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I just want to feel normal again
January 18, 2007
10:37 am
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Hurt09
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I am a young person with a problem. I dated this guy for four years. Within the first year we were dating he got a DUI in which he wrecked a car and walked away with flying colors. My parents were supportive and my mom got him a good lawyer and he made out just fine. Then about 9 months ago he got himself into another DUI. His parents put him right in rehab and made the distinction that he was in fact an achoholic. I started attending meetings with him and his family and doing everything I could to be there for him and help him. About 3 weeks after he started rehab and everything he called me and decided he needed time for himself and he just wanted to be friends right now so he could help himself. Well what he didnt tell me was a week after we broke up he started dating another girl who was younger and more immature. He has been throwing pictures and comments from the two of them in my face like he is purposly trying to hurt me. The weird part is he calls me all the time and tells me he loves me and does not know if he can let go and what not. He is trying to be my friend but thats not what I want from him. I love him and he is hurting me so bad and all he can say for himself is he is sorry. He has the nerve to call me and tell me about problems that he is having with her and says she means nothing to him and he does not even know why he is with her. I tried to say mean things to him so he wouldnt try to talk to me but he calls still every now and then and I do not answer. I found out he was having sex with this new girl two. I am reading a lot of codependency books and going to see a counselor which is helping a lot but I just still dont feel normal. I realized our whole relationship was about him having problems and me fixing them with his drinking. Do you think we could ever resolve this and date again or is there no hope? I thought I would spend the rest of my life with him and I saw a future with him and then he turned around and totally shocked me with what he has been doing. Like he is being so selfish and can not see past his own feelings. Is that what they teach people who are in rehab for achoholics? Any Advice or suggestions?

January 18, 2007
1:14 pm
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Friendma
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((((Hurt09)))) Welcome!! I want to let you know that you are special and it's not your fault for what is goin on with your boyfriend. At this time in his life he just needs to focus on him to get better. It sounds to me like he is using you and the other girl and keepin you strung along and why exactly he is doin that, I don't know but when people are not healthy or are in the midst of chaos they tend to cling onto people and treat them in unhealthy ways. I want to encourage you to take care of you. Take time for you and take a step back from the relationship and get healthy for your sake and see what your boyfriend is gonna do. Some people don't change some do. Time will only tell what his true intentions are. Better to know now what his true intentions are than to of gotten married and possibly had kids and then find out that things are not gonna work. It's not easy to let things go especially when you love that person. If you are co dependent than you will probably have a very difficult time letting go of this guy and not bein sucked back in to his drama. You have to take care of you first to have anything left over for anyone else. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope what I have written has helped and I wish ya all the best. Take care of yourself and remember you are the only one who can change you and your boyfriend is the only one that can change him. Please don't let him guilt you or use you. Try to stay strong and rely on your counselor and your folks. I believe in you and remember take it one day at a time and if ya fall down and you will from time to time just get up dust yourself off and go again. Change, is a process and it takes time. Best wishes to ya!!

January 18, 2007
1:30 pm
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soprano2
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Most people who go to rehab are told not to start any relationships or date. Their focus needs to be on themselves--not others. Some programs are stricter than others.

You need to remember for yourself that he needs time to work on himself. Sometimes it is very difficult to realize that "you" have a problem (it is much easier for someone to live in denial that face the chance that we are not perfect.) If he does not take the time to work on himself, then he runs the risk of not fixing his issues. And if he finds someone new to be with--they may be willing to overlook the issue--which is something that you and his family are probably not willing to do.

Either way, I hope that you take the time to find out about you and what you really want. Sometimes it takes a while to figure yourself out--especially if you have been ignoring you for the sake of others for some time.

Is there hope for the relationship? Maybe. There are so many factors that need to be worked out. Is he willing to change? Are you willing to forgive? Are you going to set boundaries? Are you going to keep those boundaries? If he changes, will he substitute one addiction for anther?

There are so many questions that will need to be answered before the relationship might be right and healthy. The only thing that you can do is give the situation time and focus on yourself.

