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I haven't been on here in a long time-Jewel
May 25, 2007
12:33 pm
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jewel
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Hi all!! I haven't been on here for a very long time. I decided I needed time away from this site because people were making me feel worse about myself. Maybe I just didn't want to hear the truth, but I felt as though I didn't need anymore shit in my life. I have been doing pretty well for the most part. I started school on monday for the summer semester. I am taking two classes. My economics class is really hard for me to understand, but I guess I will get through it. I am looking for a job. I have something lined up early next week. I am over my broken engagement for the most part. I am still dealing with the ex though because he STILL has most of my stuff and I broke things off with him over a month and a half ago. He is putting my items into storage and is also a pain in the ass. He is treating me like crap now because he has a new girlfriend. About two weeks after I dumped him, he found her. I already have a boyfriend which I know is not healthy, but things kind of just happened. I am being careful. I am very scared of getting hurt again. Breakups are very painful, but I am getting over this one and I thank God every day that I didn't marry him. The day that was the hardest was on may 15th. That was supposed to be our wedding day and I thought I would be alright, but I such dread. That day is over now so I am okay. So how has everyone been? I missed you all very much, but felt I had to get off this site for awhile. It was hurting me more than helping me and I can't have that. Hope to talk to someone soon.

Jewel

May 25, 2007
12:37 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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(((Jewel)))

I do hope that you know that my intent was not to hurt you. I am glad to see you back, and know that I am thinking about you, have been worried about you, and care about you much. I am sorry if it didn't sound that way in my post. I just hope that you get the help that you need. You sound good, and I am glad. You are a good woman Jewel. You deserve to be happy. I hope that you believe that as much as we all do here.

Mich

May 25, 2007
12:43 pm
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loverbee
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Hello jewel, we have missed you. Good luck with your economics class. I am sorry about the breakup. I know how hard those can be. Dealing with the hurt of one myself too. May I ask why exactly you thought you were getting hurt more than helped? I am just curious.

May 25, 2007
12:51 pm
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Thanks scared. I know everyone was just trying to help me, but I was hurting so bad that I felt as if everyone was out to get me. Loverbee, I guess that kind of answers your question. Loverbee, I am sorry to hear that you are going through a breakup too. That is what I am afraid is going to happen with my new boyfriend and that is why I should really be alone right now. He is afraid I am going to leave him too. He thinks I am way too pretty and good for him. I don't know why he thinks that. I don't think I am anything special. He is a cutie pie and younger than me. I am 26 and he is only 21 and turns 22 in July. And I will tell you something, he is much more mature than my 33 year old ex. Loverbee, what happened between you and your ex? You don't have to tell me if you don't feel comfortable. Scared, I know you were only trying to help but I felt so low to the point where I attemped suicide. If it weren't for my new bf, I could be dead right now. I know that I need to get help and haven't followed through with therapy or a psychitrist. I am going without any meds now and they say I am bipolar. I feel like I am doing well without the meds though. I was overmedicated before I went to the hospital and they took me off everything and put me on lexapro. I was taking it, but forgot one day and just totally quit taking it. I am drinking again and some of you know of my past. I was sober for one year and one month and I screwed that up. I know I should quit again, but haven't gotten to that yet. That is why I need a therapist. And to actually listen to them. Thanks for your responses.

Jewel

May 25, 2007
2:52 pm
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loverbee
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Well, we realized that it was as good as it was ever going to get. There was nothing really wrong except that we like being around eachother way too much. We are eachothers first and we realized that we needed to do some growing seperately. Still the best of friends and everything. In fact I am going to his graduation tomorrow but we never really got a chance to choose eachother cause we just ended up together cause my dad kicked me out and he I needed a place to stay and one thing led to another and we were practically engaged at a very young age. So we want to find out who we are without eachoether and then if it was meant to be, it was meant to be. So glad there were absolutely no bad feelings between us though. Especially when I hear some of the crap that others have had to go through.

May 25, 2007
3:06 pm
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StronginHim77
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This post to you really will not be different from my last post to you, in which I urged you to leave no door unopened in seeking your own recovery and saving yourself. Struggling with bipolarity while denying yourself support medication, discontinuing therapy AND returning to alcohol is a potentially lethal situation. And I want to see you live...and live in PEACE.

