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i just found out my dad chews tobacco....-shattered heart
April 22, 2005
6:00 pm
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shatteredheart
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hi, well tonight i was at this restraunt and i was sitting on my dads coat and i felt a lump in it, so i tried opening his pocket and i'm like "hey whats this" not knowing what it was....and my dad tugged it away quick, i left the restraunt with my brother, and mom and my mom said "he chews tobbacco." and i was confused because this is the dad that he is an alcoholic but even through that i admired him with not doing any other drugs. But the person that i've known for about 15 yrs and the role model that i had for not doing drugs was misleading. He shouldnt have hidden it, he should have just said it because i looked up to him. And now i worry a bout him alot. I'm so confused, please help

April 22, 2005
8:03 pm
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angel4U
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Hi shatteredheart -

I was wondering what is making you really upset and confused about this? That your dad chews and therefore is no longer this perfect person in your eyes, or that he wasn't open and honest about it? I am almost seeing both as a problem for you.

My insight on tobacco may be different than yours - I personally do not look at it as a drug, per se, but do see it as something unhealthy. I smoke, and wish so much that I had never started as I can tell you first hand that kicking the habit is very hard to do. I asked you originally why you were upset because if one of the reasons is that you will now judge your dad for being "less than" because he does this, this may be the very reason why he didn't say anything. And also, as a Dad, he may not want you to experience his bad habit because he doesn't want you to think it's ok too. Does that make sense?

In either case, if it bothers you because he wasn't open & honest about it, maybe try to open up and talk to him about it in a caring way. Let him know how you feel about "secrets" like this, and how it effects your relationship with him. But please try not to judge him, my guess is that that will make him keep on hiding.

just my 2 cents.

angel4u

April 22, 2005
9:31 pm
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shatteredheart
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yeah well the main things thats upsetting me is that i mean my dads an alcoholic so i know he wasnt "perfect." But i always looked up to my dad because he never did any drugs besides alcohol and he was like my role model for me. But when i found out he had been chewing tobacco for years then i sorta felt like
i looked up to him for nothing. He always told me tobacco and smoking were bad and i should never do them, but then i just find out he does it and its like hes a hypocrite. I've got depression so its hard for me to bare much more worry and stuff and people with depression all make things 3 times worse than they really are, but i'm just kinda concerned and disappointed in my dad.

April 22, 2005
9:45 pm
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angel4U
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RE: "He always told me tobacco and smoking were bad and i should never do them, but then i just find out he does it and its like hes a hypocrite."

This is what would have bothered me ... that he lied about it. When you calm down, maybe try talking to him about it. Let him know why it bothers you that he did not tell you, and why it worries you that he does it. Then let him think about it. But remember, you can't stop him from drinking or chewing. Both are very strong addictions, and very hard to stop. He has to make that choice for himself, and I think knowing that he has a wonderful daughter that cares about him may help ... but then again, it may not be enough, so please don't feel bad if he doesn't stop.

Allowing yourself to worry about him all the time is only hurting you, too. I know it's hard to accept, but all you can do until he is ready to quit is show him you care, and that you don't like to see him hurting himself like that. And then live by example for him & others, by taking care of you and treating yourself the best you can.

Big hugs to you!

angel4u

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