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I JUST REALIZED THAT I AM CODEPENDENT...
July 21, 2005
1:50 pm
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lostnlove
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I was talking to one of my girlfriends last night about my up and down relationship with my BF and she told me that I was in a codependent relationship.

Today, I decided to look up codependency and I discovered this web site. I can't stop the tears from running down my face as I am reading all of your messages. I never realized that this is exactly what is happening to me.

I don't even know where to start with my story. I guess I would just appreciate
knowing that someone was interested in hearing it and knew that I could heal from all the hurt, pain and loneliness.

July 21, 2005
1:53 pm
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starshine
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Lostinlove,
This is a great place to spill it honey! What's going on?

Starshine

July 21, 2005
1:54 pm
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kc30
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It's a scary realization isn't it? But there is also some relief...in knowing that you aren't crazy and that there is an explanation for so many things that hurt, and even better, that there is HOPE and HELP available!

And after I found this board, it was great to realize that I'm not alone!!

Glad you found us here 🙂

First book probably everyone will recommend is called "Codependant no More" by Melody Beattie. I cried the whole time...it was like she was writing about MY LIFE.

lot of love
kc

July 21, 2005
2:14 pm
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kathygy
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lostnlove, the first step in recovery is awareness of the problem and you have taken that step. You can most definately heal from the hurt, pain and loneliness. I have worked on my recovery for many years and today I feel whole and complete. The hurt, pain and loneliness is competely gone. I used to live in pain. I had to give that up which I resisted because it was so familiar. But life is so much better for me today. I fill myself up with me and create my own happiness from within. I enjoy my own company. I still have some work to do with my family but I know I will get there. All it takes is committment to yourself and some hard work. I found attending 12-step meetings and therapy to be extremely helpful. You don't have to do it alone.

July 21, 2005
6:22 pm
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lostnlove
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Thanks for all the quick responses!

This story seems so incredibly long. It's hard to figure out where to start.

I was married for 17 years to my high school sweetheart. We did everything we set out to do...built our own home, had a great son and built a successful business. But as the years went on, my now ex-husband, never had a enough and he started spending money we didn't have. It was very stressful, because I handled all the paperwork and finances and I had to constantly juggle funds and deal with late bills etc. I dealt with it for 10 years. As time went on our realationship turned in to strickly business partners. There wasn't any love. I just worked myself to death and he really didn't care.

One day I learned that he was trying to start another business behind my back and that was the last straw. After several failed attempts to get him to move out, I finally could not take it anymore and moved out.

It was so hard, because my son wanted to stay with his Dad, but it still did not stop me. My family was very disaapointed and my parents and sister did not support me at all.

I had some friends and things to do to get through it all. In fact, that was 5 years ago. Now I have a great relationship with my son, my parents have come around and seen the truth and I have a very cordial and respectuful relationship with my ex-husband. My sister and I have not resolved our differences, but I still have hope. She can be very critical and aggressive and I just don't need that now.

Well, that is a little history to let you know what kind of person I used to be.

Now, I am in what seems to be a totally different type of relationship and I just feel so empty,lost, angery that I let this happen to me and most of all, lonely.

So here it goes:
After I moved out of my house I stsrted dating again and having fun.
Within seven months I met a guy in a bar, who I thought was seperated from his wife, but later found out he still had not moved out. (YES- I know red flags were popping up everywhere) but he persued me, told me he loved me within a month, showed me how to play and have fun again and eventually I fell in love with him.

He did get "legally" seperated from his wife and divorced. I went through it all with him and I went through my final divocre too. We became very close and have a very special bond, because we helped each other get through it all and it was extremely stressful.

We have been together 4 yrs. and some months now. He moved in with me when he seperated and has a wonderful 8 yr. old boy who lives with his ex-wife. We both have very liberal visitation with our kids, so that works out real well. The kids love being with us. Sounds like a dream come true. Yeah, I thought so too.

There were problems from the get go, but I always knew that any relationship takes work and great communication and we had that, so I thought we would get things resolved.

There were issues involving trust from me and I am sure you realize why.
Plus as time went on I discovered that he cheated on his wife a lot. He travels for work often and this adds to me dealing with trust issues.

When we argue.,he takes off to the barsto shoot pool and avoids the conflict. I am persitant and always initiate gettingthings worked out.

I have found myself doing things I never would have thought of doing years ago. I have driven around trying to find him, phoned his work just to see if he is really there and 2 yrs, ago I even hired a PI to track him. That was a huge mistake, because even they couldn't keep up with him. When he is out-of-town and I can't get him on his cell phone, I phone his hotel room just to see if he is there. It's crazy! What is even crazier is I have never in 4 yrs. found him doing anything real wrong. I have known that he is out playing pool on occassion, when I thought he should be a home, but nothing major.

He professes he love and commitment to me repeatedly and tells me that I need to realize this, but every time I do, he does something little to spark my mistrust. Like not answering his phone in front of me right before he's leaving to go out-of-town or when I called him a few weeks ago he said he was a work, but I knew different, because I had just called his work and he was not there.
I confronted him right away and he said he was washing his truck. Still another little lie.

I guess by now if you haven't gotten sick of reading this story, you can start to see the codependency issue arising.