Good luck. Feel free to continuing sharing throughout your time.

s2

January 18, 2007
1:33 pm
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soprano2
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I want to make sure that you understand, I did not type that you--meaning you hurt09--has a problem. I was using you as in when someone has a problem.

When I reread that, I didn't think that was very clear.

It is not my intention to offend. Sorry if I did

s2

January 18, 2007
2:05 pm
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MzKitty
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hurt09

In your post you ask if you and this man can resolve the issues in your relationship. First off, I am no expert, I'm only giving you my point of view. Like Soprano said sure there may be hope, but there are too many factors that would have to take place before it would work out.

The way I see your relationship, it is far too unhealthy for you right now. You need to cut contact with this man, even if he calls you, you should not answer his calls, you need to draw a boundary with him, let him know that you aren’t going to tolerate his abuse any longer. You need to focus on yourself. From what you say, this man is telling you in conversations with him, that he is with another woman, and he doesn’t know why. It doesn’t matter, what matters is that he is with her, and when he calls you, he isn’t taking your feelings into consideration when he throws her in your face, he isn’t thinking of how it may be hurting you. I understand your wanting to be there for him, but you need to respect yourself more to not put up with his mis-treatment of you and your heart.

Now if all of these things could be addressed by both of you, then maybe there could be a chance, but what is most important right now is that you become more healthy in yourself, then if he comes around great but if not then you are in a better place to let him go.

Keep posting in here, you will get some excellent advice from a lot of people in here. We’re here to help.

Good Luck

January 18, 2007
3:02 pm
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Hurt09
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Thank you everyone so much. It feels so good to sit here and read all the support and it helps me think more clearly. As I was reading what I wrote before I left something out. About 6 months before we broke up he started talking to this girl on a computer program. It was like one of those things you make a profile and talk to people. Anyway my friend said to me did you know he had this program and I didnt and him and this girl were writing like stupid little comments back and forth so I confronted him about it and he said he met her at school one day and they talked and he didnt know what he wanted. So we were fighting for a week and then he told me he wanted me and no one else so I asked him to stop talking to this girl. I thought he did until I thought about a few things. I go on vacation every year since we have been dating with his family and this year this girl called him on our way home and I happened to see it was her calling so I got mad and we fought and I forgave. He said he didnt know why she was calling but the night before he got really drunk and talked to someone on the phone for like 10 minutes (he didnt know I knew he was talking on the phone cause he thought I went to bed). And then I thought about when he came with me on vacation and every night he got drunk he would claim at midnight he was calling his mom and would go down by the water and talk on the phone. I can only assume he was talking to her. So now this is the girl he is dating. We promised each other when we started this relationship we would never cheat on each other. Why do I feel like I have been cheated on when this is the girl he went to. Then he tells me he has been hurt worse than this before so I asked him why he would do this to me if he knows what it feels like and he had no response. In our relationship he would call at any hour of the night crying cause something happened and I never realized that I was on call for him 24/7. I cant even recall how many times I told him if he drank again it was over....I must have said it 10 times in our relationship and yet I never did it and I wonder why he didnt take me seriously.

January 18, 2007
3:24 pm
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soprano2
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Set your boundaries baby. Decide what you are going to take and not take. For right now, I would suggest NO CONTACT. There are several threads on here about the no contact. Basically, it is allowing yourself some space. You do not talk, write, see, or have anything to do with him at all.

Sometimes, when we are in relationships that are like see saws (go back and forth, wronged and then forgive, etc) our emotions can get the best of us if we talk to that person. We can say "I don't ever want to forgive him." but when we talk to them, we forgive and pretend that nothing else happened.

If you don't talk, there is no way that you can get your emotions involved, and you can start making your own decisions.

Keep writing. This is going to help you.

