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I hit that "point"
September 3, 2005
6:59 pm
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22haha
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For those who don't know I have been in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship for 6 years (i'm now 32) Last night I was getting ready to meet him for dinner when he called and acused me of one thing after another (none that I did). So, I was still going to dinner with him because I didn't have the strength to tell him no. I was literally bawling as I curled my hair. Crying that I didn't want to go, but was too scared to say no. So, after dinner we talked and I told him that I wasn't happy. He told me he was, and that was all that mattered. He said he just wants to have dinner with me and then to hang out and for me to not open my mouth. I tried to make sence of this but the harder I tried the worse his words got. Needless to say I tried again today. Wrong, I know. So, I went over to his house and he walked right past me - no look, no words. I asked what he was up to and he yelled at me again acusing me of doing something else I didn't do. So, I left. We had plans tonight with friends and I called them to tell them I couldn't make it. He went anyway and he has called me 3 times since. I haven't answered. He is abusive and I don't deserve ANY of it. He has NO idea the real me.
So, I guess they say you get to that "point" where you say enough is enough. I am there. I just wonder how long the anger stays because I have a tendency to soften after time. Any advice on how to stay at the point of no return. I have started to make a poster with his picture and all the abusive things he has said and done over the years. Any other good strategies? Thanks for any hints.

September 3, 2005
7:30 pm
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22haha
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He just called again and it is so difficult not to answer.

September 3, 2005
7:40 pm
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CAMER
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not answering is a start...otherwise 22, it seems like he is very manipulative and selfish, you told him you are not happy and he disregarded you, and he blames and accuses you for what??? that is no way to treat anyone...sounds like a verbally abusive and no respect on his part towards you.

Again, let him know that you are NOT happy, and mean it, don't let him try to control your feelings.

Hope you are doing ok.

(((camer))))

September 3, 2005
7:47 pm
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22haha
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Camer, thanks. He accuses me of the dumbest things. I told him he lookled nice yesterday because I saw him outside of his work (on a main road) and he said I was spying on him. He accuses me of anything and everything. He is an alcoholic with no feelings for anyone but himself.

Can you figure this out... his mother had a brain tumor removed a few days ago, I went to the hospital, he didn't. He acted like it was no big deal, then after her 3 hour surgery he text messaged a ton of people about her 10 hour surgery and thanks for all the prayers etc. First of all... its like he wants everyone to pitty him that he is dealing with this when he actually doesn't even care. Why is this?

September 3, 2005
8:16 pm
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thewall
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Is he psychotic at all? He could be hearing voices if he is accusing you or things you didnt do. Or perhaps he is paranoid, and i mean that in the pychotic term. He sounds dangerous to me.

I want you to stay w/ the anger b/c that is what is going to keep you strong. List everything he has done to you, has accusused you of and read them when you start to soften. List all the things you have tried to do to make it work.

But whatever you do, stay safe. Get out, watch your back and stay safe.

September 3, 2005
8:24 pm
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Thewall- he is the most secretive person I have ever met. He won't let me know any of his friends from work etc, he doesn't share anything toooo personal, he doesn't like his family, he loves his job, he loves his drinking, and he loves himself. He tells me he doesn't care what I do... and that means no matter what I do. I ask him "so, I could sleep with another guy and you wouldn't care?" and he tells me "no" Of course I don't but does he really mean that or is he just that angry in life? So, when I stop taking his calls, he calls me at work or shows up at my door. It's like a bad dream that doesn't have an ending. i feel like I am the star of "groundhogs day". He is very manipulative to EVERYONE. His friends and family all think there is something wrong with him but he thinks he is fine. How do I stay strong? I have lost so many people in my life (mom, sister in law etc) and he has brough my self esteem down to practically nothing (which is strange because I am 8 yrs. younger than him and about 100% better looking) I think smetimes he keeps me feeling shitty so I won't (can't) leave him. I don't have the energy or courage. HELP!!!

