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I know i Should end it...
April 1, 2009
6:14 pm
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Gracey
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I agree with Ma Strong, no good could come of going over there.

April 2, 2009
1:08 am
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studeious
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Life on life terms.... Hello miss CNFUSE. If you never listened to anyone, listen to this... {TELL HIM TO KEEP THAT STUFF}> then send him a thank you card for being so nice> for charging such cheap price for such a valuable life leason..... He want take to kindly to that... but thats how you play.... Note-{NEVER FIGHT FIRE WITH FIRE... When he shoots fire at you, just side step it real real smooothly; THEN YOU COME BACK WITH YOUR 1000 POUND WATER HOSE.. trust me----"GAME OVER".... but once you do that, the game must be really over..... {NO SECOND CHANCES}. BECAUSE HE WILL BE BACK FOR ONE AFTER THAT STORM... BUT YOU MUST STICK TO YOUR GUNS..... STAY UP.

April 2, 2009
6:18 am
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sunshine88
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hi there, confused girl, i've been following this thread because i can relate so much with your situation.

just a few days back, you said you weren't ready to let go... here you are now doing your darnest best to do what is best for you. that's a great step to take, and no matter how much it hurts, you know in your heart, that this is the right thing to do.

all of us experience lapses of course. when i broke up with my ex, in a matter of days, i was planning a trip to another country to see him! this is when i realize, i really am addicted to this person. and i'm going to squeeze the bookshop to give me that book that Ma Strong recommended because i need a good royal verbal spanking to wake up to my senses.

so don't be surprised, some days you are strong, some days you are weak, some days you will regret ever letting go, some days you remember why you had to, most days will be tearful, and some days are numb. it's all part of the process of getting over.

what's important now is that you started, and what's second most important is that you have to keep it up. one way to stop yourself from lapsing, is to keep posting here, so that you are kept reminded of why you have to keep this up.

i hope i'm making some sense.. am blabbering! i wish you strength above all. first few days being alone is the hardest. this is when you need to be kind to yourself, and surround yourself with friends, people who make you laugh, no need to talk about over and over, unless you're gonna explode already. but get your mind off it, have some drink with your girlfriends, have some fun, see a ball game, travel, whatever would be of change, and you would enjoy.

i know it's just for coping for now. but just keep yourself busy by the hour. ugh, i'm talking from my experience! i almost burned myself out the past few days, because i made a lot of schedule for myself, and my body is now beginning to get tired. maybe we can learn from each other. am getting over myself...

April 2, 2009
2:42 pm
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Hi ConfusedGirl,

How are you today? Did you go to his house to retreive your belongings? How did that go?

I know that you are hurting and having a very difficult time. I am thinking of you and sending huge hugs your way. Every once in awhile remeber to breathe. Just take a long deep breath in and let it out very slowly.

Hope to hear from you soon.

((((CN)))))

PreciousG

April 2, 2009
5:11 pm
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StronginHim77
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We hope to hear from you soon. Please don't be afraid to post, if you did decide to go pick up your stuff. This is a forum where we offer advice to one another, as well as encouragement. But the bottom line decisions must be made by the individual. And no one will judge you for whatever choice you made.

Hoping you are OK...

- Ma Strong

April 2, 2009
6:13 pm
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readyforachange
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(((cnfused))) just a hug today. Know that this will get a little easier each day, and you will get a little stronger. Take one day at a time.

April 3, 2009
9:41 am
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cnfusedgrl06
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I did go and pick up my stuff. For some reason I felt like I had to. I wondered how he would act, and he lived up to my lowest expectations, acting as though we were great friends, he asked me how my day at work went and made conversation. How did my work day go? I spent most of it with my office door closed trying to make sure I could still breathe and not cry loud enough that other people could hear me. THat's how my day went. I told him it was long.

I got my things, made sure he deleted some pictures, and said "seeya" on my way out. I barely looked at him the whole time, and once I left, I just cried.

And I haven't stopped crying. Yesterday had moments where I forgot about it, and I felt great, but something - could be anything - would happen and I would remember and come crashing down. I woke up this morning and felt well rested and good, and then within seconds, remembered that he doesn't love me, doesn't want me, and that I have been deluding myself about his feelings for me... and again I am in tears.

I feel like i"m on the verge of breaking down all day and I feel like I'm going to throw up all day... I want it to stop... but it feels so crippling and overwhelming.

