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I know I'm a fool
October 21, 1999
8:03 pm
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jwt
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I've been married for 25 years to a wonderful woman who loves me very much. There is just no spark anymore either emotionally or physically. I work with a lady that just seems to brighten my whole world when we are together. I told her 2 years ago that I loved her. She was and is involved in a long term relationship (5+ years) with a man who is divorcing his wife and everyone expects to marry her. She says that she loves me and that we have a physical attraction that is far beyond anything she has experienced. I agree it is for me too. I cant get her out of my mind. I dont want to hurt my wife but I'm not sure I can be happy without this woman. She wont leave her relationship either. I know I am a fool and will probably lose both of them. Help!!!

October 21, 1999
11:08 pm
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T
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First of all you need to get out of the marriage you are in. You should have done that along time ago. If you have fallen out of love try to fall back into it. WHAT HAPPENED? That scares me about marriage. I am 28 and wanting to be married but my boyfriend is scared of just this thing. How do you know you can spend your whole life together. Try to work on the marriage or get out of it now. You will just hurt too many people in the long run if you live a lie each day.
Second of all, she needs to get out of her situation as well. Can't go any further with her (if you are truly in love) if she is still hanging on and you are too!

October 22, 1999
9:30 am
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Cici
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Consider this...you have devoted 25 years of your life to a woman who supported you through hard times and loves you still (although whether you merit this is another story all together).

My parents have been married for a little over 30 years. I asked my father how they remained so. He told me that both parties will feel the urge to be unfaithful. It is our ability to control our baser urges that makes us civilized humans. What is physical attraction? Did you hesitate to say lust? are you experiencing the second adolescence we sometimes call a "mid-life crisis"?

Consider that if you truly love your wife, or maybe even for the sake of the love you once felt for her, you might want to go to marriage therapy counseling. On the other hand, you can gratify your immediate desires and ruin the lives of your wife and this woman's partnes. So you mess up the lives of four people rather than take yourself in hand, control yourself and see a counselor.

On a side note, Viktor Frankl was a Jewish scientist sent to Auschweitz during WWII who went on to found his own school of psychotherapy. Here is an excerpt of an interview with him.

"What philosopher and lunatic had in common...is the certainty that happiness can be attained by furious pursuit and a consequent rage at the unsatisfying results. His useful word for this is "hyperintention," a tendency that only inflames what is usually the real problem, our own self-centeredness. 'Everything can be taken away from man but one thing - to choose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.' The sane are those who accept this charge and do not expect happiness by right. "

Think about this.

October 22, 1999
1:41 pm
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daizy
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Cici, you have a way with words. I agree with what you say, however I don't think I could have put it into words the way you have.
What I don't understand is how people feel the urge to walk away from marriage. I as well agree with your father. There is not a marriage that won't go through some difficulty, but to give in or give up is taking the easy way out. Thats why I feel many people take marriage to simply in that they feel "well you can always get a divorce", but they never seem to think of the trail of tears and hurt they will leave behind. And I'd also like to mention that I've heard so many adults talk about our younger adults/children and how they seem to think they are disrespectful, and hold no responsibilities, but yet as the older generation aren't we showing them all these traits to follow? So in a nutshell, I feel if people would give more effort in the world today, maybe we wouldn't have such high rates of divorce, crime, children in trouble, parent children relationships going to hell, ....the list could go on and on. I know I've gone off the subject a bit and I do apologize.
So all I can say to you, jwt, is have you really given to your relationship all that you can?

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