January 21, 2007
5:10 pm
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Hurt09
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I am having trouble today and feeling really down in the dumps. It is so hard for me because I am trying out the no contact aspect and well It has been 7 days since I have talked to him and he has tried calling but I do not answer but the worst part of it all is we go to the same college and so does this new girlfriend of his. I have been everyday going out of my way to make sure I do not have to see either of them and wouldnt you know I swear everyday I run into just him , just her or the two of them. Then i just get myself upset all over again and start crying. I just would love to knock her on her butt when I see her but I know Im better than that and not that immature to do something like that. She is not worth all of that anyway. How do you obstain the no contact rule when you can not help running into them. I have dealt with not answering the phone calls but I try so hard to advoid him at all costs and it does not seem to be working. We live in a small town so every time I have to go out somewhere I get nervous and upset wondering if I am going to run into him. Im also thinking about Valentines Day already, we sort of had a tradition every year for Valentines day for the past 4 years and this is going to be the first year without him, Im getting upset about it already. Any Advice?

January 21, 2007
8:39 pm
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soprano2
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Keep it up, it sounds like you are doing everything okay.

I would find some positive things to focus on instead of thinking about him or Valentine's day. (I find that I am not celebrating that one either.)

Focus on very positive things in your life.

Positive breeds positive. And it is much better than focusing on the negative in this situation.

You are learning to be strong and independent. These are hard lessons. But you are not alone.

Keep strong. And try to stay positive.

s2

January 22, 2007
1:21 am
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Friendma
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Just a thought...... You are doin well with the no contact and you should be very proud of yourself for that. Remember in life there are many battles that you must overcome and that is a victory for you and your well being. You are tryin to take care of you and I must say it sounds like you are doin a wonderful job. Also keep in mind that you have no control over running into him at school, so don't beat yourself up over that. Keep to the no contact, you may pass by him but make no extra contact with him. You have only just begun the process and it will take time and at first it's gonna be hard as hell to deal with but over time it will get easier and less painful. Breaking habits is hard to do especially when you love the one you are tryin to break the habit with. You are worth it and never forget that. Just take things one step at a time and remember we all fall down that's normal just remember what counts is if you can get back up, dust yourself off and try again. All you can do is the best you can and it takes time to change anything in your life, it's a process and it won't happen overnight. Don't be too hard on yourself, you are doin the right thing by taking care of you cause if you don't take care of you there won't be anything left for anyone else. Contrary to popular belief, it is ok to look out for yourself and do what you need to do to protect yourself and your feelings. I'm not sayin to be mean to people, or to be rude but if no contact is what you need to do to take care of you, then that's what you do. He will get over it. He will get happy in the same pants that he got upset in. I know from experience that when you love someone your first instinct is to reach out to them and take care of them but when the relationship is not healthy, you must take care of you and not fall back into tryin to take care of the other person. Co-Dependency for me means that I'm always tryin to take care of everyone else and to hell with me and what ever it costs me is worth it as long as I am takin care of everyone else. That's just not healthy and I'm in the process of changin the way I do things. I've ended up losing myself in order to take care of others. In doin so, I have lost all my strength and have had nothin left to take care of me with. I have also learned that people may care but you are the only one you can rely on to take care of you. Don't let yourself decieve yourself into thinkin that you don't matter and what everyone else needs or wants is more important than you. I hope this comes out ok to say... I'm proud of ya and I know from experience what you are facing is difficult and painful but in the end it will pay off. Sometimes in life you have to lose to gain. The process is extremely painful but well worth it when you reach the other side. I hope for you Peace, Strength, Love and Encouragement. I hope what I have written makes sense and comes across with the respect and care that it is meant with.

January 22, 2007
9:58 am
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atalose
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Hurt,
What you are experiencing is almost a typical relationship with an addict. They are all over the board, there thinking is irrational and the biggest part of an addict is SELFISHNESS. Rehab or not, if they are not continuing to work a program, there addictive behavior and thinking will always be present.

