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I know i Should end it...
March 29, 2009
8:57 am
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cnfusedgrl06
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I had a long talk with my SO last night about things that need to change in order for our relationship to work. I thought them out clearly and stated them concisely, and his response was that his job and life just don't allow for the kind of commitment to this relationship that he and i have found ourselves in. And he said that he loves and wants to be with me, but maybe... i don'tremember how he phrased it...less, was the general point behind it. Less how? We already only see each other 1-2 times a week, and then talk on the phone in the evenings we're not together. which i guess is more to ask of them than he wants to give. it feels like the long and short of it is that he doesn't love me enough to make time for me. He used words like "chore" and "responsibility." But then he said how much he loved me, and he didn't want for this to end, etc etc

I feel like I should break up with him if only for my own sanity. I give him everything of myself, I do whatever I can to make this work between us because I think it's worth it, and I feel like I'm not getting any return back. But I don't know if i can do it... I don't know if I'm strong enough to break it off, because I so desperately want it to work... I thought he would be the one, and I don't know if I can do it. I'm scared to be alone again, and scared at the idea of staying alone. I know - I think - relationships shouldn't be this hard, and they shouldn't make you cry like this, right? If you love each other it should work, right? Someone tell me I'm not crazy... part of me knows/feels that even if I agree to this step backwards into less commitment etc. it won't really work, it's just a way to ease into breaking up, but I don't know if i can say no to it on the one in a million chance that it works and we both are happy together?

March 29, 2009
10:18 am
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CAMER
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HE stated that he couldn't make the committment due to work and life.

Now its time to accept that or you can not accept it and walk away.

You have choices, but try not to be codependent and "change" his thinking or force the relationship to happen.

It is what it is....now you have to decide if this is what YOU want, remember you can't change others ONLY yourself!!

(((camer)))

March 29, 2009
11:25 am
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fantas
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If he loves you, he should act better and show it. I suggest that you thank him for his honesty, then proceed to disconnect him from all of your communication devices. Honestly, if some boy had the nerve to refer to our relationship as a chore and responsibility, I would be done with him before he finished that sentence. He doesn't deserve another minute of your time. What he is telling you is even the two times you chat and meet are no fun for him, he does it because it gets him something he wants although he could survive without it. How rude is that? You deserve better!!

You say you don't want to be a lone but you sound pretty alone and lonely to me. As long as you are with this dude, you wont ever meet a better one. Like Camer said, it's time to make a choice.

March 29, 2009
11:44 am
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readyforachange
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(((confused))) well...I think the title you chose for this thread tells a lot. I think your head has already decided what the best answer is here, and your heart is having a hard time following along.

I guess my question is this: has your relationship always been a 1-2 dates per week, and a few phone conversations? And now you are wanting to move things to the next level, and he is telling you he can't do that? Or, is it that he feels that the time you have already committed to one another is too much, and he wants to slow down and back off a bit?

I think that will tell you something. It could be that he does have things going on in his life right now that make it difficult for you to get together more than you already do...and the pressure you are putting on him to step things up is making him back off.

I don't mean to defend his behavior. Some of what he said sounds as if he is just not committed to you at all. I am just wondering if you are asking for more than he is able to give right now.

I know as a codependent I tend to do that. Get too clingy, too needy, do way too much for the other person and expect the same from them in return. Feel cheated when they can't or don't do all that I am choosing to do.

How long have you been dating? And what are your and his past experiences with relationships (marriages, divorces, etc) Sometimes that past plays a huge role in the present.

Bottom line, I'd follow your head...

March 29, 2009
12:23 pm
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sexychoclady
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Babygirl honor your own truth!! At some point we as women have got to take a look at ourselfs. Men tell you who they are and where they want to be by their patterns and behaviors. YES you have to leave him alone cuz he shore not gonna leave you alone.. These men take all you got. Because we let them. I Totally agree with Fantas RUN don't walk to the nearest exit. It will be a big mistake if you stoop down and take his offer.He will not tell you this but he has lost respect for you. You would appear desparate,needy,and not someone he would take serious, but he will take sex, money and what ever u come up with to keep him..All the best to you because it is not going to be easy. but i am here to tell you,you wont die.