September 3, 2005
9:04 pm
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gingerleigh
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Lists. Lots and lots of lists. Post them everywhere, in every room of your house, next to your bathroom mirror and read it while you brush your teeth and wash your face. Change his name on your cell phone to be Abusive Asshole instead of his actual name. Enlist the help of a family member or girlfriend.

I understand how easy it is to soften. Write out everything he did these past 24 hours, or hell just print out this thread. He's using you like a doormat because you're letting him. You're too smart to let that keep happening now that you're aware of it.

I understand how frightening it is to be alone, but being alone and bored and sad is way better than being treated like dirt.

If you feel your anger cooling, come back here, because plenty of us can help you refuel that energy, that anger to give him the boot. You've had enough.

The hard part is going to be when he sees you mean business and he comes crawling back, saying he'll change, da da da. It's bullshit. Complete and utter bullshit. Buy women's empowerment books, He's not that into you, You're not that into him, How to turn your ex-boyfriend into a toad and other useful spells, or a book written by a comedienne about the perils of life as a single woman (I like Quick Shots of False Hope by Laura Kightlinger.) Anything else by Margaret Cho is bound to be funny. Watch the original Bridget Jones' Diary.

September 3, 2005
9:23 pm
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22haha
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Ginger,
thanks for that advice. I know all too well that "i miss you" gravel blah blah blah bullshit. I have fallen into that black hole one too many times. He is very good at the charminh phase, though.

It is definitly frightening to be alone but you are right, I deserve to be treated with respect and I should learn to be alone if I can't have that. I tell him he treats me like a doormat and he doesn't reply.

I do have a hard time staying angry. In fact, sometimes I never get angry when I know I should be. Or it's like I am afraid to get angry because then he will... and that scares me. Iv'e seen him angry - not a pretty sight. He has pushed me around twice and I sometimes am afraid to really show how I feel. So, now he has called 4 times tonight and I haven't answered. on a "normal" night he wouldn't have called once. And, if I EVER called him more than once he would answer and intentionally say "what, somebody better be sick, what happened, do you need to go to the hospital" as if to say that once is enough and 4 times means emergency situation!

September 3, 2005
9:33 pm
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22haha
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I guess I just realized on another post that I do need to be in control of myself rather than letting him control me. I have been so belittled that now I want to take charge of my life again.

September 3, 2005
10:04 pm
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gingerleigh
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If he has keys to your place, change the locks. Well worth the expense.

September 3, 2005
10:12 pm
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22haha
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ginger,
he doesn't have a key to my place. However, he has some "bills" in my name. He has had financial issues and has needed to use my credit. How do I change this without talking to him - seems kind of tough. I know he will try to call tomorrow or possibly really late tonight (3 am). I just want to fast forward like about 3 months. Where is the FF button on life?? I get scared that although he is abusive and is wrong for me - when he is gone completely I will feel like I screwed up and really want him back in my life. I don't know how to control those fearful feelings.

September 3, 2005
11:09 pm
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LovesPurple2760
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22,
My heart goes out to you. Keep telling yourself that you KNOW you deserve better. I know how it is to hear time and time again from your partner how terrible, crazy, unworthy or insignifant you are but you KNOW in your heart and head that these are all lies and that is him looking in the mirror at himself. If he throws enough insults your way, then maybe he won't look so bad when he looks in the mirror. I'm 45 and have been in more than one bad relationship in my adult life. The thing that I have learned is that although I may find myself caring for someone who is "sick" that I am now more aware of it and sooner than I used to be. I have a very hard time making myself stay mad, not allowing myself to fall into loneliness for the "good" part of the relationship and not rationalizing or excusing his bad behavior. I'm on day 10 of no contact from my ex boyfriend who was an alcoholic and emotionally absent in a relationship. His words say he wants a good relationship, he wants to change, he is going to change, he'll go to counseling, he'll go to the doctor about his lack of sexual drive, etc. However, what he continued to do was drink, act like nothing was wrong and live as if he was content with things how they were. Finally I realized the anger and resentment I was feeling toward him was ridiculous in that I and only I had control over my life. He was not making me stay with him and I KNEW I deserved better. So, I have not called, I have not driven by anywhere he might be and have avoided going anywhere I might run into him.