I keep wanting to call him and ask him why/how he can let me feel like this? why doesn't he love me, how long has he been pretending? Why would he drag it out? Just a month ago things seemed so good... how did he go from "crazy about me" to deciding we should end it?

I just felt ready... and I felt like he was the one, and I was willing and did put the time and effort in to bridge our differences... my family reminds me that it is not wrong to be invested in someone, that that is a good thing. and you can't blame someone for being in a different place. but don't you think that "being in a different place" really means "youre ok, but not enough for me to try." it means that I'm just not it for him. And so much i wanted to be it. I wanted him.

I feel broken. Like I'm going through the motions but like I'm numb to everything except how broken I feel. I want it to pass...and thinking about him moving on and being happy and finding someone else - I don't want to be the fool to sit around moping, but I can't help how I feel right now.

I am so tempted to get in touch with him. I won't, I know that I won't. I've put myself out there enough and I won't humiliate myself anymore in front of him. But I think about it.

Needing your support, thanks for everyone who has been thinking about me... I'm trying to get it together... there are flashes, and I hope that they start to come more often... right now I'm still at rock bottom...

April 3, 2009
10:33 am
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sexychoclady
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And the only way to go is up. Given what you have gone thru. Everything you are feeling is natural. But i promise you. If you keeping going thru the motions,(PLease don't contact him, you will be starting from square one again) Things will get better.I too wanted to know WHy, Why, Why.You know what.The stupid answers he gave me didn't make since, and it showed my desparation, and needy, clingy ways. Everthing is in divine order. TRy not to concern yourself with why. It is what it is. Know you are fighting for your life and sanity.You gonna have your moments,but in time u will see what a jerk he was.I know i did, i realize i had settle from the time i let him in my life.Believe me.Give time,time.

April 3, 2009
11:21 am
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((((CN))))

I am sooo sorry. Sounds like you handled yourself with dignity, class, and lots of strength when you were at his house.

It is going to be a tough. Like Sexy said, it is all natural. What you are experiencing the numbness, shock, broken ect. is all part of the natural grieving process. Ending a relatinship is much like a death. In some instances, it is worse because the person is still around.

It is unbelievably difficult and painful to try understand how you could have been so certain and truly believed that the person you thoiught that you would be with for the rest of your life is suddenly telling you that that is not going to happen. That yourhopes, dreams, and happiness has just gone poof in an instant. It is nothing short of utter disbelieve and pain like you have never experienced in your life.

You are going to ask yourself question, after question, after question and this normal too. What I encourage you to do is begin journaling to try to organize your thouhgts. Journaling also helps you to slow down a bit and really process your thouhgts and emotions. I was against journaling myself until I started and what a difference it made. When you are ready I really recommend journaling.

Again, I am so sorry that you have to experience this type of pain. I don't wish this pain on anyone. Just give yourself permission to griefe this loss tremendous loss. Allow yourself the time that you need to cry, scream, get angry whatever you need to do. Tyr not to fight it to hard it will only get worse if you do.

I know you want to call him. You think if I could only talk to him for a few minutes it will all be better. If he could just explain to me how/why I would an understaning and could move on. Well, unfortunately, as you say it wont help. I do encourage no contact at this point. If/when you feel the urge to call him contact a supportive friend, family member, or post here. There is always someone here to provide support.

What helped me not to contact my Ex was I realized that I had a choice to call him or not. I had control over that. What stopped me was that i was not willing to loose anymore self-respect or diginity. I was not willing to give him anymore of myself. Also, the biggest motivation is that I knew that I truly loved him and because I know that, I had to walk away and let him do what he wanted to do. I realized that sometimes the best to show someone that you love them is to let them go. While extremely painful it brouhgt me peace.

Sending you huge hugs. Thinking of you.

((((CN))))

PreciousG

April 3, 2009
11:45 am
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fantas
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(((Confused))), I'm sorry you are hurting like this. Hang in there and things will get better. Good for you for getting your things and not getting sucked back into the drama, but sticking to your purpose.

Often we tend to romanticize the relationship when it's over, for so many reasons. We get very sad and cry over what we hoped could have been, and often forget what the facts of the matter were. Keep both of these in mind where it regards this man. Who he really was as opposed to what you who you wished he was. Here is what you said,

"I feel like I should break up with him if only for my own sanity. I give him everything of myself, I do whatever I can to make this work between us because I think it's worth it, and I feel like I'm not getting any return back. But I don't know if i can do it... I don't know if I'm strong enough to break it off, because I so desperately want it to work... I thought he would be the one, and I don't know if I can do it. I'm scared to be alone again, and scared at the idea of staying alone. I know - I think - relationships shouldn't be this hard, and they shouldn't make you cry like this, right? If you love each other it should work, right? Someone tell me I'm not crazy... part of me knows/feels that even if I agree to this step backwards into less commitment etc. it won't really work, it's just a way to ease into breaking up, but I don't know if i can say no to it on the one in a million chance that it works and we both are happy together?"