I know you love this guy very much but I also see that you love yourself as well. You need to love yourself more then you love this guy. As much as it hurts, he is not worth a life filled with the repetitive hurt and pain he is going to continually cause you or who ever he may get involved with. His selfishness of wanting to be with someone else yet keep you dangling with the “friendship” thing is just not right.
You are angry at the other girl and want to kick her butt, yet you are still having thoughts of working this out with this guy. Isn’t this guy just as or guiltier of your pain then the girl? That anger you have towards her should really be going in his direction not hers. She is just a victim of his as you have become.
Love hurts when it ends, the longer we hold onto a love that is not healthy for us the longer we stay in that hurt. You need to understand that if you are having thoughts of getting back together with this guy, then you need to learn how to handle this kind of hurt because that will come as part of a relationship with him.
I think no contact at all is your best bet, read as much as you can on co-dependency or look up some meetings in your area. You need to learn and understand why you would even consider continuing a life filled with mistrust, hurt and pain by wanting to be with this guy again.
I know you are hurt, I’ve been there too. You are young and have an entire life ahead of you; you deserve a life filled with real love by someone who is going to be capable of giving you that love, this guy is not and may never be. Please, love yourself more, learn as much as you can and time with no contact will help you to be able to become emotionally detached from both of them. What you are going through now is most likely what that girl will be going through some where down the road as well. With addicts it doesn’t matter who the people are in there lives, the behavior treats everyone the same.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

January 22, 2007
6:48 pm
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Hurt09
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Dear atalose,

This guy is just as guilty as her if not even more. I guess I look at it as she knew he had a gf (me) for so long and for the last 6 months we were dating she was pursing him and I do not appreciate that. I guess maybe even if she was not pursing him it might have happened anyway but she just could not leave well enough alone. You should see the way she looks at me when I run into her. I guess maybe thats a little part of me that is still immature to say this but that is why I feel anger towards her. I know it was this guys decision to break up with me and date her and I can not believe my own eyes to this day when I have to see them holding hands and being together that after 4 years and then a week in between relationships that he is already telling her he loves her. They throw pictures in my face and write all over where I see things and she is worse than him with her comments and pictures of the two of them. If I did not have to know he was dating or even if I did not have to know anything about her I think I would be alright. Im a great girl, nice, supportive and just an all around person but I do not deserve to be hurt like this especially from someone I thought I would spend the rest of my life with and that told me one day that he loved me. Maybe we have different definitions of love? I guess Im just throwing this out there but are you saying that if there was any hope for us in the future that things would always be the same and nothing would change......and if he does change how will I know it? How do I know hes not gonna get dumped by her and then call me wanting to be with me again? Will I just be "sloppy seconds?" Should I not even be thinking about this because its never going to happen and I should never let it happen? I do not believe this girl is a victim of this because he told her what was going on with him before he started dating her or as he told me he did and she pursued him anyhow so I guess as far as I am concerned she chose that knowing what it was about or maybe she does not realize how serious his problem is? I am not saying you are wrong I guess that is just the way I look at it......Thank you for all your advice and everything you put out there it really made me think a lot more about things!

January 22, 2007
6:53 pm
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Hurt09
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Thank you Soprano2 and Friendma for all you say to me. I am a young person with not a lot of experience in codependency and I did not even know what it ment until my couselor told me about it and said that is what my relationship was about and thats what I am. I just knew that I loved him and I would do anything for him and I did do everything and then when he got better and started taking care of himself I was not good enough anymore. I never got to experience the better life with him while he is going through rehab instead I gave him everything and he took it and pushed me out of his life. I guess its good in a way that it happened because I have learned so much through all of this. I know I will thank him one day for this but I guess I just cant right now because I still love him and would give anything to get things back the way they were. Thank you so much again for all your input it helps me so much more than I can Thank You For.

January 24, 2007
10:50 am
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Hurt09
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So today he threw a picture in my face of the two of them kissing. A picture they had taken of themselves kissing and threw it right out there. How immature can he get. I mean who the heck takes pictures of the two of them kissing and who are they trying to impress with that picture, themselves? Do you think he is doing this to try and make me jealous or something. It worked but he does not know that. He knows I see all of that stuff and yet he has no consideration for my feelings. Its like he cared so much for me for 4 years and now he is hurting me intentionally. Any thoughts on what to do?

