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I know I'm being petty, but I'm SOOOO tired...and I hate when people steal from me
May 21, 2004
2:35 pm
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Previously I mentioned that my bf is in rehab. I went to visit him once so far, it's kind of far and i don't drive anymore. Now I'm in summer school taking the last class of my degree and the workload is heavy. I hate school school so I'm pretty miserable, plus when I graduate I have to leave my job, etc... In short, I don't have what it takes right now to be the dutiful girlfriend and for once my boyfriend is trying to do the right thing.

It sucks in those places- I know that. But I can't go visit him. I'm so drained. Plus, it's not a lot, but I don't want to spend the bus money. The other day I went to cheer myself up w/music and when I looked for my limited edition dylan cd it was gone. Now, I know full well the thing has been missing for two years (we used together, and when I didn't care about my life, much less my cd collection, he sold 2/3s of it....had to come to $1000s). It doesn't matter, how long it's been gone, it just kicked up all these trust issues and now I don't want him in my house. How confusing is that? I love this guy to death, but I am just feeling too fragile to be hurt right now.

I know i'm just rambling, but I'm a mess. Exhausted, bitter, I'm angry about my job- I feel cheated- and I'm angry I don't have my bf to hold and comfort me. But then again, the more I think about it, I'm angry at him too.

I don't even know why I"m writing this... I don't have any real question. Except, how can I love someone I don't want in my house anymore.

May 21, 2004
3:50 pm
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you should ask yourself why you want to be with someone who disrespects you by stealing from you!! and maybe this is a time to have your bf get the needed help and for you to move on with your life with someone you can trust and be happy with.

May 21, 2004
5:32 pm
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Sometimes the best thing for two people who truly love each other is to let each other go and move on. It is very painful, because it's usually not what we want to do. I also know that holding on to a relationship that is pretty much over is like running around carrying a dead animal in your pocketbook and then wondering what keeps smelling things up.

If you can focus on yourself, maybe your BF will learn to focus on himself first and make a real recovery. Then when or if you decide you want to focus on a relationship, you can do it from a healthy place of trust, without carrying around all the dead and rotting baggage from the past.

Ren'ai

May 21, 2004
5:33 pm
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Maybe I just love him, plain and simple? Besides, I don't see greener things on my horizon. I don't want anyone else and I've been alone enough in my life not to need the time for self introspection. Believe me, I'm not getting any younger and I seldom come across men I care about. I've been through a lot of shit with men, as much as this all seems/sounds so awful to some... maybe the reason why I endure it is because I've seen the alternatives. I'm no prize, believe me, but even if I had my pick- I think I would still choose the same man because that is just how the heart is. It's not a logical thing. I sometimes think it's only 50% choice. Laws of attraction, etc.. I didn't go combing the streets for a man that would steal from me. I have a whole host of problems myself, and I think on a lot of levels he and I empathize with one another with an understanding I just cannot find in your average guy. Granted, when he was sick, he is not there for me, and his illness (which I think is a lot deeper than drug addiction) causes him to do things that hurt me. But he is not a vicious or mean person by any stretch. Yes, I am angry though. I am angry that the person I am in love with is troubled and I am angry that I have problems too. It seems to me that those without such afflictions, those who are healthy and have much going for them- attract similiar types and then society kisses them on the ass for being lucky on top of it. Well, they didn't give birth to their significant other... fate allowed them the good fortune of not having to worry about the one they are with. I have stopped talking to people like my mother about this relationship because I'm sick and tired of being treated like I did something wrong. She's so damn smug- as if her relationship was perfect and she and my dad haven't spent the past few decades bickering. In many ways- sick as it sounds- my relationship with my boyfriend is a lot more loving than the one i witnessed between my parents. Only choice is keeping me here...I just get angry the situation isn't easier. I've never stayed with a man if I felt I wanted to walk away an not turn back. I support myself, have no children and could "replace" my boyfriend in a week if I wanted to. I don't want to. I guess that's why it's so hard. Should we just bail on our relationships as soon as things get hard?

May 21, 2004
5:37 pm
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i'm not interfering with him focusing on him. The program advises people not to get out of relationships and not to start new ones in the first year.

The last thing he wants is for me to leave him and the feeling is mutual. I see no reason to let go, I just need coping skills. I'm not hurting him. I think that coda stuff is a bunch of bull personally. The guy has been on drugs for 20years. He has done less since he's been w/me than he has since he was 12. Give me a break. He'll worry about himself okay? Plenty of people are helping him so don't worry. I'm the one on the boards.

God, I hope if I ever get sick again my family and friends don't go running for the hills.

May 21, 2004
8:55 pm
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mzrella

sending hugs your way. I don't know what to say. I just feel for ya.

free

May 22, 2004
1:15 am
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Thank you Free.
I need that... sometimes we don't want to be told what to do... it's just company or understanding that we seek, you know? I figured that here, on a board where so many are struggling with codependency, that some people would be in similar situations: where getting out isn't always the answer- if it was, I for one wouldn't be here trying to work things out. I tried leaving this guy- that's not where my heart is. There's no great fear of being alone keeping me with him, (hate to say it- but even at my age, guys are a dime a dozen in NYC), if all it was was that I could find someone else that is a lot more "simple." I love my man, his flaws just happen to go hand in hand with some of his finest qualities.

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