You knew the relationship needed to end although you lacked the courage to end it. You hoped it would change, but you realized it was a remote Chance. I encourage you to grieve this loss and also than yourself for knowing what you are worth, for opening the door to have a more loving, caring, giving, person to enter your life. Be grateful for loving yourself enough to not allow this fool to con you back into this "heading nowhere" situation and for showing him this, in no uncertain terms.

The question isn't why he didn't love you enough, but what had he done to deserve you in the first place? He could see your value and you weren't having it.

You deserve so much better and you are on your way to getting it!!

April 3, 2009
12:38 pm
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cnfused,

I've heard it said that the reason we fall in love with someone is because they bring us closer to what it feels like to be close to our creator.

I've also heard it said that the reason he wasn't feeling the same about you has nothing to do with you. It just means he is not vibing the same as you. Kind of like when two people get involved at a young age and then as they get older grow apart.

Things change and people change. It doesn't mean he didn't love you or fell out of love with you. He's just in a different place right now.

It took me a long long time to get over my divorce but it was probably because I replaced my ex with someone else that wasn't much better and never gave myself the time to heal.

Take the time to get to know yourself again and feel comfortable being "with" yourself. It's easier said than done I know since I spent many nights crying myself to sleep, but in the end, you will thank yourself for giving yourself the time.

April 3, 2009
1:13 pm
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April 3, 2009
1:20 pm
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1Godwithus
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I can relate to exactly what cnfusedgrl06 has gone thru that last few days. I'm very proud of the way you handled yourself when you got your things. I am currently in a relationship that is probably headed in the same direction. He is very sweet and I love him very much. He has the same problem - his work, his emotional stability or other friends normally come first. We lived together and recently he has moved out. This was a joint decision, but one that I initiated. It has only been a few weeks since he left my house. I miss him a lot and I am finding myself getting very disappointed when he falls through with plans to come spend time with me. I am finding myself questioning what I want to do about the relationship. I'll keep you posted.

April 5, 2009
6:57 am
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sunshine88
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hi cnfused, am in the same stage as you. am grieving my loss also, and i sooooo understand what you mean about "crippling".

all we can do these days is to see each other through... and we have to believe that it's gonna be ok if we just keep going...

April 5, 2009
9:27 am
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cnfusedgrl06
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It's been about a week since our first talk when Jared said "less." I'm doing much, much better than I was on Tuesday. or wednesday, or thursday or even friday. Yesterday finally felt like a new day. I walked all over the city with my roommate, we got some coffee and enjoyed the sunny breezy weather. I bought a few things at a thrift store. I came home and did laundry, made a playlist full of songs that hate men, hate breakups, or are generally about moving on and getting over it and i played it as loud as it would go while I rearranged all the furniture in my room.

It's like a new place. I hung a lamp from the ceiling and shifted everything so it looks nothing like it did when he was ever hear, and diferent from my memories then. I washed the towel that was his when he was here, threw out little gifts he gave me and cds and put away things I want to remember and not look at right now.

I have stalked his profile a little this weekend, and updated mine with a new picture etc. ... thinking maybe he'll look at it and miss me? i don't know. I just did it. I went out dancing with a bunch of girlfriends on Saturday night and had dinner. I was worried I would be miserable, but I had such a great time. Some guys hit on us and danced with us all night. I'm definitely not ready (nor do I have any desire) to date someone, but it was nice to be flirted with.

I'm feeling better. I still feel sad, but the memories and sadness are fading a little bit. Not a lot but enough to notice. I'm feeling like a human being again.

I miss what could have been with us, not what was. I imagine myself seeing him again and telling him exactly what I think. I don't know if I ever will... he is the friend of a friend, so he won't ever totally disappear, but I don't know if we'll come face to face or not. But if I do see him, I won't cry and ask him to take me back. I'll thank him for doing what I wasn't at the time strong enough to do. It was better for us to be over, and I couldn't do it. And I worry about him a little bit...I know he'll be fine - and I know I'll be fine -- but I worry about him in relationships and the fact that he is setting himself up to be alone. Maybe it was just the way he was with me, and I kind of hope that's the case.... he cannot be with someone else the way he was with me. It will end the same way. He creates (and I guess so did I if we're being honest) a really unhealthy dynamic, and I feel like - albeit unconsciously - manipulated my feelings and emotions by withholding affection or giving me criticism cushioned in language that was "comforting" but superior, as though he were some expert on communication and relationships, but only in a way that implied that i was always somehow or wrong, or not doing quite enough.