I know for me that once I get my mind in that place, and let time pass, I can move on. It is very hard but in the end, I know I am worth it and it is something that only I can do.

As far as the credit, all you can do legally, is call and write the credit agencies and advise them that he is no longer allowed to incur debt in your name. You cannot make him pay the ongoing payments but you can prevent him from incurring more debt. Once you have removed him as an authorized user of the account, the creditor should have to remove any charges made by him after your notifying them of his not being an authorized user.

Good luck to you. I log on several times a day to check on the posts. I'll look for your posts and respond as you need. The best thing I've found is to talk about the bad things, the more you tell, the better off you'll be. We who are physically and/or verbally abused have a tendancy to keep the bad stuff private or secret that way no one will know what we are experiencing and not like our partner. By my telling my children and friends, I know that I think twice before I will call (if I get the urge) and sometimes it has prevented me from making the call or answering a call.

Keep your chin up and know that there are many out here who are thinking of you and are here for you.

LovesPurple!

September 4, 2005
9:43 am
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22haha
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Lovespurple,
thanks you. He called last night in the middle of the night and I was so out of it I answered. He didn't say a word, then he hung up on me. I talked to the friend of mine that he was out with last night and he told them he had better call me and do "damage control". Then they said he better snap out of it and be good to me or I would leave and he said "na, everythiing is fine, I'll smoothe it over tomorrow". He just actsnlike I am a toy and he can do what he pleases and I am right there for him the next day - I guess because I always was. Thanks for writting back, it really helps. I am continuing to make posters and lists etc. I am focusing on the bad things to stay angry.

QUESTION: He also has his truck in my name so part of me wants to go to his house and take the plates off. Does anyone know what would happen if he gets in an accident being that his truck and insurance are in my name? Am I responsible or is it the drivers responsibility?

September 4, 2005
11:15 am
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gingerleigh
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Call your insurance company today and find out what the laws are, and advise them of the situation. You might also want to seek legal counsel to work through separation of assets and possibly getting a restraining order.

This guys sounds like a real piece of work. Be thankful that you are not married to this creep. Wake up every morning and thank God for that.

September 4, 2005
12:07 pm
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22haha
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So, why am I having such a hard time feeling good without him? He just called again, and I didn't answer. I know he is going to be relentless. Changing my number will only cause him to call work or stop over. Why do I feel so sad to end this horrible relationship?? I think I am so used to it that it's just like another day for me and if I put upp with it this long than why not just stay with it? UUUGGGHHH.

September 4, 2005
5:35 pm
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22haha
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now, I can't stop sleeping. Slept 12 hours last night and just took a 3 hour nap from 2-5. Feel like I have NO energy. What the heck? Found out the ex slept on my friends couch last night because he drank from 5pm to 2am and couldn't keep his head up by the end of the night. Nice, huh?

September 4, 2005
6:14 pm
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Shaney
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Honey,I really feel for you in this situation. My own mother sees a guy that keeps her right where he wants her, by verbally and mentally abusing her into submission. It's easy for me to say, but I don't understand why you feel so powerless when you OBVIOUSLY hold all of the cards! Think about this. He's driving a car with insurance, both in your name, has had financial difficulties and used your credit to bail him out. This guy is dependent on you for certain things in his life, yet you're the one who feels powerless, with no control. He manages to keep this convenient lifelstyle that you provide for him, by keeping you feeling crappy and insecure. He keeps you down and powerless by making you second guess your own feelings and worth. All he has is words, honey... and they're keeping you feeling scared. You're worth more. Empower yourself by taking control of what is financially yours... ignore his words - he'll use them because that's all he has. Once you stop believing his angry and demeaning words, he'll lose the ability to hurt you and control you. I feel that the car/insurance thing can come back to bite you - I would take care of that, especially if you feel that you may leave this man in your dust anytime soon.

