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I keep screwing up-Jewel
November 25, 2007
7:13 pm
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jewel
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I haven't been on here in a long time. A lot of you probably remember me and my situation. I have been struggling with a drinking problem for years now. I also have bipolar disorder and a history of panic attacks. I was off my meds for months, but decided to go back into treatment because I could no longer handle life without the meds. I quit drinking for over a year and started back up in April which is when I quit taking the meds. Now, I am not drinking daily but on the days that I drink, I am not taking my meds. This is screwing my system up. I am never going to get better if I don't keep them in my system. I have decided to quit drinking again and try sticking with my meds. This is just so hard for me as I have been on the verge of mania. I was evaluated at a psych hospital and was told that I am hypomanic. It is hard because sometimes I feel like I am out of control. I am starting a new job tomorrow, but I know I have to find something better. I am having financial problems and am on the verge of falling behind on bills. I guess I really don't know if any advice can be given to me. I am really just on here to write out my thoughts and feelings. I am trying to better myself and figure out what I want out of life. No more drinking. That is out of the question. Thanks to all who read this. I have missed you all that I have talked to in the past. I hope everyone had a safe and happy thanksgiving.

Jewel

November 25, 2007
7:27 pm
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CAMER
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((Jewel))) honey, hope you had a good thanksgiving!!

And best of luck with your new job 2morrow, try it out see if you like it, cuz sometimes change is good.

At least you know what to do and not to do, such as take your meds daily, and not drink......and even if you get the verge to drink.........call someone, reach out for help.....and still take those meds.

It may be a long slow path for recovery, honey, but you can do this.

Do you have a sponsor???

So glad you are reaching out and posting!!!! ((((here's some big hugs for you Jewel))))) love, camer

November 25, 2007
7:37 pm
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truthBtold
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((((JEWEL)))))

Oh my gosh gurl....I wondered so much about you!!!!!!

You have demonstrated courage beyond belief!!!!!!!!

With ALL that you have been through....you are not only a diamond in the rough......honey....you are the DIAMOND ITSELF!!!!!!!

(Do you KNOW that about yourself??????)

If you don't....I suggest that you just take a minute to pat yourself on the back and just admit to yourself.....by cracky....I've been thru a bunch of crap....and I am still kicking....still alive....regardless of it all.....and to which you just OWE YOURSELF a big ole pat on the back for still being able to be here!!!!!

You have just an undaunting spirit Jewel.......

You DO realize that about yourself now...don't cha???????

(((((JEWEL OVERCOMES INCREDIBLE ODDS))))))))))))

November 25, 2007
7:39 pm
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bonni
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((Jewel))

November 26, 2007
9:18 am
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CAMER
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((hi Jewel))) just checking in, let me know how the 1st day on the job went, Ok!!!!

November 26, 2007
12:14 pm
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readyforachange
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(((jewel))) ah, yes, honey...you keep screwing up. BUT, unlike most people, you realize that you need help, and you're taking the stept to get there. Yes you'll have setbacks and pitfalls, but you know what the elephant in the living room IS, and you're willing to call it like it is. That, my dear, is half the battle. Been thinking about you, and I'm glad you're hanging in there. Keep moving forward, and take care of yourself.

November 26, 2007
12:16 pm
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readyforachange
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(((jewel))) ah, yes, honey...you keep screwing up. BUT, unlike most people, you realize that you need help, and you're taking the stept to get there. Yes you'll have setbacks and pitfalls, but you know what the elephant in the living room IS, and you're willing to call it like it is. That, my dear, is half the battle. Been thinking about you, and I'm glad you're hanging in there. Keep moving forward, and take care of yourself.