March 29, 2009
6:29 pm
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PreciousG
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Hi cn,

I could have written this myself. I have been exactly where you are and I hung for dear life and 14 years later I wish I had just walked away.

It will never work if he is not willing tp committ and you are giving your everything. The imbalance is tremendous here. You will hope against hope that things will change and they wont. You will get lonlier and lonlier as timne goes by. You have expectations that will never be met and that eventually will lead to major resentments.

I am so sorry. I really understand and empathize with the pain and longing that you are experiencing. I wish I had found this site many years ago and may be I would have walked away much sooner than I did.

I always say when someone shows you or tells who they are, believe them. Do not try to make him into someone he is not willing to be. Just walk away. I know it will be extremely difficult but you will get through it. Trust me! It will be easier to walk away now then many months or evens years from now beacuse you will have invested soooo much more of yourself without anything in return. Do not give up anymore of yourself than you already have. He will allow you to do this as long as you are willing.

I know this is not what you wanted to hear but trust me when I say, one last time, that you will be so much better off if you walk away now.

Keep posting.

((((cn))))

PreciousG

March 29, 2009
9:08 pm
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Anonymous
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I tend to agree! He doesn't sound as if, he cares for you very much! And, this relationship of your's, also doesn't appear, to be very important to him either! (At least...not as important as it is to You!)

I also, wouldn't be able to settle for something like that! (Anymore!) If he's not willing to give you what you deserve, then...he doesn't deserve you sweetie! He tends to sound like, he's very centered on himself, right now! (And...also places him, and his desires and needs), before you, and your relationship!) In other words...he places himself, First! And...he tends to...give you..."the lukewarm of it all!" (Meaning...he doesn't tend to seem very enthusiastic towards you, and putting anymore further serious effort, into really making this relationship, between the two of you, happen!) Right now...at this point and time, in his life...He just wants what He wants, and...sorry to say...that seems to include, very little of, of what you want, regarding the relationship!

Sorry this hurts! I wish toy Peace, Strength, and, Comfort, throughout the rest of your healing journey!

March 29, 2009
9:10 pm
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Anonymous
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Oh, and I'd also meant to say, I wish you the above, throughout whatever decision that you decide to make, as well!

March 30, 2009
12:16 am
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sunshine88
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hi cnfused, i remember being in your situation before, back when i was engaged to be married to a man who is completely like yours.

he gave very little, and when i ask for more of his time and companionship, he made me feel as though i was asking for too much! i could not ignore the sense of emptiness, and dissatisfaction, and prolonged sense of longing for some warmth in the relationship. but whenever i tried to "fix" it by communicating with him, he made me feel worse about myself. and it just kept going and going, and it does build resentments, but it also damages your self.

your focus now is to make it work and be happy together.

but your situation is telling you now, your efforts are enough, you've done enough to try to make it work, and it isn't working, and with this type of man, you can't really be happy together. you've given up everything, including yourself, but it is not making him give.

but you seem to be in denial about that, i was for a long time, i remember that. all my friends and family could see it, but i wanted to fight for our relationship, make it work, this is THE one i want, etc etc.

i was telling myself the same thing, i know i should end it. but i thought my emotions didn't want that. i was scared, like you. i thought wanted to keep going, when there's really nowhere to go. you have reached a dead end, and all you are doing now is circling around yourself, but you're not getting anywhere.

take a deep breath, smile at yourself in the mirror, learn to love what you see in the mirror, and be your own best friend. tell yourself again and again your own truth: YOU KNOW YOU SHOULD END IT. your own words spoke your heart.

honey, your heart wants to end it too. it's far too lonely now, and it wants to be loved now. it is time to give your heart, your head, yourself, the break from this relationship that is so short of what your heart craves for. the sooner you let it go, the better your chances of finding happiness with yourself. you could be surprised, how peaceful your life would be after some struggle, to live without a man like this. for a change, you will see, life is no longer about him, your life is now about you. it's hard, but the sense of quietness afterwards would be worth it.

