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I haven't been on here in a long time-Jewel
June 5, 2007
1:06 pm
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jewel
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Well, since I moved out of one county and into another, for some reason I don't have any behavioral health insurance until friday. I am on mediciad. I will have to call for names of counselors and psychitrists in this area on friday. I can't wait because I really need to work on myself. I am happy, sad, lonely, and love life all at different times. I don't know if I want to be on meds for bipolar because they screwed me up so bad before. I am just simply scared. I am so scared of failure with school. I am afraid that I am going to get hurt in my new relationship. For people that don't know, I broke up with my fiance and just jumped into a new relationship. I fell out of love with my ex fiance for a long time so I think that is how I could go into a relationship so fast. The truth of the matter is, I really had nowhere to go and my new bf took me in and things fell into place, but I really want my own place. I want my independence. I am looking for a job now, but there is no way with all of my bills that I can afford rent to live by myself. I feel like I am stuck. I am just so scared every waking day of what the day may bring. I can't take anymore heartbreak. I feel as if I can't handle my problems alone anymore and that is why I am seeking help. I am no longer abusing klonopin and pain meds. I have been drinking alcohol though. I am not drinking alone like I used to, but I am still drinking. That will be brought up with the counselor once I get one. For once in my life, I just want things to be good and feel secure. I am so sick of feeling the way that I do right now. It is not a good feeling at all. Thank you to all that have stuck by my side through all of my hardships. Thanks for being honest even if what you said might not have been what I wanted to hear. SOmetimes you need to hear that. The truth sometimes hurts. I feel like I am just going to surrender and get help which I needed for some time. I thank God everyday for being there for me. Without Him, I think I would have died many years ago. I gotta go for now and get ready for an interview I have in a couple hours. Wish me good luck!!!! I need all the luck a girl can get. I will post more later.

Love to all my friends,

Jewel

June 5, 2007
1:12 pm
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mj
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Good Luck with your job interview Jewel. I am so happy that you are trying to take care of yourself, a day at a time. You can do this!

June 5, 2007
10:31 pm
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smarterone
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jewel, good to see you on. Oh honey, i know how confusing life is, i feel just like you. Take it one day at a time. Be careful with the drinking jewel, its so easy to get caught up. Good luck

June 6, 2007
8:44 am
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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jewel...start making those calls NOW...make the appointment for Friday or Monday.

You don't need insurance to make the appointment, just by time the appointment is here.

Good luck on your interview.

June 7, 2007
4:02 pm
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jewel
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Thank you to all who responding and for all the well wishes. My interview went well, but with my luck, I won't get the job. I paid most of my bills for this month and have a little extra towards next month. I am just so stressed. I am over my ex-fiance, but the whole broken engagement bothers me. And I just got a 73% on my psychology exam. I have never got a C on any college exams or papers or assignments. I just feel so stupid. My boyfriend is at the top of class and is a highest honors student so it kind of lowers my self esteem b/c he is doing so good and I am doing so bad. I am supposed to be going on another interview tomorrow, but I think I am just going to stay home and get drunk. I know that is not the answer, but I just can't take anything else today. I didn't make the appointment yet, but I am going to. Tomorrow. I really need help. I am no meds for my depression and bipolar. I am thinking maybe that is why I feel so bad. And that is why I can't concentrate. I just feel like dropping out of school. I am not even working and I am still not doing good in school and I have all this extra time. I am not really trying anymore though. My life has turned to shit.

JEwel

June 7, 2007
4:56 pm
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mj
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((((Jewel)))))

You can change it! You have a choice and I believe in YOU!

June 8, 2007
3:35 am
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jewel
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I feel soooooooooooo low right now. I don't know what to do.

June 8, 2007
4:44 am
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jewel
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I am soooooooooooo suicidal right now. I don't know what to do. I hate my life.

June 8, 2007
1:19 pm
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mj
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Do you think that being bipoloar you might be experiencing the low right now? I have seen you go low and then high just recently. Do you think that seeing a specialist in Bipolor disorder might be a good step in a more positive direction?

I wish you well.

June 8, 2007
1:32 pm
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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Today is Friday, you have insurance.

Get your fingers to start dialing the phone and get an appointment.

I agree with MJ...sounds like your bipolar has swung in the down direction.

Get some help before your hurt yourself again...if not for yourself, then for your family and loved ones.

June 8, 2007
6:10 pm
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smarterone
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Jewel, why arent you on your meds, you know what happens. Get the meds, pls dont get drunk, tomorrowyou will hate yourself for that and then the cycle starts.Good luck

June 11, 2007
12:41 am
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serenityali
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Here we go again...this is a pattern or a hoax. Hate to say it, but it seems like you say things to get a reaction from people.

I hope I am wrong, but have been reading you threads for over 6 months now. It's similar to a cat and mouse game of attention seeking behavior.

Ali

June 11, 2007
3:21 am
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jewel
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Hello to all that have responded. I appericiate it. I actually hate attention and am very shy. I am not on here to get attention. I am just posting my true feelings towards life. I am gonna get names of therapists and pychyitrists too. I know I need help. Please don't feel sorry for me because I am okay with life. Just need to sraighten it out.

Jewel

June 13, 2007
4:27 am
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jewel
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I am so scared of getting help, but I know that is the next step for my recovery. I went to the er last night b/c of chest pain which ended up being broncitis. I have an inhaler now. I am just soooooooooo confused about life,

Jewel

June 14, 2007
6:00 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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I am a bit confused by what you expect from your posts. Do you want advice? Do you want sympathy? Support for your decision? or are you just doing what I do sometimes and chat about your life? I've read about the many changes in your life these past few months.

You write about what you ought to do..stop drinking, seek help. is that what you really want to do? Or is it a step you are not quite ready to take?

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