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I keep screwing up-Jewel
December 2, 2007
9:58 am
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readyforachange
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Yes, Yes, Yes!!!!

YOU have to put YOURSELF first! That is so very important, dear, and I'm glad you have realized that. You have to love yourself...and that is challenging sometimes.

You are doing so well, jewel, even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes. Your BRAIN knows that the drinking is hurting you and your life...your physical addiction to alcohol may win over sometimes, but you have made the conscious choice to try to overcome it. That's powerful. You're choosing YOURSELF, and I'm proud of you. Progress...even it is in small steps.

(((jewel))) keep on keeping on, okay?

December 3, 2007
2:35 am
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smarterone
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Jewel, its late so i am going to ramble on with my thoughts, so try to catch on.
Since i am here, i have watched you fall and pick yourself up, i remember the plans from your past wedding to be. I remember all. Remember when you use to post how many days sober. Lets try that again. Ill count with you. As for the chest pains, last month i had to go to the ER cuz i had them for months but more like a physical pain. Even to the touch, and when i breath and move, so they did all the test and they said it was inflamed also. Funny, they said there was a nasal drip ???? and sent me home with decongestants. Know what, still had the pain until last week. I went to church went up for blessings, my pastors wife was singing and then said some one here has chest pains, they will be gone, and she claimed to feel it. Jewel, from that moment on, now going on two weeks, the pain has lessened to the point of almost not being there. Im no Kook, but i have been putting my trust in the Lord cuz the meds, pills, doctors, they did nothing for me. You, you need to see the doctors, im always on antidepressants, and i wouldnt come off for nothing. Choice: meds and live happier, or meds and be needy with them. Sorry, i only have one life and if i have to be in pain, im medicating it legally, but jewel, you are not medicating pain, you need to take care of you before anyone else for now on. Ill be here for you.

December 4, 2007
1:55 pm
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jewel
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Thanks all for the ongoing support. It means the world to me. I have been sober for two days and feel great. I am a little anxious about starting a new job this afternoon and it is 10 hours. I feel tired, but I will make it. I am so over my ex-fiance for anyone who remembered when I was with him. I appeared to have been happy by everyone. Sometimes I even fooled myself. The truth is I was miserable. I am so happy that I got out before we got married. I know that I jumped into things fast with my current bf, but don't think that I am going to be tying the knot anytime soon. Screw that at this point. I feel all about independence although I live with my bf. I need to take care of myself right now and straighten out my life. Noone can do that but me. Thanks for everyone who believes and me and has faith in me. It just makes me smile to know that their are people who care. 🙂 Smarterone, I am glad your chest pain has subdued. Mine is fine now too for the most part. I have been praying a lot and have been very spiritual through this new journey in life. I am getting behind with my bills, but starting work again today will take care of things. Everything always works out-right? No matter how bad things seem. Much love from Jewel. I will post more tomorrow. Until then, everyone have a great day/afternoon/night.

December 4, 2007
2:49 pm
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readyforachange
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(((jewel))) oh, honey, it warms my heart to read your posts! I remember posts from a while back, when you just didn't seem to have your head on straight...and I'm so happy that you have made so much progress! Yes, I remember the fiancee, and I'm glad you ended it with him. I don't think either of you were healthy enough to make such a committment at that time. It was for the best, and I'm glad you realize that. I'm also glad that you realize that you need to put yourself first, and that your BF cannot fix things for you. You have made so much progress....it is truly amazing. I never gave up on you, and I'm glad to see you didn't either. (((jewel))) way to go!!!

December 4, 2007
5:28 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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Go jewel go.
show up for the job. and give yourself a good pat on the back.

December 5, 2007
9:36 am
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smarterone
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Jewel, 2 days, yahoo, its a start. Im here counting with u.

December 8, 2007
7:25 pm
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jewel
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Hey all. Well, I have been drinking the last couple nights, but tonight I am not buying any and I am ready to change my life. I have to get my car inspected on Monday. I pray that it won't cost too much as I have to use a credit card. I have no funds right now. I am sooooo broke and I am getting behind on bills. I started a job last month and missed some time during training, but they gave me a second chance so I am very serious about not drinking. I can not screw up this job. It is a blessing that I was given a second chance because oftentimes, that does not happen. I feel so scared to face life right now. I have never been late on my bills, but I have to realize this is just a rough patch. Once next month rolls around and I start getting full paychecks, I can get back on track. I have been feeling depressed about gaining weight and feel embarrassed to have my family see me on monday. I went from a size 0 to a 5 which probably makes me look better, but the gain was so rapidly. Thanks for all of you that are posting and for all of the support. I won't get a chance to be on here much because my bf is around and I choose to keep this site confidental. I hope everyone is having a great day.