September 5, 2005
12:45 am
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Shaney,
hi. It's late here, doubt you are up, but I just did a drive by his house and he is having a hot tub party. I think the biggest thing that holds me back is the fact that 90% of my social scene was with his friends. Most of my good friends moved out of state or are married with young babies. So, just now was the first time I drove by or thought about what he was doing. It made me more sad. I wish I hadn't done that. Now I am going to bed knowing that a bunch of our friends are all hanging out over there. I could stop by and things would be fine (you know what I meant) but it isnt fine for my life's future. I guess I just don't understand why people can be so cruel to someone that loves them so much. I am so hurt that he can't just love me the way I love him. So sad right now.

September 5, 2005
12:52 am
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22haha
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another thing is that I totally do not trust him but I feel like if I am close by he can't do anything wrong, yet part of me knows that I can't ever really be with him because I don't trust him. I feel like a rubberband and I am pulling myself in every direction. So confused, hurt, let down, frustrated, lonely, angry......

September 5, 2005
1:28 am
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Hi 22,

I hate to admit that I am going thru the same stupid thing. I've been separated for 2 1/2 months and just told my husband today that I want a divorce. But he is SO SLICK. I mean, now that I'm just around him sporadically, he seems so nice and thoughtful and charming and sorry, etc., etc., etc. I told my shrink that if he were her patient an hour a week, she'd probably have a crush on him!

Sometimes I have to spend a day with him just to remember why I don't like him! Usually it just takes a couple of hours of listening to him talk about himself non-stop before I remember.

It's like he's two people that are so different that when he's being the one it seems like he couldn't ever have possibly been the other, do you know what I mean? (Probably everyone on this site knows what that means!) Sometimes I think I must have been imagining the bad stuff. I have to really work at reliving his rages and put-downs and stuff to stay strong. But it's SO hard.

It's weird, because I had other boyfriends before I got married, and when I eventually got fed up with them for one reason or another, I was thoroughly DONE and never, ever tempted in the slightest to go back. But my husband seems to have just the right mix of attractiveness, persuasiveness, neediness, and the power to brainwash me, to make it almost impossible for me to stay away from him. I often fantasize that he will get transferred to China! I think I'd be fine after a couple of days if I just never had to see him.

I think that for some reason, a really screwed-up guy can just give you the feeling that he loves you and needs you so intensely and that no one else in the world could ever mean to them what you do. And even though there may not be very many good moments, the good moments are just SO good that they're addictive. And they love you with this desperation that a healthy guy is just not going to have. I mean, if you break up with someone healthy, they have enough self-esteem to take you at your word and walk away. But not a screwed-up guy!

Sorry, 22. I know I'm just selfishly venting and probably not helping you at all, but you really struck a chord with me! Good luck, sweetie. Oh, I actually do have a piece of advice. This book I'm reading talks about "playing the movie to the end". That means, don't just think about how good you'd feel tonight or tomorrow if you got back together. Look down the road and see yourself in 5, 10, 20 years, getting more and more lonely, isolated, bitter, broke, with your little emotionally abused children running around, and the situation not changing or even getting worse, and you trying to get up the courage to get out when you're a lot older and more stuck. Keep on looking down the road at this ugly picture and it'll help you through. That's what I'm doing!!!

Good luck, love EJ

September 5, 2005
2:39 am
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22-

I really hope you didn't go over to that hot tub party. He is having fun at your expense, while he doesn't even care that you are miserable. Why are you giving this man so much power over you? You are better looking, smarter, more responsible, and kinder. I know you fear dropping this bad habit and being alone, but this man is harmful and he basically owns you, and feels you deserve nothing but maltreatment and some scraps. Show him (and you) the love and respect he has not given you by being good to yourself from now on.