The biggest codependency issue is that when I started seeing him , I paid for a lot. Because while separated he had to pay his mortgage and spousal & child support. I even let him live with me rent free for over a year. He never offered to pay rent until I threw a fit. Now, he pays half of everything. I had the money back then and I just wanted to take care of him and make him happy. In fact, after the business, I was in with my ex-husband, finally was completely closed down, I didn't work and I started traveling every where with my BF. I have honestly had the most fun and best time of my life with him.

Now, during all this my BF has continuously told me that he wants to get married. So, when all divorces were done etc. I thought maybe he would ask. Much to my suprise, he has not and when I approach him about it, he keeps telling me he is going to , but uses traveling, lack of time etc. as an excuse.

So one day I asked him why he loved me and this is when I knew things were not right. He said he loved me primarily because I take good care of him and then various other expected reasons.
So defensively, I stopped washing his clothes, buying neccessities for him etc. I told him I just couldn't do it anymore and I was tired of just being his "girlfriend".

I have asked him to move out numerous times and he always convinces me that we belong togeher. Now he is traveling all the time and it is like he doesn't really live here any way.
I absolutley hate the traveling part, because I miss him so much.

The hardest problem I have now is that I have spent all my saved money on trips with him and taking care of him. Now I am desperate for a job and I can hardly focus on trying to get one and I am lost on how to go about it.

Ironically, now he has money from his divorce. He has bought a new vehicle and seems to be enjoyiong it all. I'm really happy for him, but now I feel like have nothing. No job, no marriage with him, no money. Just a few friends, because he managed to isolate me from all that. In fact, when he is out=of-town and I go out, he always says have a good time, but I can tell he resents it.

There is so much more I can tell you, but that is enough for now.

I guess the bottom line is I know I am codepent and he is obviously controlling, but do you think in time this relationship can heal or is it hopeless or I am I just crazy in love???

THANKS!

July 22, 2005
6:00 pm
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withapureheart
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When I found out I was codependant I was relieved.......it meant I really wasn't crazy after all....there was a name for the hell I had been living.

January 24, 2006
4:55 pm
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Anonymous
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First of all I would like to start with by introducing myself as an Adult Grandchild of Alcoholics. As a result I am Codependent! My grandfather was the alcoholic and as a result my father became the workaholic and a problem drinker. He is now sober today. My mother was the caretaker, codependent in the relationship. I had a wonderful childhood no physical abuse. My parents loved and cared for me, however they were not able to express themselves or show affection very well. They measured there love with there success in money. We didn't talk about problems very much although we all were experts when It came to everyone else's problems. Don't get me wrong I love my parents to death! I lacked something in my upbringing somewhere and as I grew older I attracted addicts. I wanted them to fulfill what I was missing in my childhood. As a result I picked the broken men! I tried to fix them and in return I expected them to give me what I lacked in my childhood.
Five relationships later! Relationship #1 was an active drinker, #2 was a workaholic, #3 was a relapse closet drinker who had recovery but just couldn't get the sobriety part, #4 was a "pot head".
What a wonderful life! Just Lovely! Do you see the pattern! In between each relationship I always said I would never go out with someone like that again but it always happened again and again.....but today I've surrendered to the fact that I attract addicts I realized my life was unmanageable then. I always said "Why does this always happen to me" Today Relationship #5 is following a 12 step program of AA and I now follow a 12 step program of Alanon, ACOA, and CODA.

Today my life has changed................
Today I have found peace and serenity in my life because I am able to let go and let God. I no longer live in denial, anger, and resentment. I've learned to forgive and have faith. Life is beautiful!
I have also broken my cycle pattern thanks to these programs because I've learned how to live just for today. In this moment with no worries about tomorrow because what will happen tomorrow will only be another learning experience for myself to grow.
I can also identify the negative behaviors I thought my child and help him by not controlling him or criticizing him. I allow him to be himself and teach him how to feel his feelings again. I live and let live! By living for me and I take care of me and as a result everyone around me respects me a lot more. I now have more time on my hands because I don't have to try and run everyone else's life. I am no longer a door mat for people to walk on. I no longer live for everyone else. I don't react anymore to any crisis in my life like I trust they happen for a reason. I now live with great awareness and I must continue on my journey of recovery for the rest of my life because I can never graduate from this learning. It will take me the rest of my life to undo what I've learned as a child.

If you ever want what I have you just need to do the work. I needed to find out what made me tick by looking at myself.

January 25, 2006
11:05 am
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taj64
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Pinkpaw, thank you for this piece. It is inspiring. This is what I need to do. I am realizing I need more help than just to go on. I need something else than just to seek comfort from the site. I need to attend CODA meetings for myself. I need to be able to feel my feelings. I need to feel alive again but only for me. I need to do something other than just getting by. I too have a history of the few relationships I have been in are of people with an addiction of some sort and emotionally unavailable. I have a lot of needs. they are not being met totally and the only person that can meet these needs is me. I have work to do. And reading this allows me to see that I am not there yet.

January 25, 2006
2:26 pm
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Anonymous
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Thank you for sharing taj64....progress is one day at a time!

January 25, 2006
4:23 pm
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lewis
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Do u fear being on your own?

January 27, 2006
2:25 pm
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Anonymous
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Not at all! I enjoy being alone to spend time getting to know myself.

My partner and I live like roomates. We each have our own vehicles and we split on bills.

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