(((cnfused)))

March 30, 2009
12:34 am
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sdesigns
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cnfused: Have you ever heard of/ read the book "He's Just Not That Into ou?" Its prett simplistic in its style (as well as humorous) but it shows pretty clearly when a guy isn't into us.

Sounds like your guy is something like that. Sure there's something about you that he likes and it suits his needs on HIS terms, not yours. If he cared about you he would be willing to make an effort to fill your needs. BUT he's pretty much said he isn't going to, he's busy, will squeeze you in when he feels like it.

Ask yourself- if this is the best he has to offer you, is it enough? I think you already know the answer. He's not filling your needs, he isn't going to change so you have to decide if this is good enough for you because this is all there's going to be.

Soundslike you want more and a better relationship- maybe time to realize you're not going to get it from this particular guy.

SD

March 30, 2009
9:32 am
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cnfusedgrl06
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Thank you to everyone for your advice. It's such a relief to hear from people who can look in from outside and give some feedback, even if it's not really what i "want" to hear. I don't know how it happened that I began to let him decide whether I am happy or unhappy - depending on when he had time to spend with me. That's a tremendous responsibility - to feel like you are responsible for your partner's happiness. And I think he can feel that, and the more he tried to back off a little, the harder I've clung. I didn't used to be like that, and I don't like to be like that now, it makes me completely miserable.

I don't know if I'm ready to end it just yet, it may be coming, and I know that it could happen... but I want to try this with him, one last time (famous last words?). I don't know how I lost track of myself in this relationship, but I can't/won't live that way anymore, and if I can hold onto my resolve - I think that I can be a better partner to him, and he will - hopefully - be a better partner to me. A functional relationship has to be about two people who are happy by themselves, not about me needing him to be happy... that doesn't work for either of us and is draining/exhausting.

In talking to him, there are a few things that I've made clear that I'm not willing to compromise on anymore, and I guess that's where my line is drawn in the sand...

I hear what you all are saying, and part of me feels like you're right, but I just have to see this through until I am sure... and I'm still holding out hope that it can work. I have to find out...

Neither of us has ever been married (and we're not now). He has been inn relationships with very unstable women before and I think this has made him kind of head-shy. And his job requires him to work nights/weekends and we live more than an hour away - the issues/concerns he brings up are legitimate. I have just been more willing to make sacrifices and/or make time for the two of us, and in doing that I've lost track of myself here. I think this recent conversation with him has made that clear, and I've reached a turning point... I hope.

It's not fair for me to be angry with him if he is really not ready for the level of relationship we were moving towards. He has been honest about what he can handle/what he wants, and I can choose to accept it and be happy with that, or decide it's not enough. I'm not sure which I've chosen yet. I think I'm going to try this with him, see what it looks like/feels like in my life, and if I begin to feel the way I've felt over the last few months, I have to end it, for my own sanity. But first I just have to try.

Keep me in your prayers please, I'll let you know what happens...

March 30, 2009
10:49 am
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StronginHim77
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Take it from an olde, olde lady...a man who genuinely loves you will swim through crocodile-infested waters, just to bring you the rose he has clamped between his teeth. Follow me? This man does not love you, honey. Don't confuse good sex with love.

I see you going out of your way to try and be "better" for this man, hoping that he will respond and begin prioritizing you in his life and treating you better. That is what I did when I was in a toxic relationship...kept spinning my wheels, harder and faster, hoping to "win" the guy's love. It doesn't (and shouldn't) work that way.

Be yourself. Develop some new interests and activities which do not include him. Don't be so available. Don't take all his calls. Take a step back. That might be the only "wake up call" he responds to.

I recall reading an excellent book a few years ago. The title is a big rough (WHY MEN LOVE BITCHES), but the book was a best seller because it told the truth. When we are too "available," too easy, too accommodating and too emotionally needy, men lose interest and seek a more challenging, independent woman. You might want to check out that book. I can't remember the author (a radio talk-show hostess), but it should still be available in paperback and is an eye-opener.