It is still my deepest hope that you will return to the doctors who care for you, find the appropriate medication to support your recovery and get help to overcome the alcohol and manage the bipolarity. You are worth it.

- Ma Strong

May 25, 2007
3:37 pm
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readyforachange
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(((jewel))) glad you are taking care of yourself and realizing that you made some good choices. You are in my thoughts.

May 25, 2007
4:57 pm
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bevdee
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Jewel,

Good to see you back and hear that you are doing well. Good luck with school. Is your new man home at night with you? Does he have different hours than the ex-man? I wondered if that's why you weren't posting.

All the best to you.

May 25, 2007
9:09 pm
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HI Jewel I have thought of you often. I was wondering if you were going to make down the aisle. If your guy is already with someone else then I think he is would not have been mature enough to get married. And I don't know or understand how you can move so fast either. But it is not for me to understand. These things just happen when you are young. You can move quicker about things. I know what you mean about sometimes having to leave for a bit. I remain here but much quieter. I always pull for you, I think you just needed a break from everything. I know I did. I see you did too. Im going good. Well Jewel, I just wanted to let you know I care and I think about you. Things will work out for you. Im concerned about you drinking again but I think you will stop when you need to. You have a good head on your shoulders. As you seek out and try. You never seem to give up and I admire your strength to do that. Life is not easy. but I think you definately are a fighter. So keep on fighting. Nothing can keep you down.

May 25, 2007
10:05 pm
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Anonymous
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Hi Jewel,

You live a fascinating life and it is probably hard for all the codependents here to not tell you what to do or try to save you from something...whatever it is.

Thank you for the update.

I am glad you can enjoy an intimate relationship with this new guy and find happiness in that.

I hope your heart heals from the heart ache of your breakup. Sometimes your problems just don't match up to someone else's problems.

Ha ha..gotta find someone who compliments your most serious issues so you work through them or they don't up everyday five times a day.

May 26, 2007
12:44 am
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(((Jewel)))

Be well and get strong,

-ella

May 26, 2007
6:04 am
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jewel
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Wow, I don't have the time now to respond to each individual. However, I thank each and everyone who have posted and care about me. I know I should get some help. I have been drinking. On the other hand, I feel like I got my old life back. I am laughing again and sometimes I laugh so hard, tears fall from my face. I don't know if I am really bipolar or not. Sometimes I think I am, other times not. I think my ex-fiance caused me much of my depression and anxiety. I love my new man. I know it is too soon, but I can't walk away from someone I feel so much for. No one really understands me I believe. You can love someone very quickly when you were out of love with an ex for a very long time. I hope you all only wish me well with this relationship. I know you all try to look out for the best in me and try to prevent me from getting hurt, but let me live my life. It is my own damn fault if I get hurt. I realize that.

Jewel

May 26, 2007
8:01 am
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taj64
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Jewel. I wish you luck but it was not that long ago you were saying the same about your fiance and how perfect he was and patient and understand. You rarely spoke negatively about your ex. You were excited to get married. A lot of your posts were about the way you feel about you but it did not ever mention your ex causing you depression. And now it is his fault. I am wondering about this. I do wish you well but it seems fairly odd to be engaged and then in love the next minute with someone new. I'd say you are heading down the wrong way. Call me a naysayer but love is usually really good in teh beginning until you truly know the person. YEs live your life but I would be cautious.