He is funny... I feel as though not an hour goes by where something doesnt remind me of him and something we did together, or a joke we would have made or did make about something. that's the kind of stuff that makes me sad... we did have a lot of fun together when we weren't bogged down in trying to analyze the intricacies of our feelings for one another, analyze their adequacy and take apart our relationship brick by brick for inspection. We had a lot of fun. We enjoyed doing a lot of the same things, and as I've said, when he was on, when he was "with" me, it felt like I was the luckiest girl in the world. and when he was "on" he was really good to me and was all the things that I could have asked for. Unfortunately, he wasn't always "on," he wasnt always with me - he was often checked out and depressed about something and it became my responsibility to tow the line when that happened - to be positive and happy and show him how great we were - and it happened more and more often. That's no way to live.

It does feel like a death...and it is, it's the death of a relationship and the death of a lot of dreams and imagined possibilities and plans and a future that I had started to feel more and more would be a reality (ignoring reality, more like it). That's a hard thing to adjust to, and a hard thing to deal with. I feel incredibly sad about the end of the good things of he and I, and I still think that for all his issues, I would work them out with him and us, if he was really willing to commit and be a part of the relationship with me. I still feel that way. But I also know that he won't, he wouldn't, and that he can't. Whether it's because of me and the fact that we just didn't click the way he wanted or needed, or whether it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with him and the issues he's dealing with, he and I working out and being enough for one another would never really happen.

Part of me thinks that in a few weeks he'll have realized he made a huge mistake and will try to get in touch with me. He's done that before. Maybe this time it's for good - it is on my end, but I wonder if he'll figure it out or not. I am weaning myself off of him it feels like, little by little. yesterday was a good day, I think today will be too. The sun is shining, I'm going to go home and spend time with my family, maybe go out and buy a few things to keep changing up my room.

One day I'll find someone else who makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world, but who will make me feel like that all the time. Not for a while...I don't think I'll be ready to let another person in close for a long time. And I need to learn about being happy by myself again. I was, before I met him, and I'd felt whole and content, and now again I'm struggling to get back to that place. But at least today I feel like I can get there. It will just take time and patience, and the good company of friends.

I'm dreading work tomorrow and being tied to my computer when I'm so tempted to online stalk him -his profile, whether he is on gchat... it's hard to be strong then. If I can do a better job of throwing myself into my work and not be distracted by him and ways to check in on him, or remind myself of painful things, then I might be OK, but that is by far the hardest part...

(((1Godwithus))) - it sounds like you know what you should do and aren't quite ready to do it yet. I wasn't ready, and "J" did it for me. It isn't what I wanted, but it is better for me, and I guess for him... can you gather the strength to do what is best for both of you in the long run? I say this because our break up has cuased me so much pain, but it's only been about a week, and already I'm feeling hope, and a growing sense of peace, I'm starting to feel like I can recenter, I can be OK. I don't want anyone else right now, but I feel like I can say that one day I will, and when I meet that person I will be stronger and wiser and more whole than I am now. I will have more to offer, and will be able to say "this is what I need" and know enough to only accept that much. Even if you can't get to the end today, you will eventually, and when you do you will be OK. You don't think you will or can, but you will be OK.

April 5, 2009
1:02 pm
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PreciousG
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(((CN))))

WOW! What a fifference a day makes! Good for you! You are truly showing yourself some remarkable self-care.

You seemed to have really thought and gained some serious insight, not only about the relationship, but most importatnly, about yourself. In doing so you seem to have tapped into some strength and courage. Just hold to that and press forward.

While I am not trying to rain on your parade I would like to share what I have learned going through this process. While having good days as you have experienced is important please remember that grief is a process. It is going to be painful at times. Pain is an inevitable and important part of the process. Without pain there is no growth and without growth there can not be any forward movement.

Inregards to "stalking his profile". What learned to do before I acted on anything was to stop and ask myself some questions before I acted. For example I would ask myself:

What do I hope to gain from this?
What do I really want from this action?
How will I feel when this is over?
How is this going to help me in healing?
Do I really want to lose or to give away anymore of my dignity and respect?

