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I know it's over, BUT
August 22, 2000
11:47 am
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hopefuljj
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I am very recently divorced, 10 year marriage to what I call a "dry alcoholic." I had a short but intense relationship with a fella who I adore in the middle of the divorce process. But I adore him more for who I know he can be than for who he is. Sound familiar? This fella has an extremely dominating/controlling mother, and married a woman very similar, who is emotionally abusive. He basically becomes a doormat to please her. We met when he was separated from her. I set boundaries, I constantly encouraged him but tried not to "rescue" him. After an ultimatum one night that he start giving back to the relationship and get counseling, and him stating that he would try and set an appointment, his wife came back into the picture and snatched him away. She used those famous words, "I've changed!" Left me holding the bag. I know I have to keep living, but my question is: did I plant a seed that could grow, and is there any hope for us having a "normal" relationship if/when he gets rid of this woman? He is a victim/pity me kind of guy. Am I "caretaking?" What do you think?

August 22, 2000
12:59 pm
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Molly
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Sounds like a rebound like romance. I don't know of many that work out smoothly any how, right after divorce, every one is too confused, rebellious, and needy. How long between divorce, and this romance for you? Definately not enough time for him if he was in the process. With your description, I am sure the guilt overwhelmed him, and when she tugged the chain he folded. What do you want with a whimp anyhow? It sorta makes sense again considering your description of him, if he gave to mom, and to the dominating wife, that he might suck you dry, filling up on all that he gave for the rest of his life. doesn't sound like a good bet. If he does get to the point of breaking away, he will need time to heal, recover, and discover him self, at least a 2 year project. Don't you deserve better? When you think about it, I don't know how much time and energy you have invested in this person, but you are dating right? With so many fish in the sea, why one that you know or suspect needs therapy? I imagine that you are filled with self doubt, your divorce, now this break up, but give your self some time, spoil you,love you, caretake you. Good Luck

August 22, 2000
2:21 pm
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hopefuljj
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Thanks Molly. These other fish, are they beautifully striped, big bass who feed topwater or are they icky, slimy, bottom-feeders? I separated from my ex in January, met the new guy in March, and he left me in June. Divorce was final beginning of August. I know! I know! I'm not even gonna talk about love--I've got a big heart. We had so much in common, 10-year marriages down the tubes, small children, same small home town, went to school together, we could really relate. And I gave and gave and gave, with very little in return. BUT, we could have everything if he would just, (do what I want him to do :~) So why can't I let go? And no, the last thing I want is a wimpy "boy." He abandoned me (my greatest fear realized--wow, I didn't lay down and die!). I'm waiting for a miracle. And in the meantime, I could be missing someone really great who I don't have to fix. But I'm scared. Scared I'll make the same mistakes, wind up with a jerk, or alone. I want to be an independent, unneedy, anticlingy woman, but I would also like to share my life with someone---wonderful! So, where are the bass?

August 22, 2000
3:22 pm
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Molly
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Thats a good question, and I try not to think about how I fell into the I've changed trap.It is slim pickins out there. I made a big mistake by getting into a relationship after my divorce , caught this bass, and although not all bad, not all good. We seperated for 18 months after almost 10 years, and I learned about me during that time. I now so strongly believe that after a divorce, that you should be alone for at least 2 years. 1 gives you time to reflect on the failed marriage, and shed the pain alone, learning the truth with out some lust ful, ego feeding romance, that usually goes plop. Its lonely, and it is hard. My girlfriend and I were talking about it yesterday. We were evesdropping on a group of women in their 60's and 70's talk. My friend is 50, and I'll be 47, its strange how we spend our lives with men, for men, and end up alone. Wether you have one or not! Priorities change, and since you are newly divorced now, it would be a good time to focus on you. Get a good sense of financial security, create your own support system(other women), live where you want, travel where you want, raise your children the way you want, with out comprimise, because that is all the women were talking about. All the comprimises that they had made for what??? We all agreed that we all got married to young, and never developed a strong sense of self, or became financially independent, couldn't work because of him, or the money went here because he said so, never went to the Orient because he wasn't interested, this one poor lady said she only got to listen to her favorite radio show when she got to escape him, and now that he was retired, it was hard. But in my heart, I believe that when we are a whole person, that we attract whole people, and with as messed up as everyone is from the premature mistakes we made, its gonna be a challenge to find the prize, but its out there, either you stay and put in the time and effort and lessons, like jaskid sounds like or get it together after, and don't repeat.