November 26, 2007
12:30 pm
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jewel
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Thank you soooooooo much everyone. You all made me feel special. Something that I normally do not feel. I didn't drink last night and I don't have any cravings at all. I know that they will be there at times, but I am a very determined woman right now to try to get back on track. Took a little seroquel last night and just .5 mg of klonopin. I am taking very low dosages right now just so my anxiety doesn't get too out of hand. I have an appt. with a psychitrist in a couple of weeks and I can't wait. I want to feel better. As for the job, I didn't go. It was a stupid job at a grocery store and I am too embarrassed to work there. I got hired somewhere else a little over a week ago that was a good job, but due to my mental health, drinking, and chest pain aka lung problems, I couldn't make it to a couple days of training. I don't know if they are going to let me come back. I just left them a message so I am bound to find out later today for sure. I went to the er last sunday with terrible chest pain. They said there was some inflammation and just sent me home with motrin. Not a big help. Then I got a phone call back stating that they noticed something else about my xray so I have to get it checked out again. Who knows. Also, I have to go to a lab today and get some bloodwork completed b/c my fam doc. found more sugar in my system than the norm. I fasted last night into today so it could have been all the candy that I have been eating. Who knows. One day at a time. Thank you all so much for making my day all the more lovely. This is a hard battle. I always think that I am weak and crap and you have all told me otherwise. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there with me through this. I know that I really need this site. You are all very honest people and give great advice. I will try to stay on here again as this site has been my lifeline at times. I hope everyone has a wonderful day!!! I will keep you all filled in on Jewel's neverending rollercoaster road hopefully to somewhere special. 🙂

Love,
Jewel

November 26, 2007
12:41 pm
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CAMER
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YES jEWEL...one day at a time...good rule to go by and glad that you didn't drink today. As for the job, if you knew you wouldn't like it, its best not to show up, cuz I know the feeling of working at a job that I do not like, it makes life harder. I am sure you will find another one soon enough.

You are not weak Jewel, you may sometimes feel that way...I myself, feel that way too at times, and it is just a passing phase.

Glad to see you posting & keep on posting girl, today is a new day and a good day for you!!!

((((hugs & love)))) camer

November 26, 2007
12:52 pm
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Randomwomen2
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(((Jewel))) I am glad to see that you have started taking care of yourself. I have been really worried about you. What exactly is hypo-mania? I have mania and depression but the depression is more prevalent. I am glad to see that you are going back on meds. You are a very special person sweetheart. You can and you will get through this with time. Many many hugs to you sweetheart.

November 26, 2007
12:55 pm
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mamacinnamon
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((((jewel))))

Good to see you back.

You keep workin on this one day at a time, and it will one day click and you'll be on top of it all. I have faith in you.

Don't be such a stranger. We are here for you.

November 26, 2007
1:05 pm
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caraway
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Jewel,

Good to hear from you. Keep writing and use this as a place to communicate.

I recall last time you were here that some folks were trying some "tough" love and hope that won't happen again.

I am hear to listen.

Cary

November 26, 2007
2:13 pm
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peace4all
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Hello Jewel.what a beautiful name. I am fairly new to this site, maybe a month or so, but wanted to say hey and good for you for admiting you need and want help..that is the first step, as we all know...We admitted we were powerless over alcohol/drugs/codep/ or whatever, that our lives had become unmanageable......and then we begin our journey into recovery. I hope and pray that you have a circle of support to go to in your life. If you do not, this place has so many caring and wise people who respond back, so keep posting and try to stay strong and remember that you can do this 🙂
Progress not perfection...............
and baby steps are all that is required of you...Love in recovery.Peace 🙂

November 28, 2007
1:41 pm
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Randomwomen2
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Its been a few days how are you doing jewel

November 28, 2007
2:03 pm
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StronginHim77
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Jewel -

I am so glad to see you here and to read of your awesome determination.

Having been on these threads for quite some time, I have seen your great courage and fortitude. I am rooting for you 100%.

Please keep us posted on your progress, your struggles, your successes and your set-backs. So many of us care about you.

HUGS...

Ma Strong

November 28, 2007
3:08 pm
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jewel
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Thanks for the replies. They all mean so much to me. I did not drink for two days and then last night, I thought I would be okay to drink a little bit of wine. Lets just say that I got really drunk and my bf had me go to sleep and quit drinking. I woke up early today and went to the hospital to get an xray for my chest. Hopefully that will come out good. I found out today that I have high cholestorel so I am going to have to start eating better. I also start a new job tomorrow. It is only a temporary assignment for a few weeks. It will help me with my bills a little though. I am nervous about driving there and getting lost. My car is making funny sounds and I am worried that something is wrong. I think that I worry too much. I wish I could just make my mind just STOP for just a minute without all of the worrying. I am soooo filled with stress right now. I keep on flipping out on my bf and can't control myself. Sometimes I just want to just leave him, but I have such strong feelings for him and I think he may be "the one." It is just hard dealing with a relationship when trying to recover from drinking and bipolar and anxiety. I need to place the main focus on me right now and just tell him that I need to work on me so I will be nicer and things will be better for the both of us in the long run. He is a student so maybe if he spent more time on his studies that would work out. He is so smart and doesn't really have to put much effort into it however. Sorry for rambling. Just typing out how Jewel is feeling right now. I feel very worried, scared, confused, and insecure. I guess I didn't mention that I gained a lot of weight. I went from 95 pounds in May to about 120 pounds now and I wear a size 5. I totally lack confidence since the weight gain. My bf loves my new body. I was wayyyy to skinny before, but I want to weigh 110. That would be perfect for me. Gotta get going. Going for a walk. Talk to you all later and have a beautiful day. Thanks for always caring.