September 5, 2005
7:12 am
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Holy Cow, it sounds my stbx....same thing! He can be nice just enough to make me feel sorry for him, I take over his responsibilities....then like that I am nothing to him again!
Although he admits to me that he is truly f*cked up! He does not know what he wants, he just needs the distraction....we are deserving SANE people, that are caught up in THEIR craziness...so it makes us feel that way, like we are doing something wrong and it is NOT US!!!!! It is hard to see that when we are in the middle of it, I think you hit the nail on the head.....we are addicted to the great times, they are able to hide the rest from everyone else. (My mother in law is in so denial about her sons, think they do no wrong, and he is a monster to me) I guess we just walk away when we are ready not to be their doormats anymore or we find someone that can treat us different and see that there would be someone that would LOVE to be with us!!! and would treat us and our children right, although I am not sure we would know how to handle that!!! Sad as that is!
When you have had enough (which it sounds like you have) we will come to our sense and realize that life does not have to be like this! as I told my stbx...'you may chose to live your life on lies and manipulation...but that is not the way I am going to live.'
We don't need them, they need us..that is SOOOO true.
And they will not change without help, they will make you think you are the one that needs help, so untrue....they will not get help, they will not have a healthy relationship with anyone!!! You are the object of his obsession, break it for yourself! you deserve so much better! Stay strong!

September 5, 2005
7:12 am
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nvr2late
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Holy Cow, it sounds my stbx....same thing! He can be nice just enough to make me feel sorry for him, I take over his responsibilities....then like that I am nothing to him again!
Although he admits to me that he is truly f*cked up! He does not know what he wants, he just needs the distraction....we are deserving SANE people, that are caught up in THEIR craziness...so it makes us feel that way, like we are doing something wrong and it is NOT US!!!!! It is hard to see that when we are in the middle of it, I think you hit the nail on the head.....we are addicted to the great times, they are able to hide the rest from everyone else. (My mother in law is in so denial about her sons, think they do no wrong, and he is a monster to me) I guess we just walk away when we are ready not to be their doormats anymore or we find someone that can treat us different and see that there would be someone that would LOVE to be with us!!! and would treat us and our children right, although I am not sure we would know how to handle that!!! Sad as that is!
When you have had enough (which it sounds like you have) we will come to our sense and realize that life does not have to be like this! as I told my stbx...'you may chose to live your life on lies and manipulation...but that is not the way I am going to live.'
We don't need them, they need us..that is SOOOO true.
And they will not change without help, they will make you think you are the one that needs help, so untrue....they will not get help, they will not have a healthy relationship with anyone!!! You are the object of his obsession, break it for yourself! you deserve so much better! Stay strong!

September 5, 2005
8:02 am
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To you in these abusive situations:

I married and lived w/ an abuser for 12 years. I then suffered the next 14 years until the kids were emancipated. Please listen.....

This is NOT the type situation you want to be in. It starts w/ verbal remarks, then progresses to trying to drive you nuts, then comes the physical. I personally think the mental abuse is worse than the physical. Because of my bein married to him I developed ptsd, then fibromyalgia, then the complications that come from that disease. You may not see it now, but the verbal abuse will take it's toll on your body. Stress causes terrible things to happen your mental and physical wellbeing.

I'll not harp on it for now, but please conisder, think a minute or less, and run like hell. DO NOT trust this type person. EVER.

September 5, 2005
9:38 am
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Thank you all!
I did not go to the party - I really knew I couldn't. He is such a bad person and I am not. Although, you are right, he is so great at times it seems almost impossible for him to be as horrible as he is at other times. It's a total Jekyl and Hyde. So, I hold on to the few good days and let the horrible months pass by. I'm over that. He just doesn't care at all about my feelings. He knows I want kids and then wehen we see friends and they ask when we are getting married and having kids he says "yeah, right, I'm this close to a vasectomy". Who does that? Who disrespects someone that much in front of them?

mama- your right. I have actually lost 12 pounds recently due to the stress. Thats not a good thing considering I am 5'9" and now weight 110. I eat and I am healthy but it just happened! Sorry to hear you have had to bear so much pain. Thanks for writting it sure does help.

Ej.- funny that sometimes I would talk to him for about an hour and realize, this guy is a jerk and I have had enough. Hang in there.

nvr2late- He does make me think I am the one that needs help. He actually told me when we first started dating (and I was extremely happy) that i would be on antidepressents far before he would be. I guess he knew what he was going to do to me. He has an appt. in Oct. I beg to differ that he will actually go.

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