- Ma Strong

March 30, 2009
12:18 pm
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sdesigns
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cnfused:

I don't know how old you are, or how old he is.

Its just possible you have an emotionally unavailable man on your hands. You say he has been in relationships w/ unstable women so he may be a little gunshy.

He could be using that as an excuse. Why get into relationships w/ unstable people? Has he ever explored the WHY of that? There may be something about him where he attaches to people that he will not ever commit to, maybe he's unable to commit. Do you know much about his history?

I see you making lots of excuses and concessions for him, you may want to consider looking at the entire package and see if its worth it to extend so much energy on him. He is what he is what he is what he is what he is....he's not going to change.

sd

March 30, 2009
9:11 pm
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sexychoclady
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I hear you loud and clear,you are not ready to change. That's ok. Your story!!. When ever u want to talk i am here...Good luck.

April 1, 2009
9:00 am
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cnfusedgrl06
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He ended it last night. I was kind of expecting it, and I knew I should have done it myself, and I just couldn't. He said he couldn't be what I deserved to have and his life just wouldn't allow for it, etc. etc. He wants to be friends (eventually), I told him absolutely not.

I feel so depressed, and lonely, and inadequate...because in the end whatever I am, I'm not enough for him, and I so wanted to be enough. I did everything I could think of...I tried everything, but I knew, always, that it was only a matter of time before he left. Rather than acknowledge it, I chose to ignore it and cling harder, which can only have made things worse.

I know that I am better off, that in the long run it will be better for me, and healthier, and that someone somewhere is out there for me, but right now that sounds ... impossible, far away, unreal. Why wasn't I enough? Why did I let myself be taken for granted? Why did I put up with so much - things I never thought I would put up with - and let him be the one to determine my value and worth, and ultimately whether or not I was happy. My happiness relied completely on him and whether or not he was in love with me on a given day... and when he was, it felt so good, like the sun was shining on me alone. I felt smart and funny and beautiful and so complete, happy.. i imagined our future together, thought we would have kids and get married...and when he was not "into me" ... it was lonely and dark, and I felt so inadequate, and foolish for the happiness I'd felt before.

I know those things aren't good - that that kind of imbalance is not the way to be loved or to feel love, but that doesn't make it hurt any less right now. I can't stop crying... I'm at work...

How long will it take until I can feel whole again? How can I not feel so completely, desolately alone?

April 1, 2009
12:08 pm
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readyforachange
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((((cnfused)))) Big, big hugs to you dear. I am so sorry this is happening, but I know you know in your heart it is the best thing. That doesn't make it any easier.

Right now, I am hearing you say so many negative things about yourself. Please, please try to put some of this in perspective. He couldn't give you what you need. He was too wrapped up in other things to devote the time to you and the relationship. You knew that. That does NOT mean that something is wrong with you. It also doesn't mean that there is something you could have done, or said, or been to make things different.

You are lovable, valuable, and beautiful, and this relationship was not meant to be. It is okay. You will survive, and come out of this stronger and more able to find the relationship that IS right, that IS meant to be.

I know that's hard to hear right now, but please take care of yourself right now. I'm at work too...just wanted to give you a big hug.

April 1, 2009
12:19 pm
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atalose
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I think to answer your question……..how long will it take until I can feel whole again? That all depends on you and how much you really want to feel whole again. Many codies find it easier to quickly find someone else who will make them feel whole again, for a short period of time until that relationship falls apart.

If you truly want to feel whole, build your self esteem and find that inner peace it’s not going to happen over night and it’s going to take some real hard tuff painful inner work on your self.

You can’t get out of codieville until you learn to read a different map.

There is nothing wrong with being alone or NOT in a relationship. Relationships don’t defy who you are or what you are all about. Relationships are suppose to enhance our lives not be our life.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

April 1, 2009
12:22 pm
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Zebra
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((cnfused)))

Sending hugs and love your way honey.