January 24, 2007
11:54 am
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atalose
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Hurt,

Think of it this way. Yes the girl is guilty of getting involved with someone who was already involved with someone else. That says allot about both of there characters and
values. Would you really want to get back together with someone who so easily dropped
you for someone else, especially after the years of the history you had. You need to be
very careful of him coming back to you when this all falls apart. You need to really understand why you might be interested in going back to someone with that kind of character trait. People just don’t change over night; a situation not working out for him doesn’t mean he’s changed at all. You need to prepare yourself when this happens. And I say WHEN it happens because it will. She will find someone else, someone else will appear in a better light to him, when ever or how ever, be prepared for him to want something familiar for a period of time before he moves on again.
Challenge is often a reason why woman like her go after guys who are already involved, once they win the challenge and are stuck with the real guy, faults and all the adventure is over, time to move on. Most likely the same with him, once he sees past his
new infatuation with this girl and discovers who she really is, he’ll move on as well. It may be next week, next month or next year, but the odds of them forming a long loving relationship are not in their favor.
I know how hurt you are and time does heal these wombs, if you can get through this you will be in such a healthy place to truly find someone who is worth your love.
You have invested 4 plus years in this guy and now he’s investing in someone else, please be careful and kind to yourself. You are worth so much more then what he will ever be able to give you.
You don’t want to be one of those woman who married the guy who cheated on her while they were dating and engaged to find out he’s cheating again after getting married.
Think about it, if a man cheats once and the woman takes him back and he cheats again and she continues to date him or even marries him, what does he ever have to lose by not cheating????

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

February 11, 2007
2:40 pm
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Hurt09
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I have not written in awhile but find myself this morning faced with a problem. I had this horrible dream about my ex boyfriend last night that he died and I was at his funeral and his house with his family and it felt so real. I woke up this morning sweating, breathing heavy and really scared. My first instinct was to call him. Mind you he has finally left me alone and I have not talked to him in about 3 weeks which is good but I feel so complelled to call him. It upsets me things had to end up the way they did and I wish things could be different. Should I give this a try being friends with him? I really feel like I need to call him but do not want to start up again? Was this dream significant? I am not sure what to do and I feel so scared for some reason. Please help.

February 11, 2007
2:59 pm
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It was just a dream...I had a dream this morning that my dog got run over by a huge dump truck...I woke up the same way, heart racing, scared, shaky...but it probably doesn't mean anything other than your brain is trying to help you process the break-up. I'm sure if anything happened to your ex you would hear about it...so I wouldn't try to contact him. It's too soon to try to be friends. Give yourself at least 6 months of no contact, maybe? And then see if you can be friends, once your emotional wounds have healed.

February 11, 2007
3:13 pm
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atalose
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People believe dreams can be our sub-conscious coming to terms with our emotions.
Its possible deep down you know its best that the relationship is over, him not contacting you for 3 weeks makes it very real that it is over.

You fact you wish things could be different means you still have some hope the relationship might work out. If you know its best that the relationship is over, then do not contact him. If you are the one who ended the relationship and you reach out to him, it gives him false hopes and prevents him from moving on. If he’s the one who ended things, it may appear you’re still attempting to hold on by calling him.

The truth is, its very hard to be friends especially if one did not want the relationship to end. Some where down the road, 6 months or a year it’s possible, but by then usually both have moved on and the friendship you seek right now, it will not be the same.

I think you should continue no contact unless you are willing to go back to where it was prior to the break up.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

February 11, 2007
8:08 pm
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Hurt09
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Thank you so much for the advice....It really made me stop and think that I could rewin what has been the 3 happiest weeks of my life that I have been since we broke up 6 months ago. It went back and forth for a while and all I would have is anxiety and I guess now that I feel so good I feel like things could be ok because I feel better but your right its not enough time and If I called him I would lose the respect I have for myself. I freaked about the dream but I find that you are right he has always tried calling once a week even if we were not going to call and he has not done that so maybe I feel like wow things are really over and they will never be the same but I did not make this he did so I need to tell myself I can not fix this and I am not sure I would want him to fix this either because I do not know I ever want him a part of my life again. Thank You for the advice it really helped me out.

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