Love from Jewel

December 8, 2007
8:52 pm
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jewel
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I wish I could drink to get rid of this anxiety right now. It is soooooooo bad and I can't quit worrying. I know drinking makes things so much worse though. I am all ready for bed right now. There is NO way I am giving in to drinking. I know I say that a lot and fail, but given my situation right now, I could risk losing a lot that I worked so hard for. Totally not worth it to drink.

December 9, 2007
4:22 pm
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jewel
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I really need some support. I want to drink very very badly. I can't. I have to wake up early tomorrow and then start my new job on Tuesday. I don't know why this is so hard for me. I feel so alone in this world and just wish that I wasn't suffering so much. I hope life gets better.

December 9, 2007
6:18 pm
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Randomwomen2
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((Jewel)) I can tell you from experience that life does get better. I am so proud of you for not drinking sweetheart. You are not alone ((Jewel))

December 9, 2007
7:34 pm
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keep going on Jewel, keep being strong. put your head down and just keep going forward.

December 13, 2007
12:44 pm
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jewel
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Well, my job didn't work out. I was being sexually harrassed by a guy in training and I was soooooo upset that night that I didn't go back in the next day. I have an interview tomorrow for somewhere else. I need to work now. I am a nervous wreck. I am so stressed out and keep flipping out on my bf and threatening to leave him. I love him so why do I take everything out on him? I am trying to work on myself and sometimes feel that I need alone time, but we have a very small apartment so it is hard. He is at school all day, but we spend evenings together. I am soooo nice to everyone so I don't know why I keep flipping out. I guess that is part of being bipolar and not being on the correct meds. And they always say you hurt the ones you love the most. Meaning you say things you don't mean. Tonight I am hoping to be in control of my mood and not let it take over me.

December 13, 2007
12:47 pm
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StronginHim77
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Jewel, is there any way you can contact your doctor and get your meds adjusted? And have you been able to stop drinking? The alcohol really undermines the effectiveness of the medication, as well as your ability to control the extremes of your emotions. I know you don't want to see your bf give up, so please do keep reaching out for the help that you deserve. If you doctor wants to give you a stretch of "in patient" treatment to help you stabilize with maximum support, go for it. Do whatever you must to help yourself.

- Ma Strong

December 13, 2007
10:49 pm
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readyforachange
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jewel...sorry to hear that the job didn't work out. Just want you to know I'm thinking about this, and I still believe in you. (((jewel)))

December 13, 2007
10:50 pm
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oops...sorry, meant to say, "I'm thinking about YOU!"

December 13, 2007
10:53 pm
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Randomwomen2
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((Jewel))

December 16, 2007
2:10 am
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jewel
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HELP

December 16, 2007
3:20 am
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Soulsister
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Hi Jewel. How are you tonight? 🙂

I'm tired..but for some reason, I don't want to go to sleep.

Soul

December 16, 2007
8:54 am
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readyforachange
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(((jewel))) what's up, honey?

December 16, 2007
10:26 am
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netsirk
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(((jewel)))
You are crying out for help, what can we do for you? If no one here can help please call a crisis line to get help. You are important and you need to take care of yourself, please call a plce for help, or go to a hospital.

December 16, 2007
2:06 pm
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Codi202
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Drinking makes depression worse.

How is your intake of water, are you hydrated enough?

Are you consuming proper nutrition.
Be aware that sugar and white flower contribute to "the blues"...there was a book about that way back in the 70's.

try getting some exercise, and if you are stressed, be aware that cafeen is in many beverages, and it cancreate that feeling.

You are not a screw up, you simply made mistakes. Don't be so hard on yourself. Don't let some image or idea that others have of how you should be dictate to you--the world is fickle!

You can get passed this. ONE DAY AT A TIME. Don't overwhelm yourself.
Are you okay AT THIS MOMENT? You can then work on the next moment...and so on , and so on. (I've been there, honey)

Turn it over to your "Higher Power" and trust. Then take it one step at a time.

((hugs))

December 16, 2007
5:00 pm
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jewel
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When I posted for help, I had been drinking. I will be honest. It is making things worse. I am ready to make changes in my life. I have vowed to start journaling again and everyday count all of the blessings that I do have in my life-MANY!!! I thank you all for taking the time to post back. I would love to post back individually to everyone, but at this time, I am too exhaused and I apologize for that. Just know that each and every one of you has helped me more than you will ever know. This site has been helping me since 2004 and I believe I might not be here right now if it weren't for you all. Thanks again. I will keep you posted on how things are going. Love,
Jewel

January 2, 2008
9:35 am
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Randomwomen2
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((Jewel))

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