May 26, 2007
12:03 pm
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I believe I only spoke good about my ex because I was in denial about things not being perfect. He didn't even sleep in the same bed as me and we weren't even married yet. That tore me apart. Yes, my family was shocked when I told them the news as was my ex's family. I was afraid to mention how I really felt even on here because I felt if I said anything, I was a failure. If I had a broken engagement, that would make me a failure. I don't really know if I truley love the new guy of course. Only time will tell because after three long years with my ex, I thought I was in love until the last six months. That is when I started not really caring and I became depressed. Of course part of the depression was just me. I am not putting full blame on him. I am responsible for my own well being, not him. But no one understands how he made me feel inside. It was so bad and to the point where I couldn't get out of bed. It is funny how as soon as I broke up with and moved out, slowly I became back to my old happy self. I even went to counseling for awhile and they told me that it took a lot of courage to walk away from him like I did when I knew in my heart the love was gone. That is why I feel so much for my new bf. I have been out of love for many many months. It is not like I loved my ex one day, broke up with him the next, and then met this new guy. I guess I can't really explain myself on here and I look like the bad one. Of course I do and that is why I just totally quit posting. I have had my feelings hurt by his family after the breakup and I have been in disstress after all this happened. I don't need or will put up with more shit from people preaching me and telling me how to live me life. That is why I am saying no one understands me. I wish I could make all you understand me, but in the end I just look like shit and a bad person. I know in my heart the truth and I can't paint a picture in anyone's mind on what actually went on day to day in the life with my ex. He did have a lot of great qualities and I magnified them and was delusional about him making him to be out perfect when in fact he was not. Imagine getting married at 26 years old and your future husband not even sleeping with you or hardly looking at you when you walked around the house half naked. I have been told I am beautiful by many. He became interested in body building and started becoming obsessed about his looks and staring at men in flex magazine. Working as a cop and going to the gym and his diet were his life. I came second. His dog who loved him dearly and never left his side even started sleeping with me and became attached to me. That is how mean he became even to his german shepard. If you need me to go on and go into more detail, I will. But I think I may have been dealing with a gay man. He had a lot of the traits of a manly gay guy and started to never want sex from me. The relationship put me in the hospital several times. I guess it is my fault and I won't place the blame on him because I am the one responsible for my life. Remember, I was abusing klonopin and vicodin. It was all to numb myself from the reality of my relationship. He is already seeing someone too. He claims he loved me until the end and even after that. I tried to kill myself about a week after the breakup and got scared and me or my bf called 911 and they brought me back to life. I felt I couldn't handle things anymore because I had my ex calling me telling me he still loved me and wanted me back and I needed my space and he wouldn't honor my request. Everything was getting to me and I couldn't handle life anymore. Thank God I am still here. Life is a little hard I guess you could say. My classes are killing me and I am still looking for a job out in my new area, but I am trying and refuse to give up. I can understand your concerns about me and I know that I am far from perfect. Like I said before, it is my own fault if I get hurt and I am taking that risk on my own free will. I hope no one talks down about me because I have been through so much and it hurts me deeply on here what people think of me. It appears that I am moving too fast, but I am not the only one. Two weeks after the breakup, my ex started dating a new girl and of course he had to tell me and rub it in my face. I will never tell I am with someone. I hardly talk to him unless it is regarding getting back my belongings, but I feel that would be hurtful to him(maybe not, he just thinks I am shit now since he met the new girl-he acts like he never cared about me or loved me)and I wouldn't do that to him. I told some of my friends that I am with him, but not family. That might have already figured it out, but in time I will tell them. I am living with him because I had no other place to go and we couldn't deny the love we felt for each other. I wish things didn't happen the way that they did, but what can I do. I went with my heart and realized that I don't need to be abused anymore emotionally by my ex and that I could do better. It seems to me that everyone on here would have me rather stay with him and be miserable and take his shit. I said I am a strong person and no more of this. GOd will take me to a better place and I feel as though I am in a better place right now. Thanks for reading this if you made it down this far. I am open to any advice here. That is why I came back here, but I refuse to get talked down on when I didn't do a damn things wrong. I was the victim in the situation for the most part. I put part of that on myself, but the rest really was my ex. If you could have only lived through my situation, you would have a better understanding of what it was like. A living nightmare.

Love to all,

Jewel

May 26, 2007
4:08 pm
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StronginHim77
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Jewel -

Thank you for sharing what has been going on with your ex. None of us knew. Please don't be afraid to share the truth with us here on these threads. Believe me, no one could screw up worse than yours truly did this winter! (Up until December, I was the "poster child" for recovery from toxic relationships, then turned around in January and jumped into marriage with a guy who had red flags waving all over the place. Some great people here tried to warn me and get me to slow down, but I wouldn't listen and just pulled back, bullheadedly marrying him. Should have worn a red gown to match the red flags.)