August 22, 2000
11:10 pm
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kitten
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Hey Molly,
I haven't posted for awhile, although I have been reading. I must say your response was/is great! I too, am dealing with an on-going man problem. Sometimes it's on, sometimes not. What you said hit home...we (women) usually end up alone--without men. We struggle and sacrifice, giving up dreams and sometimes basic freedoms just to have a man hold us and tell us we are loved. Believe me, I'd probably stand on my head in Times Square for my man. Yet, what is that going to do for me? Help me to find a cure for cancer, feed the masses, raise my children? No, it's just going to ease things until the next time I have to prove myself to him. I do get it, it makes perfect sense, now if only my libido would just agree. It's funny how an intimate physical connection can affect one's outlook. Maybe I'm rambling, but your post has gotten my brain cells to move in a new and different direction. Hummmnnn...

August 25, 2000
2:09 pm
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hopefuljj
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Hi. Came back for an update. After 10 1/2 weeks, the guy I was seeing called me. No, not to see how I was, but to ask me to lie to his wife. Apparently she is having trouble forgiving him for what he did while they were separated, and he is trying to minimize our relationship to pacify her. Well, she obviously didn't call, because you know she doesn't want me to know that they are fighting because of me! I don't understand how you can tell somebody you care for them, immerse yourself into their life, and then just --- leave, and then call to ask for a favor! He couldn't even suck up to me and ask how I was! And I have spent, like I said 10 1/2 weeks wasting my energy and time on this bozo, hoping and praying that he would get a grip! How come someone be so self-centered? Jerk.

Also, as a response to the previous exchanges, I understand where you guys are coming from, but tell me it's possible to be friends with a man, and a lover, and a companion? I want it all, and why not?

August 28, 2000
12:59 pm
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Molly
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I don't think it is possible, because we are different, and its the differences that keep us attractive. We become boring to them, when they become our lives, just like they want us to. It is a very very strange catch 22 that sets us up for the flop. I don't want to be one of his buds, and that is how you end up getting treated. Kitten the libido thing, watch out, because that is part of what the older women were talking about, their libido dissappears, they have headaches all the time, and that sucks. They get darn honery when you fineally are asking for it, and it doesn't work any more.

August 29, 2000
11:02 pm
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kitten
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Well, the libido is doing very well...if anything it is too strong. And that is the problem. As I've gotten older my values have gotten a lot higher. So, now I'm in a hold pattern with the relationship, but I have a hard time putting the desire in check. I also CANNOT be intimate with anyone else just for the sake of sex. As silly as this seems, I can't even imagine kissing another man. Yet I also know that life goes on-- I can't wait forever for this man to get over his marriage fears. It is a strange Catch 22.

August 31, 2000
5:00 pm
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b23rd
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Sometimes I think that we get caught up in what we think are good ideas.
I am sure that you and this guy get along great together, but, whatever iti is that the two of you have/had, is it worth all of this confusion and uncertainty?
Believe me, I am not harping on you or tlooking down on you.
But, I believe that with our one life that we have to live, we should live to the fullest we possibly can---do what makes us happy, no regrets.
Can you really honestly tell yourself---noone else that this is the thing that you really want?
If you could have written the story about how your life was going to end up, is this what you would have wanted?
What about fore your children?
Never want less for yourself that you would not want your own babies to have.
do not settle for less---make yourself happy and I have a feeling that this is not what it is.
I think you might be so stuck on this guy because you have fooled yourself into thinking that at this late in the ballgame---he has to be it or you will make him be it.
Maybe I am wrong, but I have a feeling that I am not that far off.
I wish you the best and hope that you find the one, and if you don't, NEVER let a man determine your self-worth.
good Luck

September 2, 2000
11:45 pm
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kitten
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I can't speak for others, but for me, it's not too late in the ballgame. Yes, I might be close to forty, yet I am just at the beginning of life. There are other men around me, good, honest men. They are friends, nothing more. I am in love with one man. Only one. It's not that I want to be a martyr, but I do not believe in the easy come, easy go philosophy. Still, I know I have to keep growing...there is so much in my life that needs seeing, doing. I have not told him this, but I have a deadline. If by the end of October things aren't better, I'm gone. By the way, I do make myself happy...very happy. I am a passionate, creative woman. There isn't a man on this earth who can take that away from me. I am in the business of living--to the fullest. I do not expect a man to complete me. I am complete in myself. The idea of marriage is to share life. Just like a big ole plate of pasta. Think of that Disney movie where the two dogs are eating spaghetti in the alley behind the Italian restaurant. Sharing one strand until their lips touch. We all have to share what we have with those we love, including our families and friends. Yet, it's with our lovers that our lips touch over that one strand--connection!

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