Love,
Jewel

November 29, 2007
3:50 pm
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jewel
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Well, I screwed up again last night. I drank too much wine and called a helpline and they came to pick me up by medics and took me to a psych hospital. I got discharged upon sobering up. I feel like no one is taking me seriously at all. I have an appt. tomorrow, but I am very nervous about the drive out there. It is in the city. My car has been acting up lately so I am nervous about that. I am throwing away all of my wine tonight. Another thing that I am very depressed over is when I got home early in the morning. I walked in the door and saw porn on my bf's computer. He was sleeping in the bedroom with a movie on. I woke him up and started screaming at him for being so disrespectful. I mean, I was just in a psych hospital for wanting to end my life and he is looking at porn. He said it was a popup box which may be true, because the window wasn't as big as the computer screen. He took it to school today and said his friend fixed it and it was a virus. I had problems with popups before as well. Just not with porn. I am wondering if he was really drunk(well I know he was) and went to a porn site for a minute and then started getting the popups. That happened to me before a long time ago when I was with my ex and we were looking at sites online for adults(believe me, only b/c I was drunk) and I kept on getting porn popups. Who knows. I am very depressed right now. I am going to let this go though. He is a great guy, but he doesn't understand my illness at all or take it as seriously as he should. I just hope he is being honest with me. I will have a talk with him tonight about what he was doing last night. I will not be mad if he says that because he got really drunk, he went to some dumb porn site. We all do dumb things while drinking. I know I did last night. It is just the dishonesty that worries me. I don't know if I should trust him. Well, I was suppossed to start a job today, but I am far toooooooo stressed. Will go on Monday. Hopefully everything gets straightened out tonight and life goes back to normal. Much love from Jewel.

November 29, 2007
4:00 pm
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Randomwomen2
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I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time last night and today. I think throwing away all the wine sounds like a great idea. I am not doing well myself so I dont really feel like I am in a good position to offer advice I just wanted to let you know that I am here ((Jewel))

November 29, 2007
5:43 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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throwing out the wine sounds like a good positive step. You are better and stronger than that craving. I've read your threads. You have a great desire to do better for yourself. Keep on trying!

November 29, 2007
7:07 pm
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CAMER
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((((jewel))))) here are some hugs....i really don't know what to say, but take it one day at a time with drinking & with the bf....times may be tough, but you will get thru all of this, ok honey!!

((((((camer)))

November 29, 2007
7:47 pm
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readyforachange
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(((jewel))) hope you are staying strong today. Try to take care of yourself, and focus on you. BF doesn't seem to be helping matters, but don't put too much energy into him right now. You need the energy for yourself. Take care, sweetie.

December 1, 2007
3:00 pm
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jewel
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I have quit drinking. I know that I can't drink because I keep on drinking and can not stop after having just a few. I am going to put more energy into myself and my recovery. I need to help myself and time will tell if my bf and I are meant to be. If he stays with me through all of this, great. If things don't work out, I guess that is okay too. I have to put myself first I guess and that is so hard for me to do. Thanks for all of the posts. Much love from Jewel.

December 1, 2007
9:54 pm
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keep going on the way you have. you have made some great decisions.

December 2, 2007
3:26 am
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needtoheal
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((JEWEL))

I just want you to know that I do care and I am glad to see that you have been posting here with us along the way...

Throwing out the wine is a positive step...

Stay strong, (((JEWEL))

love,
NEED

December 2, 2007
9:12 am
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smarterone
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Im back too jewel, but have to go to church will be back to talk. Dont give up

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