Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
I know it isn't healthy!!!
January 17, 2001
11:36 pm
Avatar
toonces
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I have some serious issues. I was raped when I was 11 years old and I never told my parents or anyone that could do anything about it. I sometimes wonder still if it was partly my fault. I'm an 18 year old female. Right now I'm in a "relationship" with a guy who is a bit older than I am. In the past six months I have had 4 sexual partners. When I first met him, I lied to him about how many people I had slept with because I feared he would not speak to me again. I thought he was like every other A-Hole I had met. He knew I was lying, and gave me many opportunities to come clean about it but I continued to deny that I was not telling him the truth. About a month into the relationship, i told him. It didn't make me feel any better. He didn't make me feel any better. All of the "I'm sorry-ies" in the world could not compensate for what I had done. I like him more than any other person I've ever encountered before. We have sex alot and it's phenomenal- but I don't want it to be about sex. I really like him as a person and I feel terribly about how I've done him wrong. He comes out with little comments all the time to let me know he doesn't trust me. When we have a conversation, it usually has something to do with how there's something wrong with me. I don't know what to do. I can't convince him that he's the only person that I'm with and that he's the only person that I want to be with. I spend alot of time thinking about him and things that I can do to make him happy. I feel emotionally strained and confused. I don't think he'll ever trust me or really love me, but there's something inside of me that won't let me give up on him. I'm not sure what the purpose of this message is anymore. I don't keep a diary- maybe I should start. If anyone has any advice or comments, i could use the input. Thanx to anyone who actually reads this whole thing. It took effort to get it out of my head.

January 18, 2001
1:05 pm
Avatar
eve
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hi there, of course you know that it's not healthy. But I don't find it such a BIG problem that you didn't tell him right away. So the real big problem is that you are setting yourself up for more and more abuse. This can be a result of low self esteem and of past abuse. Now that you start feeling that something is wrong I wish you all the strength that you need to get help. But only you can get help for yourself. Start whith reading up on codependency on this site, there are also a lot of older threads that you could read. Keep us posted!

January 18, 2001
2:42 pm
Avatar
Cici
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I didn't tell my fiance (then boyfriend) about my number of partners unti about 4 months into our relationship. I felt that as long as we used protection (condoms) it wasn't an issue, and he agreed. Our relationship wasn't about the past, it was about us forging a new future together.

A diary is a great idea.

Now ask yourself if you don't want to give him up (and his cruel behavior towards you - and your cruel behavior towards yourself). DO you cling to him because there is real love there, or because you are afraid of being alone? Does he know about the rape?

I was raped twice as a teenager, once at age 12 and again at age 19. I think it's the most important issue in a sexual relationship, more so than the number of partner's you've had. rape trauma affects yoru ability to be emotionally connected, it affects your behavior in teh relationship, your feelings of security. I was always up front about my past in that respect.

January 18, 2001
10:41 pm
Avatar
vr
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

toonces,
I agree with the others and it isn't right for him to keep on punishing you for the past. You told him the truth and that should be it. It is his insecurity that is driving him to abuse you in this way - and it is abuse. Perhaps he thinks he feels somehow superior if he can put you down. You did not 'do him wrong' or do anything to him for that matter. Don't let him try to tell you that.
I was in a relationship somewhat similar and he even tried to tell me that I should have known that he would come along and that my past would bother him so I should have thought of that before. Sheeesh.
I'm sure that you have issues to deal with and you need all your resources to deal with them so don't let him sap your strength with his stuff. Let him deal with his own stuff. That is healthy.
God bless

January 20, 2001
1:30 am
Avatar
toonces
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you. I didn't think anyone would even take the time to read this let alone reply. I appreciate your comments and I'm beginning to realise that the real problem begins with him, not the fact that I wasn't upfront and honest to him about my past. He knows I've been raped. Though i've tried to explain to him how traumatic it was and how it still affects my life, I'm not sure he grasps the severity of it. As a matter of fact he's asked me how he can be sure that I didn't just tell him about it to make him feel bad for me. I don't want pitty, I just need him to understand whyI'm so sensitive and have doubts. His problem is that I never initially gave him the option of knowing the truth about my past and that I had to make up lies to cover my tracks. That is my problem and is because of my insecurity. He's also wary because of how his ex wife treated him. Because of her, he doesn't beleive alot of the things that I say. He's still used to not trusting her. I have to help him understand that i'm not her and I will be 100% faithful to him. In anyone's opinion, does it seem that there is any hope for the two of us to get along , be civil, and for him to ever trust me?
once again, thank you for your input. It's nice to know that someone is listening.

January 20, 2001
8:50 pm
Avatar
vr
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

There is no way for you to convince him. He has to decide to believe. All you can do is be yourself and heal yourself. You can't change him. Whatever happens with him, you have to deal with your own stuff and when you have, you will be much more secure. Hopefully he will work on healing himself and if that happens, perhaps the two of you will progress to a healthier state together. If he doesn't, you will move on and leave him in your dust.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
27
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110929
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38539
Posts: 714213
Newest Members:
stanley, LarteyWellnessGroup, dr ado spell caster, Leslie Ann Satin, overmyhead201, delight1080
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer