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I hit that "point"
September 5, 2005
1:42 pm
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Shaney
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Honey - I'm glad to hear that you didn't subject yourself to going to his house. That would have been disasterous - mentally and emotionally - and you were smart enough to spare yourself the drama.
I'm proud of you. 🙂

He's not as strong as you think. He's the one who has to belittle you to make you doubt your own feelings and self-worth. As long as he can keep you down, he has you. And he knows the perfect time to give you just enough goodness to keep you hoping. Guys like this are MASTERS at this emotional game - I'll bet he's like this with everyone.

He's also not as secure as you think. He calls you a million times and plays it off in front of his friends like he has it all covered. Meanwhile he has to keep his friends around him 24/7 to avoid being alone. That's when they always call... when they're alone.

This is a horrible cycle for you to be in. You are better than this, and he knows it - believe me, he REALLY does know it. You're young - don't let this man's treatment of you, age you - stress and mental anguish does that. The man for you is out there - he'll be a good husband AND and good father... this current guy will never be either - he's too selfish.

Breakups are hard but worth it in the big scheme of things. My mother is living your life, still at 56 years old. I always tell my her, that I would rather be unhappy for a couple of months while I recover from a bad realtionship, than miserable with a man who mistreats me for the rest of my life. She's been miserable with the same guy for 6 years now... and it shows. She's gained weight, dresses differently, acts very shy and insecure, and stays with him because she's afraid of going thru the agony of a breakup. Very sad. Just to give you some perspective on this, at one time, she owned 3 health clubs, was in newspapers because of her body and fitness accomplishments, had tons of friends, traveled, and had all the confidence that you could ever want. Making the choice to stay with this man, has cost her all of this. She's not even the same person that I used to know.

Don't let that happen to you, honey. Especially if you KNOW what's best for you and your future - and I can see in your posts that you do. Exercise your power of choice - it will produce great results if you let it. Good luck - honey. Keep posting if you need to.

Love - Shaney

September 5, 2005
7:14 pm
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22haha
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Shaney,
Hi and thanks you for posting back. I went to a parade today with my brother, niece and bunch of friends. On the way the ex text me and asked if I was going (first attempt to communicate in 24 hrs.) I replied simply "yes" He asked then if I was bringing my niece. Again I simply said "yes" Later he asked if he could come play games and go on rides with us. I waited until we left to reply "didn't stay long, have fun". He has since replied again to wich I chose not to reply to. I can already see the point where he is trying to be the "good guy". Come on, playing games with us? Since when does he leave a beer tent to play games with a 2 year old? See... he is already thinking that I am going to cave and he is starting his manipulation process. I am sure tomorrow he will call for lunch or dinner. Wondering what the best thing to say to him is so he gets it without making him crazy?????

September 5, 2005
8:11 pm
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Shaney
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Hey ha!

You're smart to recognize that he's starting the cycle again. He's throwing you a kindness "hook" before he reels you back in. It's predictable, when you've already been through it a million times.

I think that what you say to him is dependent on what your decision is. Are you working it out, or are you done? One thing for sure, is that you already KNOW what pushes his buttons and makes him crazy. Is it a tone that you have, an attitude or something specific that you say? Think about it. If you don't want the same outcome, you'll need to take a different approach - only you will be able to figure out what that is. He'll probably use all of the same controlling tactics that he's used before - they're all meant to hurt you and belittle you - but that doesn't mean the things that he says are true. In fact, they're probably very UNTRUE - just words to devastate you into some sort of submission. You know yourself better than anyone... don't let him make you second guess your feelings and your purpose. Your feelings are valid and so are you.

Whatever you decide to do, good luck honey. Write back if you need to. I'll be checking back. Toodles... 🙂

September 5, 2005
9:52 pm
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Neshema
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22-

You are doing great. Don't cave! Shaney and I are checking on you. Toodles (that was cute) from me too 🙂 🙂 you got a lot of support here!

September 5, 2005
10:41 pm
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22haha
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Shaney and Nesh -
Hello ladies!!! No, I haven't caved yet, and I don't plan to this time. I did do a drive by again tonight, and yet another hot tub party. I only wonder what he is doing at night. I assume this is because I don't trust him farther than I can throw him?!?! So, tonight is much easier than last night, in fact I don't even care that he is having a party. I just wonder when will I stop wondering what he is doing? Is that a control issue I have? I guess it's just because he has cheated so many times that I started cheking up on him.

I also like the fact that I now realize (thanks to Shaney) that really all he has are his WORDS. Thats all they are. I remembered recenly after reading that, that when I was young and my brothers were picking on me.. my mom would say "ignore them and they will stop". Thats what I am doing. Ignoring his harsh words. None of them are true and we both know it. I am learning a ton here lately.

September 5, 2005
11:24 pm
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22haha
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Amazing also how only 3 days alone can make things so much clearer. The fog I was living in was smothering me, glad I am getting out of it. I can't control him. He needs to help himself if he wants to. He has an appt. Oct 1, and if he is serious he'll go, right? Otherwise, he likes how he is and nothing I say or do will change that.

September 5, 2005
11:28 pm
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Neshema
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22-

Instead of going to the hot tub, you can come here! Isn't that great you discovered this place! While he is having fun without you, u have us to keep you strong. Any guy who can have fun without you, doesn't deserve you. I, personally, would miss you if you left! 🙂

September 5, 2005
11:32 pm
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22haha
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Nesh - you are too sweet. That totally brought a smile to my face. I actually like it here a lot. It really is helpful. To learn, to listen, to heal. I am thankful for everyone. I'm not even missing the hot tub or that whacky relationship we had. Wierd, I can picture him drunk on his deck and it makes me glad I'm here not there.

September 5, 2005
11:34 pm
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Shaney
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It sounds like you've gone through so much with him - after six years, there is obviously lots of water (dirty water) under the bridge. And some bumps and bruises left behind for you to deal with due to his verbal abuse and CHEATING. Ugh... It's okay though. Really put things into perspective and KNOW that he has already done the worst he can do to you - you've experienced all of the emotions already, from everything that he has done - and you survived. You know what to expect, there are no surprises - be strong and look toward the relief you'll inevitably feel. Peace is on it's way - expect a few bumps, but your future can be bright. I'm 40 now, and to tell you the truth, life began at 30 for me. Your thirties can be the best time of your life if you make the right choices. Be good to yourself, honey. Love - Shaney

September 5, 2005
11:36 pm
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Neshema
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that is so true, shaney! And by the way, about that hot tub, you know how many germs are in there? I bet he goes pee pee in there. He is so yukky.

September 5, 2005
11:37 pm
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Neshema
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oops, was I allowed to say that?

September 5, 2005
11:41 pm
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22haha
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Nesh - funniest thing I have read yet. Still laughing.

Shaney - you are right again. I really have been through the worst. If 6 years of verbal, emotional, physical abuse topped off with non stop alcohol isn't the worst, then I don't know what is. I should be strong and realize that the only thing holding me back is still fear. Fear of being alone, or maybe fear that he is sleeping with someone tonight, I'm not sure. I guess either way it doesn't matter. I just need to let it go. When I think of all the things that have happened with us, my gosh... I have a hard time wondering how I am still sane. Thats NOT a joke!

September 6, 2005
12:09 am
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Shaney
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Ooh yuck... pee. See! The guy is a turd - he continues to torment innocent people without them even knowing it. Just be glad it's not you.

I have to walk my dogs, I'll be right back - it's 9pm.

September 6, 2005
12:23 am
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mamacinnamon
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22

Turn your back and walk away. DO NOT look back and don't play his games. He is evil and he does these things for his own sense of joy. Be safe....

September 6, 2005
12:50 am
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Neshema
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Hey, I will say anything childish to turn someone off to someone hurtful....professors can be very juvenile....just come to one of our faculty meetings...it is like preschool.

The point is, he is hot tubbing at your expense. You are hurting. That is unacceptable. You don't support it.

September 6, 2005
6:23 am
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nvr2late
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It is hard, and it will continue to be...he will want you back, then find out that freedom is fun and then dump you again! I see it in my own life, when they are lonely (which is all the time, since a few hot tub parties will not cure all...they will be alone in the morning) they do not get it, nor will they ever! that is too bad, since somewhere there might be a good person wanting to come out!
They just do not know how, don't worry about who he is with, it will not be a healthy relationship...nor will it be YOU, which is what they really want, and just do not know how to get you back where they want you! Get strong, where you do not need him....if that is something he can handle, then...maybe it is worth coming back and if they can handle the work that it will take to get you back...most of them cannot, you will have to cut your losses!
You need someone that is proud of you, that WANTS to be with you, not because he is lonely or cannot handle his life (most of them cannot)...you deserve more than that!
He is just filling his time, because he cannot stand to be with himself alone!!! Hot tub parties, getting drunk will get old when you are alone....I told my stbx...'someday you will GET IT, and realize what you had, and it will be too late'
Stop the madness, it is not fun to take day to day...focus on YOU, what you can do...you are strong!!!