So, never be ashamed of messing up. Picking ourselves up, acknowledging our human screw-ups and pressing on (with the forgiving and understanding support of our friends) is what these threads are all about. I don't feel condemned for messing up and neither should you.

Again, I wish we had known what you were dealing with, regarding the ex. I had no idea all was not "perfect" between you, two. It sounds like terminating that engagement was the best and only thing for you to do. Maybe jumping into a relationship with another guy right off the bat wasn't the wisest move in the world, but most of us have done something similar at one time or other. Just press on and don't get down on yourself, OK?

Love,

Ma Strong

May 26, 2007
4:20 pm
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cyndra820
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Jewel,

I wish you the best and hope you find the peace you need to heal.

May 26, 2007
4:43 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Jewel,

In just my opinion, I did not see where people were tearing you apart for where you were in life. You dumped your fiancee, which is your choice, and you immediately moved on to someone else. I don't truly believe that anyone cares who you are with, as long as you are happy. We cannot react to what we do not know. Again, I did not see that truly being anyones big issue. The big thing really is the truth in that you are talking about suicide on a regular basis, and drug addictions, and lack of taking meds, and going back to alcohol. The purpose of this site is for support, and advice...correct?? My advice to you was simply to get the help that you need. A lot of these people haven't been around for long, and don't know everyone that well. HOWEVER, I have been here for a year, and your suicide posts started in Sept of 2004. That is ok too. But, you don't appear to be doing much in the way of helping yourself. Counseling, meds, AA, nothing. That is my hope. That you will get the help that you need. We can support you, but YOU have to do the work.

I also hope that you were not insinuating that I am the reason that you attempted suicide, after what my post to you started. I did what I did, and said what I had to say for MY peace of mind. I did not ask anyone, nor did I need anyone to jump on my bandwagon. Those were my feelings, and MY heart. I made it clear that I cared about you. I did, and I do. I know that you are hurting, the point that I was trying to make was simply that you need to be the one to do the work to fix you. However, if you are insinuating that I am the reason for that attempt, I will not take responsibility or blame for that. It is time to start taking the responsibility for yourself Jewel. I don't blame anyone else for my suicidal feelings. Not my mom, the men that sexually assaulted me, or anyone else. They are because I have not learned to deal with them yet. I am well aware that I have issues. I am in the middle of a lot of them. One of them is feeling sorry for myself. Well, I have started counseling and taking steps FORWARD to change my thought patterns, and things of that nature. Part of that was telling you that I need someone to take me seriously. You need to take YOU seriously. ONLY you know how serious your pain is. The same goes for me. We need to be the ones to do something about it. I am not, and will not be sorry for my post to you a few weeks ago. I am glad to see you here, and I am that you are back. I hope that you stay and get the support that you need. I also hope that the support here will lead you into getting the help LONG TERM that you need. Suicidal tendancies are real Jewel, you and I know that. Along with several people here. We are not alone...BUT...WE have to be the ones to fix it.

I care about you, and I wish you only the best in this life. You deserve it. We all do. You are worthy of that. My thoughts are with you, on your journey of healing and recovery. I wish nothing but peace and happiness to all here.

Mich

May 26, 2007
8:47 pm
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Jewel,

I started acting pretty psycho in a relationship were my fiance ignored me barely speaking more than 3 words to me in 3 weeks. Sometimes he'd get home raise his eyebrows at me as if to say hello then go sit in front of the computer.

I felt so alone and I really started pulling some crazy stuff to get his attention. I tore all the pages out of a phone book one by one for every second he was late coming home without calling me. After I cut started cutting myself after it took so long to recover from that before I knew I couldn't be with him anymore.

My issues of abandonment clashed with his issues of self- isolation and living like a hermit.

I didn't know how to be healthy around him.

I left him and put myself back together and went to more and more counseling.

I am hoping that I can be with someone that I can learn to be sane with or that doesn't trigger the horrible, sad, self-destructive side of me.

I empathize with the strange aloneness you felt living with someone that was close, yet so far away.