See when we do engage in this type of behavior it is nothing more than a quick fix. A quick fix to what you might ask? Well that is the underlying issue to me. The issue being to truth. What our real truth is. Digging deeper and harder than we ever have before to find that truth, your truth. Moreover when that quick fix is gone, and believe me it will disappear fairly quickly, you are left empty. And it is this emptiness that I think that has to be examined and where the thruth will be found.

It appears that you have a very strong resolve to maintain no contact and not take him back. More importantly, you are looking out for yourself in that you realize that the relationship can not work without his participation and that you are nolonger willing to accept and live the way that you had been. I truly commend you for having that insight and again for putting yourself first.

I wish that I had your resolve. I still have not completely let go of what could have been. I struggle everyday with this.

Wishing you continued healing and growth.

PreciousG

April 5, 2009
3:23 pm
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sexychoclady
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Way to Go!!!! So Happy for you, keep it going one day at a time.

April 6, 2009
9:54 am
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(((PreciousG)))

you're right, i would be foolish to think it would all be wonderful and great again in a matter of days. I know it will take time... but it felt so good this weekend to start to feel good... to feel like there is still a lot waiting for me, to remember that I can make myself happy.

I woke up in the middle of the night and reached out for him, it was like I could almost feel him next to me. And I dreamed about him and had a weird half-awake, half asleep aching for him.

I woke up in the morning and prayed...thanked god for the wonderful weekend he gave me and the hope he restored in me, for showing me the love and support of family and friends.

I am going to get there.

I keep thinking I'll hear from him, and I half want to. I'm trying to get over that - remind myself that hearing from him will not do me any good. It's because I want to know that I can regain some control... if I hear from him I know I have a little control. What I'm most afraid of is that once I feel like I am whole again and moved on, THAT is when he'll appear out of the blue, just like he did last time. I half want that to happen and half dread it. I can't spend my time or put any energy into that kind of maybe circumstance. I just need to keep remembering that.

I still feel very sad... just a kind of resigned sadness. But I don't feel like I'll breakdown, and when I think of him I don't burst into tears. That is progress.

Work is a hard place to be, but I'm feeling stronger than I felt last week. And each day will make me stronger, leave him farther behind in memory.

You're right, I know I need to stop with the profile. I am getting a little better, and it's hurting less. But you're right - I need to ask myself what the point is. And it is a quick fix for the need/want to have some kind of contact with him... to know where he is or what he's doing, or for any sign that maybe he's thinking about me? of course none of that is ever there, and there is never anything on there that makes me feel good...so yes... I need to stop doing it.

Anyway, wanted to give an update... This has become a good processing/venting place, and it is so good to have people who listen and understand and can give advice or support here. Thank you.

Cnfusedgrl06

April 6, 2009
7:21 pm
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PreciousG
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Hi CN,

I am so gald that you find comfort, support, and understanding here. Most importatnly I am gald that you are feeling some relief in your sorrow.

I am curious as to why work is a hard place to be?

You have already regained som eof your control. You had awesome control when you were at his house, you have been choosing to get out of bed and spend time with friends and family, and you have been going to work and taking care of bussiness. That shows much strength and control in my opinion.

Moreover, you are willing to be honest and take an honest look at youself and strive toward a healthier you. That is what strikes most about your posts is your honesty and your willingness to face whatever is there. Again, I think that show a great deal of control, strength, and courage. FOr example you you realize that you need to stop searching his profile and why you need to stop. I mean you have work to do but the fact that you realize that it is not healthy and no postive come from tells me you got it going on! Most people never even realize how unhealthy it is let alone try to examine their own motives behind the behavior.

It really seems to me that you arre well on your way tp healing. I know you realize that you have a way to go but I like that you are trying to stay realistic about it all.

I have gained some insight into my sistuation from reading your posts. I am glad that you found this site.

I am here whenever you would like to share.

Thinking of you,

PreciousG

April 11, 2009
3:00 pm
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sunshine88
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hi there confused girl, how have u been?

you have described for me what i'm going through : resigned sadness.

when you know very well already that it's over... you've gone passed the denial stage... dont know what the next stage is, but i know for sure, i'm not in denial anymore, and i saw it right before my very eyes that it's over for me.

i like hearing from you, because you've been far stronger than me on this issue, and i learn a lot from your posts, and it pushes me to work harder in my recovery.

hope to see you here soon.

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