September 6, 2005
7:54 am
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Anonymous
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hey nesh, you asked how long it will take until you stop "wondering" what he is up to - and checking up on him.

well, I have to tell you - it could be there for a while - doesn't have to be - but I was with my ex for 3 years on and off - he is an alcoholic. Before we broke up, I got a cell phone in my name for him cuz his credit sucked. Well, when we broke up, it was cuz I found out his password and heard voicemails from a woman in another state professing her love for him and indicating this was an ongoing thing (no wonder I don't trust my current BF with the cell) - anyway - I dumped him, but he never knew I had this password. Well, it's been a full year since, and guess what, up until sort of recently, I was STILL occasionally checking his voice mails - it sort of would confirm what a screw up he was and how miserable his life is - but then he got a house phone and his cell was no longer anything worth checking on - and I also stopped "chatting" with his best friend who was always willing to tell me how screwed up this guys life is.

bottom line is - it can take a while - we always want some kind of vindication or to acknowledge that they are screw ups and want continued proof.

it's not healthy and I don't know what caused me to stop, other than time - I didn't conciously do it - it just stopped and I noticed more and more time going in between checks - also, I am very caught up in other stuff and don't need to know what's up with him.

so that's my confession, cuz not many people know I was doing it - the current BF knew I was chatting with the middle man - and knew I had ulterior motives even if I didn't admit it or see it for myself - but didn't know I still checked his voice mails.

September 6, 2005
1:06 pm
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22haha
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Wow Ali - you sound like me. I too checked his voice mail and currently still have his e-mail password. So, he called for lunch like I expected (predictable). I text no thanks (I didn't want to talk to him). He replied "why?" I replied "just want to be alone" He replied "hope you are alright". Does this man rally think after 4 nights of not talking, him having hot tub parties without me then calling me for lunch on Tuesday and me saying NO, that things are running smoothly? I also found out through his friends who also love to fill me in (cause they think he is scummy) that there were naked girls in the hot tub. So, he is 40 and a majority of the people he hangs out with are 22-28. Isn't that creepy. Well, I am alone having lunch now and he is home, not getting a clue! Or, maybe he is and he is playing it off like he isn't. Still I hate him but I miss HIM (just his face I guess cause the rest of him sucks)

September 6, 2005
1:37 pm
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22haha
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Funny how when you are forced to remeber things (to write them down) how things come back to you...

At the beginning of the summer we got in a fight. We were going to a party and he decided not to go. I went anyway. While I was there he text messaged a girl that normally wouldn't be with that crowd and wrote "wanna tub?" as in hot tub. She walked around asking others who else got invited -NO ONE DID. So, right in front of me he asked another girls albeit 20 years old to go to his house cause we were fighting. Gee... really makes me sick to my stomach to remember this all. How could I ever trust him?

September 6, 2005
2:21 pm
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kathygy
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22,

This relationship is destructive to your self esteem. He is abusive and obviously doesn't care what you are feeling. You deserve to be valued and loved consistently. He sounds selfish and imature playing around with these women. You deserve a man that really cares when you say you are not happy. Your feelings should be taken very seriously because they are very important. It sounds like he lacks the capacity to be a loving partner. I think 6 years is way too long to have put up with this crap. Why let him hurt you and mis-treat for another minute? I would send him an email that it over. Don't let him fool you into thinking he can change. Its only an act. You have been through this with him and every time he goes back to treating you like a piece of trash. Any feeling of security you get from having this man in your life is false security. He has nothing genuine to offer you. You are better off alone. You can learn to be alone and not feel scared. It may feel more scary than it really is. You'll find that the fear will go away as you build a loving relationship with yourself.

love,
kathy

September 6, 2005
2:24 pm
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Anonymous
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yeah, and the text message game you describe is all too classic - he pretends he wants to know how you are feeling and you feed into it.

best is to block him or just not answer - delete before even reading it.

easier said than done - your answers are classic to what I would answer and what he would ask in return.

September 6, 2005
2:33 pm
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taj64
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If you continue to play the game with each other, then you set yourself up for more of the same. Distance is your best bet for your recovery and to heal from this man. Don't allow yourself to be hurt again and again. Remember the most dysfunctional relationships are the hardest to get out. It robs of having a healthy relationship. Concentrate on YOU first and detach yourself from this selfish person who does not deserve your thoughts or love.

September 6, 2005
2:40 pm
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Shaney
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You CAN'T - from the way it sounds, you haven't been able to trust hiim for a long time. That's no way to live. Gross. He sounds like that typical 40 year old guy in the club, with the mid-life crisis, that all the 20 year olds look at and say, "What's that OLD guy doing here?" He's obviously grasping onto some sort of youthful existence, since his own youth is slipping away. It's a sad but very obvious truth, and I'm sure everyone can see it but him. You've got too much life to live to be with someone who is that old and that immature.

Right now he's trying the passive approach to try and get you back - he's hoping that he doesn't have to make too much effort. Then when that doesn't work, he'll try to blame you for everything and strip you of your confidence. Don't let him get to you. You should get out of the house and have some fun of your own - don't worry about his pathetic attempts at having fun with people half his age.

September 6, 2005
4:37 pm
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Neshema
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right shaney! and when the 20 yr olds get bored, he will still have 22 to kick around if she hangs around.

September 6, 2005
4:51 pm
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Shaney
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My money is on 22 - she holds all of the cards in this situation - she'll do great.

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