanted. Never do anything out of guilt because then you are betraying yourself.

My husband didn't take care of himself by telling me not to come over anymore because it hurt him too much.

Your husband is setting himself up by asking you to sleep over.

you are not responsible for his feelings and as you said he has a big part in the reason you left.

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