May 26, 2007
9:59 pm
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Strong,

Yes, I was in denial and didn't want to write the truth down. It hurt too bad. I just wanted to get married and have a great life. The best day of my life is actually the day he proposed to me. He took me to Fallingwater which is a beautiful setting out near where I live and everything felt so perfect. It seemed like after we were engaged for awhile, things started to fall apart and that is when I fell out of love with him. Thanks for being there for me.

Cyndra,

Thanks for your kind words. They go a long way.

Mich,

I don't even remember what you said to me. I don't blame you for anything. You haven't done anything wrong at all. It is my fault I feel suicidal at times. I am not blaming my ex, being raped, having a bad childhood, bad relationships, or any of that. You are very right. I have to learn how to deal directly with these issues. I never thought I really blamed anyone. I always have blamed everything on myself I thought but it may appear differently. I was going to group therapy for awhile. I am going to make some phone calls on tuesday and get myself help. I can't live like this anymore. I am ready to take the steps on bettering myself and learning skills to improve my life. Thanks for your support. I appreciate it.

Artist girl,

Thanks for making me feel like I am not alone. I just wish I had the courage to tell everyone what was really going on. It is very hurtful to be ignored by someone that you think you love or love and you think they love you back. Life is hard, but with a lot of work, I guess we can live a happy life.

Jewel

May 26, 2007
11:24 pm
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ggfred4
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(((Jewel))) I am sending positive thoughts your way. Don't be too hard on yourself...I am 51 and have just recently began to work on healing my soul. It has been a rollercoaster already, but I am trying to stay focused on my goal of recovery. Good luck...

gg

May 26, 2007
11:40 pm
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smarterone
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jewel
Glad to see you. I have been gone for ten days cuz my life is so messed up between my brain and my crack son. I just threw my clothes in trunk and left. back now, shouldnt be. Life is not easy, you do what makes you happy,just know your limits, maybe next year we will plan another wedding togeter, Ha Ha, you have all the time in the world. You know no matter what anyone says one here, its nice knowing that i can come here and they remember i am troubled and try to help. We care thats all, been there done that and so much more. Good nite sweeheart.

May 27, 2007
7:03 am
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((((((Jewel)))))) I am glad you are back on here posting again :). I wanted to let you know that I often thought about you and hoped you were ok. I am not going to tell you anything what you are doing is wrong or right. I can't, only you can decide that and go on from there. I only wish you hapiness and peace.

I had my share of things going badly here, too; however, I am learning that only I can control how I feel and not let others control my feelings. I am learning to take care of myself through therapy, talk about my feelings, and set boundaries. This is really hard but in the long run, I know it's a lot more healthy. I ended up in the hospital right before Easter and they put me on the right meds (at the time). Now I feel they aren't working quite as well because I am dealing with some new things here again. My Grandma is having a lot of problems (she has alzheimers), our financial situation is again in the tubes so I need to look for a job, and my daughter (16) is causing a lot of grief here at home. Oh, and I forgot to mention that my step-son is coming here in less than 2 weeks. God, Help ME!!! But, I have a new psychiatrist and I see him on Thursday for a meds review; and look forward to meeting with my therapist the following week.

Let's keep in contact, ok? I sure missed having you around. Sending you hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Love, Wendy

May 27, 2007
10:52 pm
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I got a child support check...maybe I can go see my therapist or at least pay my last co-pay that didn't go through since my husband closed our joint account.

Therapy could be nice.

Hope you find something good, and tell me and everyone about it so we can be spurred onward to do something for ourselves too even if it is hard and inconvenient.

June 3, 2007
7:53 pm
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Artist,

I hope you can see your therapist. I am calling my insurance company on tomorrow and am going to get a listing of psychologists in my area who are covered under my plan. I feel at this time in my life, I need to talk to someone and sort out some issues that are happening in my life. I will let you know how that goes. Hopefully, I can find a good one as the last one that I went to couldn't really help me. She wasn't a good fit for me.

Anyway, to everyone else, I haven't been on here in awhile. I have been busy job hunting, studying for my classes this semester, and spending time with my boyfriend. I am so scared of getting hurt, but it is my own fault. That is why I want to seek counseling because I think that I could really benefit from it at this time in my life. Talk to everyone soon, I hope.

Jewel

June 3, 2007
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Jewel, it appears you are working hard on you! I am proud of you.

gg

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