I am sorry for the pain you are going through and you know this to shall pass.

I have been there and sometimes still there.

Take care of you and you deserve the best of someone; not half of them. I too am here for you.

With Love,Z

April 1, 2009
1:46 pm
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PreciousG
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((((CN))))

I was and sort of continue to be where you are today. To answer you question how long will it take...it isn't amount the lengthe of time that it takes to heal it is more about how you choose to approach the loss, navigate your journey, and allow yourself a chance to heal.

It is so important, I feel, to understand that loss is very individaul and each of us handles grief differently. I encourage you not to rush the process nor fight it as this will surely cause you more pain and heartache.

In regards to your question "why wasn't I enough for him?" from what you have described it was not about being enough for him it sounds more like two people that just want different things from a relationship and that are currently in different places in their lives. It sounds to me that his priorities are different froms yours. Please realize this has nothing to do with him loving you or not it is a matter of him not being able or wanting to give to a relationship in the same way that you are able, willing, and need.

Sending you bigs hugs. Please keeping talking to us we are here for you.

PreciousG

April 1, 2009
2:11 pm
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sexychoclady
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Well it is over.. He did for you, what you could not do for yourself. One who has been left holding the bag before is me.. I lived, and so will you.This is your time to grow,your life has come to show you something, pay attention, take notes. I had to learn to settle down in my own skin,not run to another mans arms,over eat,abuse drugs or alcohol,smoke a pack of cigarettes these were not really good options,for me. It had finally gotten to the point, where i could no longer look no where, but within.. I realize i would not find nothing outside of myself to make me happy. This was sad, to me. So under half steam i began to look at myself i could not see anything good. I had so much self doubt, negative thinking,hurt pain, but i was able in time to continue journaling about who i am and what i was feeling, what was happening in my relationships.And this writing took place over time.Some days was too painful. I allowed myself to experience my emotions,and that meant i would put the pen down, sometime, for days. I eventually began to see a pattern of behavior. And at the end of the day i was looking for love. To keep it short. Now what my lesson has taught me is to get me some principles to live by, and they are NOT to be negotiated.EX: If i met a man that's married he is not for me period! I need to run for the nearest exit. (Principal Number 1).....So, i am not a finished product. I am still under constuction,that on going self discovery process... One day i will be all grown up. Try not to be so hard on yourself... LIVE,LOVE.LAUGH

April 1, 2009
2:16 pm
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I'm just passing this along...it seems as though it was posted in the wrong thread.

82

Gracey
1-Apr-09

Confused Grl,

This is such a classic case of a situation that SO many of us inadvertantly stumble into where there is absolutely nothing wrong with us but the guy is just not ready to commit. The way i see it, there are two types of guys, relationship guy and not relationship guy. not relationship guy will put in the BARE minimum of effort, but show us something really charming and really desirable about himself when he does put in the effort, leading us to beleive that it could eventually turn into something if we just do everything right. This is wrong thinking! you will never win in this case. All those doubts you have that are making you think you are going crazy are absolutely correct. On the other hand the 'relationship guy' will, like another poster said, swim through crocodile infested waters to get to you. You will know this guy right away because at first you will think there is something wrong with him after years of wasting your time with the other types of guys. I am really sorry that this happened to you, but i really think its for the best that he ended things, because it could have gone on for ever, in the meantime you would have continued to beat yourself up and pour endless amounts of energy into something that wasnt working. I know it is not that comforting now, in the midst of how you are feeling, but just know that it is NOT YOU. AT ALL. Gracie

April 1, 2009
3:28 pm
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Gracey
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Thanks 82Hope2heal!!!! I am also confused, obviously. (gracie)

April 1, 2009
4:53 pm
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cnfusedgrl06
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Everyone: I cannot thank you enough for your words today... It has been a really, really hard day. I've been able to cheer myself up if i get distracted, but the minute I am reminded of last night and the fact that he's not there for me ever again, I come crashing down. It's only the first day and I know it will get better, but ... today feels impossible, and it feels like every day after will be impossible.

I am driving out to his apartment tonight to pick up all my things... he said he would mail them to me, but I want to just do it now and get it over with and do it on my terms, not whenever he feels like getting around to it. I don't know what to expect when I see him. Knowing him, he'll act like we're good friends and be nonchalant and cheerful. I don't want him to know how hard this day has been for me and I want to get in there and get out... and have it just be over.

I need to block him out, and get rid of all the things that remind me of him... little by little I can do that. I've done some of it, but I'm not ready to do it all yet... I need to stop looking at his profile online to see if he's been on... mostly i want to not cry in front of him tonight when i see him. I have shared enough of myself with him, and I don't want him to know the kind of control he has over me, and I want him to feel sorry. I don't know if he will, but I can hope, and I can tel myself that he did.

Tomorrow is another day, and another opportunity to make it a good one for myself and be the person who makes me happy. It won't happen right away, but little by little...

It's hard to think about being alone again, I thought I had found my someone and that my life was going to change. I was - I am - ready to move to a more serious relationship, ot be married... I just haven't found the right person. And as hard as it is to face, inside I know that he was not -is not - the right person. He isn't right for me, and the things that I love about him I will always love about him, but I will find the person who matches me somewhere else. and that man will have the things I love about this guy and more. And I will not settle simply because I am afraid to be alone, I will not settle. It will only be the worse for me if i do.

I've been trying very hard to stay positive today and to remember the reasons that I am glad its over. those reasons exist. I need to keep remembering those things right now. and i need some distance.

Thank you so, so much for your words everybody, it has meant so much to me today to hear from people on the outside looking in, and to feel like you all understand what i'm saying and how i feel.... please keep the good words coming, it's keeping me going.

April 1, 2009
5:20 pm
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StronginHim77
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Unless you have a seriously valuable collection of diamonds at his house, I would NOT go there to get your stuff. Let him mail it.

Seeing him will be like ripping a scab off a raw wound...leaving you bleeding and hurting full throttle.

I know it is hard, but maintaining total "No Contact" is very important right now to help you heal and to preserve your dignity and your pride. If he sees you, he will see your woundedness and neediness. And that will simply make you feel even worse.

If he doesn't return your stuff, chalk it up to Experience and let it go. Next time, put a higher price tag on yourself. Don't go to his place. Don't leave your things there. Don't jump into bed with him before you've known and dated him for several months. GO SLOWLY.

And maintain a separate social life with your own friends and interests, APART from him. That will help you prevent centering your happiness and wellbeing around a man.

Also, get ahold of the book, CODEPENDENT NO MORE by Melody Beatty. It will help you a great deal in your recovery from this terrible hurt. Many of us know what you are feeling. We've been there. And it's hell. Take it an hour at a time. Fill your life with friends, activities you enjoy and allow yourself time to grief those lost hopes.

And keep posting. We are here for you.

- Ma Strong

April 1, 2009
6:11 pm
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sexychoclady
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O confused i do agree with ma one hundred percent. But i know what you mean when you say you are going to get your stuff. I would have done that too, but i really wanna see him. His face, god forbid if he smiling, lordy!! i will drive home in a daze.Because while i am in the insane mode i will imagine he never cared, or i would do some quick mind reading and know what his thoughts are crying while i am driving in a daze. This is the worst thing to do. But if your were like me hopeless i am already park in front of his door trying to act like i want all my stuff,when really i hope he realize he is making the biggest mistake of his life by passing me up. Because no other woman is gonna look out for him like me..Matter of fact i was good to you, You used me an on an on..Whew!! I had it bad..Anything but be alone..I always wondered WHY do I ALWAYS HAVE TO BE SHOT TO THE CURB BEFORE I GET IT. I am still learning. The acid test will come when i meet someone. Prayerfully this is not Gucci talking.. By remembering what did not work and practice something different.. I am you and we as women have to rise above our pain and grow into the healthy woman we was intended to be. GOD BLESS

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